The Lions 2007 season is over before it even begins

For better or worse, we live in an NFL nation, so today's announcement of the 2007 NFL schedule is BIG news.

Fans of every NFL franchise are thrilled by the thought of a new season. The schedule gives them reason for hope. Hope that the Super Bowl is within their team's grasp. This is true for every fanbase, save for one. Just one. Which fanbase am I talking about?


The fans of the Detroit Lions.

We Lions fans expect the worst, then hope that the worst comes through, so that Matt Millen finally gets his inept ass fired.

Last year I said the Lions season was over after week 2. Now that I've looked over the new schedule, I can say with confidence that the Lions 2007 season is, before it even begins, over.

Here's this Lions fan's look at the upcoming season debacle.

1. Sunday, September 9 at Oakland Raiders - Detroit never wins on the West coast. Jamarcus Russell runs wild for rushing 3 TD's. Josh McCown, traded by the Lions to the Raiders in the offseason, throws for 2 more. 0-1

2. Sunday, September 16 MINNESOTA VIKINGS - One of the few games that look winnable, and the Lions are actually favored to win by Vegas oddsmakers The Lions never win those kind of games. Vikes win easily. 0-2

3. Sunday, September 23 at Philadelphia Eagles - Lions can't handle a healthy Donovan McNabb, thanks to their lack of any kind of pass rush. 0-3

4. Sunday, September 30 CHICAGO BEARS - Can the Lions beat the defending NFC champs? Yeah, right... 0-4

5. Sunday, October 7 at Washington Redskins - The Lions haven't won in D.C. since Roosevelt was in office. Teddy Roosevelt, that is... Bet the farm on the 'Skins. 0-5

6. Sunday, October 14 *** BYE WEEK *** - Plans for this season's fan revolt beigns in earnest.

7. Sunday, October 21 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS - Chucky outcoaches Sgt. Marinelli, Lions fans scream for Marinelli's scalp. He gets a contract extension instead. 0-6

8. Sunday, October 28 at Chicago Bears - Lions rarely win on the road. Period. Even when Rex Grossman is under center for the opposition. 0-7

9. Sunday, November 4 DENVER BRONCOS - Jay Cutler has his coming out party, has a career game, and shreds the Lions D, while some running back you've never heard of runs for 150 yards. 0-8

10. Sunday, November 11 at Arizona Cardinals - Matt Leinart has his coming out party, has a career game, and shreds the Lions D, while Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin run unmolested through the Lions defensive backfield for 5 TD's. 0-9

11. Sunday, November 18 NEW YORK GIANTS - Giants will be in total disarray, as the team will be in open revolt against Tom Coughlin. During the week Coughlin tells NYC media that the Giants WILL make the playoffs. They begin their stretch run by pounding the Lions. 0-10

12. Thursday, November 22 GREEN BAY PACKERS - There's a common misconception around the country that the Lions play well on Thanksgiving. Have you seen how badly the Lions have played on Turkey Day during the Millen era? 0-11

13. Sunday, December 2 at Minnesota Vikings - Late season road game, and the Vikes will be playing their asses off as they are in contention for a wild card. The Lions will be going through the motions, locking up the number 1 pick of the 2008 draft. 0-12

14. Sunday, December 9 DALLAS COWBOYS - Tony Romo fumbles every extra point snap, makes no difference as the Lions go for 2 when down 4 in the 4th quarter. The fans experience deja vu as the "Bobby Ross Maneuver" fails miserably, and the Lions lose when they are unable to convert on 4th and goal at the end of the game. 0-13

15. Sunday, December 16 at San Diego Chargers - The Lions never win on the West coast, part II. LaDainian Tomlinson sets a new single game NFL rushing record. 0-14

16. Sunday, December 23 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS - Chiefs will be in contention for a playoff spot. The Millen era death watch is in full bloom, what's left of the Lions' fanbase show up wearing Chiefs colors. Larry Johnson breaks Tomlinson's single game rushing record. 0-15

17. Sunday, December 30 at Green Bay Packers - This is Brett Favre's last game with the the Pack, as he has already announced his retirement + The Lions haven't won at Lambeau since Bush the elder was in office = Lions have no chance in Hell of winning, and are the first team to go 0 for the season. 0-16

After the season, Matt Millen gets another contract extension.

