Don't "pick on" Sheff: The worst columnist in America strikes again

I'm sorry. That's it. I can't contain myself anymore. I have to say it. The majority of the MSM are fucking morons.

They are lead by the densest media whore around, the functionally retarded Rob Parker. Why did I score through "functionally? Because I've just read one of the worst God damn columns ever. And what was the subject that has me so riled up?

Parker decided to defend Gary Sheffield.

Leave Gary Sheffield alone. It's kind of silly now to want to blame Sheffield for the disaster that is the Tigers' season.

Let me clue you in Parker, there is no defending Gary Sheffield. You can't do it, the 2 home runs hit last night regardless.

Sheffield decided to burn bridges in Detroit with his blaming everyone but himself when he bitched and moaned to an out of town writer about being a DH. A highly overpaid, unproductive, in the lineup every day, stuck in Detroit for another season thanks to an albatross of a contract, DH. Sheffield out and out said he doesn't want to be here.

Instead of leaving poor, misunderstood Sheffield alone, as the worst columnist in America suggests, I have a better suggestion. If Sheffield doesn't want to be in Detroit, then fucking retire. You'll hear cheer from all over Tigerdom. But he won't do it because he's getting paid $14 MILLION in 2009!

If Sheffield wants fans to take the bullshit he slings seriously, then back it up with actions. Don't go whining to an out of town fish wrap how bad you have it with the Tigers on one day, then happily cash the extremely large checks the team you don't want to play for unfortunately has to hand over to your .220 hitting, glass shouldered ass, the next.

So Parker says we shouldn't scapegoat Sheffield for this awful season.

You have got to be shitting me.

First off, I can boo, rag on and scapegoat whomever the Hell I want. Fans don't take kindly to being lectured as to who they should root for and who they shouldn't. We can make up our own minds, thank you very much.  I don't need a pea brained, so-called writer who spends more time in Bristol and New York than Detroit to tell me jack shit.

Sheffield is caught on film preparing to throw 
the Marlboro Man under the bus...

Sheffield is being booed is because he's hitting .220 and being paid $14 MILLION to do so. The reason he's being roasted by the fans is thanks to his throwing Jim Lelyand under the bus, the one person who has fully backed his .220 hitting ass all season, yet just had to bitch about playing time. Sheffield is so fucking clueless, well, he's as clueless as the dumb ass defending him in the Detroit News.

That's pretty damned clueless.

Then Parker has the GALL to say...

It's just easy to pick on Sheffield because he's outspoken and usually tells you what he's thinking when asked a question. 

It feels like Parker's thisclose to playing the race card, doesn't it?

It easy to pick on Sheffield not because he's an outspoken black man. It's his constantly sticking his foot in his mouth. There's always a size 13 Nike stuffed in Sheffield's rarely closed maw. How about thinking for 30 seconds before blurting out something so stupidly controversial you have to spend the next week explaining yourself?

By the way, did I say Sheffield's hitting .220?

Point Two Twenty.

Because that's the biggest reason he's being "picked on." Hit like Brandon Inge, you're going to catch your share of shit. If God himself spent the majority of the season batting in the number 3 hole, and hit .220, He'd be getting roasted too!

Then Parker writes something flabbergastingly stupid...

Coincidence or not, Sheffield was put on waivers Tuesday by the Tigers. Hopefully, the Tigers didn't do it for the words he spoke.

Huh? If Parker believes Sheffield was put on waivers because he said something the Tigers didn't like, then he's even more clueless than I thought, if that's even possible.

Sheffield was put on waivers because he's an always injured DH with a monster contract that has the Tigers financially hamstrung going into next year. I could also be due to the fact he's HITTING .220!

Hell, I'd bet the entire team was put on waivers just to see if there was a sucker team interested in making a deal. I can guarantee if you are over 30 and have a large contract, the Tigers placed you on waivers. It's not due to feelings being hurt because of some imaginary DH platoon.

I think I need to make up a T-Shirt for Tigers fans. It'll have "FREE GARY SHEFFIELD!" plastered across the front.




Myspace Tshirt Generator

Unfortunately, media types like Parker wouldn't get that it's supposed to be ironic...

It's no wonder the Detroit News is in such financial deep shit. They employ morons. 

The News' sooper geenus tells us what's on Joe Dumars' mind

It's tough coming up with material about the local teams. I should know, as I try to crank out something relatively entertaining every day, to various amounts of success.

But there's coming up with something funny/interesting/thoughtful, and there's just saying the Hell with it, and mailing it in.

