Don't "pick on" Sheff: The worst columnist in America strikes again

I'm sorry. That's it. I can't contain myself anymore. I have to say it. The majority of the MSM are fucking morons.

They are lead by the densest media whore around, the functionally retarded Rob Parker. Why did I score through "functionally? Because I've just read one of the worst God damn columns ever. And what was the subject that has me so riled up?

Parker decided to defend Gary Sheffield.

Leave Gary Sheffield alone. It's kind of silly now to want to blame Sheffield for the disaster that is the Tigers' season.

Let me clue you in Parker, there is no defending Gary Sheffield. You can't do it, the 2 home runs hit last night regardless.

Sheffield decided to burn bridges in Detroit with his blaming everyone but himself when he bitched and moaned to an out of town writer about being a DH. A highly overpaid, unproductive, in the lineup every day, stuck in Detroit for another season thanks to an albatross of a contract, DH. Sheffield out and out said he doesn't want to be here.

Instead of leaving poor, misunderstood Sheffield alone, as the worst columnist in America suggests, I have a better suggestion. If Sheffield doesn't want to be in Detroit, then fucking retire. You'll hear cheer from all over Tigerdom. But he won't do it because he's getting paid $14 MILLION in 2009!

If Sheffield wants fans to take the bullshit he slings seriously, then back it up with actions. Don't go whining to an out of town fish wrap how bad you have it with the Tigers on one day, then happily cash the extremely large checks the team you don't want to play for unfortunately has to hand over to your .220 hitting, glass shouldered ass, the next.

So Parker says we shouldn't scapegoat Sheffield for this awful season.

You have got to be shitting me.

First off, I can boo, rag on and scapegoat whomever the Hell I want. Fans don't take kindly to being lectured as to who they should root for and who they shouldn't. We can make up our own minds, thank you very much.  I don't need a pea brained, so-called writer who spends more time in Bristol and New York than Detroit to tell me jack shit.

Sheffield is caught on film preparing to throw 
the Marlboro Man under the bus...

Sheffield is being booed is because he's hitting .220 and being paid $14 MILLION to do so. The reason he's being roasted by the fans is thanks to his throwing Jim Lelyand under the bus, the one person who has fully backed his .220 hitting ass all season, yet just had to bitch about playing time. Sheffield is so fucking clueless, well, he's as clueless as the dumb ass defending him in the Detroit News.

That's pretty damned clueless.

Then Parker has the GALL to say...

It's just easy to pick on Sheffield because he's outspoken and usually tells you what he's thinking when asked a question. 

It feels like Parker's thisclose to playing the race card, doesn't it?

It easy to pick on Sheffield not because he's an outspoken black man. It's his constantly sticking his foot in his mouth. There's always a size 13 Nike stuffed in Sheffield's rarely closed maw. How about thinking for 30 seconds before blurting out something so stupidly controversial you have to spend the next week explaining yourself?

By the way, did I say Sheffield's hitting .220?

Point Two Twenty.

Because that's the biggest reason he's being "picked on." Hit like Brandon Inge, you're going to catch your share of shit. If God himself spent the majority of the season batting in the number 3 hole, and hit .220, He'd be getting roasted too!

Then Parker writes something flabbergastingly stupid...

Coincidence or not, Sheffield was put on waivers Tuesday by the Tigers. Hopefully, the Tigers didn't do it for the words he spoke.

Huh? If Parker believes Sheffield was put on waivers because he said something the Tigers didn't like, then he's even more clueless than I thought, if that's even possible.

Sheffield was put on waivers because he's an always injured DH with a monster contract that has the Tigers financially hamstrung going into next year. I could also be due to the fact he's HITTING .220!

Hell, I'd bet the entire team was put on waivers just to see if there was a sucker team interested in making a deal. I can guarantee if you are over 30 and have a large contract, the Tigers placed you on waivers. It's not due to feelings being hurt because of some imaginary DH platoon.

I think I need to make up a T-Shirt for Tigers fans. It'll have "FREE GARY SHEFFIELD!" plastered across the front.




Myspace Tshirt Generator

Unfortunately, media types like Parker wouldn't get that it's supposed to be ironic...

It's no wonder the Detroit News is in such financial deep shit. They employ morons. 

The News' sooper geenus tells us what's on Joe Dumars' mind

It's tough coming up with material about the local teams. I should know, as I try to crank out something relatively entertaining every day, to various amounts of success.

But there's coming up with something funny/interesting/thoughtful, and there's just saying the Hell with it, and mailing it in.

Today, Rob Parker is "mailing it in." Not that I'm surprised.

 In his Detroit News "column," and as always in his case, the term is used loosely, Parker gives his take on Joe Dumars and his inaction in regard to the "big changes" he told everyone was coming. That's all well and good, but Parker gives us a level of analysis not even worthy of a Freep comment thread or an ESPN message board, let alone a major daily newspaper. (Can we even call the Detroit News "major?" They are in deep financial trouble and their circulation is plummeting faster than Barry Zito's career) But I digress...

Let's break down the latest by the consensus "Worst columnist in America."

Admit it. By now, you thought the Pistons would have had one, maybe even two, news conferences, announcing major trades and the addition of new players to shake up the still-winning-but-stale Pistons.

No Rob, I expected 5, maybe even 6 pressers.

OK, I will admit I thought the Pistons would have done more to improve the team than draft a narcoleptic power forward. I do agree the Pistons are as stale as week old Wonder Bread, despite what Tayshaun Prince believes.

Especially with all the buzz that was floating around the NBA after president Joe Dumars stated with authority that he was ready to make moves and that just about everybody was available.

Um...yeah. We already know that, Rob. Anyone who even casually follows the Pistons knows. It was above the fold news when it happened, when Dumars gave one of those "news conferences" you wrote about.


That's why the Carmelo Anthony rumors were out there instantly. Then there was the Baron Davis trade talk coming from the West Coast. Just recently came word that Tracy McGrady was interested in moving to Motown. 

None of those deals happened. 

Really? No shit, Sherlock.

These were nothing more than rumors manufactured by bored columnists and beat writers.  They were immediately shot down by your own paper's beat writer as wet dreams/flights of fancy. What's worse is these rumors continue to give you column fodder for weeks on end.

Instead, as the offseason continues to melt away, many are now wondering if anything will happen, especially when you talk about a blockbuster deal. 

But if you knew Dumars, really knew him, this shouldn't come as a surprise. Dumars isn't about making just any trade. He doesn't want a deal that simply changes faces.

Well, I don't really know Dumars, unlike Skip Bayless' punching bag claims he knows him. But I have to say...Duh!

The Pistons won 59 games last season. The team may be stale, and could use some fresh faces, but it's still damn good. As constructed, the Pistons remain contenders in the East. Change for the sake of change would be idiodic. Dumars himself has said as much. 

If Dumars, in fact, can't get a deal that he believes changes his team for the better, he'll stand pat. Believe it. That's why he's one of the best general managers. Not just in the NBA, but pro sports.

"I understand that it's not always easy to make a move and a lot of moving parts have to come together," Dumars said on Thursday. "You always have to have patience when you have the task of running a team." 

Again, Parker is beating a dead horse, as Dumars has already admitted he'll stand pat if the right deal doesn't materialize. But regurgitating it eats up a few column inches, so it's all good...

You don't need to tell me Dumars is one of the better GM's in pro sports, and not just because it's coming from the worst columnist in America. It's obvious to even the dullest of sports fans Joe Dumars is a better GM than 90% of his peers. Which isn't saying much when morons like Chris Wallace (The Grizzlies' GM  who "masterminded" the Pau Gasol trade) and Danny Ferry (who's been unable to come up with a supporting cast for Lebron James, and keeps the offensively deficient Mr. Potato Head Mike Brown employed as coach) are in charge of NBA franchises.


The last thing Dumars, in his eighth season at the helm, wants to do is make a trade that he'll later regret. 

Not as much as I regret reading, and responding to, Parker's tripe. Now we're talking serious regret.

Dumars, of course, wouldn't talk about potential deals and talks that he has had with other general managers around the league.

Because doing so is called "tampering." Dumars is not a moron, unlike certain functionally retarded columnists.

It's easier said than done. Just ask Dumars.

I don't have to, as you already have, right? It is your job, after all.

"This is not fantasy basketball, where you just wake up and make a blockbuster deal," said Dumars, whose biggest deal came at the trade deadline in 2004 when he acquired Rasheed Wallace from the Hawks. 

"We have a good team." 

Yes, you do. Maybe not NBA title contenders, but definitely a good team.

Too bad we can't say the same about the columnists in this city. Hacks, the lot of 'em. Led by, of course, Rob Parker.

Rob Parker plays GM. TWFE goes on "Epic Fail" alert!

