Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The worst columnist in America has the cure to what ails the Pistons...Chris Webber?

As I sat down at my balky PC this morning (my wireless keyboard hates me), I had an email from a friend of TWFE alerting me to the latest Rob Parker column. That person was wondering "What was he thinking?"

Honestly, I have the same thought after EVERY Parker column. But his missive in today's News is Parker at his worst.

Today, the functionally retarded one carries the torch for Chris Webber returning to the Pistons.

If the Pistons can get a deal done -- and that would take clearing a roster spot -- Webber will be a welcome addition to the team, just as he was around this time a year ago.

It's interesting to note that Parker has no quotes from the Pistons, or from Webber. Where's he getting this info? Is it all just conjecture? All we've heard is that the Pistons have said the roster is currently full.

That's why I have to wonder if Joe Dumars himself gave this story to Parker to run out there as a trial balloon, to see how the idea of C-Webb returning flies with both the public and MSM at large. If you ask me, it's going to go over as well as Parker's clueless 2006 column undeservedly and gleefuly trashing Tigers' GM Dave Dombrowski. In other words, not well at all.

Parker continues with a little revisionist history...

Granted, things didn't work out fully because the Pistons failed to advance to the NBA Finals, losing instead to the Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference finals.

But in no way was it solely Webber's fault. Things just came apart at the end and the Pistons didn't get the guard play they needed. That shouldn't make anyone worry for a minute that Webber can't help this team.

"Just came apart?" If you want to call totally imploding "just coming apart," them I might agree. Yes, Rip Hamilton, and especially Chauncey Billups played well below their capabilities. But Parker makes it sound as if the Pistons just had a bad couple of games, rather than a complete and utter collapse. It wasn't the bump in the road Parker's wording makes it out to be, as the Pistons were outright embarrassed by the Cavs.

The Cavs being blown out by the Spurs in the NBA Finals made losing the series even more painful for the Pistons, and their fans. There was NO WAY IN HELL Detroit should have lost to what was essentially a one man team. Yet, the Pistons somehow managed to do the impossible, lose the conference finals to one man surrounded by 11 balls of suck.

Parker continues with his blathering...

They aren't looking for Webber to be a savior -- which is great because he isn't one any longer. Still, Webber has something to offer, especially off the bench.

Webber, who will be 35 in March, is a perfect post player to run your offense through. He's an excellent passer. Normally, when he delivers the ball, Webber provides an easier look at the basket for a teammate.

Sure, C-Webb may be 35 in March. If I can use my public schooling math skills correctly, that means Webber is 34 years old. A very creaky 34 years old. You might as well age Webber's knees in dog years.

Despite Parker's careful wording regarding Webber's age, you can't hide the fact he has been in in the association for 14 seasons. That's a ton of wear and tear, and as we saw last year, it's showing on Webber. He was literally dragging himself, and his creaky knees, up and down the court at the end of the season.

Parker also conveniently ignores Webber's matador style defense. With those knees, with his lack of lateral mobility, Webber couldn't cover me, and I'm a middle aged, arthritic pylon.

Is Webber still a slick low past passer? Damn straight. Is what he brings to the Pistons key for their success? No, as they go as Billups and Rasheed Wallace go. Period.

You can see Webber playing 12-15 minutes a night. Best of all, coach Flip Saunders can see quickly if he's able to help or not. Last season as a starter, Webber was either very good or very bad.

If it's one of those bad nights, you go to someone else. If Webber is playing well, then you get all those minutes out of him.

Parker sees Webber getting 12+ minutes a night. But the question should be, does Webber see himself playing so little? Come on, everyone knows he's going to harp about playing time. It's what Webber does, even when he was averaging just over 29 minutes a game in the 06-07 regular season.

Then Parker starts getting silly...

Go back to last season. The Pistons had one of their best stretches once Webber became a starter, going 16-4. They also started the playoffs on fire, winning their first seven games and 10 of their first 12.

This time around, Webber will come in rested and not be coming off an injury that limited him to just 18 games with the 76ers last season.

In 43 games for Detroit, Webber averaged 11.3 points, 6.7 rebounds and three assists.

And some nights, there even were flashes of brilliance.

This is typical Parker, using stats selectively, cherry picking what he needs to make his shaky argument credible. Otherwise known as Parkerizing a column.

No one cares about the regular season, it's all about the playoffs. Here's C-Webb's playoff stats...

25+ minutes, 9.9 PPG, 6.3RPG, and 1.5 APG. Down across the board. It was a viscous circle. you could say the stats were down thanks to playing 4 less minutes, but he was getting less PT due to his disappearing while on the floor. Honestly, Webber should not have been getting those kind of minutes as it was, as he was running on fumes in the playoffs.

More importantly, Webber was totally non-existent against the Cavs. He did next to nothing in that series. I want to see "flashes of brilliance" when it counts, not against NBA bottom dwellers in March.

Then, to fill column inches, the functionally retarded one lists C-Webb's accomplishments.

Webber, selected after his sophomore season by the Orlando Magic with the first overall pick and then traded to the Golden State Warriors, has done just about everything you can do in the league except win a championship.

He was rookie of the year in 1994 and has made it to the All-Star Game five times, been to the postseason a bunch of times and made a ton of cash.

None of that is pertinent to the discussion at hand. None of it. Webber isn't that player anymore, and hasn't been in quite some time, not since his microfracture surgery. Compared to the player he once was, Webber's shadow is a shadow of his former self.

Parker fails to mention Webber's college and pro teams have never won the big game. Not at Michigan, as they never could close the deal in the NCAA's, and more tellingly, his teams never won the Big 10. Nor at Sacramento (His Golden St. Washington and Philly teams never had a chance), where some very talented teams ultimately underachieved, never getting past the western finals. (which they only reached once)

Parker finishes his tripe filled column with a tug at the heartstrings...
Last year, Webber was two victories away from making The Finals.

Here, he would have one more shot to finally win it all.

Awww. The only reason this is an issue is that Webber is a native Detroiter. Win one for C-Webb! Fortunately, the Pistons aren't run on sentiment, just performance. And at this point of his career, despite Parker's belief, Webber would just be hanging on, hoping to to get a ring that he had little to do with winning.

I once loved Chris Webber as a player. But he's not that same player. Not at 34, with knees made of paper mache. It's time folks realized it, even if the worst columnist in America doesn't.


  1. Webber couldn't cover me, and I'm a middle aged, arthritic pylon.

    Yeah, but you're shifty for a middle aged, arthritic pylon.

    Anyways, I love it when you eviscerate Rob Parker. That guy sucks with the gusto of a two-dollar ho.

  2. I have it on good authority that Webber is saving himself. Come July, Parker will be promoting him as the answer to the Tiger's bullpen woes.

  3. Just to pile on Mr. Timeout here... Pacers coach (former Philly coach) Jim O'Brien laid into ol' C-Webb. Full story can be found here:


    As you may recall, Webber was traded to the Sixers late in the 2004-05 season, supposedly providing a big complementary piece to Allen Iverson. The Sixers tanked in the playoffs. O'Brien was fired after the season.

    Highlights: Webber "clearly was toward the end of his career," was uninterested in practice or learning the offensive scheme, and resisted being used in the low post.

  4. Wow. Just read Michael Rosenberg this morning. Between the lines, he insinuates pretty strongly that Wobb is a Webber Stooge. Which sounds about right.