Today, Rob Parker is "mailing it in." Not that I'm surprised.

 In his Detroit News "column," and as always in his case, the term is used loosely, Parker gives his take on Joe Dumars and his inaction in regard to the "big changes" he told everyone was coming. That's all well and good, but Parker gives us a level of analysis not even worthy of a Freep comment thread or an ESPN message board, let alone a major daily newspaper. (Can we even call the Detroit News "major?" They are in deep financial trouble and their circulation is plummeting faster than Barry Zito's career) But I digress...

Let's break down the latest by the consensus "Worst columnist in America."

Admit it. By now, you thought the Pistons would have had one, maybe even two, news conferences, announcing major trades and the addition of new players to shake up the still-winning-but-stale Pistons.

No Rob, I expected 5, maybe even 6 pressers.

OK, I will admit I thought the Pistons would have done more to improve the team than draft a narcoleptic power forward. I do agree the Pistons are as stale as week old Wonder Bread, despite what Tayshaun Prince believes.

Especially with all the buzz that was floating around the NBA after president Joe Dumars stated with authority that he was ready to make moves and that just about everybody was available.

Um...yeah. We already know that, Rob. Anyone who even casually follows the Pistons knows. It was above the fold news when it happened, when Dumars gave one of those "news conferences" you wrote about.


That's why the Carmelo Anthony rumors were out there instantly. Then there was the Baron Davis trade talk coming from the West Coast. Just recently came word that Tracy McGrady was interested in moving to Motown. 

None of those deals happened. 

Really? No shit, Sherlock.

These were nothing more than rumors manufactured by bored columnists and beat writers.  They were immediately shot down by your own paper's beat writer as wet dreams/flights of fancy. What's worse is these rumors continue to give you column fodder for weeks on end.

Instead, as the offseason continues to melt away, many are now wondering if anything will happen, especially when you talk about a blockbuster deal. 

But if you knew Dumars, really knew him, this shouldn't come as a surprise. Dumars isn't about making just any trade. He doesn't want a deal that simply changes faces.

Well, I don't really know Dumars, unlike Skip Bayless' punching bag claims he knows him. But I have to say...Duh!

The Pistons won 59 games last season. The team may be stale, and could use some fresh faces, but it's still damn good. As constructed, the Pistons remain contenders in the East. Change for the sake of change would be idiodic. Dumars himself has said as much. 

If Dumars, in fact, can't get a deal that he believes changes his team for the better, he'll stand pat. Believe it. That's why he's one of the best general managers. Not just in the NBA, but pro sports.

"I understand that it's not always easy to make a move and a lot of moving parts have to come together," Dumars said on Thursday. "You always have to have patience when you have the task of running a team." 

Again, Parker is beating a dead horse, as Dumars has already admitted he'll stand pat if the right deal doesn't materialize. But regurgitating it eats up a few column inches, so it's all good...

You don't need to tell me Dumars is one of the better GM's in pro sports, and not just because it's coming from the worst columnist in America. It's obvious to even the dullest of sports fans Joe Dumars is a better GM than 90% of his peers. Which isn't saying much when morons like Chris Wallace (The Grizzlies' GM  who "masterminded" the Pau Gasol trade) and Danny Ferry (who's been unable to come up with a supporting cast for Lebron James, and keeps the offensively deficient Mr. Potato Head Mike Brown employed as coach) are in charge of NBA franchises.


The last thing Dumars, in his eighth season at the helm, wants to do is make a trade that he'll later regret. 

Not as much as I regret reading, and responding to, Parker's tripe. Now we're talking serious regret.

Dumars, of course, wouldn't talk about potential deals and talks that he has had with other general managers around the league.

Because doing so is called "tampering." Dumars is not a moron, unlike certain functionally retarded columnists.

It's easier said than done. Just ask Dumars.

I don't have to, as you already have, right? It is your job, after all.

"This is not fantasy basketball, where you just wake up and make a blockbuster deal," said Dumars, whose biggest deal came at the trade deadline in 2004 when he acquired Rasheed Wallace from the Hawks. 

"We have a good team." 

Yes, you do. Maybe not NBA title contenders, but definitely a good team.

Too bad we can't say the same about the columnists in this city. Hacks, the lot of 'em. Led by, of course, Rob Parker.

Columnists say the darnedest things: Ozzie is the flavor of the day

If you read today's Detroit fish wraps, notice something eerily similar in their sports pages? The lead sports columnists for the Freep and News, Mitch Albom and Bob Wojinowski, essentially wrote the same column! Both decided to wax philosophic over the re-emergence of the Downriver puck bunnies favorite player ever, Chris Osgood.

