Friday, June 20, 2008

Rob Parker plays GM. TWFE goes on "Epic Fail" alert!

The worst columnist in America, and Joe Dumars' media mouthpiece, "sooper geenus" Rob Parker, claimed in a recent column that knew what moves the Pistons needed to make in order to get back to the NBA Finals.

Hold it! Before we see how Parker plays pretend GM, let's wait just a second...

I have a question.

Why would anyone, let alone a world class NBA GM known for being a shrewd judge of talent, listen to a functionally retarded moron who has claimed the following:

  • The Tigers should attempt to sign Brett Tomko, Kris Benson or Shaun Chacon to solve their post 2006 season starting rotation issues.
  • Dmitri Young could still solve his problems, both personal (beating up women, substance abuse) and professional (unable to hit his immense weight), while still playing for the Tigers...Who happened to be in the MIDDLE OF A PENNANT RACE!
  • And most infamously, called Dave Dombrowski the worst GM in Detroit. Even worse than the porn 'stached goon in Allen Park.

With evidence of Parker's immense lack of sports knowledge out of the way, let's check out his 5 point plan to "fix" the Pistons.

1. Bust up the guards:
Parker advocates trading either guard, makes no difference which.

Easier said than done. Chauncey Billups has a hard to trade long-term contract and Rip Hamilton is the Pistons' only consistent scorer. I agree Rodney Stuckey has a very bright future, but you'll still need to find another guard. I'll give Parker a smidgen of credit, this seems to be the most likely scenario.

2. Snag a real center: Parker believes the Pistons should trade for...Jamaal Magloire?

Snag a real center? A legit NBA Center? And that's Magloire? Excuse me for a second...


I apologize, I'm back. Where were we? Oh yeah, Jamaal Magl....BWAAAHAHAHA!

Sorry about that. As for getting a good center? If there is one thing rarer than a GOOD Rob Parker column, it's finding a legitimate NBA center available on the open market. Nice thought, but it'll take a miracle, or a moronic dumb ass of a GM the Pistons can sucker into a lopsided trade, for Dumars to pull that one off.

3. Wallace needs focus: In Parker's words, "If that happens, Wallace can help."

Focus? That's an awfully generic, catch-all term, don't you think? It's like saying "Rasheed should try harder!" I don't think "focus" is the issue. It's his personality of wanting to be a piece of the puzzle, rather than the focal point. That isn't going to change. Ever.

Let's be real. Sheed is Sheed, period.

Realistically, he's the Pistons best bargaining chip thanks to his expiring contract. In fact, I wouldn't have an issue if the Pistons ended up keeping Sheed, for 2 reasons. He would never bring enough in return thanks to his occasional knucklehead ways, and having that HUGE salary cap slot open up after the season when some very nice free agents will be available.

4. Go after Bonzi Wells: Parker wants the swingman targeted in free agency to backup Tayshaun Prince.

Another knucklehead? Christ, how difficult does Parker want Michael Curry's first season to be?

There's a reason Wells will be playing for his 6th NBA team in 2008, and it's not because he can score. And even that's overstated, as Wells hasn't averaged double figure points in 3 seasons. Personally, I don't want the aging, overrated head case anywhere near Maxiell, Amir, Affalo and Stuckey. Wells isn't needed on a team that needs to get hungrier, younger and smarter. Wells would make the Pistons older, dumber and crazier.

Finally, we have number 5...

5. Hang on to Prince: Parker says, "Prince is so good, you almost take him for granted." He also goes back to his breakout '03 playoff performance, and the block on Reggie Miller in '04.

As good as Prince has been, he seems to have plateaued. Notice Parker brings up events from 4-5 seasons ago? Not anything from more recent playoff disappointments? If trading Prince as part of a package that nets the Pistons get a big time player in return (Tracy McGrady and Amare Stoudarmire are 2 names I've heard tossed around), as in the immortal words of Hawk Harrelson, "He gone."

Prince will never be an primary offensive option, and though solid defensively, he's not the stopper he was once made out to be. Prince is a complimentary player, a role player. A very good role player, but a role player all the same.

I'd be perfectly happy if Prince remains a Piston, but...If you have to include a role player as part of a trade which nets you a star, you do it. No if's, and's or but's about it.

So what do I think of Parker's playing pretend GM? After reading the 2008 Pistons would incluse Bonzi Wells, Jamaal Magloire, while trading one of the guards for no one in particular, making Sheed "focus" and Prince a focal point, I have only one thing left to say...

Thank God Joe Dumars only uses Parker as his media lap dog, rather than as a personnel evaluator.

1 comment:

  1. I'll eat my shirt if the Pistons go after Bonzi Wells. Isn't Wells the same guy the Pistons drafted, didn't want, and traded immediately so he could be someone else's problem.