And Lions fans die a little more inside...

An open letter to Roger Goodell, NFL Commissioner

To: Roger Goodell, NFL Commissioner
From: The Wayne Fontes Experience
Re: Integrity of the game

Mr. Goodell,

Today you took a stand by suspending Pac-Man Jones for the entire 2007 season, and Chris Henry for 8 regular season games, for conduct detrimental to the league. Neither one will be "Makin' it rain" for quite some time.

Here's your exact words...

"We must protect the integrity of the NFL. The highest standards of conduct must be met by everyone in the NFL because it is a privilege to represent the NFL, not a right."

You talk of maintaining the integrity of the NFL, and meeting the highest standards. Well, that begs this question. If integrity and standards mean so much to the NFL, what about Matt Millen?

Talk about conduct detrimental to the league...

Highest standards and Matt Millen? Now that's a joke. Millen has reached new lows in regard to the performance standards of a NFL GM. A brain damaged chimp could reach, and more likely exceed, the standards Millen has set. The fine stewardship of Matt Millen has led the Lions franchise to be the lowest ranked overall in not just the NFL, but in all of sports.

As for the integrity of the game? Matt Millen can't even spell "Integrity." We are talking about a GM who slurred Johnny Morton by calling him a "Faggot." He questioned the manhood of Scotty Anderson with the infamous "Where are your testicles?" quote. Millen violated the NFL's own "Rooney rule," and who knows how many civil rights laws, by not interviewing anyone other than Steve Mariucci for the then open Lions' head coaching job. That was a huge black mark against the NFL in regard to your ongoing initiative to encourage minority hiring.

Sure, Millen has gotten a few slaps on the wrist, and was hit with a $250K fine for the "Rooney rule" violation. But the league still thought enough of the incompetent boob to allow him on the influential NFL competition committee. How can that help the "Integrity of the game?"

Pac-Man Jones and Chris Henry are out of control thugs who act without thinking. You deserve kudos for finally drawing a line in the sand. Since it is a privilege, and not a right, to participate in the NFL, lets draw another line for Matt Millen. He has acted without showing sign of any coherent thought.

A year long suspension of Matt Millen would show you no longer tolerate buffoons. A lifetime suspension would show even more.

For the LOVE OF GOD, we Lions fans are begging you Mr. Goodell. Please suspend Matt Millen! Immediately!

Regards,

Big Al
The Wayne Fontes Experience

Matt Millen's draft strategy is to not screw up. Here's how he most likely will...

In the weeks leading up to the 2007 NFL draft, otherwise known as the Detroit Lions' Super Bowl, rumors are running rampant. Rumors don't mean a thing to Lions fans, as we already know the incompetent boob running the Lions is going to blow another draft.

Despite knowing what the future holds, humor me. Let's talk about the 3 most often heard Lions draft strategies, and cut through all the BS.

The Lions want to trade down: Of course they want to trade down. A team with more holes than than the number of times Jon Kitna was turfed obviously needs bodies. Lots of 'em. Preferably with talent. At very least, breathing.

So who wouldn't want to trade down for a handful of extra picks? But saying you want to move, and actually doing so, are 2 wholly different things.

Haven't we heard this same draft song and dance every year of the Millen regime? And nothing ever comes of it. We fans hear the same platitudes, and know them by heart.

"We are keeping all options open." "We are talking with every team." "We'll listen to any offer."

And you know when the best offers will come in? While the Lions are on the clock, which will be either after the Raiders sign their new QB before the draft, or on draft day.