From reading the columns over, it appears they shared notes. (and forgotten the beat writers have covered this territory quite well, especially when Osgood signed his contract extension. This is just the carpetbagging columnists jumping on the Wings bandwagon when more readers are paying attention to hockey.)

For example...

The Little Fella:

This is a guy who, during the lockout, began to reinvent himself, because he saw younger goalies with more efficient styles. So he worked and reworked and he taught his old dog new tricks, and he is arguably now at the highest level in his career.

Wojo:

No wasted energy, no wasted emotion, no wasted motion. This is the reinvented Osgood, who worked manically with a goaltender coach and refined his style during the 2005 lockout.

I'll admit, both columns are well written, but talk about different, yet the same. It's as if one cribbed from the other, just changing the words. They both diverge somewhat, (Albom, as is his wont, goes highbrow with a "Cinema Paradiso" reference, while Wojo goes more lowbrow for a "Brat Pack" call out) but both columns tread over the same, exact territory. In the end, they both wrote as sappy a column as one of Albom's diabetes causing novels.

Here's the Cliff's Notes version of both columns... (Get out your handkerchiefs!)

Even though Osgood won 2 cup rings during his first tenure, he left the Red Wings in semi-disgrace when Dominik Hasek was signed, spent 3 years in NHL exile, returned to Detroit an older and wiser goalie, then remade his game, leading up to he his having the best statistical season of his career, finally rescuing the Wings during the playoffs. The End.

I expect to see Oprah option this story for her next "uplifting" Albom TV movie.

Next time guys, check your calenders so you don't write the same damn story about the same damn subject on the same damn day.

The worst columnist in America, Rob Parker, continues to amaze with his lack of baseball knowledge. To fix something that really doesn't need fixing, Wobb advocates the Tigers signing...you know who it's gonna be...Barry Bonds.

I'm not going to bother quoting much from the column, as it's worthless. The following 2 lines sum up why Parker thinks the Tigers need to PANIC and sign the large headed one.

They desperately need a left-handed bat in their inconsistent lineup, which has been shut out five times in the first 34 games. Last season, the Tigers were blanked three times.

Over at Mack Avenue Tigers, Kurt takes down Parker in detail, so I'll just say this...

On a team which has 4 players who should play in the field as little as possible (Sheffield, Ordonez, Guillen, Thames), and are much better suited as DH’s (either now, or in the very near future), adding another DH makes zero sense. Less than zero, actually. Even if the DH is a left handed hitter named Barry Bonds.

Despite their struggles, the offense has not been the biggest problem. Not by a long shot. As I said the other day, it's the STARTING PITCHING. Unless Barry Bonds has a decent breaking ball, and can go 7 innings into games from the mound every 5th day, the Tigers don't need him.

The Tigers are quite aware of their need for a left handed bat. That's why Matt Joyce was brought up from Toledo. Sure, he's no Bonds, but the Tigers don't need Bonds. They needed a left handed bat who could also play the outfield. Bonds may be a lot of things, but an outfielder? In the national park sized outfield that's Comerica Park? I don't think so.

Then again, this is coming from Rob Parker, so making sense isn’t expected. From the nature of Parker's opinions, I doubt sense is even encouraged.

By the way, in regard to saying the same thing in different columns, Parker somehow manages to crib from himself. From the always goofy and nonsensical "Foul or Fair" bit with Tom Gage...

They are 0-17 when they've scored four runs or fewer. They've been shut out five times their first 34 games. Last year, they were shut out only three times.

Dude, we get it! No need to tell us twice...

Above the fold - Columnists say the darnedest things

After taking a couple of days away from the daily link dump, and my wordy commentary, "Above the Fold" reappears just in time for my Friday feature, "Columnists say the darnedest things."

Lets start at the Freep and Michael Rosenberg, who takes Tayshaun Prince to task, asking, "Where's the D?"

In the last few minutes, Bryant hit a jumper over Prince; nailed a three-pointer over Prince; lost Prince with his dribble and shot a pull-up jumper (which missed); and weaved through the defense, forcing at least 17 Pistons to collapse on him, which allowed Bryant to pass to a wide-open Ronny Turiaf under the basket.

Ultimately, none of this mattered, mostly because of Prince's offense. Once again: Prince was the hero.

But one of the Pistons' problems the last few years was that they let their regular-season success fool them into thinking they were flawless. The fact is that when the Pistons made back-to-back NBA Finals, Prince was a better defensive player than he is now.

