Friday, May 12, 2006

Inside Millen's brain: The breakup

I'm so sad. So sad. I'm almost incosolababble. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I finally traded Joey this morning. My pal Joey. There's his empty locker. There's his picture on the cover of that old media guide. Everywhere I look, I see Joey. Maaaaannn. You're my boy, Joey...You'

Where's my Kansas CD, I so want to sing along to "Dust in the Wind."

I close myyyy eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone. All my dreams, pass...JOEY!

I close my eyes and I see JOEY! Why? Why did you have to leave me? What happened? Why did you blow so badly? Kiper said you were good. That Theisman guy said you could play, and I hear he's a genius like Norman Einstein. Joey, you were supposed to be a sure thing. You were supposed to be "The ONE," like that dude in those Bill & Ted movies.

You know who I blame? Mooch. It's Mooch's fault. It's all Mooch's fault. I told him you were coachable. I told him you were talented. I told him that your Jeff Tedford coaching meant you were a lock to be good. I told him you were smart. S. M. R. T. Smart. But he didn't have faith in you like I had faith in you. But what do you do, Joey? You leave me. All alone.

When Joey gave that ultimatium that he would only play for the Fish, I was damn upset with him. So upset I could have sacked him with a bull rush. Given him a head slap, knock some sense into his Oregon loving ass. But that bean counter Lewand said that the union would come down upon me with the Hammer of Thor if I even threateneded Joey. Who knew that comic book dude was so powerful within the union?

The fact that I was able to fleece the Fish though, well, it warms my cockles. Saban said that he was going to wait me out, that I was going to have to cut my pal Joey anyway. But I was able negoatiate from a 7th to a guaranteed 6th round pick instead. Yes, guaranteed! But the kicker is that, get this, there is the possibility that it could be a 5th round pick! YES! A 5th round pick! All Joey has to do, for us to get that 5th round pick, is to be good. G. U. D. Good. I know talent, so it's a sure thing. Saban didn't know what hit him when I asked to make the pick condtional. But why did I hear giggling in the background whenever I was talking to Saban? Whatevs.

Willie C. will be soooo proud of me when I tell him that I played hardball and the deal is done. As we all know, a 5th round pick is only 5 less than a 1st round pick. So I'm sure I'll still get a good player next year with that 5th round pick. Kiper says the wide reciever class is really deep in 2007.

I'm gonna put my Kansas CD back on and put "Dust in the Wind" on repeat.

I'll miss you, Joey. I'll miss you.


  1. Big Al, I'm gonna start calling you "Butter," 'cuz you're on a roll, man.

    Millen singing Kansas songs in his office is an image (real or imagined) that will amuse me all weekend.

  2. Tom Brady, 6th round pick.

    Enough said.

  3. Thanks much Ian, I really enjoy writing the Millen pieces. Sometimes too much. lol

    Eno, let's just say I'm not hopeful. Who was the Lions last late round gem? Cory Schlesinger? Steven Boyd? I'm guessing those 2 are the most recent late round picks that became legit starters. Not a good track record.

  4. Tom Brady - selected by Bill Belichick and Scott Pioli.

    Lions' 2007 6th-round pick - to be selected by Matt Millen.

    Still like that comparison?

  5. Ian:

    You're assuming that Millen is still around after this year's 5-11/4-12 debacle.

    Ha ha. Wait, of course he'll be back. Never mind.

  6. Another great post. I think it is safe to say that it will stay a sixth round pick, there isn't any doubt in my mind that Joey has enough talent to get it up to a fifth... unless the claus includes throwing more INT's than TD's and having a passer rating somewhere around my GPA (currently 3.7, which is still higher than Joey's QB rating right?!?!).