Thursday, November 30, 2006

TWFE talks to William Clay Ford

As we all know, William Clay Ford has been silent all season in regard to Matt Millen and his handling of Ford's Detroit Lions. With the season spinning out of control, controversy swirling around Millen's status, and in need of damage control, the Lions front office contacted TWFE. They asked if I'd like to speak to the man, Ford Sr himself, in person.

What follows is our in-depth conversation...

I want to thank you for taking the time to talk to TWFE.


TWFE: Mr. Ford? Mr. Ford?

WCF: //ZZZZZ...snort...ZZZZZ//

TWFE: Hello?

WCF: //drool//

TWFE: Are you OK? Mr. Ford?

WCF: //wheeze//


WCF: //hack...ZZZZZ//

TWFE: William Clay Ford, Jr has just declared Ford Motor bankrupt, your stock is now worthless.

WCF: WHAT! God damn Junior! Call Hoover! I need to talk to the League of Nations! God Damn LIBERALS! Roosevelt is going to ruin this country! Going to Hell in a handbasket. I'm going to have to get with the Skull and Bones Society, have that DAMN Communist taken out with a Gatling gun! Good thing I invested in those bumblebee nickels, I used to say "Give me 5 bees for a quarter!" Those were the days. Now where's the onion for my belt?! Damn LIBERALS! I need a scotch! JEEVES! Scotch, pronto!

TWFE: Sir! Calm down! FoMoCo is still in business. I apologize, Mr. Ford. I just needed to wake you.

WCF: Who the HELL are you!? My new gardener? Here to change my bedpan? Did I ask for a new limo driver? Speak up, boy!

TWFE: Mr. Ford, I'm a blogger from Detroit, a life long Lions fan. I wanted to talk to you abut your Lions.

WCF: What in the HELL is a "Bogger?" You from Louisiana, boy? LOINS? What about my loins? Are you some sort of pervert, boy?


WCF: I'm not deaf, boy. Now what about my loins? Did I catch something from that Jew flapper I met during the war? Daddy warned me about...

TWFE: Sir! Not loins! Lions! The NFL team that you own, remember?

WCF: Don't pander to me, boy! What about my footballers? You here to ask why I fired Monte Clark? Go talk to Russ Thomas, boy!

TWFE: Uh, Mr. Ford, Russ Thomas died some 15 years ago. Matt Millen runs your team now.

WCF: Who?

TWFE: Matt Millen, he's president and general manager of your Lions.

WCF: No one manages my loins! Just give me a shot of that new fangled miracle drug, penicillin, and I promise to stay away from those Jew flappers. Now what about my footballers?

TWFE: They are 2-9 right now, and have a good chance of going 2-14.

WCF: 16 games? When did they add 4 games? Damn LIBERALS! Let me ask you a question, boy. Are my footballers making money?

TWFE: Well, I'm told that the TV contract gives each NFL team $100 million a year. Your stadium is sold out for the season. According to Forbes, your team is worth $839 million.

WCF: Goodness, I didn't know that the Dumont Network could afford that kind of money. Those Communists in the AFL trying to horn in on our monopoly must have been good for footballing business. So my footballers are doing well. Good, good, Russ is doing a GREAT job.

TWFE: Financially, yes. On the field though, they are God awful. Matt Millen has taken what was a near playoff team, and run them into the ground. Don't you want to win a title?

WCF: What about Y.A. Tittle? Mara and the Giants would never trade him. I could tell you stories about ol' Wellington Mara! HA! What? Oh yeah, quarterbacks. Russ tells me that Milt Plum is a fine T-formation quarterback. He's clean cut, a right hander, and white. Sounds like a very good QB to me, boy! I'm hearing good things about Bill Munson though, so Milt best look out! I'm glad we didn't draft that Namath character. Russ said he's a damn long haired hippie. JEEVES! Where's my scotch!?

TWFE: Uh...OK... Let's move on. What do you have to say about the "Fire Millen" phenomena? Detroit Lion fans despise Millen. There are websites, protest marches, signs everywhere, the fanbase is revolting, the media wants him gone, everyone is asking you to "Fire Millen."

WCF: Revolting? I agree! They're bastards too! Bunch of blue collar union joining Socialists. No one tells a Ford what to do, boy! No one! If I thought this "Millen" character, as you call him, could do the job managing my team of footballers, then I'm going to let him do so. I'm staying out of it. I'm perfectly happy when I'm down in Florida, drinking scotch by the gallon, counting my bumblebee nickels, and banging flappers. It's good to be a Ford!

TWFE: I'm sure it is, sir.

WCF: Hell yes it is! Those Communist Kennedy's have nothing on the Fords! I need to go drain the snake, where's my pissboy?! PISSBOY!

TWFE: Sir, a couple of more questions, if I could. Are you ever going to fire Matt Millen?

WCF: Who? Are you talking about the square headed goof with the funny mustache? He makes me laugh. I'll keep him around for shits and giggles, and if doing so pisses off the revolting Socialists, then that's all the better. WHERE'S MY SCOTCH DAMMIT!?

TWFE: Last question. Why did you keep Wayne Fontes around so long? He was a clown masquerading as a football coach.

WCF: Clown? Fontes? Who? Oh, you mean Freddy! I called that funny looking guy Fred Flintstone! He gave great foot massages. Told a good joke too. Did he have something to do with my footballers?

TWFE: Thanks for your time, Mr. Ford.

WCF: Who are you? Jeeves, have this man shot immediately.

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