I honestly think Prince's defense has always been somewhat overrated. For every play like the amazing Reggie Miller block, there's more games where Prince is just another guy defensively. He's not big enough to muscle players around, and he doesn't play dirty like another player noted for his defense, Bruce Bowen. Prince gets by defense thanks to his freakish length.

There's also the fact that Prince is a more active player on offense. When he was developing that rep for D, Prince was the 4th offensive option. As shown by his game winning trey last night, that's no longer the case.

But you know what the biggest reason why Prince is no longer, if he ever was, an elite defender? He doesn't have Ben Wallace behind him patrolling the paint. In his prime, the Pistons' perimeter defenders could afford to overplay on defense, knowing that Wallace was behind them to clean up after their mistakes. Rosenberg should have taken the Wallace actor into account, as he made every Piston on the floor better defensively.

Prince is what he is, a good all-around player. Asking him to be the stopper against such All-World offensive forces of nature as Kobe Bryant and LeBron James is a bit much to ask.

The Little Fella has taken a break from writing Oprah approved tear-jerkers, and is in Arizona for the Super Bowl. He goes for the local angle, and asks Tom Brady, Did Lloyd dick you over? "How did we miss you?"

And we did miss him. Oh, some wrote more than others. Some who cover Michigan on a regular basis dealt with Brady the way they deal with any Michigan quarterback.

But no one -- no one -- saw THIS GUY coming. No one saw the future of the NFL. No one saw a rock star/playboy superstar. No one saw a man who would have three Super Bowl rings before his 30th birthday and who might, before he's done, be considered the greatest quarterback ever to play the game. No one saw that when he wore No. 10 for the Wolverines.

It was like being handed the first iPod and saying, "Eh ... not interested."

Tom Brady = iPod? A great QB = Overrated piece of proprietary electronics? (I HATE iTunes) Whatever, Mitch.

Though this column was mostly a Brady fluff piece, he's right in that no one expected Brady to turn into Tom Terrific. That he made it to the NFL shouldn't be a surprise, considering Michigan's ability to churn out solid pro QB's. (I'm sure Chad Henne will the latest in that lineage.)

It's not as if Brady's Michigan career was chopped liver. His senior season was damn good. Once Lloyd Carr gave up on the asinine platoon with Drew Henson, the Wolverines became one of the best teams in the country. Brady was nothing less than great in the Orange Bowl victory over Alabama, and he just took off from there.

Brady just happens to be one of those players whose talents were tailor made for the pro game, and blossomed in the NFL. It helps that he landed on the right team, in the right system, playing for the right coach. Sometimes it's all about timing. Would Brady have turned into one of the best NFL QB's of all time if he had been drafted by the Lions? Yeah, right...

At the Oakland Press, Pat Caputo continues his Friday string of writing about niche sports that less than 1% of the Metro Detroit population actually care about. Today, it's the Oakland University swim team! Which means the only people who care are the parents of the swim team members. Way to generate readership, Caputo!

Nothing to see here, let's move on.

Unfortunately, the Detroit News allows the worst columnist in America to ruin our day with a "column" that is just a collection of quotes, rather than a piece that actually required cognitive thought. The premise? Some fans really like Kobe, and some don't! To pull out that hairy old chestnut, no shit, Sherlock!

Ali Hashem, 22, from Dearborn Heights was asked if he was a Lakers' fan. He quickly interrupted. "I'm a Kobe fan, I'm a Kobe fan," said Hashem, wearing a Kobe jersey. "If Kobe got traded to the Bobcats, I would be wearing a Bobcats jersey with his name on it. He's the best."

The hero worshiping thoughts of a kid who's too clueless to look deeper into Bryant? Wonderful journalism, don't you think? The rest of the column continues in that fashion, mostly with Flip Saunders quotes.

"Kobe is the biggest star," Pistons coach Flip Saunders said. "He's the most dynamic player."

Parker sure draws out some controversial quotes, huh? Flip's thoughts are as deep as a West Virgina fan's gene pool. Then Parker throws in in own "deep thoughts."

His fans certainly reacted when Kobe nailed back-to-back 3-pointers to cap a 12-0 run and give the Lakers a 62-58 lead with 4:18 left in the third.

The Pistons had to be scared, to say the least. It looked like Kobe might have a night his fans would remember.

Except it wasn't. Moving on from this tripe...

With it being Super Bowl week, the News breaks Jerry Green out of mothballs so he can continue his meaningless streak of covering every Super Bowl. If the assignment keeps him from writing about dead guys, then sending Green to Arizona is fine by me.