Till then, nothing is going to happen Nothing. Even then, I don't think dropping down will be an option. Read on as to why...

The Lions are open to drafting a skill position player: First off, anything the Lions say at this point is nothing more than a pre draft smokescreen. In other words, believe nothing, and if Millen's, Marinelli's, or Martz's lips are moving, they're lying. But the odds of the Lions drafting a QB, WR, or RB are longer than the list of Millen personnel miscues.

Thanks to Millen's boneheaded buffoonery in past drafts, the Lions are only going to take a offensive or defensive lineman (There will be one exception, more on that later). Millen will get pilloried for taking a skill position player, even if that player (JaMarcus Russell, Calvin Johnson, Brady Quinn) is the highest ranked left on the draft board. Considering the past track record, deservedly so.

Rod Marinelli has been saying that they need to build from the inside out. Marinelli's track record was built upon interior line play. That means going the safe route, and picking the likes of a Joe Thomas, Jamall Anderson, or Gaines Adams.

The one exception? As the Killer says in his excellent combine blogging, if Kevin Jones shows he's not going to be recovering from his foot injury as fast as currently expected, the Lions interest in RB Adrian Peterson will rise exponentially. A full season of Shawn Bryson, Brian Calhoun, and a washed up veteran free agent back to be named later as your backfield options is a legitimately scary thought. Kitna will have to throw for 5000+ yards, as there will be no running game without a healthy Jones or a drafted Peterson.

Other than that one exception, I think the entirety of the NFL, the MSM, bloggers, fans, and even our mothers, know that the Lions are taking an interior linemen.

Speaking of such, that's another reason the Lions won't be able to trade down. If you know the Lions aren't taking one of those highly ranked skill position players, NFL GM's are going to be lining up to talk with the number 3 picking Browns. That's a team who legitimately could pick a QB, RB, or WR, and not be laughed out of the league. Unlike our Lions...

As usual, the Lions past futility will come back to bite them on the ass.

The Lions need to do well on day 2 of the draft: Duh.

Here's the Lions 2nd day draft picks for this decade. If you have a weak constitution, or if there are children in the room, I'd advise you not to read the following...

2006: Rd 5 - Jonathan Scott OT, Rd 6 - Dee McCann CB, Rd 7 - Fred Matua OG and Anthony Cannon LB

2005 : Rd 5 - Dan Orlovsky QB, Rd 6 - Bill Swancutt DL and Johnathan Goddard LB

2004: Rd 5 - Alex Lewis LB, Rd 6 - Kelly Butler OT

2003: Rd 4 - Artose Pinner RB, Rd 5 - Terrence Holt S and James (Dirty) Davis LB, Rd 6 - David Kircus WR, Rd 7 - Ben Johnson OT and (You're my boy) Blue Adams CB

2002: Rd 4 - Jonathan Taylor DE, Rd 5 - John Taylor TE, Rd 6 - Chris Cash CB, Rd 7 - Luke Staley RB, Matt Murphy TE, and Victor Rogers OT

2001: Rd 5 - Scotty (Where are your testicles?) Anderson WR and Mike McMahon QB, Rd 6 - Jason Glenn LB

2000: Rd 5 - Todd Franz CB, Rd 6 - Quinton Reese DE, Rd 7 - Alfonso Boone DT

Today, it was reported that Sgt. Marinelli said the Lions need to "Hit some major league home runs" with their day 2 picks. To continue to mix metaphors, the Lions haven't even gotten more than a 2nd day bunt single in this decade. Definitely no one who could be considered a star, or even a solid starter, just a handful of barely serviceable backups, special teamers, and practice squad roster filler.

In fact, the last 2nd day "Home run" was Cory Schlesinger, who was a 6th rounder in 1995.

The odds of the Lions going yard, hitting a tater, taking it deep, or swatting a big fly on day 2 of the draft are longer than the amount of home run metaphors I can find. Truthfully, I'm expecting a day 2 Lions "Golden sombrero."