The worst columnist in America, and Joe Dumars' media mouthpiece, "sooper geenus" Rob Parker, claimed in a recent column that knew what moves the Pistons needed to make in order to get back to the NBA Finals.

Hold it! Before we see how Parker plays pretend GM, let's wait just a second...

I have a question.

Why would anyone, let alone a world class NBA GM known for being a shrewd judge of talent, listen to a functionally retarded moron who has claimed the following:

• Tommy Amaker was a good coach who should not have been fired.

• The Pistons won big in 2007 BECAUSE of Flip Saunders.

• The Tigers should attempt to sign Brett Tomko, Kris Benson or Shaun Chacon to solve their post 2006 season starting rotation issues.

• Chris Webber, a player on the bad side of being washed up, should be brought back for a 2nd go-round by the Pistons.

• Jeff Weaver is clearly a better pitcher than Jeremy Bonderman.

• Dmitri Young could still solve his problems, both personal (beating up women, substance abuse) and professional (unable to hit his immense weight), while still playing for the Tigers...Who happened to be in the MIDDLE OF A PENNANT RACE!

• And most infamously, called Dave Dombrowski the worst GM in Detroit. Even worse than the porn 'stached goon in Allen Park.

With evidence of Parker's immense lack of sports knowledge out of the way, let's check out his 5 point plan to "fix" the Pistons.

1. Bust up the guards: Parker advocates trading either guard, makes no difference which.

Easier said than done. Chauncey Billups has a hard to trade long-term contract and Rip Hamilton is the Pistons' only consistent scorer. I agree Rodney Stuckey has a very bright future, but you'll still need to find another guard. I'll give Parker a smidgen of credit, this seems to be the most likely scenario.

2. Snag a real center: Parker believes the Pistons should trade for...Jamaal Magloire?

Snag a real center? A legit NBA Center? And that's Magloire? Excuse me for a second...

BWAAAAHAHAHA! HAAAAAHAAAAHAAAA! Sniff...Whew...

I apologize, I'm back. Where were we? Oh yeah, Jamaal Magl....BWAAAHAHAHA!

Sorry about that. As for getting a good center? If there is one thing rarer than a GOOD Rob Parker column, it's finding a legitimate NBA center available on the open market. Nice thought, but it'll take a miracle, or a moronic dumb ass of a GM the Pistons can sucker into a lopsided trade, for Dumars to pull that one off.

3. Wallace needs focus: In Parker's words, "If that happens, Wallace can help."

Focus? That's an awfully generic, catch-all term, don't you think? It's like saying "Rasheed should try harder!" I don't think "focus" is the issue. It's his personality of wanting to be a piece of the puzzle, rather than the focal point. That isn't going to change. Ever.

Let's be real. Sheed is Sheed, period.

Realistically, he's the Pistons best bargaining chip thanks to his expiring contract. In fact, I wouldn't have an issue if the Pistons ended up keeping Sheed, for 2 reasons. He would never bring enough in return thanks to his occasional knucklehead ways, and having that HUGE salary cap slot open up after the season when some very nice free agents will be available.

4. Go after Bonzi Wells: Parker wants the swingman targeted in free agency to backup Tayshaun Prince.

Another knucklehead? Christ, how difficult does Parker want Michael Curry's first season to be?

There's a reason Wells will be playing for his 6th NBA team in 2008, and it's not because he can score. And even that's overstated, as Wells hasn't averaged double figure points in 3 seasons. Personally, I don't want the aging, overrated head case anywhere near Maxiell, Amir, Affalo and Stuckey. Wells isn't needed on a team that needs to get hungrier, younger and smarter. Wells would make the Pistons older, dumber and crazier.

Finally, we have number 5...

5. Hang on to Prince: Parker says, "Prince is so good, you almost take him for granted." He also goes back to his breakout '03 playoff performance, and the block on Reggie Miller in '04.

As good as Prince has been, he seems to have plateaued. Notice Parker brings up events from 4-5 seasons ago? Not anything from more recent playoff disappointments? If trading Prince as part of a package that nets the Pistons get a big time player in return (Tracy McGrady and Amare Stoudarmire are 2 names I've heard tossed around), as in the immortal words of Hawk Harrelson, "He gone."

Prince will never be an primary offensive option, and though solid defensively, he's not the stopper he was once made out to be. Prince is a complimentary player, a role player. A very good role player, but a role player all the same.

I'd be perfectly happy if Prince remains a Piston, but...If you have to include a role player as part of a trade which nets you a star, you do it. No if's, and's or but's about it.

So what do I think of Parker's playing pretend GM? After reading the 2008 Pistons would incluse Bonzi Wells, Jamaal Magloire, while trading one of the guards for no one in particular, making Sheed "focus" and Prince a focal point, I have only one thing left to say...

Thank God Joe Dumars only uses Parker as his media lap dog, rather than as a personnel evaluator.

Columnists say the darnedest things: Ozzie is the flavor of the day

If you read today's Detroit fish wraps, notice something eerily similar in their sports pages? The lead sports columnists for the Freep and News, Mitch Albom and Bob Wojinowski, essentially wrote the same column! Both decided to wax philosophic over the re-emergence of the Downriver puck bunnies favorite player ever, Chris Osgood.

From reading the columns over, it appears they shared notes. (and forgotten the beat writers have covered this territory quite well, especially when Osgood signed his contract extension. This is just the carpetbagging columnists jumping on the Wings bandwagon when more readers are paying attention to hockey.)

For example...

The Little Fella:

This is a guy who, during the lockout, began to reinvent himself, because he saw younger goalies with more efficient styles. So he worked and reworked and he taught his old dog new tricks, and he is arguably now at the highest level in his career.

Wojo:

No wasted energy, no wasted emotion, no wasted motion. This is the reinvented Osgood, who worked manically with a goaltender coach and refined his style during the 2005 lockout.

I'll admit, both columns are well written, but talk about different, yet the same. It's as if one cribbed from the other, just changing the words. They both diverge somewhat, (Albom, as is his wont, goes highbrow with a "Cinema Paradiso" reference, while Wojo goes more lowbrow for a "Brat Pack" call out) but both columns tread over the same, exact territory. In the end, they both wrote as sappy a column as one of Albom's diabetes causing novels.

Here's the Cliff's Notes version of both columns... (Get out your handkerchiefs!)

Even though Osgood won 2 cup rings during his first tenure, he left the Red Wings in semi-disgrace when Dominik Hasek was signed, spent 3 years in NHL exile, returned to Detroit an older and wiser goalie, then remade his game, leading up to he his having the best statistical season of his career, finally rescuing the Wings during the playoffs. The End.

I expect to see Oprah option this story for her next "uplifting" Albom TV movie.

Next time guys, check your calenders so you don't write the same damn story about the same damn subject on the same damn day.

The worst columnist in America, Rob Parker, continues to amaze with his lack of baseball knowledge. To fix something that really doesn't need fixing, Wobb advocates the Tigers signing...you know who it's gonna be...Barry Bonds.

I'm not going to bother quoting much from the column, as it's worthless. The following 2 lines sum up why Parker thinks the Tigers need to PANIC and sign the large headed one.

They desperately need a left-handed bat in their inconsistent lineup, which has been shut out five times in the first 34 games. Last season, the Tigers were blanked three times.

Over at Mack Avenue Tigers, Kurt takes down Parker in detail, so I'll just say this...

On a team which has 4 players who should play in the field as little as possible (Sheffield, Ordonez, Guillen, Thames), and are much better suited as DH’s (either now, or in the very near future), adding another DH makes zero sense. Less than zero, actually. Even if the DH is a left handed hitter named Barry Bonds.

Despite their struggles, the offense has not been the biggest problem. Not by a long shot. As I said the other day, it's the STARTING PITCHING. Unless Barry Bonds has a decent breaking ball, and can go 7 innings into games from the mound every 5th day, the Tigers don't need him.

The Tigers are quite aware of their need for a left handed bat. That's why Matt Joyce was brought up from Toledo. Sure, he's no Bonds, but the Tigers don't need Bonds. They needed a left handed bat who could also play the outfield. Bonds may be a lot of things, but an outfielder? In the national park sized outfield that's Comerica Park? I don't think so.

Then again, this is coming from Rob Parker, so making sense isn’t expected. From the nature of Parker's opinions, I doubt sense is even encouraged.

By the way, in regard to saying the same thing in different columns, Parker somehow manages to crib from himself. From the always goofy and nonsensical "Foul or Fair" bit with Tom Gage...

They are 0-17 when they've scored four runs or fewer. They've been shut out five times their first 34 games. Last year, they were shut out only three times.

Dude, we get it! No need to tell us twice...

Above the fold - Columnists say the darnedest things

It's Friday, and you know what that means?

It's the end of the week? Well, DUH. But that's not the answer I was looking for, people. Lost is on? Uh, that was last night, dude. You missed a kick ass episode. The latest Matthew McConaughey flick hits the the theaters? Who the Hell cares? The last flick of the naked bongo player's I enjoyed was "Dazed and Confused." He's never been better than playing Wooderson...