Today, Green writes a puff piece about Giants coach Tom Coughlin, and compares him to...Damn it, I spoke too soon...Weeb Eubank? I knew it, Green gets in a dead guy!

Maybe this chronic cynic is daft, but I see a similarity between Coughlin and Weeb Ewbank at Super Bowl III. Weeb, back then, was loose and unperturbed. He kowtowed to Joe Namath and his Jets were 18-point underdogs. Ewbank had Namath and his historic guarantee for victory. And Coughlin, with his Giants steep underdogs to the Patriots, has Burress and his now-famous upset prediction.

Does it seem as if every Super Bowl column Green writes, he mentions something about Super Bowl III, and how he was witness to Joe Namath's guarantee? We know, Jerry, we know...

In their weekly "Behind the scenes" column, Mike O'Hara and Vartan Kupelian write about such barely covered subjects as Phil Mickelson's predilection to bet, Super Bowl prop bets, and Tiger Woods getting pretty good odds on winning a Grand Slam... Just as Green can't help but write about dead guys, Kupelian has to squeeze golf into every "Behind the scenes" column.

Woods was asked in Dubai if he thinks 16-to-1 is a good bet.

"I don't know," Woods said. "It's about playing well at the right times. It's about getting lucky, actually. You have to have everything go your way. You can play well and still not have it happen."

"The only thing I can control is my own play, and hopefully I can have it peak at the right time, four times this year and hopefully it will be good enough."

Wow, Tiger thinks if he plays well, he has a chance?! Well, no shit!

Tiger Woods is the master of the inoffensive quote. When Woods talks, he doesn't really say anything at all. But it being Tiger, they find his generic mutterings to be column material. It's as column worthy as Parker's talking to Kobe fans...

That's "Above the Fold" for Friday, 2-1-08!

Who's the biggest idiot in Detroit? It's neck and neck between Rob Parker and Drew Sharp

We have proof that Rob Parker has no idea what he's talking about. I've called him "Functionally retarded" for a reason. Just read this, this, and this if you need convincing.

In fact, I thought Wobb stood alone in his ineptitude as a Detroit columnist.

Then TWFE reader Jon D pointed out Drew Sharp's ill-thought out, ill-informed, and ill-everything column in this morning's Freep. The premise behind Sharp's lunacy?

Trade Jeremy Bonderman for...wait for it...Johan Santana!

If winning the World Series remains the Tigers’ prime objective next year, they can’t sit idly by and let Boston or the Yankees pluck two-time Cy Young Award winner Johan Santana from Minnesota.

While the Red Sox and Yankees offer the Twins a package of primary prospects, the Tigers should dangle Jeremy Bonderman along with some lower minor league prospects. It would ensure them the best one-two lefty-righty starting duo in the American League with Santana and Justin Verlander.

OK, the Tigers should trade Jeremy Bonderman for Johan Santana. It could happen. In another dimension, where black is white, up is down, good is bad, and insane is sane.

The Twins would NEVER trade arguably the best pitcher in all of baseball to a division rival. Never, ever gonna happen. That would be sheer lunacy on the Twins part.

A breakdown in starting pitching cost the Tigers more last season than an injury-riddled bullpen or Gary Sheffield’s bad shoulder. There’s no questioning that Verlander’s inconsistency late in the season is more likely an aberration, but it’s not a certainty that Bonderman can overcome the obstacles that rendered him a hostage to first-inning difficulties.

This passage is quite Parker-like, in that Sharp makes a definitive statement, with nothing to actually back it up.

We all know that the reason the Tigers faded down the stretch was due to their pitching issues, mostly brought on by injury. Interestingly, Sharp also claims Justin Verlander was was inconsistent late in the season, but has no stats to back it up. So let's look 'em up, shall we?

Justin Verlander was 7-2 in 11 starts during August and September. The team was 8-3 over those 11 starts. His era as of 8/6/07? 3.60. His ERA after his last start on 9/29/07? 3.66.

Was Verlander as dominant as he was during the first half? No, it was obvious that he tired some, but as you can see, he pitched through it. I'll take that sort of "Inconsistency" from a pitcher anytime.

As for Bonderman's being "Hostage to first-inning difficulties?" We found out that Bonderman was pitching through a SORE ELBOW from July on, an injury that he didn't tell anyone about. That could explain plenty in regard to the first inning struggles.

Remember, the first inning stuff wasn't really an issue in the season's first half, when Bonderman almost made the All-Star game. In fact, Bonderman was dominant. It wasn't one until the elbow injury.