Why the mainstream media is OK: Reason 1

I know I'm one who normally bitches to high heaven about the clueless MSM, the previous post being my latest cry for help.

But I want to give credit where credit is due. Mlive's Lions beat guy, Killer Kowalski, is doing a bang up job in his Lions Weblog, with constant updates from the NFL combine.

Killer has posted about everything from Josh McCown trade rumors (He calls them total BS), to Charles Rogers running a 4.8 40 in a workout for the Chiefs (Killer believes Rogers is done with football), to a short interview with Mike Martz (Claims Martz said a ton of things off the record, criticizing several players).

I don't always agree with Kowalski, as his Lions' opinion columns sometimes spin out of control (Such as his saying a couple of seasons back that the Lions would cut Joey Harrington, which was pure speculation on his part), but I'm really enjoying his stuff from the combine.

Speaking of the combine...

The News' Mike O'Hara, not to be upstaged by the Killer, has his own combine scoop.

Joe Thomas, currently the consensus pick for the Lions in the current mock drafts, says "I'd love to play for Detroit." He also added "I think they're an organization that just needs a couple pieces, I think they're going to take off."

My thoughts?

As it's more than obvious the Raiders will take a QB with the first pick, Thomas will say and do ANYTHING to be the number 2 pick overall in the draft, even if it means coming off as delusional, if not insane.

On the other hand, Thomas may truly be certifiable, and believes everything he's saying. God help him...

William Clay Ford and Matt Millen: Draft day strategy

Matt Millen: Dammit, I should have known. He's deep into the Chivas. Here we go again.

William Clay Ford: //drool//

MM: Mr. Ford, sir? I'm here to speak to you about the upcoming NFL draft.

William Clay Ford: //whistle//

MM: Sir? SIR? MR. FORD?!

WCF: //snort//

MM: MR. FORD! THE DRAFT!! THE DRAFT!!

WCF: //wheeze// Huh? Wha?! DRAFT?! What about the God damn draft?! I have an exemption! I'm 4 fucking F, my daddy took care of it! World war my ass! I'm not going to war to support that damn socialist Roosevelt! I couldn't give a shit if some Archduke has been shot! Scotch me, Jeeves! Damn communists are ruining this country! Next thing you know, we'll be dropping the gold standard!

MM: THE NFL DRAFT, YOU DAMN DEAF ASS OLD COOT! Uh, um...That came out wrong, sir. I meant to say, I'm talking about the NFL draft, Mr. Ford.

WCF: Oh, it's you, Russ! How's things with my footballers? You still don't have that drunk alcoholic Texan playing quaterbacker, do you Russ? He's giving my Lions a bad name, with all the late night carousing and whoring! That won't do. That won't do at all. We need another QB, Russ.

MM: No, Mr. Ford, I'm not Russ Thomas, I'm Matt Mill...Whatever you say, sir. Anyway...We traded Bobby Layne in 1958, Mr. Ford. Jon Kitna is our QB now. The coaches all agree that Kitna is their man for next year.

WCF: Who? Johnny Kika? Sounds Jewish to me! You know that won't do, Russ. We need a real quaterbacker, not some jewboy. Now what about this so-called draft. Sounds like a good way to get my footballers a new quaterbacker. OK, it's settled.

MM: Settled? But...

WCF: We'll draft a quaterbacker, as long as he isn't a hippie, a jew, or a colored boy.

MM: Sir, I've talked with the coaches, and we all agree. We're quite happy with our QB situation. We want to take a lineman with our first pick.

WCF: A lineman? A LINEMAN?! //hack// //spit// Christ almighty Russ, what in the HELL are you thinking?! Are you on the drugs? Linemen don't sell tickets! I told you, we NEED a quarterbacker. You're driving me to drink, Russ. JEEVES! SCOTCH! NOW! OR I'M CALLING IMMIGRATION!