"All right, all right, all right."

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

"Let me tell you this, the older you do get the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin' man, L-I-V-I-N."

That's DEEP stuff, man... But I digress.

It's Friday, which means we take a tour of the local fishwraps, and see what Detroit's best and brightest asinine and clueless columnists have to say.

Let's start at the News, so we can get it over with. "It" being the latest tripe spewed from the worst columnist in America. The functionally retarded Rob Parker, who makes the mentally challenged Skip Bayless look like a MENSA member during their painful exchanges on the 4 Letter, writes about the most pressing issue in Detroit sports today!

Say goodbye to Swin Cash.

Cash, a Detroit Shock forward for six seasons, will be traded within the next two weeks.

OH MY GOD! I can't believe it! This news is horrib...Uh, wait a second. This column is about who? Swin Cash? Of that basketball team that is deep in their off season? The team no one watches or cares about? In that league the NBA tries to force feed down our throats every summer?

The trade is inevitable because of a feud between Cash and Shock coach Bill Laimbeer. The two just didn't see eye-to-eye the last couple of seasons.

I guess it is. Well then. No one gives a shit, Parker. Literally no one. Even you should know that...

Now, Cash will play elsewhere.

And Parker should write elsewhere. Anywhere. Actually, nowhere would be best for all concerned. Let's wash our hands of this waste of newsprint, and quickly move on.

It appears Lynn Henning has gotten over his Brandon Inge hissy fit of a couple of weeks ago, as he chimes in today with a column about Inge, and where he would be best used. Unfortunately, Henning rehashes ideas that the Tigers blogosphere brought up...2 weeks ago.

The Tigers will want Inge to return as their starting catcher, given that Pudge Rodriguez is almost certainly into his final season in Detroit. Inge will continue to want to play third base -- here, anywhere.

Will there be a market for him? Probably not, unless Inge hits up a storm in 2008 as a super-sub, which figures to be his role.

Sure as shit, this is old news.

After telling us nothing new about Inge, Henning also conjures up numbers for a possible Miguel Cabrera long-term contract.

The thought advanced here is that they will probably talk about a deal somewhere in the vicinity of five years for $100 million or six years for $125 million. They will argue, as they did successfully in the case of Curtis Granderson and his renewal, that free agency can still be an option for Cabrera at a young age, say 30 or 31.

Nothing ground shaking here either. For quite some time it's been damn obvious any Cabrera deal is going to start in the $20 million per season range. Henning is just wasting our time...Again.

In the Freep, Michael Rosenberg delves into a subject few have been talking about...Rich Rodriguez and Terrelle Pryor. At least Rosenberg is honest about the
Pryor fatigue we are all feeling...

As Terrelle Pryor waits to --

No! PLEASE tell me you're not writing about Terrelle Pryor! If I read one more word about this kid I'm going to de-commit from the planet.

If he doesn't move on from this over-covered subject, I'm de-committing from this column!

Anyway, this is not about West Virginia v. Rodriguez.

Thank fucking GOD!

This is about a theory that many of the e-mailers espouse: the Pat White Theory.

OK, I'm still reading...

I find the Pat White Theory interesting for two reasons. First of all, I don't buy the conclusion. It's one thing to rip a coach for losing with a great player, quite another to rip him for winning with a great player.

This reminds me of the people who say Lloyd Carr never would have won the national championship without Charles Woodson. So what? He had him.

Actually, I think many feel that Michigan, and Woodson, won the national title in spite of Lloyd's unimaginative coaching. But that's not what this column is about...Let's see where Rosenberg is going, shall we?

Rodriguez seems smart enough to adapt if he doesn't get Pryor. As he says, he likes to win too much to not adapt. If Rodriguez does not land Terrelle Pryor, he can plug in one of his other quarterbacks, or maybe shift running back Carlos Brown to quarterback, and have some success.

But to produce the kind of offense he wants, the kind Michigan hired him for, Rodriguez needs that special athlete at quarterback. Rich Rodriguez doesn't need Pat White. He needs the next Pat White.

That would be nice, but unless lightening strikes with Pryor, Michigan is not getting their system QB this year. What Rosenberg forgets to mention is Rodriguez has run a version of the spread with a QB who wasn't near as mobile as White. Shaun King threw for a ton of yards at Tulane while RichRod was the offensive coordinator.

Rather than the run first WVU offense, I'm guessing we'll see some sort of hybrid spread, alternating dropback QB Steven Threat and whatever run first QB stands out, much in the way Urban Meyer did with Chris Leak and Tim Tebow in his first season at Florida.

At this point, I don't really care. I'm just praying for Pryor to just make his damn decision already, so we can all move on!

In a column I won't pick apart or make fun of, The Oakland Press' Pat Caputo touches on the sad, pitiful tale of former Tiger broadcaster Lary Sorneson. He doesn't say much of his recent arrest, getting popped for his 7th DUI, while blowing a .48 BAC (They're both jaw dropping numbers). Instead, Caputo writes of past experiences with Sorenson while both were covering the Tigers. He doesn't pillory him, or cast blame, he just feels sorry for Sorenson's sickness and nearly hopeless situation.

Look at this guy. A former major league player. Had a much-coveted broadcasting job. By all accounts, his family life was good - except for his drinking. And now he's left with nothing but press clippings of shame.

I know there are people who don't - and won't - feel sorry for Lary. I don't blame them. Many people - way too many - have lost loved ones because of drunken drivers. It's one of the great curses on society.

What else is there to say? Sorenson needs to be kept off the roads, as it's clear he's a vehicular homicide waiting to happen. Honestly, I'm surprised he hasn't killed someone, or been killed. Considering he's a habitual offender, do you lock him up, and throw away the key? Or do you try to get him the help he so desperately needs, as he's not a menace when sober. Sorenson needs the sort of treatment he probably won't get in a state prison. That's for the courts to decide.

It's an awful, ugly, sorry story all the way around. A story I doubt will have a happy ending.

That's "Above the Fold" for Friday, 2-8-08!

The worst columnist in America has the cure to what ails the Pistons...Chris Webber?

As I sat down at my balky PC this morning (my wireless keyboard hates me), I had an email from a friend of TWFE alerting me to the latest Rob Parker column. That person was wondering "What was he thinking?"

Honestly, I have the same thought after EVERY Parker column. But his missive in today's News is Parker at his worst.

Today, the functionally retarded one carries the torch for Chris Webber returning to the Pistons.

If the Pistons can get a deal done -- and that would take clearing a roster spot -- Webber will be a welcome addition to the team, just as he was around this time a year ago.

It's interesting to note that Parker has no quotes from the Pistons, or from Webber. Where's he getting this info? Is it all just conjecture? All we've heard is that the Pistons have said the roster is currently full.

That's why I have to wonder if Joe Dumars himself gave this story to Parker to run out there as a trial balloon, to see how the idea of C-Webb returning flies with both the public and MSM at large. If you ask me, it's going to go over as well as Parker's clueless 2006 column undeservedly and gleefuly trashing Tigers' GM Dave Dombrowski. In other words, not well at all.

Parker continues with a little revisionist history...

Granted, things didn't work out fully because the Pistons failed to advance to the NBA Finals, losing instead to the Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference finals.

But in no way was it solely Webber's fault. Things just came apart at the end and the Pistons didn't get the guard play they needed. That shouldn't make anyone worry for a minute that Webber can't help this team.

"Just came apart?" If you want to call totally imploding "just coming apart," them I might agree. Yes, Rip Hamilton, and especially Chauncey Billups played well below their capabilities. But Parker makes it sound as if the Pistons just had a bad couple of games, rather than a complete and utter collapse. It wasn't the bump in the road Parker's wording makes it out to be, as the Pistons were outright embarrassed by the Cavs.

The Cavs being blown out by the Spurs in the NBA Finals made losing the series even more painful for the Pistons, and their fans. There was NO WAY IN HELL Detroit should have lost to what was essentially a one man team. Yet, the Pistons somehow managed to do the impossible, lose the conference finals to one man surrounded by 11 balls of suck.

Parker continues with his blathering...

They aren't looking for Webber to be a savior -- which is great because he isn't one any longer. Still, Webber has something to offer, especially off the bench.

Webber, who will be 35 in March, is a perfect post player to run your offense through. He's an excellent passer. Normally, when he delivers the ball, Webber provides an easier look at the basket for a teammate.

Sure, C-Webb may be 35 in March. If I can use my public schooling math skills correctly, that means Webber is 34 years old. A very creaky 34 years old. You might as well age Webber's knees in dog years.

Despite Parker's careful wording regarding Webber's age, you can't hide the fact he has been in in the association for 14 seasons. That's a ton of wear and tear, and as we saw last year, it's showing on Webber. He was literally dragging himself, and his creaky knees, up and down the court at the end of the season.

