Sunday, August 06, 2006

Inside Millen's brain: They like me, they really like me!

WC is so proud of me! Billy Jr. too! Sgt. Marinelli said, "Good job Private Pyle!" Crazy ass Martz didn't even cuss me out. Why? Becuase I'm now a member of the "NFL Competition Committee!" HEE!

Me, Matt Millen, NFL mover, doer, and shaker! Me, Matt Millen, rulemaker and power broker. Me, Matt Millen, with the destiny of the NFL in Matt Millen's hands. Me, Matt Millen, whose brilliance is finally being noticed. Who da man? I'm da man! That'd be me, Matt Millen, owner of the bestest 'stache, hire-er of the bestest coaches, and the bestest talent evaluater-er everer!

I think I know how I got the job. The owners asked me, "So how would you make the NFL more competitive?" I said, "Contract the Lions!" That one went over big during the league meetings! HEE!

I had to come up with some good ideas for the next league meeting. I thought longer and and harder than I ever had before. Then I thought some more. Then I stopped. Then thought even more. After the hardested I ever thought, I finally came up with my list of things that would make the NFL the most popular league ever!

1st. This idea came to me on the golf course, while I was looking for my balls. Do-overs. If you can get mulligans in golf, then football can have do-overs. Fumble? Do-over! Offsides? Do-over! Take the wind during overtime? Do-over! The officials had a do-over test during the Indiana-Pittsburger playoff game. It was slipped in at my suggestion! I think it worked well.

Bth. I'm going to recommend Isiah Thomas to be the new NFL commissioner. I heard he ran a whole league before, something called the USFL? IHL? ABA? WFL? WNBA? XFL? CBA? I don't remember. Whatevs. When I talked to Isiah, he told me that it wasn't his fault the league went under. When I asked what happened, he said, "Larry Brown!" Huh? Who? Whatevs. I think Isiah deserves a do-over. Isiah said that he'll be available soon, something called the "Knickerbockers" may let him leave to work for us. I sure hope so! I like Isiah's smile, too. Reminds me of that "The bar is high" dude that used to hang out around here. I miss him.

69rd. Contract the New England Patriotics, Pittsburger Steelers, and the Indiana Colts. Get rid of those teams, and the rest of us have better records. In fact, I already know who I would take in the first round of the expansion draft. Someone said it would be called a dispersion draft, but I've never heard of "Dispersion" before. Dispersion? That can't be a real word. Anyway, I can hear it now. "With the first pick of the 2007 NFL expansion draft, the Detroit Lions take Jim Sorgi."

7nd. Hockey and basketball let 16 teams in the playoffs. Something called the NCdoubleAAAA has 64 teams. The NFL is the biggestest and most importantest league of them all, so we should have the most playoff teams. But to be fair, not to make it too easy to make the playoffs, I'm going to split the difference with the NCdoubleAAAA. I think a 32 team playoff sounds about right.

5ish. Handicaps. Like do-overs, I stole the handicap idea from the golfer dudes, but I'll never tell. For example, my Lions would have gotten a 2 touchdown handicap before the Pittsburger game last season, so we would have been 10rd points to the good before the game even startered. Without a handicap, we lost 21-35. With a handicap? We win! Just do the math.

I think this list will turn heads the next time "NFL Competition Committee" meets. I plan on being a very influenza person in the NFL!

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