MM: But, but, but...Sir, the last time you told me to specifically take a QB, we ended up with Joey Harrington. He set back the franchise 5 years! We became a league laughingstock! We need to build from the inside out, sir. We like Joe Thomas, a offensive tackle from Wiscons...

WCF: A TACKLE!? Didn't you hear me? No one buys tickets to watch some lard ass! You are NOT drafting a..a...TACKLE LINEMAN! That settles that. Now tell me Russ, who are the best quaterbackers coming out of the university system?

MM: There's two QB's that are at the top of our draft board. A stud kid from LSU, Jamarcus Russell, and...

WCF: Jamar-who? Did I hear that right? JAMARCUS? He a colored boy?

MM: Uh...Well...

WCF: Russ, you know that's not going to work. We all know that the coloreds are lazy. It's common knowledge that quaterbacker is too difficult of a position for the coloreds. I WILL NOT have a lazy colored boy as my quarterbacker! Case closed! Now where's my scotch?

MM: I don't know where your scotch is, sir. Since we now don't like Russell, the next QB on the board is a kid from Notre Dame...

WCF: Notre Dame? Are you talking about Hourning? Paul Hourning is available?! 23 skidoo, now there's a clean cut young man! And a Heisman winning Notre Dame lad to boot. He's going to sell lots of tickets, Russ! Say what you will about those damn Catholics, but they sure can produce good footballers! That's who you're drafting, Russ. No ifs, ands, or buts. Discussion over. Now have a drink. GOD DAMMIT! JEEVES, I HAVE IMMIGRATION ON THE PHONE! SCOTCH! NOW!

MM: No sir, his name is Brady Qui...Oh Christ, I give up. Yes, sir. I can draft Paul Hourning for the Lions.

WCF: Now that's what I like in my general manager. A yes man. That's why our family business is doing so well, Russ. What we Fords say, goes. You best remember that, Russ.

MM: Yes, sir. Can I have that drink?

WCF: That's the spirit, boy! //snort// Scotch is the nectar of the Gods, you know. JEEVES!

MM: I hate myself...

Parcells to the Lions? Get real, folks...

As you all know, the Big Tuna, Bill Parcells retired from the Cowboys, and supposedly pro football altogether today. Within minutes after the announcement, you could read message board posts by fans desperately wanting the Lions to give Parcells a call.

That's not Alfred Hitchcock, it's the Tuna

Local sports talk radio pondered just such a scenario as well. I'd expect at least 1 local ink stained wretch of a columnist to call for the Lions to make a pitch for Parcells as well.

My take? As if... Come on people, let get real. It's not going to happen, and believe me it's for the best.

To begin with, rumors had it that the Lions had their shot at Parcells a few years ago, before he ended up in Dallas. Supposedly there was interest from the Tuna in joining the Lions, but he was never seriously considered due to his caustic personality and need for complete control. In other words, Parcells is too much the control freak, a total handful for an owner who doesn't like those who make waves. Parcells would have been a tsunami.

The Fords preferred Matt Millen as their savior. But I digress...

Would the Lions interest Parcells? At this point of his career, not as a coach. As a GM? Possibly. But honestly, I wouldn't want the Tuna as the head coach or GM. Not at 65 years of age. It's become more and more obvious the the NFL is a younger man's game. Witness the success of first year coaches Eric Mangini of the Jets (age 36) and Sean Payton of the Saints (age 43). Lovie Smith was hired at 45, and has the Bears in the Super Bowl 3 years later.

I don't often agree with the Worldwide Leader dot com's Bill Simmons, but he nailed the Parcells age issue with his "Speed Limit Coaching Corollary."

This isn't about age as much as the demands of this particular profession. It's the hardest in sports, an incredibly complex, punishing, thankless job. Just look at the physical effects on head coaches who stick around for extended periods of time. Remember during the Dallas-Seattle game, when NBC ran a split-screen of Parcells and Mike Holmgren from the Packers-Patriots Super Bowl in '97, then followed it up with a live split-screen of them during Saturday's game...and they looked a good 20-25 years older. It was positively creepy, right?

