Monday, May 08, 2006

Inside Millen's brain: Whodunit

Boy, it's quiet around here today with the players being off. You could throw a football and not hit a single person. What am I saying? That's no different than Joey throwing the ball in practice. Hee!

Willie C. is sooo pissed at Sgt. Marinelli, considering how the Ford's feel about unions. To have to give the players 2 days off with pay is killing him. Just killing him. It was all I could do to keep Willie C. from bringing in the kneebreaking union busters his graddaddy loved. Seriously. He wanted blood. I haven't seen him so upset since we got that $250K fine for not interviewing a minority. I got confused, I thought they meant talking to a majority of old white dudes and a minority of everyone else. Who knew? Whatevs.

So I best lay low for a couple of days. Hide from the media, cause you know they are always looking to cause trouble. Like that story about crazy ass Martz going apeshit and leaving the building getting leaked. Good thing Sgt. Marinelli just threatened to kick the beat writers collective asses and to go screw themselves, that the story was not true. I gotta remember what the Sarge always says in regard to talking the writers, "Deny, deny, deny!"

Too bad I can't tell Willie C. the truth about working the players too hard, the poor babies. It was Sgt. Marinelli's idea to make the players look soft as vanilla custard. The fact that the union grievance makes the sheeple that is our fans think Sgt. Marinelli is the next coming of Sgt. Rock, Bill Parcells, and Vince Lombardi combined makes his master plan all the better. And factor in the fact that Mooch now comes off as a softer Wayne Fontes, well, that just kills me to no end. Hee! Enjoy your gig on the NFL Network Mooch, cause you aren't getting a good coaching reference from me! Hee! Just like the Sarge says, just give name, rank, and serial number.

Even still, to keep the old man happy, he wants a list of who may have filed the grievance. He want me to cut their ass. Think Millen, think. Who goes on the shit list?

Who I Think is a Union Rat

By Matt Millen
Detroit Lions President and CEO, #55

1. Mike Williams: Sgt. Marinelli threatened to make Williams an offensive tackle if he didn't start to lose weight. Sarge has a point, as his 40 during mini camp was 5.8 and his vertical was 3". Remember when you asked why we didn't take a lineman till the 2nd day of the draft? That's why.

2. Dominic Raiola: I think Raiola holds a grudge because Sarge told him off after getting blown up during one on one blocking drills. Sgt. Marinelli told him his arms were so short and stubby that they were about as useful as a T-rex's arms were when masturbating.

3. Jon Kitna: When I signed Kitna, I didn't know that he was a Born Again Christian. I thought that fish insignia thingy on his car bumper meant he liked to bass fish. So I don't think Kitna liked it when Martz kept yelling "Jesus fucking Christ" every time he threw a bad pass. I'm told you aren't supposed to use His name in vain, but Martz could give a shit. Kitna said something about repenting and the rapture, but I told him I didn't need to pent again and that I don't like the rap music.

4. Charles Rogers: He's a druggie, I think he's back on the marihuana. When I thought I saw a doobie in his mouth, Chuck told me it was actually a clove cigarette. But I don't believe him. Martz said he thought he saw a hookah in Chuck's car. But why would Chuck have to pay for sex?

5. Ernie Sims: He says he doesn't remember attending mini camp, but I think he's faking another concussion.

The End


  1. A close second to that picture of Millen making me giggle is the thought of him using the term "whatevs".

  2. Great post!

    That is a damn shame that someone on the Lions ended up being such a damn baby, but I guess it is better to weed them out early than later.