He has got the lightning stuff, but there remain concerns regarding his mental toughness. The Twins might show more interest in a 24-year-old with five years of major league experience who’s already under contract for another four years at a reasonable price.

Wait a second. Sure, the Twins are unquestionably cheap, and would like the fact that Bonderman's under contract for quite some time. But why would the Twins want damaged goods for an elite arm? Bonderman's a head case, if you believe Sharp, and even worse, he's coming off of an elbow injury that made him ineffective for the entirety of the season's second half.

If I'm the Twins, I'm walking away from that scenario. Fast!

They’ve already purged enough prospects from the farm system in landing shortstop Edgar Renteria and it would be idiocy parting with Cameron Maybin and/or Rick Porcello in any package for the 28-year-old Santana. It will require a little more outside-the-box thinking to get the better of the Yankees and Red Sox in their annual exercise of looting the less financially fortunate.

Sharp admits the idiocy in parting with Maybin and/or Porcello. It's also idiocy to think you can actually trade Porcello. He signed with Detroit on August 13th. Under MLB rules, you can't trade a minor league prospect in the first 6 months after he signs. If he was unofficially part of a deal, Porcello would have to be a PTBNL, much like Bonderman was in the Jeff Weaver trade.

Considering the elite status of Santana, I doubt the Twins fanbase is going to be happy with a PTBNL as the cornerstone of any trade. Even though Porcello is a prime time prospect, he's 2-3 years, possibly more, away. The Twins want prospects that can help much sooner than that, like next season. The prospects being talked about in deals with either the Yankees or Red Sox confirm that thought.

The Tigers just don't have the ammo to go after a Santana, even if it was plausible.

Sharp says it'll take outside-the-box thinking to make a deal. It's that sort of outside-the-box thinking that give us this tripe disguised as a column.

Bonderman for Santana is the sort of trade that only happens in the clueless brains of hack columnists, or out of touch, rose colored glasses wearing fans. At least those clueless fans aren't being paid good money to write a feature column for a fishwrap, appear regularly on the worldwide leader, and spew inanities on local sports talk radio.

Sharp, on the other hand...

I've just read the worst baseball column ever...

Want to know why the MSM gets mocked, reamed, and laughed at on a regular basis? Because of lazy, under researched, knee-jerk, and outright idiotic columns such as today's Kevin Hench Fox Sports column.

In an article titled "These players choked down the stretch," Hench's number 1 and 2 were Gary Sheffield and Jeremy Bonderman. I'm warning you now, you''ll feel your IQ dropping precipitously just reading this piece of bandwidth wasting tripe...

Gary Sheffield, Tigers

For the first four months of the season Sheffield was making the Yankees regret trading him. In August and September he's made the decision look pretty shrewd. On Aug.10 he was hitting .291 with 24 home runs and had the Tigers in the thick of the pennant chase. Since then he's sandwiched two punchless stretches around a trip to the DL. In his last 88 at bats, he's hitting only .159 with one home run as Detroit has faded badly. His slugging percentage over that six-week stench, er, stretch is a meager .205. That's an awfully big chasm to have in the 3-hole in a pennant race.

Jeremy Bonderman, Tigers

He wasn't around for the final twitches of the death rattle, having succumbed to a sore elbow. But perhaps no Tiger — even Sheffield — is as much to blame for the almost incomprehensible stretch fade of the defending AL champs as Bonderman. Following a July 19 no-decision, he was 10-1 with a 3.54 ERA. After that — Tiger fans avert your eyes or grab a bucket — he was 1-8 with an 8.23 ERA

Has Hench even looked into why Sheffield and Bonderman had awful second halves? It's would have taken him a 30 second Google search to find out why. I guess the use of facts to back up your opinion is lost on this "Columnist." (Term used only because Fox calls him as such)

If Hench had done that 30 second Google search, he would have learned that Sheffield is playing through a shoulder injury severe enough that it will require either surgery, or months of rehab? That Bonderman had been trying to pitch through an elbow injury, an injury that he didn't tell anyone on the Tigers about because he knew it was severe enough to have him removed from the rotation?

In what world does "Injury = Choking?" Only in the short bus riding world of Kevin Hench.

I'm guessing that Hench knows that Sheffield and Bonderman are hurt. I have a good idea as to why Hench didn't mention the injuries. Because it wouldn't have allowed him to use them as part of his column's flawed premise.

