The News' sooper geenus tells us what's on Joe Dumars' mind

It's tough coming up with material about the local teams. I should know, as I try to crank out something relatively entertaining every day, to various amounts of success.

But there's coming up with something funny/interesting/thoughtful, and there's just saying the Hell with it, and mailing it in.

Today, Rob Parker is "mailing it in." Not that I'm surprised.

 In his Detroit News "column," and as always in his case, the term is used loosely, Parker gives his take on Joe Dumars and his inaction in regard to the "big changes" he told everyone was coming. That's all well and good, but Parker gives us a level of analysis not even worthy of a Freep comment thread or an ESPN message board, let alone a major daily newspaper. (Can we even call the Detroit News "major?" They are in deep financial trouble and their circulation is plummeting faster than Barry Zito's career) But I digress...

Let's break down the latest by the consensus "Worst columnist in America."

Admit it. By now, you thought the Pistons would have had one, maybe even two, news conferences, announcing major trades and the addition of new players to shake up the still-winning-but-stale Pistons.

No Rob, I expected 5, maybe even 6 pressers.

OK, I will admit I thought the Pistons would have done more to improve the team than draft a narcoleptic power forward. I do agree the Pistons are as stale as week old Wonder Bread, despite what Tayshaun Prince believes.

Especially with all the buzz that was floating around the NBA after president Joe Dumars stated with authority that he was ready to make moves and that just about everybody was available.

Um...yeah. We already know that, Rob. Anyone who even casually follows the Pistons knows. It was above the fold news when it happened, when Dumars gave one of those "news conferences" you wrote about.


That's why the Carmelo Anthony rumors were out there instantly. Then there was the Baron Davis trade talk coming from the West Coast. Just recently came word that Tracy McGrady was interested in moving to Motown. 

None of those deals happened. 

Really? No shit, Sherlock.

These were nothing more than rumors manufactured by bored columnists and beat writers.  They were immediately shot down by your own paper's beat writer as wet dreams/flights of fancy. What's worse is these rumors continue to give you column fodder for weeks on end.

Instead, as the offseason continues to melt away, many are now wondering if anything will happen, especially when you talk about a blockbuster deal. 

But if you knew Dumars, really knew him, this shouldn't come as a surprise. Dumars isn't about making just any trade. He doesn't want a deal that simply changes faces.

Well, I don't really know Dumars, unlike Skip Bayless' punching bag claims he knows him. But I have to say...Duh!

The Pistons won 59 games last season. The team may be stale, and could use some fresh faces, but it's still damn good. As constructed, the Pistons remain contenders in the East. Change for the sake of change would be idiodic. Dumars himself has said as much. 

If Dumars, in fact, can't get a deal that he believes changes his team for the better, he'll stand pat. Believe it. That's why he's one of the best general managers. Not just in the NBA, but pro sports.

"I understand that it's not always easy to make a move and a lot of moving parts have to come together," Dumars said on Thursday. "You always have to have patience when you have the task of running a team." 

Again, Parker is beating a dead horse, as Dumars has already admitted he'll stand pat if the right deal doesn't materialize. But regurgitating it eats up a few column inches, so it's all good...

You don't need to tell me Dumars is one of the better GM's in pro sports, and not just because it's coming from the worst columnist in America. It's obvious to even the dullest of sports fans Joe Dumars is a better GM than 90% of his peers. Which isn't saying much when morons like Chris Wallace (The Grizzlies' GM  who "masterminded" the Pau Gasol trade) and Danny Ferry (who's been unable to come up with a supporting cast for Lebron James, and keeps the offensively deficient Mr. Potato Head Mike Brown employed as coach) are in charge of NBA franchises.


The last thing Dumars, in his eighth season at the helm, wants to do is make a trade that he'll later regret. 

Not as much as I regret reading, and responding to, Parker's tripe. Now we're talking serious regret.

Dumars, of course, wouldn't talk about potential deals and talks that he has had with other general managers around the league.

Because doing so is called "tampering." Dumars is not a moron, unlike certain functionally retarded columnists.

It's easier said than done. Just ask Dumars.

I don't have to, as you already have, right? It is your job, after all.

"This is not fantasy basketball, where you just wake up and make a blockbuster deal," said Dumars, whose biggest deal came at the trade deadline in 2004 when he acquired Rasheed Wallace from the Hawks. 

"We have a good team." 

Yes, you do. Maybe not NBA title contenders, but definitely a good team.

Too bad we can't say the same about the columnists in this city. Hacks, the lot of 'em. Led by, of course, Rob Parker.