Inside Millen's brain: Masterminding

Life sure is good. My Detroit Lions are 4-2, and are playoff contenders in the toughest league in the world, the NFC! How? Thanks to my masterbati...Uh, masterminding ways. Is "masterminding" a real word? Well, it is now! Hee!

Matt "Masterminding" Millen! I like how that sounds! I can see the headlines... "Millen gets Lions to the Super Bowl, didn't have to buy tickets!"

What's even better, thanks to my masterminding in hiring Marinelli, is that I can come into the office every day, and just put my feet up. The Sarge and Martz are doing all the heavy lifting, making all the decisions, butting heads with the dumbasses in the media, working 16 hour days, while I play "Minesweeper" all afternoon. That game's not so hard, I find the bomb every time!

As fun as it is finding the bombs, I get kinda bored sometimes. Now that Sarge and Martz are calling the shots, everyone leaves me alone. It gets kind of lonely hanging out in my office, though. I miss defending my decisi...Uh, talking to the Killer Kowallaski, Mike Uhura, and that Nicky Cantstandsonika.

Maybe I'll leak a rumor that I almost traded that big crybaby Tatum Bell. But for who? Think, Matty, think! I know! I almost traded my whiny running back for my boy Joey Harrington. That's such a lopsided trade in the Lions favor, that the beat guys will actually believe it almost happened. That'll have them beating a path to my office, wanting to talk to the guy who mastermineded the deal. Then I can show them my mad Minesweeper skills!

Dang it! Now that I'm thinking of him, man, do I miss Joey. I'll always have a soft spot for that big ol' lug. There's a picture of me gently cradling his head in my hands, like a father holding the fruit of his loins. I need to get that picture, have it framed for all posteriority.

I wonder if Joey would autogerf...autogrif...autogapf...sign it for me. Mental note to self, get Joey's oughtogr...autograff...signature.

Now I'm getting all sentimental. I'm going to dig out that picture!


Awwww. Those were such good times...Good times.... Joey always came to me for advice.

Mr. Millen, Mr. Millen, Coach Marty wants to bench me, what should I do? Coach Mooch doesn't think I'm any good, what should I do? Martz thinks I suck, what should I do? I don't like it here anymore, Mr. Millen, can you please trade me?

I miss having someone look up to me. Oh well, no one ever said that running a football team was a piece of cake. Mmmm, cake...

Speaking of which, it's 3 o'clock! Quittin' time! I wish we had a dinosaur bird like the one on "The Flinstones" to let me know it's time to go home. TOOOOOT! Hee! Maybe Mr. Ford can get us one! Well, I'll put that on my "Ask Mr. Ford" list.

Let's see, I better make sure I don't already have "Dinosaur bird that goes toot" on the list. Hmmm....

1. Briefcase that turns into a desk.
2. Hairy elephant on wheels to use as a vacuum.
D. Robot housekeeper.
&. Talking dog.

No "Dinosaur bird!" Cool, it's now in the list! I'll talk to Mr. Ford about it tomorrow. I'm outta here like Dre' Bly after a trade!