Parker also conveniently ignores Webber's matador style defense. With those knees, with his lack of lateral mobility, Webber couldn't cover me, and I'm a middle aged, arthritic pylon.

Is Webber still a slick low past passer? Damn straight. Is what he brings to the Pistons key for their success? No, as they go as Billups and Rasheed Wallace go. Period.

You can see Webber playing 12-15 minutes a night. Best of all, coach Flip Saunders can see quickly if he's able to help or not. Last season as a starter, Webber was either very good or very bad.

If it's one of those bad nights, you go to someone else. If Webber is playing well, then you get all those minutes out of him.

Parker sees Webber getting 12+ minutes a night. But the question should be, does Webber see himself playing so little? Come on, everyone knows he's going to harp about playing time. It's what Webber does, even when he was averaging just over 29 minutes a game in the 06-07 regular season.

Then Parker starts getting silly...

Go back to last season. The Pistons had one of their best stretches once Webber became a starter, going 16-4. They also started the playoffs on fire, winning their first seven games and 10 of their first 12.

This time around, Webber will come in rested and not be coming off an injury that limited him to just 18 games with the 76ers last season.

In 43 games for Detroit, Webber averaged 11.3 points, 6.7 rebounds and three assists.

And some nights, there even were flashes of brilliance.

This is typical Parker, using stats selectively, cherry picking what he needs to make his shaky argument credible. Otherwise known as Parkerizing a column.

No one cares about the regular season, it's all about the playoffs. Here's C-Webb's playoff stats...

25+ minutes, 9.9 PPG, 6.3RPG, and 1.5 APG. Down across the board. It was a viscous circle. you could say the stats were down thanks to playing 4 less minutes, but he was getting less PT due to his disappearing while on the floor. Honestly, Webber should not have been getting those kind of minutes as it was, as he was running on fumes in the playoffs.

More importantly, Webber was totally non-existent against the Cavs. He did next to nothing in that series. I want to see "flashes of brilliance" when it counts, not against NBA bottom dwellers in March.

Then, to fill column inches, the functionally retarded one lists C-Webb's accomplishments.

Webber, selected after his sophomore season by the Orlando Magic with the first overall pick and then traded to the Golden State Warriors, has done just about everything you can do in the league except win a championship.

He was rookie of the year in 1994 and has made it to the All-Star Game five times, been to the postseason a bunch of times and made a ton of cash.

None of that is pertinent to the discussion at hand. None of it. Webber isn't that player anymore, and hasn't been in quite some time, not since his microfracture surgery. Compared to the player he once was, Webber's shadow is a shadow of his former self.

Parker fails to mention Webber's college and pro teams have never won the big game. Not at Michigan, as they never could close the deal in the NCAA's, and more tellingly, his teams never won the Big 10. Nor at Sacramento (His Golden St. Washington and Philly teams never had a chance), where some very talented teams ultimately underachieved, never getting past the western finals. (which they only reached once)

Parker finishes his tripe filled column with a tug at the heartstrings...

Last year, Webber was two victories away from making The Finals.

Here, he would have one more shot to finally win it all.

Awww. The only reason this is an issue is that Webber is a native Detroiter. Win one for C-Webb! Fortunately, the Pistons aren't run on sentiment, just performance. And at this point of his career, despite Parker's belief, Webber would just be hanging on, hoping to to get a ring that he had little to do with winning.

I once loved Chris Webber as a player. But he's not that same player. Not at 34, with knees made of paper mache. It's time folks realized it, even if the worst columnist in America doesn't.

Fun with referrals: You guys are just killing me!

I've had a few referrals to TWFE today that made me smile.

Someone found TWFE using the search term "Rob Parker Detroit retarded." Turns out I'm the first 2 hits under that search, and the 3rd is a Parker interview that refers to my insults, but pulled a Jerry Green, and didn't mention the blog.

I'm guessing the functionally retarded one is appearing this week on the 4 letter's morning shitfest First Pizza, or Cold Take, whatever in the Hell they are calling the show that no one watches now. I always get a spike in Parker haters (Such as searching "Rob Parker ESPN" or "Parker 1st and Ten") whenever he turns up on ESPN matching a lack of wits with Skip Bayless. I'm just glad to know that I'm not alone...

Someone from West Virgina found their way to TWFE with the following search... "federal agents investigating Rodriguez betting on pitt game" HA! That's absolutely hysterical! Turns out I'm 2nd on Google for those looking for info on RichRod's nefarious dealings with bookies.

In fact, TWFE is currently numero uno on Google for "rodriguez wvu," which seems odd. I hadn't been writing about the Michigan/WVU/RichRod soap opera that much, have I? All I can say is, beware! The WVU mafia is everywhere on the web, looking for everything regarding Rich Rodriguez. If it's negative, the West Virginians agree wholeheartedly. If positive, they channel Marsellus Wallace, and go medieval on your ass!

This just in... Someone just found TWFE by searching "Rich Rodriguez telephone records." Good Lord, those WVU fans just won't give up! In case he's still here...Dude, the 112 calls were to RichRod's voice mail box!

Hey, no harm, no foul. Search all you want! Just keep coming back, OK?

Rob Parker is insane

In today's News, the "Worst columnist in America" takes a look at what the Tigers need to add in free agency. The functionally retarded one, Rob Parker, thinks the Tigers need to add //GASP// a starting pitcher. Well, no shit, Parker.


Unfortunately, reading the column is an exercise in sheer stupidity. It literally left me slack-jawed. The insanity follows...

The following moronic paragraph is "Parkerizing" at it's ugliest and most blatant, cherry picking specific stats to inflate his FLAWED beyond belief column.

Here are three who are interesting and possibly could help Detroit: Kris Benson, Shawn Chacon, Brett Tomko.

Benson was 11-12 with a 4.82 ERA with the Orioles. In 2005 with the Mets, he was 10-8 with a 4.13 ERA. Chacon was 5-4 with a 3.94 ERA with the Pirates. But with the Yankees two years ago, he was 7-2 with a 2.85 ERA in 12 starts. Tomko is a bigger gamble. He was 4-12 last season between the Dodgers and Padres. A few years ago, however, he won 11 games.

You're kidding, right? Not even a mention of who's probably the best starting pitcher left in free agency, Kenny Rogers? A pitcher who has stated that Detroit is his 1st choice? Parker wants to replace a legitimate #1 starter in The Gambler with STIFFS? How stupid does he take Tigers fans to be?

Brett Tomko last won as many as 11 games in 2004. In fact, that's his career year, as he also posted his best ERA, a staggeringly average 4.04. In fact, Tomko has been awful, and 2007 was his worst season yet.

Tomko was 4-12 last season. Sure, going strictly by wins and losses is not a good way to judge a pitcher's effectiveness. Let's look just a tad deeper. Parker doesn't mention that Tomko's ERA in '07 was 5.55, and his WHIP was an astronomical 1.50. Yet Parker thinks the Tigers should take a gamble on Tomko? That's not taking a gamble, that's playing Russian roulette with a bullet in every chamber.

As for Shawn Chacon? You know how many innings he's pitched the last 2 season's total? 205. He's averaged a little over 100 innings a season in '06 and '07. His WHIP? 1.72 and 1.49. That's pitiful, and that's NOT a pitcher I want to see on a team that is gunning for a pennant.

Kris Benson is your quintessential .500 pitcher. At least he's a better choice than Tomko and Chacon. The best you can say about Benson is that he eats innings, averaging 172 a season over his 7 year career. His career WHIP is a not good 1.38. He's basically a worse Nate Robertson. That being a number 5 starter, at best, on a good team. The Tigers are a very good team.

Remember, Benson, Chacon, and Tomko are Parker's "Wish list," pitchers he has hand picked to essentially replace Kenny Rogers, who can be argued is an "Ace."

If the column wasn't bad enough already, Parker takes a direct right turn into "Nonsensical" with the following...

Willis was 10-15 with a 5.17 ERA but is much better than that. Two years ago, he won 22 games. The last 20-game winner in the Tigers' rotation was Bill Gullickson in 1991. Kazmir was 13-9 with a 3.48 ERA. He's a star in the making and could have a breakout season pitching with the Tigers' potent lineup.

And the Tigers have some players to offer, including outfielders Ryan Raburn and Marcus Thames.

Oh my God, that last line is laughable! You are going to offer either a Rob Deer-like 4th outfielder, or a utility man with 69 games of MLB experience, as your prime trade bait for either Willis or Kazmir? That's a joke, right? Parker can't be serious. Unfortunately, he is. Thames or Raburn would be, at best, a throw in for any trade that would snag a quality starting pitcher.

