Friday, February 08, 2008

Above the fold - Columnists say the darnedest things

It's Friday, and you know what that means?

It's the end of the week? Well, DUH. But that's not the answer I was looking for, people. Lost is on? Uh, that was last night, dude. You missed a kick ass episode. The latest Matthew McConaughey flick hits the the theaters? Who the Hell cares? The last flick of the naked bongo player's I enjoyed was "Dazed and Confused." He's never been better than playing Wooderson...

"All right, all right, all right."

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

"Let me tell you this, the older you do get the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin' man, L-I-V-I-N."

That's DEEP stuff, man... But I digress.

It's Friday, which means we take a tour of the local fishwraps, and see what Detroit's best and brightest asinine and clueless columnists have to say.

Let's start at the News, so we can get it over with. "It" being the latest tripe spewed from the worst columnist in America. The functionally retarded Rob Parker, who makes the mentally challenged Skip Bayless look like a MENSA member during their painful exchanges on the 4 Letter, writes about the most pressing issue in Detroit sports today!

Say goodbye to Swin Cash.

Cash, a Detroit Shock forward for six seasons, will be traded within the next two weeks.

OH MY GOD! I can't believe it! This news is horrib...Uh, wait a second. This column is about who? Swin Cash? Of that basketball team that is deep in their off season? The team no one watches or cares about? In that league the NBA tries to force feed down our throats every summer?

The trade is inevitable because of a feud between Cash and Shock coach Bill Laimbeer. The two just didn't see eye-to-eye the last couple of seasons.

I guess it is. Well then. No one gives a shit, Parker. Literally no one. Even you should know that...

Now, Cash will play elsewhere.

And Parker should write elsewhere. Anywhere. Actually, nowhere would be best for all concerned. Let's wash our hands of this waste of newsprint, and quickly move on.

It appears Lynn Henning has gotten over his Brandon Inge hissy fit of a couple of weeks ago, as he chimes in today with a column about Inge, and where he would be best used. Unfortunately, Henning rehashes ideas that the Tigers blogosphere brought up...2 weeks ago.

The Tigers will want Inge to return as their starting catcher, given that Pudge Rodriguez is almost certainly into his final season in Detroit. Inge will continue to want to play third base -- here, anywhere.

Will there be a market for him? Probably not, unless Inge hits up a storm in 2008 as a super-sub, which figures to be his role.

Sure as shit, this is old news.

After telling us nothing new about Inge, Henning also conjures up numbers for a possible Miguel Cabrera long-term contract.

The thought advanced here is that they will probably talk about a deal somewhere in the vicinity of five years for $100 million or six years for $125 million. They will argue, as they did successfully in the case of Curtis Granderson and his renewal, that free agency can still be an option for Cabrera at a young age, say 30 or 31.

Nothing ground shaking here either. For quite some time it's been damn obvious any Cabrera deal is going to start in the $20 million per season range. Henning is just wasting our time...Again.

In the Freep, Michael Rosenberg delves into a subject few have been talking about...Rich Rodriguez and Terrelle Pryor. At least Rosenberg is honest about the
Pryor fatigue we are all feeling...

As Terrelle Pryor waits to --

No! PLEASE tell me you're not writing about Terrelle Pryor! If I read one more word about this kid I'm going to de-commit from the planet.

If he doesn't move on from this over-covered subject, I'm de-committing from this column!

Anyway, this is not about West Virginia v. Rodriguez.

Thank fucking GOD!

This is about a theory that many of the e-mailers espouse: the Pat White Theory.

OK, I'm still reading...

I find the Pat White Theory interesting for two reasons. First of all, I don't buy the conclusion. It's one thing to rip a coach for losing with a great player, quite another to rip him for winning with a great player.

This reminds me of the people who say Lloyd Carr never would have won the national championship without Charles Woodson. So what? He had him.

Actually, I think many feel that Michigan, and Woodson, won the national title in spite of Lloyd's unimaginative coaching. But that's not what this column is about...Let's see where Rosenberg is going, shall we?

Rodriguez seems smart enough to adapt if he doesn't get Pryor. As he says, he likes to win too much to not adapt. If Rodriguez does not land Terrelle Pryor, he can plug in one of his other quarterbacks, or maybe shift running back Carlos Brown to quarterback, and have some success.

But to produce the kind of offense he wants, the kind Michigan hired him for, Rodriguez needs that special athlete at quarterback. Rich Rodriguez doesn't need Pat White. He needs the next Pat White.

That would be nice, but unless lightening strikes with Pryor, Michigan is not getting their system QB this year. What Rosenberg forgets to mention is Rodriguez has run a version of the spread with a QB who wasn't near as mobile as White. Shaun King threw for a ton of yards at Tulane while RichRod was the offensive coordinator.

Rather than the run first WVU offense, I'm guessing we'll see some sort of hybrid spread, alternating dropback QB Steven Threat and whatever run first QB stands out, much in the way Urban Meyer did with Chris Leak and Tim Tebow in his first season at Florida.

At this point, I don't really care. I'm just praying for Pryor to just make his damn decision already, so we can all move on!

In a column I won't pick apart or make fun of, The Oakland Press' Pat Caputo touches on the sad, pitiful tale of former Tiger broadcaster Lary Sorneson. He doesn't say much of his recent arrest, getting popped for his 7th DUI, while blowing a .48 BAC (They're both jaw dropping numbers). Instead, Caputo writes of past experiences with Sorenson while both were covering the Tigers. He doesn't pillory him, or cast blame, he just feels sorry for Sorenson's sickness and nearly hopeless situation.

Look at this guy. A former major league player. Had a much-coveted broadcasting job. By all accounts, his family life was good - except for his drinking. And now he's left with nothing but press clippings of shame.

I know there are people who don't - and won't - feel sorry for Lary. I don't blame them. Many people - way too many - have lost loved ones because of drunken drivers. It's one of the great curses on society.

What else is there to say? Sorenson needs to be kept off the roads, as it's clear he's a vehicular homicide waiting to happen. Honestly, I'm surprised he hasn't killed someone, or been killed. Considering he's a habitual offender, do you lock him up, and throw away the key? Or do you try to get him the help he so desperately needs, as he's not a menace when sober. Sorenson needs the sort of treatment he probably won't get in a state prison. That's for the courts to decide.

It's an awful, ugly, sorry story all the way around. A story I doubt will have a happy ending.

That's "Above the Fold" for Friday, 2-8-08!


  1. I couldn't believe what I read: SIX times above the legal limit for DUA? Good grief! I agree -- how has this guy not harmed anyone on the road? I hate to say it, but Sorensen needs to be sent away for a VERY long time. It may be the only way to ensure that he doesn't drive anymore -- or drink.

  2. I read an almost lucid Rob Parker column the other day. I can't remember what it was about, but it seemed lucid. On the other hand I had a really bad head cold at the time and almost bid on the Food Channel Sandwich Job by Paula Deen and the Barefoot Contessa, instead of the Giada Di Laurentis--Sandra Lee offer. I wonder what Wob was writing about.