That's why, in Parcells' honor, I'm introducing the Speed Limit Coaching Corollary. If the coach of your favorite team is older than 55, or if your team is about to hire someone who's older than 55, there's a good chance you should start preparing for a frustrating stretch of football.

Yet the Lions have Rod Marinelli. A gimpy 57 year old first time head coach coming off a 3-13 season who's recovering from hip replacement surgery... Yep, that's our forward thinking Lions.

So Parcells isn't coming to Detroit. You know he'd piss off Ford Sr. to no end, and to be perfectly honest, he's well past his prime.

Wouldn't it be nice if the Leo's could actually find the next up and coming great football mind? Someone in his 30's, with a chip on his shoulder, and something to prove? Never happen. This is the same franchise that had assistant coaches of the caliber of a Don Shula and Chuck Knox back in the day, didn't know what they had, and let them leave for much greener pastures.

It's been nothing but retreads, has-been's, and never-were's since William Clay Ford took over. Convincing Bill Parcells to un-retire, to either coach and/or GM the Lions, would be repeating the same mistake.

Why I hate Peyton Manning, and other championship Sunday musings

Is it just me, or was I the only person who found himself rooting for the Patriots last night? It was a great game, and Indy deserves all the credit in the world for coming back to win against such a battle tested team as the Pats. But I was disappointed in the result. Yes, I was disappointed that the big market Patriots, the 00's team of the decade, lost.

To be honest, when it comes to my feelings in regard to the Indianapolis Colts and the Patriots, it's 6 of 1, half dozen of the other. In other words, as a Lions fan, I can't help but be insanely jealous of the success of both franchises.

As for why I ended up rooting the way I did, most of it came down to Tom Brady and his Michigan Wolverines ties. That's even though he has become the iconic "Tom Terriffic," the man whose picture Bill Simmons rubs one out to every night and twice on Sunday.

Despite his massive success, Brady still comes off as regular Joe, or about as regular as a multi-millionaire, good looking, model dating, SNL hosting, Super Bowl winning QB can be. But Bill Belichick, on the other hand... Even though I'll admit that's he's a great coach, he's about as likable as Dick Cheney, with an even pricklier personality, and a much worse wardrobe. Let alone the disgusting fact that Belichick is an adulterer who helped break up a marriage, which in my mind makes him an absolute douchebag.

As for the Colts, Tony Dungy seems like a nice guy who has persevered through some tough times, both personally and professionally. He's a damn good coach, more than a bit holier than thou (I'm not a fan of those who "Thank God" after a win), but without the hubris of a Belichick. Peyton Manning, on the other hand... He's a willing victim of media overexposure, or as the GF told me last night, "Manning's a commercial whore! He endorses everything!"


I'm not sure I can take 2 more weeks of Manning being fluffed by the media, and you know it's going to happen. On top of the MSM man-love for Manning, we will continually be pummeled over the head with Mannning's ads for Gatorade, DirecTv,and that damn MasterCard ad with the,"They're not booing, they're saying "MOOOOVERS!" line. Enough already of that gomer with the fivehead hawking crap on my television, please.

So the thought of having to endure everything that is Peyton Manning overload, which has already begun, by the way, was the tipping point. The obnoxious ubiquitousness of Manning overtly pimping everything under the sun overrode my utter contempt for Belichick.

I'm warning you now, by the time the Super Bowl finally kicks off, you are not going to want to hear the 2 words "Peyton Manning" ever again. EVER again.

As for the NFC game, I'm still attempting to wrap my mind around the fact that a Bears team with Rex Grossman under center is going to the Super Bowl. Rex Grossman? Grossman makes Jon Kitna look like Tom Brady!

So a one dimensional team, the Chicago Bears, won the NFC. The Bears are a throwback team. Well, more like a backwards lateral team, as you only have to go back to the 2000 Baltimore Ravens. Win with defense, and don't F yourself over on offense. Unfortunately for the Lions, they can't win with defense, and do F themselves over on offense.

