Friday, February 10, 2006

The headlines will read, "Surreal and Dazzling." They should read, "Baffling and Pretentious"

The Olympic opening ceremonies = A WTF experience. Is there a bigger waste of time, money, and energy? Didn't think so.

I guess I'm just not cultured or sophisticated enough, but does ANYONE understand what the HELL is going on during any Olympic opening ceremony? Anyone? Please give me a clue if you do...

Lord help us, here comes the pomposity! It starts with some dude swinging a faux sledge upon a fire spitting anvil. Don't see that every day... For the next hour and change all I see is a stadium full of dancers and rollerbladers in skintight leotards with strangely painted faces gyrating wildly to weird techno while lots of lights are flashing and the rings of unity are raised. It's not the Olympics, it's Studio 54!

This is far from entertainment, it's a bad trip... "Don't take the brown acid watch the opening ceremony, man! You'll see bad things, man. Things you'll regret..."

During the march of nations, 70's disco and pop music played. Slovokia comes out to the tune "YMCA." When most people think Olympics, I'm sure the "Village People" are the first thing that come to mind. I'd love to be the country that marched out to the tune of "I'm Your Boogie Man." If there is a more fitting ambassador to the Olympic experience than "KC and the Sunshine Band," I haven't found him...

There was something going on that involved...cowbells? I looked in vain for Bruce Dickinson and Gene Frenkle, but there were no presriptions for more cowbell to be found. I take that they must have been exploring the studio space.

Suddenly, in midst of the muddled mess, a shiat load of Ducati bikes arrive. On top of that, a Ferrari Formula 1 car drives up, gets a four tire pit stop, and does donuts in the middle of the stadium. Fireworks ensue. What? Huh? Consider me offically lost.

More flags were raised, and lots self congratulatory speechifing ensued. About the only people that were missing from all the Italian self masturbation were the Malachi Brothers and Pinky Tuscadero.

One small saving grace is that Susan Sarandon and Sophia Loren carried the Olympic flag. Unfortunately that would have been a much bigger saving grace 20 years ago... Why Jessica Alba and Evangeline Lily weren't in their stead should be investigated immeadiately.

For some unkonwn reason, Yoko Ono appears, pissing off all the Beatles fans in the audience. Fans of Wings just shrug their shoulders. As I lose all track of time, a nearly unrecognizable Peter Gabriel sings "Imangine." "Shock the Monkey" would have been more fitting.

Some pretty hot looking Italian blonde skier chick lit a big ass torch. Much fire ensues. Beavis gets a chubby.

You know it's the big time when they roll noted fat man in a cape, Luciano Pavarotti, out to sing. And when I say roll...Well, I don't need to finish the joke. He looks as pasty and not much healthier than the Pillsbury Doughboy. Anyway, the fat man in a cape sang. More fireworks and the first doping scandal ensue.

Why do people watch this pretentious, inspid, overwrought pap? It's a sad state of affairs when sheep people watch this highfalutin' crap when the last four episodes of "Arrested Development" are being burned off by FOX at the same time. Burn in the bowels of Hell, FOX!

Bluths >>>>> Any Olympics opening ceremony.

1 comment:

  1. I think it's the interference from your Y chromosome, Al.

    And I hate (hate, hate, HATE!) the way FOX just dumped off Arrested Development with four episodes on a Friday night, while the Olympic opening ceremonies were on another channel. It's the TV equivalent of an answering machine break-up.

    Hopefully, the show gets the last laugh in another life on ABC or Showtime. (But I'm still convinced FOX dumps these shows to boost sales of DVD sets.)