Thursday, June 29, 2006

Inside Millen's brain: If I ran the Tigers

Things are kinda slow on the football front, so I've been thinking, even though it hurts. What if W.C. bought the Tigers? I'm sure he'd name me Tigers President and Grand Poobah. I even made me a list as to what I would do if I ran the Tigers.

1. Fire Jim Leeland, but let him twist in the wind like Gary Moeller first. Hanging Moeller out to dry was big fun! Hee! Who cares if Leeland's a folk hero. I'm Matt Millen, and Matt Millen wins with Matt Millen's people, not with someone's leftovers, cause I'm Matt Millen! I'd then hire Ozzie Guyen. I'm on the same mental wave length as Guyen. Ozzie called that joy-boy Mariotti a "Fag." Hee! When it comes to joy-boys, like Johnny Morton or Jay Mariotti, I calls 'em as I sees 'em. I calls 'em fags. Damn joy-boys.

2. Since it worked out so well in my case, I'd hire a broadcaster to run the Tigers. I'd name John Kruk Tiger general manager. After hearing his brilliant trade scenarios, like the Zumya for Smotz deal, I think Kruk is another Mel Kiper. But even more smarter. I think he hates joy-boys too. If Kruk wasn't available? Rob Dibble. He's sooo funny on that damn sports best period damn period sports show. Reminds me of Marty. Hee!

3. Bring back Bobby Higginson. I like the cut of Higgy's jib, and I heard that the fans loved him. I've always said every team needs a rat. He dates strippers, so I'm sure he hates the joy-boys.

4. Sign several free agents that play the same position. If I had been involved in signing Maggie Ordonez, I'd have kept Higgy in right and would have made Maggs a shortstop. Chubby Rodryeguez? Keep Inge at catcher, and move Chubby to short. Kenny Rogers? Why the Tigers have a singer on the roster is beyond me, but I hear he's a gold glover too, so he could play shortstop. Just like wide receivers and quarterbacks, you can't have too many shortstops. As for Dimitri Young? DH. I'm not that stupid. Hee!

5. Extend Tod Jones' contract. I like Jonesy. He doesn't like joy-boys, either. Jonesy has a cool ass fu-manchu 'stache that puts mine to shame. Not that I don't have a cool 'stache. It's the same one I've had since 9th grade. Then I see that kid from Gozagga with one just like mine! Cool!

6. "Gum Time?" What in the Hell is "Gum Time?" Sounds like something the joy-boys would like, so I'd tell Nat Robberson to stop, or I'll cut his ass. Why? 'Cause I'm Matt Millen!

7. How would I handle the baseball amateur draft? I'd follow my checklist.

a. Concussion prone
b. Injured
c. Overweight
f. Lazy
2. Inconsistent
8. Skill position
+. Injured
x. Not a joy-boy
!. Kiper likes him
69. Hee!

If a player meets at least 4 of the criteria, I'm signing him to the dotted line. Then I'll sign him to a contract!

I'd follow these 10 ideas and lead the Tigers straight to the World Cup Championship!


  1. I think this post should be resurrected on SLR one day soon... so fitting and timeless.