The Bears are direct competitors with the Motor City Kitties. They somehow went all the way to the Super Bowl, and did so with an extremely flawed team. Which, as a Lions fan, brings a question to mind. Could the Lions build a team with a defense so dominating, they win despite having a below average (Or worse) offense? (Or for that matter, vice versa, win with a Martz era Rams style offense and average defense?) Could the Lions EVER put together a run similar to the Bears'?

No. Never. Can't happen. Don't make me laugh. Are you insane?!

That's how far away our Detroit Lions are from being a contender. We fans can't even envision a scenario where they are in contention.

Final thoughts on the BCS, and a too long college football season

About my only thought immediately after the whooping BCS champ Florida laid on tOSU was, "Well, that game sucked..."

As for the 4th down play on tOSU's own 29 yard line late in the 1st half? Cheatypants McSweaterVest knew the game was on the verge of getting out of hand if he didn't try something drastic. I doubt anyone other than the Vest thought doing that something at that point in the game was wise, though.

It's obvious that the Buckeyes would have lost even if they had managed to convert, so it's not as if that play was a huge momentum shift. Florida had already established themselves as the Alpha dog. Turning the ball over on downs just accelerated the Gators' ass kicking.

Ted Ginn's getting fragged by his own team during the TD celebration, thus missing the majority of the game, might have made things a tad closer. But even the most die hard fan of the scarlet and gray would have to admit that Ginn's injury wouldn't have changed all that much. Florida was not going to be denied.

So the Big 10 gets embarrassed on the biggest of CFB stages, the BCS bowls. The Big 10's supposed best and brightest, the Wolverines and the Buckeyes, looked slow and unable to make adjustments. To be honest, you can say the same things about the Vest as we've been saying about Lloyd Carr's Rose Bowl performance. Their seasons both ended in similar fashion, by getting their asses handed to them by better, faster, more effectively game planned teams.

Now that we've seen the final ass kicking of the bowl season, the college football season is finally over.

Lets not say "Goodbye," but rather. "See ya soon." It's been great, but I could use the break. I'll look college football up in August, after I've had a chance to forget all the bad things...

Bo Schembechler's death.

6-6 teams and the fleabag bowls that happily invite them.

The entire bowl system, and the lack of a true playoff.

The cluster that is the polls.

Beano Cook.

Notre Dame, The Notre Dame Broadcasting Network, and the anointing of Brady Quinn.

Alabama's coaching search.

Gary Danielson's SEC shilling.

Michigan's inability to finish a season on an up note.

All things recruiting.

The smugness of Cheatypants McSweaterVest.

FOX's college football coverage butchering.

The local ABC affiliate showing some ESPN Plus Big 10 bottom feeder game rather than a much better nationally televised one.

Division 1 teams scheduling community colleges, directional schools, orphanages, flag football teams, the Little Sisters of the Poor, any group of warm bodies whom can guarantee an easy out of conference win.

Division 1 teams making fans pay full price to witness those massacres.

Awful officiating.

The "Who should be in the BCS title game" and "There needs to be a Division 1 playoff" caterwauling.

Chris Rose, Paul McGwire, and Lee Corso on my TV.

Urban Meyer whining.

The Big 10 having 11 teams and thus no championship game.

And last but not least, Lloyd Carr pissing me off.

Quick BCS title game thoughts

It's January 8th, people. What in the Hell are FOX and the NCAA thinking? The BCS title game should have been played a week ago. After the bowl orgy of the past 3 weeks, waiting 4 days between the this game and the Sugar Bowl make tonight's game nearly an afterthought. In no way I'm going to factor in the 2 fleabag bowls that TWWLiS unnecessarily squeezed in over the weekend. With the NFL playoffs in full swing, they were played totally under the radar.