After the trade for Edgar Renteria cost the Tigers 2 of their top 5 prospects, to think the Tigers would deal from a now weaker farm system for a top flight starting pitcher, is silly. But the truth doesn't stop the "Worst columnist in America."

You know what it's going to take to get a pitcher the quality of a 23 year old Kazmir? Cameron Maybin is only a start. Throw in Andrew Miller, and then the Devil Rays might actually pick up the phone. But even that's a stretch.

In all actuality, the Rays would never trade Kazmir, unless you overwhelmed them with an offer that would totally empty your farm system. Teams don't trade 23 year old starters with the upside of Kazmir. It would be the equivalent of the Tigers trading Justin Verlander. You just don't do it. Unless you no longer want to be a MLB GM...

There has been some talk that Willis would be available. As Willis is the Marlins ace, if you want him in your rotation, you are going to pay a dear price via trade. It may not take quite that much to pry Willis from the Marlins as compared to Kazmir, but it would take at least 1 of the Tigers best prospects to even get the Marlins to listen. But the more I think about it, the price would be similar to Kazmir, that being way too much...

Yet Parker thinks Thames and Raburn would yeild good starting pitching... Good God damn Lord, that's uber-stupid!

Then the news' so-called baseball "Expert" writes this...

The reason the Tigers didn't make it back to the playoffs was because of pitching, not hitting.

A 9 year old could come up better analysis. In fact, a 9 year old could write a better column. The Detroit News should be ashamed to print such outright tripe.

Above the Fold - Same old Lions?

The Lions did the best they could to ruin everyone's Sunday by reverting back to the team we all expected them to be at the start of the year. Much like the losses to Washington and Philly, the 31-21 loss to the Cardinals was another hard slap of reality to the face of Lions fans. Fans who were beginning to lower their guard, and scale back on the cynicism, like yours truly, now wonder if we are going to be burned by the Lions...Again.

As I listen to the Fox 2 streaming webcast of "Jamie and Brady and Shep Shep Shep" ex-WDFN morning show do a Monday morning Lions recap (Which, surprisingly, has been pretty good "Radio," if more than a little ragged around the edges), let's see what the MSM and blogosphere have to say about the same old Lions.

In the Freep, Drew Sharp blames the desert. Weird things happen to the Lions when they enter Arizona, such as the infamous Bobby Ross "Go for 2 when down 4" meltdown in 1999. As much as it pains me, I have to agree with Sharp that the Lions have not earned the "Benefit of the doubt to casually toss aside games like these as ignorable blemishes."

Good teams don't let opportunities slip through their fingers. The Lions not only lost a game in the NFC North race to Green Bay, but they could have placed some valuable space between themselves and their likely wild-card challengers, Washington and the New York Giants, after both lost.

This loss doesn't downgrade the Lions to fraudulent status again, but it proves that perhaps they're not comfortable with the heightened expectations that follow great performances.

Mike Valenti brings his tough guy schtick to print from the radio, calling the upcoming Lions - Giants game, "The Phoney Bowl."

Not only have these "Paper Kitties" not beaten anyone of consequence, they haven't even played a decent team! Add to it their fraudulent defense that uses turnovers as their sole lifeline to respectability and you have a dynamite combination.

At the News, their editors must have seen the same old Lions coming, as rather than send A-list columnist Bob Wojonowski, they sent the "Worst Columnist in America" to cover the game instead. Befitting the news' Z-list columnist, all he could come up with was, "This one will sting." No shit, Sherlock...

After all, the Cardinals were playing with a one-armed quarterback and had a running game that appeared to be on its last leg. Worse, the Cards entered the game on a three-game losing streak.

It appeared as if the Lions were primed to reverse their losing trend in the desert. Coming in, the Lions had not won in Phoenix since 1993, going 0-for-3.

It didn't happen. Ouch!

At Mlive, the Killer grades the Lions, and tears into the awful offense.

OFFENSE: F When you combine five turnovers and minus-18 yards in the running game, you don't deserve a grade, you deserve detention. Quarterback Jon Kitna is going to take a lot of heat for the turnovers, but he wasn't getting much help from his blockers, and it wasn't just the offensive line. This unit can't do anything with any consistency.

But the Killer also says this loss wasn't "Much of a setback." It's all about the next 2 games at home against the Giants and Favres.

If the Lions win both of those games, they're official playoff contenders. If they lose both, they'll have to fight like heck to hang on throughout December and make this a meaningful season. If they split, they're still in excellent shape -- of either winning the division or nailing down a wild-card spot.

The blogosphere as been fairly quiet, as if they are still in shock from the Lions 3rd debacle of the season.

Quo Vadimus puts it bluntly. "When the Detroit Lions lose, they lose ugly."

Well, that wasn't very good. The Detroit Lions were blown out (again), on the road (again) on a day where they could have picked up a game on every NFC Wildcard rival. The Giants lost. The Saints lost. The Panthers lost. Washington lost. And, so did the Lions. So, we lose a game to Green Bay in the race for the NFC North (now two games back) we didn't lose any ground in the Wildcard hunt. That's the good news. The bad news? Well, the entire game for the most part. Penalties. Sacks. Turnovers, and lots of them, four by Jon Kitna by himself, after not having any the last three weeks.

Lionbacker called the ugliness in Arizona a "Trap game," in that the Lions played as it they were overlooking the Cardinals.

Trap game? As hard as it might be to believe the Lions might actually over look a team perhaps that is what happened to Detroit out in the desert. What had been working for the Lions, a balanced offense and winning the turnover battle, abandoned the team as the Cardinals looked more like the playoff contender in this game.

That's "Above the Fold" for Veteran's Day, Monday, 11-12-07!

Thinking out loud...

1. I watched a half hour of the Michael Vick "Town meeting" on the worldwide leader last night. Deadspin has a ton of pertinent links for those that missed it. I turned it off once it became obvious that it was nothing more than a race baiting screamfest, with those on both sides of the issue not bothering to consider the opposing viewpoint.

I felt badly for Bob Ley, the moderator, as there was no way he could keep a lid on the audience, as those in attendance were 99% pro Mike Vick. He was stuck in a no-win situation. The audience angry mob spent the majority of their time hooting in derision, and shouting down anyone saying Vick was anything other than a victim of "The Man." It was highly disturbing television, to say the very least.

I needed to take a shower afterwards, just to scrub all the closed minded ugliness off of me.

2. Ian does an excellent job today over at Bless You Boys, stepping into my shoes, posting a deconstruction of Rob Parker's latest piece of hackery, saving me the trouble. Parker's claims that Gary Sheffield may retire is full of pure speculation and innuendo, but no facts.

There's nothing new here, as Parker is just taking past quotes to come up with a scenario that fits his "Controversial" topic. This quote Parker uses from Sheffield says it all, "I really haven't thought about just walking away." Yet Parker picks up the ball, and runs with it all the way to "Sheff may retire!" Parker is a hack, period. He represents all that's wrong with the MSM.

3. Demonoid has been down for 2 days, and I'm going through severe withdrawal issues...

4. Michael Wilbon is afraid of blogs? Good, as he should be. Well, actually Wilbon has nothing to fear, as he's one of the best columnists around. But the MSM in general? They are quaking in their boots, for good reason. How many of you go to the blogosphere first for the vast majority of your sports pontificating? I know I do.

Should I care, as Wilbon does, that most blogs have no accountability? No, because I'm aware of that fact going in. I wouldn't expect anyone that reads TWFE to think that I answer to anyone, that I have any sort of inside connections, or that my opinions are anything other than that, just my opinions.

Of course the MSM has a different set of standards, and I'm glad they do. Report the facts, and only the facts, leave the bias at home. Blogs, on the other hand, are almost exclusively opinion, commentary, and totally biased, with a dash of satire, attitude, and cynicism thrown in. There's room for both, and if anything, blogs are making the MSM step up their game. And that's a damn good thing...

5. Golf's President's Cup starts tomorrow. I didn't even realize it, till I read about it in today's Detroit News. Now I enjoy golf as much as anyone, and find the Ryder Cup to be highly entertaining theater. But the President's Cup has a created for TV feel about it, trying to recreate the atmosphere of the Ryder Cup, without any of the history or emotion that comes along with it's spiritual father. Actually, you could say the same about the PGA's faux playoffs, the mostly ignored Fed Ex Cup. No one really cares, as the only thing that matters are the 4 majors, and the bi-annual Ryder Cup.

Plus, it's football season, and the MLB playoffs are just around the corner. The NHL is in camp, and just about to face off, and the NBA won't be far behind. No matter what sort of silly season stuff they create in the PGA Tour boardroom, golf just can't compare. honestly, I find what interest I do have in golf ends the moment a winner of the final major of the season, the PGA, is crowned. So Tiger, Phil, and the rest of the PGA tour? No offense, but I'll see you in April, when you tee off at Augusta.

