Thursday, July 27, 2006

Inside Millen's brain: My preseason to-do list

A. We need Mike Williams to get down to his left tackle playing weight of 310 pounds, 275 if he's going to play at tight end, 260 if at fullback. Factor his anticipated fines into the front office budget. That $400K Big Mike paid in fines sure came in handy for last season's New Years Eve party. I was able to upgrade the wine list from Champale to Asti Spumanti.

B. Keep Charles Rogers off of the chronic, crank, speed, spray paint, Cristal, oxy, meth, moonshine, horse, whippits, and Benadryl. Find an advisor for him, I've heard good things about Dmitri Young.

F. Find a way to keep Ernie Sims' IQ from dropping 5 points with every hit to the head. Call the Buffalo Bills to ask if I can buy Mark Kelso's Gazoo helmet. Gazoo! Hee!

6. Find out if it's true what Ned Flanders Peter Popoff Jimmy Swaggart Pat Robertson Jon Kitna told me when I signed him, that he can guarantee a playoff spot through the power of prayer. Convert to fundamental Christianity, wear a yarmulke, and learn how to speak in tongues, if needed. Also ask Kitna where I can get one of those baseball caps with the cross on them, they are so COOL! Kitna must be a fan of Christopher Cross too! Saaaaailing, sailing awaaaay...

!1!. Make nice with Saban and call the Dolphins about the availability of Joey Harrington, offer a 2007 1nd round pick. I miss him so...

6. Call the Detroit Tigers and ask about the availability of Marcus Thames, offer a 2007 1rd round pick. I loved that body block Thames put on that Chink 2nd baseman! That's MILLENBALL!

#. Ask Jeff Backus about his agent, the one that got him 16 million guaranteed. I'd like him to represent me in my next contract talks with W.C. and Billy Jr.

69. Hop on the "Scottie Vines for the Pro Bowl" bandwagon.

XL. Resign David Kircus, Bill Schroeder, Germane Crowell, Brian Stablein, and Troy Edwards, because you can NEVER have too many wide recievers. But don't resign Scotty Anderson, cause he still hasn't found his testicles. Same goes for Johnny Morton, cause he's a fag!

Moo. Touch base with Ozzie Guillen, ask if he's available for public relations work after BASEketball seson ends.

MKVII. Talk to that crazy ass mofo Martz about taking over the team when I fire Sgt. Marinelli. Remind Martz of the deal when I hired him, that he's to twist that knife in the seargents back, through the media, after the 3nd loss. That's on the QT, the hush hush, by the way. Shhhhhhh!

O. Learn how to block caller ID. Make a daily crank call to Mooch. Ask him if his refrigerator is running. Hee!

10. Make space on the mantle for the Vince McMahon Trophy, cause we're winning the SUPER BOWL!


  1. I haven't laughed that hard in a while, great stuff Big Al!

    My favorite:
    Also ask Kitna where I can get one of those baseball caps with the cross on them, they are so COOL! Kitna must be a fan of Christopher Cross too! Saaaaailing, sailing awaaaay...

  2. Listen, this is getting a little old, okay? I used to be the beat writer for the Oakland Press, so I know what's going on, okay? I'm serious, okay?

  3. The Vince McMahon trophy. Beer shot out my nose and it hurts and I laugh. Good work, Large Al!


  4. "Caputo"7/28/2006 9:02 AM

    Hey 'caputo,' you don't start out with a bad imitation of me on this blog here, okay?

    And I don't even say "okay?" that much, okay?

    You're trying to make me look like a fool, like a jackass here on Big Al's blog, and I'm not gonna stand for it, my friend.

    I'm not gonna let up on Matt Millen. He's kept his job, sucking up to Mr. Ford, when he should be looking in the mirror, instead of throwing Steve Mariucci under the bus!

    And Big Al, he's done an exceptional job getting inside this guy's head, something I haven't even been able to do, and I covered this team, okay?

    So stop making fun of me! It hurts my feelings! And I'm a sensitive guy, man.

  5. Hilarious stuff Big Al! I love the numbering system, I really think that Millen might think like that. Keep this stuff coming.

  6. Great stuff. Being in Chicago it's nice to know there are a few other cities with enormous goofs running things. Just how is it he still has his gig anyway?