Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Inside Millen's brain: After the draft

What a crazy weekend. Draft weekend always is. There's so much research to do, it's damn hard to take notes during all those ESPN draft specials! Kiper talks soooo fast. One of these days I need to learn how to use that VCR thingy. Someone said something about a using a Tivo. Tivo? What? I'm not Italian! Whatevs.

Anyway, it's always a good weekend when you only see a handful of those "Fire Millen" signs. And there was only 1 in the war room! They can kiss my sweet Millen ass!

You know what? So can Joey. I treated him like my own son. I defended him in front of Mooch and Marty. Ahhh, Marty. Marty was so funny. Hee! "Hairy high school stuff! Snap, hold, kick!" Comedy gold! Hee! Now where was I? Oh yeah, f'n Harrington. I defended him in the media. Even though Sgt. Marinelli scares me, I tried to sell him and that crazy ass Martz on his talent. And how does Joey repay me? By playing me like a fiddle. Playing me the fool. He just had to come forward and say he would only play for the Fish. F'n Saban got in his head. Joey's dead to me. D. E. D. Dead.

What's this on my desk? Willie Clay wants a report on the draft? Figures. Billy Jr. must be behind it. Willie C. trusts me, but Billy is starting to ask questions. "Why haven't we turned it around yet? Why can't we make the playoffs? Why did you draft all those receivers? Why, why, why?" Well...Blah, blah, blah, he's a God damn broken record. Good thing I have those pics of him. Negatives too. Hee! Anyway, Willie C. loves me, and I'm in his will, so that's all that counts.

But I still need to write that report. Here goes...

My 2006 Detroit Lions Draft

By Matt Millen, President & CEO For Life

1. Ernie Sims, LB, FSU: Forget about the 5 concussions. Sims doesn't even remember getting them, so it's a non issue. Forget that he's like 5'5". He's not undersized, he's just a mini Millen. Ernie is supposed to be really really fast too. That's what Kiper said on those ESPN draft specials. And Mel is always right.

2. Daniel Bullocks, S, Nebraska: Remember when I asked you to approve that huge contract for Kenoy Kennedy? Well, I was a little off on him, so we still need a safety. Not to worry, Bullocks is better than Kennedy! I promise! He played at Nebraska, they are always good. So he must be too.

3. Brian Calhoun, RB, Wisconsin: I know, I know, you are going to wonder why we need another RB, when we already have 4 on the roster. Blame Martz for this pick. I was in the bathroom, and Sgt. Marinelli was yelling at someone to give him 20, so that hothead Martz went and pulled an Alexander Haig, and took over. He made the pick. Talk to him. Please?

5. Jonathan Scott, OT, Texas: I used the same strateredgy I used on Bullocks. Texas won the national title, so he must be really good.

6. Alton McCann, DB, WVU: At least he's not Pac Man Adams.

7. Fred Matua, G, USC: His name sounded Samoan. You watch wrestling? You've heard of the Wild Samoans, right? The Wild Samoans were the coolest. They were big athletic guys, I figured a guy named Matua would be too.

7. Anthony Cannon, LB, Tulane: Tony Cannon. Rolls off the tounge. Sounds like the name of a bad ass TV cop! I remember watching the detective show "Cannon" when I was a kid. But Tony's not a fat guy like TV's Frank Cannon. With a name like "Tony Cannon," he's gotta be good!



  1. I love that picture of Millen, Al. You have to promise to use it everytime you do a Millen post.

    He looks retarded.

    Er, more retarded.

  2. I personally liked going with defense with the first two picks. I hope that Marinelli played nice until he was given the job and then let Millen know in no uncertain terms that if Millen ever gets in his way he will go 'Nam on his ass.

    Millen made a great selection for head coach. Now he has to just sit back and let Marinelli's work reflect back on him. I suspect it will look much more flattering than either Marty or Mooch's work.


  3. "Forget about the 5 concussions. Sims doesn't even remember getting them, so it's a non issue."

    Brilliant, Big Al. #$@%ing brilliant.

  4. Brian - For some reason I found that pic hysterical. Don't worry, any "Inside Millen's Brain" post will get that pic.

    Dave - I hope to god you're right. The draft had Marinelli's fingerprints on it, to say the least. But it's sooo much fun to pick on Millen....

    Ian - Thanks!