Inside Millen's brain: I resolve...
WC and Billy Jr. aren't too happy with our 0-3 start. They wanted to know what I was going to do about it. I resolved to make a list to give them. So I came up with an action plan as to how I'm going to right the Lions ship.
1. I resolve to actually read our scouting reports on this years draft class, not just Mel Kiper's online. I've been getting ripped by everyone, because they all say my drafts haven't been too good. I think I know what happened. I didn't know I had our own scouting reports. I would get a binder from the scouting department, and the cover would say "For Your Eyes Only." I thought they were trying to give me the script for that lousy James Bond movie, so I'd toss it. I mean, it was a Roger Moore one! If they had put "Thunderballs" on the cover, then I might have read them.
So I figured that paying for ESPN's "Insider" would give me more than enough info to run a draft. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that the only page I bookmarked in the draft section was the page that rated college wide receivers. Ooops... At least I got to read all of Bill Simmons' archived columns. He's so funny! Almost as funny as Marty! Hee! I love it when he writes about "The OC" and "The Realist World." They're my favoritest shows ever. Hee!
VII. Sgt. Marinelli is always talking about "Details." When I talked to the Sarge during the preseason, he yelled, "Private Pyle, are you taking care of the DETAILS, maggot?" He's big on details, you know? So I subscribed to "Details" magazine. I didn't realize that he was talking about making sure I was doing the little things, like reading those scouting reports. So I resolve to cancel my "Details" subscription. It'll give me more time to read those reports. It takes a long time to read them when you have to sound out the big words out loud.
BC. I was talking to Killer Kowalski the other day. The Killer thought I needed help in the player finding departmement, because it takes me so long to read those reports. I asked Killer what I should do, and he said that I should hire Hughes.
So I called John Hughes. I loved "The Breakfast Club" and "Pretty in Pink," I figured the Killer did too. I really identified with Ducky, he should have gotten Molly Ringwald at the end of "Uncle Buck." But why call my most favoritest movie guy? I did, and you know what? He wouldn't even return my calls. John Hughes did send me something called a "Restraining order," though. Then I read today's paper, and Killer wrote that I should hire Ron Hughes. Ooops... He was talking about that Hughes. I resolve to call the Pittsburger team, and see what's up. If I can't get Hughes, maybe I can get Charlie Batch back.
<:{>. At Mike Williams' last weigh in, he was at 262 pounds! Damn him, he gained 3 pounds. When I confronted him, Big Mike said something about Charles Rogers, the "Chronic" and "Fluffernutters," that's why he was so heavy. How can you be chronically addicted to fluffernutters? I think that's what he was talking about, anyway. Thank Al Davis we cut Chuck! He was such a bad influence on Big Mike.
So I resolve to act as Big Mike Williams' food cooking guy. A "Noo-trit-in-ist" I think it's called. I checked into those food addiction programs for Big Mike, but they're only 12 steps? That's not enough of a workout! I was looking at one of those magazines with the big pitcures, and I saw an ad for the Trim-spa. Anna Nichole Smith said such good things about the Trim-spa, and she's HOT! So Big Mike is getting the Trim-spa morning, noon, and night. I'll get him down to his playing weight, 250, if it kills him.
5. I resolve to make more to-do lists more oftener. I have trouble remembering things, like how many wide receivers we have on the roster. The docs said something about post concussion syndrome. I didn't know what that was, and they said it's like being punch drunk. They suggested I write everything down, so I don't make so many mistakes. So that's what I'm going to do.
5. I resolve to make more to-do lists more oftener. I have trouble remembering things, like how many wide receivers we have on the roster. The docs said something about post concussion syndrome. I didn't know what that was, and they said it's like being punch drunk. They suggested I write everything down, so I don't make so many mistakes. So that's what I'm going to do.
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