I have all my draft tools ready. I even made a checklist to make sure I'm all set.
Package of number 2 pencils. Check.
Extra erasers. Check.
Scantron sheets. Check.
Crib sheet with all the test answers from Coach JoePa. Check.
Envelope full of 20's and 50...Wait a sec! This is my Penn State finals checklist! How did that get stuck in my Trapper Keeper?! I need to clean this sucker out. What the Hell else is in here?
A thank you note from Matt Leinart that he sent after last year's draft. That's Matty, always thinking of others. Hey, it's Mel Kiper's autographed picture! I wondered where that went. That's going on the mantle!
There they are! Damn, I was really worried, I thought I lost them. Compromising pictures of...How on earth does Ford bend into that position? Wow that's BIG! How does it FIT!? Gotta remember to put those in the safety deposit box with the negatives! I only need to break these out a contract time, so mum's the word.
Ah, there it is. My draft do-to li...Uh, to-do list.
1. Do a mock draft.
Jeez. That's it? Should be easy enough.
1rd round: They think they know that I know what they know, but I really know what they know. But I'm going to fool them all by taking Brady Quinn! I've missed having Joey around so much, I figure that Brady would be the next best thing to having Joey back. I was going to give Joey a call after the Dolphins released him, see if he wanted to come back, but Martz took away my phone! I went to Sgt. Marinelli to get it back, but he told me I need to fight my own battles.
2st round: I want my phone back, so if I pick another QB here, I think it'll make Martz happy. So I'm going to take
3nd round: Gotta get a wide receiver. I hear good things about Calvin
4rd round: I want to make sure we have plenty of QB's in camp. Don't need anyone throwing their arms out during the exhibition season! Drew
Round 5: Another wide receiver, just in case Calvin
What's this? I have 3 more round 5 picks? Christ, we'll be here all damn weekend! I'll just trade them for someone's 1st round pick next year, easy enough. That way I won't have to do anymore research. Research makes my brain hurt.
6td round: Homestretch! Just to keep Sgt. Marinelli happy, I'll pick someone for the defense. He just goes on and on and on about some end. Says this end is perfect for his defense. Blah, blah, blah. He talks about him so much, my mind starts to wander. Now I don't remember his name! Damn! What is it? I like pudding. Mmmmm....Puddng.
Hold it! What's this? We don't have a 6td round pick? How? Oh yeah, we traded it. All that time spent on research for nothing. That's 5 minutes I'll never get back.
7th round: After I get pudding, I need to keep the Sarge from yelling at me. Then I need draft some more defense here. There's some other dude he tells me he needs. A linebacker, I think? In the middle? Screw it, I'll just take the best player left on the board. I've gotten lucky with injured guys in the past, so why not? I'll get Adrian Peterson here. Just like receivers, you can't have enough running backs! There, I'm done!
What? We don't have 2st pick in the 7th round, but the LAST pick in the draft instead? Damn it, Peterson will be gone! I gotta be here till the END? Jesus Christ on a stick!
What's this? The pick's already been made for us? Cool. But who's Mr. Irrelevant?