6. The Bears have benched Rex Grossman, and Brian Griese is going to start against the Lions. With Griese under center, he'll be able to keep turnovers to a bare minimum. I think only chance the Lions had in beating the Bears rode on the inaccurate and inconsistent arm of Grossman. Without Rex giving the Lions a short field, and keeping the Lions defense off the field, the odds that the Lions can beat the Bears became long.

I've just read the worst baseball column ever...

Want to know why the MSM gets mocked, reamed, and laughed at on a regular basis? Because of lazy, under researched, knee-jerk, and outright idiotic columns such as today's Kevin Hench Fox Sports column.

In an article titled "These players choked down the stretch," Hench's number 1 and 2 were Gary Sheffield and Jeremy Bonderman. I'm warning you now, you''ll feel your IQ dropping precipitously just reading this piece of bandwidth wasting tripe...

Gary Sheffield, Tigers

For the first four months of the season Sheffield was making the Yankees regret trading him. In August and September he's made the decision look pretty shrewd. On Aug.10 he was hitting .291 with 24 home runs and had the Tigers in the thick of the pennant chase. Since then he's sandwiched two punchless stretches around a trip to the DL. In his last 88 at bats, he's hitting only .159 with one home run as Detroit has faded badly. His slugging percentage over that six-week stench, er, stretch is a meager .205. That's an awfully big chasm to have in the 3-hole in a pennant race.

Jeremy Bonderman, Tigers

He wasn't around for the final twitches of the death rattle, having succumbed to a sore elbow. But perhaps no Tiger — even Sheffield — is as much to blame for the almost incomprehensible stretch fade of the defending AL champs as Bonderman. Following a July 19 no-decision, he was 10-1 with a 3.54 ERA. After that — Tiger fans avert your eyes or grab a bucket — he was 1-8 with an 8.23 ERA

Has Hench even looked into why Sheffield and Bonderman had awful second halves? It's would have taken him a 30 second Google search to find out why. I guess the use of facts to back up your opinion is lost on this "Columnist." (Term used only because Fox calls him as such)

If Hench had done that 30 second Google search, he would have learned that Sheffield is playing through a shoulder injury severe enough that it will require either surgery, or months of rehab? That Bonderman had been trying to pitch through an elbow injury, an injury that he didn't tell anyone on the Tigers about because he knew it was severe enough to have him removed from the rotation?

In what world does "Injury = Choking?" Only in the short bus riding world of Kevin Hench.

I'm guessing that Hench knows that Sheffield and Bonderman are hurt. I have a good idea as to why Hench didn't mention the injuries. Because it wouldn't have allowed him to use them as part of his column's flawed premise.

So what do you do if facts don't allow you to make your argument credible? You "Rob Parker" your column. "

To "Parker" a column is to do the following: "Stats or factual events won't back up your POV? Then either ignore them, or use small sample sizes, problem solved."

This was a textbook example of "Parkering." Hench did Parker proud with this utter waste of a column.

I can't say enough what an outright piece of tripe Hench wrote. Hackery at it's lowest...

Rob Parker alert: Lloyd Carr is done after this season...Well, he kinda sorta maybe could retire

I had the TV on in the background, but really wasn't paying all that much attention to WDIV's "Sports Final Edition," as SFE give Rob Parker way too much airtime. I don't need any Parker in my life at 11:45 pm.

But then his rumor mongering bit, "Clubhouse Confidential" came on.

Despite doing my best to ignore Wobb, I thought heard him mention "Lloyd Carr," "Retirement" and "This season." That immediately got my attention, so I rewound the soundbite on the DVR. These were his exact words...

"My moles are telling me that this is it! This will be Lloyd Carr's last year if everything goes right." And you know we've heard some grumblings in the past, maybe he might hang it up, this and that, but my moles in Ann Arbor say this could be the year."

That's his big news? I got all wound up for that?

I just love how he gives himself a pair of outs in regard to Lloyd leaving, using terms like "If everything goes right," and "This could be the year."

"Maybe he might?" Much as 2 negatives make a positive, do 2 maybes make a definite?

The possible retirement of Carr is far from being confidential, and in fact, pretty much common knowledge. It's been rumored for a few years now that Lloyd would leave when Chad Henne and Mike Hart graduate.

Ask a guy on the streets of A2, and they'd say that Carr's retirement is pretty much a season or 2 away, at best. They probably have the same "Moles" as Wobb.

If everything aligns, and the Wolverines have the sort of season most expect them to (Top 10 ranking, BCS bowl appearance, in the Mythical National Championship hunt), to say that Lloyd was very likely to walk is far from earth shattering. It's definitely not news.

Parker may just as well have said that Bo Schembechler is still dead. It'd be just as much of a scoop as saying that Lloyd might leave.

Attention viewers of Cold Pizza, and 1st & 10! Rob Parker alert! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

I'm giving advance notice to the viewers of the worldwide leader's Cold Pizza and 1st & 10. Consider yourselves at DEFCON 1!

Last night on WDIV TV's weekend wrap up show, Sports Final Edition, there was announcement that chilled viewers to the bone. The consensus worst columnist in America, Rob Parker, let it be known that he had been asked to return to Cold Pizza, and will be polluting your screens this coming Thursday and Friday.

If you missed Parker's previous week long stay on Cold Pizza, consider yourself damn lucky. If you are curious as to why the urgent warning, let me direct you to this post for the full Parker primer.

Please, for all that is good and holy, take this warning with utmost seriousness. If you value such things as common sense, lucidity, and actual sports knowledge, you'll avoid the deuce like the plague.

Remember, forewarned is forearmed...

"The Worst Columnist in America" continues to live up to his title...

As much as I try to avoid reading anything associated with "Rob Parker, Sooper Geenus," I just had to read his last two Detroit News columns about Michigan Wolverines basketball. They were jaw droppingly inane, and written with an obvious agenda. They also left me with a question for the consensus "Worst columnist in America."

Why the sudden outpouring of love for Tommy Amaker and the University of Michigan basketball program?

It's a misunderstood love for an underachieving program, one that is nothing more than mediocre. It's a program that become totally irrelevant to the media, the student body and Michigan fans in general. It's impossible to defend Amaker's results as a head coach, but Lord, does Parker try...

Monday, Wobb openly campaigned for Amaker to keep his job at Michigan. In fact, he claims that Michigan would have reached the NCAA's a couple of times by now, if not for one thing. What is that one thing? All of you who answered with either "Tommy Amaker" or "Late season collapses" are correct, but not according to Wobb...

Over the last few years, it appeared as if Michigan was headed for the primetime postseason play a couple of times.

But major injuries derailed everything and set the program back again.

INJURIES? In fact, he actually has the nerve to use that excuse several times in his column ode to Amaker.

Amaker, who took Seton Hall to the NCAA Tournament in 2000, probably would have made the tournament twice by now if injuries didn't undo his team two years in a row.

Don't insult the intelligence of the few readers you have left. Could you ever see Tom Izzo using injuries as an excuse? Or Amaker's compatriot at Michigan, Lloyd Carr? It's a lame excuse, considering that all teams have to deal with injuries.

There's plenty of reasons the Wolverines have never made the NCAA's during the Amaker era. To blame injuries is to ignore what every basketball fan on the planet can see. That Michigan isn't all that good, and is exposed for what they are when they actually have to play legitimate D-1 teams.

Come on now, Wobb. That's not only redundant, lazy writing, but also ignoring what is obvious to the naked eye. That Michigan's 16-3 start to the '05-'06 season was fraudulent, thanks to scheduling practices that would embarrass a community college.

Last season, Michigan's senior-laden team failed to qualify for the NCAA Tournament despite starting the season 16-3. Just like the previous season, injuries derailed everything.

Bringing up Michigan's out of conference scheduling practice of playing small time directional schools, community colleges, and intramural squads would derail his "Keep Amaker" directive. So Wobb just ignores it. Notice he used "Injuries" a third time, just in case we missed the previous two?

Wobb also brings up that hoary old chestnut, Amaker's supposed recruiting acumen.

The best thing about Amaker is that he's a heck of a recruiter, landing the likes of Daniel Horton and DeShawn Sims. "

That's almost as clueless a statement as George Bush saying "You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie." Amaker's recruiting classes have never ever lived up to the hype. He's a middle of the road recruiter, at best.

For that matter, the kids he does get, don't improve during their careers. Good Lord, Daniel Horton is example #1 for those that say players don't live up to their potential under Amaker. Sims was a heralded recruit who hasn't yet lived up to his accolades. The results speak for themselves...

You would think that one column ode to Amaker would be enough. You thought wrong... Wobb returned today with yet another fluff job about Amaker and Wolverines hoop.

But Michigan did what it needed to -- it won, 68-58. If Michigan (22-12) had done that against Iowa and Ohio State in Ann Arbor, it would be seen as a program on the rise instead of off the college basketball map.