So what do you do if facts don't allow you to make your argument credible? You "Rob Parker" your column. "

To "Parker" a column is to do the following: "Stats or factual events won't back up your POV? Then either ignore them, or use small sample sizes, problem solved."

This was a textbook example of "Parkering." Hench did Parker proud with this utter waste of a column.

I can't say enough what an outright piece of tripe Hench wrote. Hackery at it's lowest...

Rob Parker alert: Lloyd Carr is done after this season...Well, he kinda sorta maybe could retire

I had the TV on in the background, but really wasn't paying all that much attention to WDIV's "Sports Final Edition," as SFE give Rob Parker way too much airtime. I don't need any Parker in my life at 11:45 pm.

But then his rumor mongering bit, "Clubhouse Confidential" came on.

Despite doing my best to ignore Wobb, I thought heard him mention "Lloyd Carr," "Retirement" and "This season." That immediately got my attention, so I rewound the soundbite on the DVR. These were his exact words...

"My moles are telling me that this is it! This will be Lloyd Carr's last year if everything goes right." And you know we've heard some grumblings in the past, maybe he might hang it up, this and that, but my moles in Ann Arbor say this could be the year."

That's his big news? I got all wound up for that?

I just love how he gives himself a pair of outs in regard to Lloyd leaving, using terms like "If everything goes right," and "This could be the year."

"Maybe he might?" Much as 2 negatives make a positive, do 2 maybes make a definite?

The possible retirement of Carr is far from being confidential, and in fact, pretty much common knowledge. It's been rumored for a few years now that Lloyd would leave when Chad Henne and Mike Hart graduate.

Ask a guy on the streets of A2, and they'd say that Carr's retirement is pretty much a season or 2 away, at best. They probably have the same "Moles" as Wobb.

If everything aligns, and the Wolverines have the sort of season most expect them to (Top 10 ranking, BCS bowl appearance, in the Mythical National Championship hunt), to say that Lloyd was very likely to walk is far from earth shattering. It's definitely not news.

Parker may just as well have said that Bo Schembechler is still dead. It'd be just as much of a scoop as saying that Lloyd might leave.

The Little Fella is everywhere, even your local cineplex

I ran across this bit of horrifying "Entertainment" news...

Bestselling author Mitch Albom has sold his very first script to Columbia Pictures and Happy Madison Productions. According to Variety, the untitled film is being set up as a starring project for Adam Sandler.

Braindead meets pompous. Lowest common denominator humor meets lowest common denominator sap. Consider yourselves warned.

This couldn't be any worse than the abomination that was Sandler's "The Longest Yard," could it? Sandler took one of the top 5 sports movies of all time, and...I don't want to think about it.

Not that all Sandler flicks are bad. "Happy Gilmore" was an entertaining movie. But when he gets all sentimental, you end up with sappy crap like "Mr. Deeds," "Little Nicky" and "Big Daddy." Now imagine those films with the heavy-handed sentimentality of the Little Fella. Lord help us all.

Unfortunately, the Sandler/Little Fella combination will probably gross 150 million dollars, which will mean ever more Little Fella scribed feature films.

Just kill me now.

Attention viewers of Cold Pizza, and 1st & 10! Rob Parker alert! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

I'm giving advance notice to the viewers of the worldwide leader's Cold Pizza and 1st & 10. Consider yourselves at DEFCON 1!

Last night on WDIV TV's weekend wrap up show, Sports Final Edition, there was announcement that chilled viewers to the bone. The consensus worst columnist in America, Rob Parker, let it be known that he had been asked to return to Cold Pizza, and will be polluting your screens this coming Thursday and Friday.

If you missed Parker's previous week long stay on Cold Pizza, consider yourself damn lucky. If you are curious as to why the urgent warning, let me direct you to this post for the full Parker primer.

Please, for all that is good and holy, take this warning with utmost seriousness. If you value such things as common sense, lucidity, and actual sports knowledge, you'll avoid the deuce like the plague.

Remember, forewarned is forearmed...

"The Worst Columnist in America" continues to live up to his title...

As much as I try to avoid reading anything associated with "Rob Parker, Sooper Geenus," I just had to read his last two Detroit News columns about Michigan Wolverines basketball. They were jaw droppingly inane, and written with an obvious agenda. They also left me with a question for the consensus "Worst columnist in America."

Why the sudden outpouring of love for Tommy Amaker and the University of Michigan basketball program?

It's a misunderstood love for an underachieving program, one that is nothing more than mediocre. It's a program that become totally irrelevant to the media, the student body and Michigan fans in general. It's impossible to defend Amaker's results as a head coach, but Lord, does Parker try...

