Thursday, March 16, 2006

Inside Millen's brain...

Wow, I'm in early today, it's almost noon. Whatevs. I knew that "Fire Millen" stuff would blow over, suckers! So what should I be doing today? I know! Let's check my off season to-do list. Where did I put it? Goddammit, it's in Pennsylvania! I'd forget my 'stache if it wasn't attached. I love my 'stache. Yes, I do. Did I wax it today?

Come on, Millen, get back on track!!! Now what was I doing? Oh yeah, get the to-do list. What to do, what to do? Should I ask Lewand? Nah, he'll tell W.C. Marinelli? He'll just lecture me on my lack of disipline and make me give him 20. He's called me Private Gomer Pyle too many times already. I know, I'll call the wife, she'll know what to do. Wait a sec. I think I have a copy, I'll look in Morningweg's old desk. I miss Marty, he was funny with that "The bar is high" and "Snap, hold, kick" stuff. Hee!

Ah-ha! Gotcha! OK Millen, where do we stand? Hmmmm...

1. Hire an unkown head coach
Done! Saved a couple of million bucks, W.C. was so proud of me! Marinelli scares me a little, why does he call me Private Gomer Pyle anyway? If I stay in my office, he won't see me. Cool.

2. Hire a head case former head coach as a coordinator
I can check that off too. It was like pulling teeth, and I had to break a restraining order, but I did it! I did it! I got Mike Martz for a year, even if I told the media it was a multi year deal! Hee! Billy Jr. was so proud of me!

3. Piss off Joey
Hee! That was a piece of cake. I had that crazy SOB Martz do it for me.

4. Sign a quarterback
Boy howdy, I had too pull the wool over Kitna's eyes and promise him he could start! I hope Jon keeps it on the hush, hush, on the QT. It was nice of W.C. to fork over a couple of extra million to help convince him. I love W.C!

5. Sign a quarterback
How'd that get on the list twice? Whoopsie! Can I tell McCown it was just an honest mistake and can he please just forget the whole thing? Dammit, he already signed the contract? Maaaaaan. Oh well, I'll just tell W.C. and leak it to Killer that Joey wants to leave, everyone will believe that. But I told Josh he coulld start too! Millen, you bonehead! Oh well, that nutso MF'er Martz will handle it.

6. Sign a wide receiver
Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em, can't have too many of 'em, that's my motto! I want to stay on the good side of that batshiat crazy Martz, anyway.

7. Sign a wide reveiver
I put that on the list again? Millen, you big dummy! Good thing I'm double checking the list. I gotta call Keyshawn and T.O., tell 'em...What should I say...Oh yeah, that Mike Williams lost 30 pounds, so we aren't moving him to tight end! They'll believe that.

8. Sign a tight end
I didn't want Martz to get all in my face about having more weapons. I hope he likes the dude from Dallas. I think he said he can catch passes and not just block. I gotta talk to Martz about Mike Williams. He would be a good tight end, as he weighs close to 3 bills right now.

8. Cut Joey
I'll save that for next week. Joey's smoking some Thai stick over in Thailand anyway, maybe he'll just get suspended before I have to break the news to him. I'm going to miss Joey sooooo much.

7. Draft a skill position player in the first round
Hee! That'll piss off the media and fans! I can't wait to see the look on Killer's face. I bet the "Fire Millen" stuff starts again, that'll be FUN! I gotta call Kiper and ask who I should draft. He's been putting a bug in my ear about that guy Cutlet, Cutter, Butler, what the hell is his name? No biggie, Mel will know. I like Mel, he has cool hair. He should grow a 'stache.

Is that the phone? Who would that be? I hope it's not Lewand, he'll ask me why we signed another QB! Oh hell, it's that damn psycho, Martz. He's probably calling to remind me that I haven't signed a skill positon player in over 24 hours! Christ, what am I thinking? I need to find one, STAT!


  1. One of the funniest things I have ever read! Great post!

  2. hahahaha! Millen is a goofier white guy than Big Al!

  3. I'm pretty damn goofy Doc, maybe as big of a goofy as Millen, but at least I have better facial hair!

    Thanks LSG!

  4. Indeed. Too freaking funny, man. I'm forwarding the link to Deadspin.

  5. Joey, we hardly knew ye. I'm not really sad you're leaving, but I'm confident you'll end up tearing up the league with some other team.

  6. Haha, this is a great post.

  7. I got you on Deadspin, Al! (well, the post got you on, I just pointed it out to them)

    Enjoy the hits!