There's all kinds of disinformation in that paragraph. It's just one big "What if." When it comes to Amaker, Wobb believes in the old adage, "If if's and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas."

It's silly to even bring up those painful losses to Iowa and tOSU. They both were textbook examples Wolverines basketball, a true microcosm of the Amaker era. Play well at the beginning, fade badly at the end, then be at a loss as to why it happened...

Michigan would have been a program on the rise? Get real. This was a senior lead team, a team that had been building up to this season. This was the year for their big run at the NCAA's. Next season's Michigan team is guaranteed to be a rebuilding one, and will take several steps back. That would have been true even if they made the big boy's tournament.

The NIT game played at Crisler had a little over 3K in attendance. That's if you include media, the players, and concession workers. It should embarrass the Michigan powers that be to have a nationally televised home game that couldn't draw flies, let alone fans.

It's not a good sign when a revenue producing sport isn't bringing in any revenue. Parker twisted the low attendance into a compliment of sorts, calling the crowd, "rather small, but loud." You might just as well say that, as a coach, Tommy Amaker is "rather awful, but dresses nice." Makes just as much sense.

As much sense as the following...

Winning is never a bad thing -- even if it's just the NIT. Michigan won the NIT in 2004 and made the final last season.

I agree in that winning the '04 NIT was a good for a struggling program, and a then young team. But when it's become the one and only highlight of the Amaker era, bringing up your accomplishments in the Not Invited Tournament just throw more light on not playing in the only tournament players and fans alike care about. A 3 seed in the NIT is a hollow accomplishment for a senior dominated team.

I'm not sure why Parker has taken the point position in defending Amaker. I could guess, but I do NOT want to go there. I'll just take these columns odes to Amaker with a grain of salt, and write them off as the rantings of a functionally retarded contrarian.

The "Worst Columnist in America" reaches a new low

Things have been quiet on the Wobb Parker front recently. Me thinks mostly due to the fact that the "Worst Columnist in America" was busy trying to hitch his sorry ass to "Cold Pizza."

Now that he's done, and most likely failed, with his social climbing, Wobb comes back swinging with his most asinine and utterly insipid column since his attempt to slander the Tigers' Dave Dombrowski, by calling him the worst GM in Detroit.

In fact, I think Wobb has reached a new level of ineptness. Parker reached for the brass ring of stupidity, and has grasped that stupidity with a death grip.

Why am I waxing rhapsodic over the cluelessness of Parker? Wobb turned in a column, printed in today's Detroit News, that has even the most rabid Michigan basketball fan saying, "What the fuck?"

I quote...

Tommy Amaker shouldn't be fired.

Not today. Not next week. Not after this season.

Every blogger, newspaper columnist, Michigan apologist, and fan had long concluded that the Amaker era has been a spectacular failure, and that his coming back for this season was most undeserved. So the thought that Amaker "Deserves" even more time as the face of Wolverines hoop must come from... 1) A lunatic who should be committed 2) The functionally retarded or 3) The worst columnist in America.

About the only line in this entire column deep, sloppy French kiss to Amaker that makes any sense is, "The program truly is clean."

Other than that, there should be no defending the results of Tommy Amaker. But how Parker tries...

He continues to land A-list recruits.

Who either plateau, or actually regress, rather than improve during their careers.

Parker uses Daniel Horton as a shining example of Amaker's coaching acumen. Horton was a great freshman, unfortunately he was never better. Michigan fans know that Horton never truly lived up to his potential. He was basically the same player all 4 years. Horton came to Michigan as a good player, who after a Big Ten Freshman of the Year award, looked like a NBA 1st round pick. Horton left Michigan as a good player, who wasn't even drafted.

The other example Wobb uses is DeShawn Sims. He of the 3 points, 2 rebounds and 33.8% shooting, all in 9 minutes a game. If you go by Amaker's MO, judging by how players like Horton and Courtney Sims have turned out, DeShawn Sims is not going to get all that much better.

The column takes a turn for the bizarre with this paragraph...

Those who say Amaker hasn't done anything are grossly misled. With Amaker at the helm, Michigan won an NIT title in 2004 and lost to South Carolina in the NIT final last year. That doesn't sound like players who don't want to play for a coach. In fact, it's the opposite. It tells you what kind of a motivator he honestly is.

To defend Amaker by using his "Success" in the NIT Michigan Invitational Tournament, is ...Well, I don't have a word that describes the absolute idiocy of that paragraph. Michigan does well in the NIT, a losers bracket whose only reason for existence is to fill time on the Worldwide Leader, and give the mediocre teams that go some extra practice time, so that proves he's a "MOTIVATOR?"

That's jaw droppingly dumb.

The college basketball world revolves around one thing, and one thing only. Making the only tournament that matters, the NCAA's. For a school of Michigan's stature, with a history of good to excellent basketball teams, to not even sniff the true basketball postseason for the entirety of Amaker's tenure, is unforgivable. Unless, of course, you're Rob Parker.

Wobb really begins to stretch for reasons to keep Amaker with this nugget.

Amaker, who took Seton Hall to the NCAA Tournament in 2000, probably would have made the tournament twice by now if injuries didn't ravish his team two years in a row. It's not an excuse, it's just plain fact.

So Amaker has made the NCAA's in the past? 7 YEARS AGO?! Whoop-de-God-damn-do! Look closer at his record, and it shows that in his previous 9 seasons coaching in both the Big East and Big Ten, 2000 is the only NCAA his teams have made. And to blame injuries? Considering the Wolverines' creampuff scheduling, they were NCAA bubble teams at best, injuries or not. Last season's Big Ten tournament collapse, a fiasco against an awful Minnesota team that kept them from consideration for a lower seed at-large bid, is conveniently ignored.

At this point, it appears that Amaker making the NCAA's was nothing more than a fluke. 4 of his teams were .500 or worse, another was 1 game above break even, and one was 4 games above. If you include this season, that leaves only 4 teams that could be even considered remotely successful. And it's common knowledge that Michigan built their winning records under Amaker thanks to an embarrassingly easy out of conference schedule, playing the likes of community colleges, directional schools, orphanages, intramural teams, and Ann Arbor Pioneer high school. Pardon, me, I got carried away. Michigan's schedule wasn't even THAT tough...

Still, Parker continues to praise Amaker, by comparing him to...Gary Williams at Maryland?

Maryland gave coach Gary Williams time to fix its troubled program. Williams took over in 1989. Five years later, the program's first season off probation, the Terrapins received their first NCAA bid since 1988. Williams led Maryland to a national championship in 2002. Hence, it wound up taking Williams 13 years to accomplish his ultimate goal.

Hold it. Sure, Williams had to take over a probation hindered program, as did Amaker. But Williams took over a program that is in what is generally considered the toughest basketball conference around, the ACC. Before you compare Amaker to Williams, let the stats talk. Williams - 11 consecutive NCAA's, became a perennial Sweet Sixteen participant, two Final Fours, one championship. Amaker - One NCAA appearance, 7 YEARS AGO.

Saying that Michigan should keep Amaker because he MIGHT turn out to be as good as Williams, despite massive evidence to the contrary, is comparable to saying the Lions should keep Matt Millen as GM because he might be as good as Ron Wolf. Both are laughable comparisons.

The entire column is laughable. As laughable as one of Parker's Joe Dumars' mandated Pistons love-ins. It never ceases to amaze me that a big market fish wrap continues to print such non thought out, ill researched, slanted, crap.

Addendum 2/3/07: Ian has a great take on Wobb's column as well...

Questions, we have questions...

I have a few questions for everyone, so please pay attention.

OK, I'd like to see who actually watched the NHL All-Star game last night? Be honest... A quick show of hands, please? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller? Thought so.

Another question. Anyone impressed with Tommy Amaker's leading the Michigan Wolverines cagers to a 16-5 record? No one? Just as I thought.

Has anyone seen any of Amaker's players improve over their career, even in the slightest? That's a gimmie...

Since the Wolverines aren't able to beat even the semblance of a good team, last night's whooping by the Badgers being the latest example of ineptitude, does Michigan have anything more than a slim chance to make the make the NCAA tournament? OK, enough with the laughing, I'm not joking! This is a serious question that needs an answer. No one thinks different? Hell, I expected as much.

Mike Furrey signed a 3 year deal with the Detroit Lions yesterday. Will keeping Furrey be the difference in the Lions avoiding another double digit loss season? Awful quiet out there! Hello?

Does Matt Millen have even the slightest clue? HA! Hey, I had to throw an easy one in there. If anyone thinks otherwise, I'll petition for their being committed.

Drew Sharp advocates that the Red Wings should try to acquire a nearly washed up and always injured Peter Forsberg from the Flyers. To me, this looks like another case of a columnist writing about a sport he knows nothing about, thinking that since Forsberg is a big name, trading for him must be a good idea. Do you disagree? Anybody? Wow, 5 for 5 so far.