Monday, Wobb openly campaigned for Amaker to keep his job at Michigan. In fact, he claims that Michigan would have reached the NCAA's a couple of times by now, if not for one thing. What is that one thing? All of you who answered with either "Tommy Amaker" or "Late season collapses" are correct, but not according to Wobb...

Over the last few years, it appeared as if Michigan was headed for the primetime postseason play a couple of times.

But major injuries derailed everything and set the program back again.

INJURIES? In fact, he actually has the nerve to use that excuse several times in his column ode to Amaker.

Amaker, who took Seton Hall to the NCAA Tournament in 2000, probably would have made the tournament twice by now if injuries didn't undo his team two years in a row.

Don't insult the intelligence of the few readers you have left. Could you ever see Tom Izzo using injuries as an excuse? Or Amaker's compatriot at Michigan, Lloyd Carr? It's a lame excuse, considering that all teams have to deal with injuries.

There's plenty of reasons the Wolverines have never made the NCAA's during the Amaker era. To blame injuries is to ignore what every basketball fan on the planet can see. That Michigan isn't all that good, and is exposed for what they are when they actually have to play legitimate D-1 teams.

Come on now, Wobb. That's not only redundant, lazy writing, but also ignoring what is obvious to the naked eye. That Michigan's 16-3 start to the '05-'06 season was fraudulent, thanks to scheduling practices that would embarrass a community college.

Last season, Michigan's senior-laden team failed to qualify for the NCAA Tournament despite starting the season 16-3. Just like the previous season, injuries derailed everything.

Bringing up Michigan's out of conference scheduling practice of playing small time directional schools, community colleges, and intramural squads would derail his "Keep Amaker" directive. So Wobb just ignores it. Notice he used "Injuries" a third time, just in case we missed the previous two?

Wobb also brings up that hoary old chestnut, Amaker's supposed recruiting acumen.

The best thing about Amaker is that he's a heck of a recruiter, landing the likes of Daniel Horton and DeShawn Sims. "

That's almost as clueless a statement as George Bush saying "You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie." Amaker's recruiting classes have never ever lived up to the hype. He's a middle of the road recruiter, at best.

For that matter, the kids he does get, don't improve during their careers. Good Lord, Daniel Horton is example #1 for those that say players don't live up to their potential under Amaker. Sims was a heralded recruit who hasn't yet lived up to his accolades. The results speak for themselves...

You would think that one column ode to Amaker would be enough. You thought wrong... Wobb returned today with yet another fluff job about Amaker and Wolverines hoop.

But Michigan did what it needed to -- it won, 68-58. If Michigan (22-12) had done that against Iowa and Ohio State in Ann Arbor, it would be seen as a program on the rise instead of off the college basketball map.

There's all kinds of disinformation in that paragraph. It's just one big "What if." When it comes to Amaker, Wobb believes in the old adage, "If if's and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas."

It's silly to even bring up those painful losses to Iowa and tOSU. They both were textbook examples Wolverines basketball, a true microcosm of the Amaker era. Play well at the beginning, fade badly at the end, then be at a loss as to why it happened...

Michigan would have been a program on the rise? Get real. This was a senior lead team, a team that had been building up to this season. This was the year for their big run at the NCAA's. Next season's Michigan team is guaranteed to be a rebuilding one, and will take several steps back. That would have been true even if they made the big boy's tournament.

The NIT game played at Crisler had a little over 3K in attendance. That's if you include media, the players, and concession workers. It should embarrass the Michigan powers that be to have a nationally televised home game that couldn't draw flies, let alone fans.

It's not a good sign when a revenue producing sport isn't bringing in any revenue. Parker twisted the low attendance into a compliment of sorts, calling the crowd, "rather small, but loud." You might just as well say that, as a coach, Tommy Amaker is "rather awful, but dresses nice." Makes just as much sense.

As much sense as the following...

Winning is never a bad thing -- even if it's just the NIT. Michigan won the NIT in 2004 and made the final last season.

I agree in that winning the '04 NIT was a good for a struggling program, and a then young team. But when it's become the one and only highlight of the Amaker era, bringing up your accomplishments in the Not Invited Tournament just throw more light on not playing in the only tournament players and fans alike care about. A 3 seed in the NIT is a hollow accomplishment for a senior dominated team.

I'm not sure why Parker has taken the point position in defending Amaker. I could guess, but I do NOT want to go there. I'll just take these columns odes to Amaker with a grain of salt, and write them off as the rantings of a functionally retarded contrarian.