Thursday, February 23, 2006

Figure skating rules of engagement

What's the hottest sports topic on the face of the planet?

The NBA? Other than the outright fixing of the slam dunk pseudo-competition and continuing insanity of Isiah Thomas, there hasn't been much buzz. MLB? Ozzie Guillen is talking out his ass again, but when is that news? It's expected. Hockey? Both North American teams were uncerimoniously dismissed from the Olympic tournament, so other than that the occasional screams of anguish coming from across the border, there's not much else to say.

We are still a few weeks away from college hoop kicking things up a notch. Don't worry, "The Worldwide Leader in Shiat Sports" will be sure to remind you when the confrence tournaments start. As for the NFL? If you like watching sweaty men endevoring (Sorry, Ian) to impress NFL scouts at the combine, it's your time to shine. Otherwise, we are wading knee deep in the Mel Kiper mock draft speculation...

What is scorching hot is the faux sport that keeps the Olympics neck deep in bribe money, women's figure skating.

Unfortunatly, it's impossible to avoid all the skating hype. It's lead story, front page, above the fold news. Damn near the entire planet will be watching chicks skate tonight. So as a sports blogger, with very little to discuss locally, what does one do? You do want to be on the cutting edge of what's hot. And figure skating is on fire. En feugo, so to speak.

Ian, over at his mothership, is in midst of a male crisis. He's been enjoying Sasha, Irina, Emily, Kimmie, Shizuka, and all the female drama that is inherent when you have an arena full of skating divas, and their fawning minions. Now he's rightly concerned if his man card will be revoked.

So, with all the male consternation over figure skating, I've been giving the "Average guy watching chicks skate" conundrum much thought.

So I asked, "What would Brian Boitano do?"

He'd come up with a list of rules, of course.

There is one cardinal, never to be broken, rule. You can only watch women skate. Pairs skating is iffy, but there are plenty of hot chicks, so slack can be cut. You are never, ever allowed to watch men's figure skating. No excuses allowed. Not even for the comedy highlight reel that is USA diva, that "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" to be, Johnny Weis.

Viewing during the Winter Olympics are allowed, as you won't be alone. The World Championships are iffy at best. Best to be on the safe side and we'll say no. As for watching chick-centric tripe (Normallly used as counterprogramming against big time sports) like "Scott Hamilton's Tribute to Peanuts" or "Brian Boitano and Friends Skate to Michael Bolton" you're well past saving and will have your man card shredded on the spot.

Watch with a woman, preferably your significant. You know she'll be in seventh heaven tonight, and you can earn a several "Get out of jail free" points for watching with her. Those come in handy when you come home feeling no pain after a night with your friends, or as the woman would call them, "Partners in crime..."

You must be drinking beer and eating munchies, preferably pork rinds or beer nuts, while tuned in. Wine and cheese will cause you to lose your card. Unless that wine is Mad Dog 20/20 and the cheese has "Whiz" in the name...

Whenever discussing skating, always mention the "Bendiness" of the competitiors. Add a "You know what I mean?" and a wink...

Laugh when Scott Hamilton or Dick Button blurt out a phrase that you can turn into something risque. You know, stuff such as "Look at that marvelous Shoot the Duck position!" "What a sit spin!" "She knows how to work the free leg..." Add an elbow nudge for emphasis.

Do not talk about their "Costumes." There is one caveat. If one of the chicks skates in some sort of "Kate Beckinsale in Underworld" style latex and leather fetish gear, all bets are off.

Listen to the commentator hyberbole carefully, as they are prime time quote machines. You might hear a term or two you can use in a bar. For example, "A toepiece is a dangerous instrument." Definitely something to keep in mind...

You remember the controversy over pervy old guys and their Hilary Duff / Lindsey Lohan / Olsen Twin countdowns to 18? Do your due dilligence and research the ages of the competitors, as you DO NOT want to be "Creepy Guy." Comments about Sasha Cohen and Irina Slutskaya are OK. Those about Kimmie Meissner and Emily Hughes are not. We do not need any more Gary Glitters amongst us. The Pete Townshend "I was just doing research" defense won't work either...

Remember, these are not just guidelines, but hard and fast rules. No exceptions will be made, and may God have mercy upon you if you break them.

As that wise sage Brad Hamilton once said, "Learn it. Know it. Live it."

Now go crack open brew and check out the hot bendy chicks!


  1. "crack open brew and check out the hot bendy chicks!"

    Love it brother, LOL!

  2. Thank you, Big Al. Thank you. I'm going to be okay.

  3. No problem, Ian. As Red Green likes to say, “Remember, I’m pulling for you. We’re all in this together.”