Even though Peyton Manning is in the Super Bowl, you'd still rather be Tom Brady. The Tom Brady with his 3 Super Bowl rings, and dating models, than the fiveheaded commercial whoring Manning who's continually hanging around, not Victoria's Secret models, but Kenny Chesney, right? If you think different, speak up! It got awful quiet in these parts...

We all hope that Rob Parker passed the "Audition," and will he hired by the Worldwide Leader to take Woody Paige's place on Cold Pizza. No sane person thinks differently, right? Right? Whew, I'm glad we're on the same page! I have to admit, that scenario is in my prayers every night. I'm guessing the odds are damn good, as I'm sure that the Worldwide Leader is required to hire the functionally retarded. That has to be the only explanation as to why Matt Millen is still employed.

Is the Worldwide Leader's Sean Salisbury anything more than a clueless, bigoted, woman harassing ex jock blowhard with a feeling of entitlement who must have something on his bosses that allows him to continue to spew inanities on the airwaves? That's an easy one, no need to explain. He's nothing more than that...

Can anyone explain why in the Hell Salisbury is still employed by the Worldwide Leader? Or for that matter, what they saw in him in the first place? I don't have the answers either. Some things will never be answered.

Attention "Cold Pizza" & "1st and Ten" veiwers, the Rob Parker info you seek is here at TWFE

Detroit's own Rob Parker is appearing on the Worldwide Leader's "Cold Pizza" (In its final death throes, according to The Big Lead) and "1st and Ten" this week, which we Detroiters think is one of the upcoming signs of the apocalypse.

As a result of Parker's polluting of our TV's, TWFE is getting plenty of hits from whom I'm guessing are ESPN/ESPN2 viewers, searching for Rob Parker, Rob Parker Detroit, Parker Detroit columnist, and so on...

As a public service to all those poor souls who are having Parker unwittingly inflicted upon them by the WWLiS for the fist time, this post can serve as a one stop shop to all things Rob Parker, or as we like to call him, Wobb Parker, Sooper Geenus.


Want to learn more about the worst columnist in Detroit? Read on. We'll start with this illuminating post...

Who are the biggest hacks in the Detroit media?

"Rob Parker: Long considered Joe Dumars lap dog, as in his mind Joe D can do no wrong. On the flip side, thinks Dave Dombrowski can do no right, despite massive evidence to the contrary. Fond of twisting the facts to suit his needs. Stats or factual events won't back up his POV? Then either ignore them, or use small sample sizes, problem solved. His columns do nothing more than point out the painfully obvious, or are just plain painful. Parker's "Clubhouse Confidential" is often nothing more than a pure slanderous rumor mongering exercise of misstating facts, most pointedly in his mistaken claim that Tom Izzo was keeping Detroit Mercy's Brandon Cotton from getting another year of NCAA eligibility. How this hack has infiltrated TV, radio, and print so ubiquitously is hard to fathom, as I don't know of anyone who takes his opinions seriously."

That's Parker in a nutshell, folks. This is the "Expert" that the Worldwide Leader thinks the 12 of you who watch "Cold Pizza" want to see hanging out with überhack Skip Bayless on a daily basis.

What follows are just a few of the multitude of posts that will explain to the uninitiated what Detroiters think of the utter drivel that Rob Parker spews in print, radio, and TV. You have been warned...

Rob Parker, Pistons apologist

Want to lose IQ points? Listen to Detroit sports talk radio

"Delusional" defined: Wobb Parker thinks he is smarter than Jim Leyland

Wobb Parker, sooper dooper geenus!

Columnists say the darnedest things

Wobb Paker, sooper geenus...;

Reading between the lines

It's almost enough to make you pine for Woody Paige. Almost...

Rob Parker, Pistons apologist

The Pistons often looked bored early on in the regular season, only playing their best when an opponent intrigued them. To their credit, they did turn on the jets, going 15-3 from mid November through Christmas.

Since that streak ended, the Detroit Pistons are once again stumbling along, admittedly much in thanks to Chauncey Billups' calf injury. Unfortunately, they do seem to be coasting. They are 1-4 in their last 5 games, while looking totally disinterested.

What hasn't helped is that Flip Murray has been a disaster as Billups' back up, and is rumored to be on the trading block. The other healthy point guard, Will Blaylock, is playing like one would expect the last player picked in the 2006 draft. He's
occasionally decent, but looks overwhelmed the majority of the time. The 85 year old Lindsey Hunter is once again injured, and will be kept on ice, much like last season, till the playoffs near.

For the most part, the Pistons have been what we expected, no more, and no less. A good team that is in the upper echelon of the Eastern Conference.

Seems like a strange time for a gushing column to appear in the Detroit News, one highly praising head coach Flip Saunders. All becomes clear when you see that it's a "Column" from Joe Dumars' lapdog, Wobb Parker.

The headline alone raises an eyebrow. "Saunders' efforts move the Pistons above expectations."

I'm aware that the columnist don't write the headlines, but it does fit the tone of the column. But come on! "Above expectations?" 4th in the East, 2nd in the Central is above expectations? That seems to be meeting expectations, and that's being generous at best.

Wobb does his normal shill job when it comes to anything Pistons related. This column comes off as a paid advertisement selling the sometimes dubious virtues of Flip Saunders.

"Flip Saunders has held it together. Somehow, someway, the Pistons aren't the total mess they could be at this point."

Total mess? Saunders still has 4/5 of what was considered the best starting lineup in the NBA. It'd be damn hard to screw that up.

"Saunders has a chance to turn in the best coaching performance of his career. With the loss of Ben Wallace to free agency, he had to make changes and they have worked -- without any fall-off on defense or rebounding."

The only change is that Rasheed Wallace and Tayshaun Prince are each averaging close to 2 boards more a game when compared to last season. Add that with Wallace's replacement Nazr Mohammed's 5.8 per, and you have essentially replaced what Wallace brought to the boards. It appears more to me that 'Sheed and Prince stepped up their game, knowing that Ben Wallace was no longer around to cover their asses. I honestly don't know how much of that is Saunders, and how much the players. But considering the NBA is a players league, I hesitate to give Flip a ton of credit.

"The bottom line remains the Pistons, as much as any team, have a chance to get to the NBA Finals for the third time in four years."

That is exactly what fans and experts expected, even with the loss of Ben Wallace, that the Pistons would be in the mix for the Eastern Conference title. What exactly is so special about Flip having the Pistons exactly positioned where EVERYONE expected?

But don't feel sorry for Saunders. He knew what he signed up for when he came here after being fired by the Timberwolves. He could easily have taken a less-pressure-no-expectation team gig. Instead, he took the challenge of taking over a team that went to the NBA Finals two years in a row and probably could only go down.

With all that has happened, that's where they should be. But, Saunders has them still up near the top.

I doubt ANYONE feels sorry for someone making millions on a guaranteed contract. And why would any coach worth his salt choose a NBA bottom feeder over a playoff tested contender like the Pistons? That would be outright stupid.

The last 2 sentences utterly confuse me. The Pistons are where they should be, in contention. Yet Saunders has them where they are supposed to be, in contention? What? I have no idea what Parker is trying to say, and from the confused wording, Parker doesn't either. Must have been s misprint in Dumars' latest memo...

What's interesting after reading the Dumars bought and paid for Parker column, the the News' Pistons beat writer is not quite so optimistic. Today's Chris McCoskey article is not written using the red, white, and blue colored glasses that Wobb wears when writing about the Pistons.

"Bored or not, injured or not, the Pistons have to start getting serious about securing their foothold in this raggedy Eastern Conference playoff race."

"The Pistons are squandering way too many games in this, the easy part of their schedule. And those are games that are going to be difficult to retrieve later in the season."

In my mind, McCoskey accurately describes the Pistons team that we have seen through the first months of the season. Bored, inconsistent, and making things more difficult for themselves. Why Parker hasn't seen that is a mystery...

One thing has become clear, as was noted in a post today by the go to blog for all things Pistons, Detroit Bad Boys. The Pistons don't have a chance in Hell unless Chauncey Billups is on the floor.

It's interesting to note that it took an injury to Billups to reinforce the idea that the Pistons have to sign him long-term in the coming off season. Without Billups, the Pistons just might as well go into rebuilding mode. Pistons apologist Parker would likely blow sunshine up our asses, and claim that the Pistons don't rebuild under Dumars, they just reload.

Either way, we'd all feel a little better about the Pistons if they at least looked interested as the season slooooowly moves toward the playoffs.

As quoted in McCoskey's article, 'Sheed is thinking the same thing.

"No doubt," Rasheed Wallace said. "We've got to put it in second gear right now. It's the second half of the season right now, even before the All-Star break. We have to start locking in."

I hope you take your own advice, and don't believe Parker's apologist "All is well" mantra, 'Sheed...