There is absolutely no reason, other than large amounts of cash, for this game to be played in the 2nd week of January. But when factoring in the large amounts of cash, I'm sure that FOX and the NCAA couldn't give 2 shits about what fans really want. That being the bowl season finishing by New Years Day.

In my mind, Chris Rose as the host of these BCS games make the whole broadcast feel like I'm watching high up the dial basic cable. In other words, he's minor league, especially when compared to Chris Fowler. To be honest, I can't get the awfulness of Rose's "TBDSSP" out of my mind.

FOX does the NFL damn well, save for all of the asinine wooshy sound effects and CGI robots. But they have a long way to go before they equal the production of either SEC mouthpiece CBS, or the Big 10's overseer, The Worldwide Leader/ABC. Personally, I've been watching "College Gameday" before every bowl game, then tuning in FOX around 8. Even with Lee Corso, "College Gameday" is the only broadcast on TWWLiS that doesn't make me grind my teeth.

As an unabashed Big 10 fan, I'm torn. Do I root for Cheatypants McSweaterVest and tOSU, keeping with my personal rule to always pull for the Big 10 Conference in bowl games and the NCAA hoops tourney? Or do I cheer against the bucknuts, as after all, they are the God damn unholy bucknuts. I don't think it makes me a bad Wolverines fan if I cheer for the conference as a whole, as the Buckeyes winning would be in the best interest of Michigan's somewhat Rose Bowl battered reputation.

In what should be the only time you'll see this on TWFE, let me say, "Go Buckeyes!"

Benjamin Franklin was a Detroit Lions fan

Why would I say such a blasphemous thing? Because Ben Franklin once said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Obviously, he was talking about the Detroit Lions.

The Lions blow the number 1 draft pick with a surprising win against playoff bound Dallas. Now guaranteed the number 2 overall draft pick, no one is sure what Matt Millen is going to do. Other than blow it, that is. About the only thing we are sure of is that a wide receiver won't be taken with that pick. Then again, this is Millen we are talking about.

Millen is given carte blanche to continue running the Lions into the ground, with the announcement that the incompetent boob will not be given the ziggy. Millen's vow to the beat writers, "I'll never quit," sent shivers through each and every Lions fan. Those that they have left, anyway...

Head coach Rod Marinelli, just as the namesake of this blog would do on a yearly basis, scapegoated a pair of coaches. Defensive coordinator Donnie Henderson and O-line coach Larry Beightol were given their walking papers. Oddly, the twice suspended, drunk, naked, fast food loving D-line coach, Joe Mullen, is still gainfully employed.

By the way, just who is the new defensive coordinator? Marinelli's son-in-law. Now that is just asking for trouble. Whispers of "Nepotism" are already being heard.

What's funny, is that some are still optimistic about the Lions. Read a message board or the beat writers, and you'll find plenty who still think Marinelli is the answer. Too many fans are looking at the so-called intangibles, not results. Because Marinelli talks a good game, looks like a football coach, has a military background, and there is the undeniable fact that he has an blithering idiot for a boss, most are giving Marinelli a free pass on this season.

That's amazing, as in my mind, we've seen no progress on the field. Marinelli needs to be held responsible. If anything, the Lions regressed badly this season. 2 other rookie head coaches, the Saints' Sean Payton and the Jets' Eric Mangini, took teams that were well under .500 in 2005 to the 2006 playoffs. I could give Marinelli the benefit if the doubt and say that he didn't have as good of personnel as those 2 teams. But you cannot deny the Lions were worse this season than last. Much worse. Finishing 3-13 is unacceptable, no matter the circumstances.

Marinelli claims that he's "Stirring the cement" and "Building a foundation." Then just why is it taking Marinelli so long, when Payton and Mangini were able to do so in less than 1 season? If you hired a contractor that took this long to build a "Foundation," you'd be asking for a refund and calling the Better Business Bureau.

So Marinelli got his free pass. That gives us a Catch 22. You give Marinelli the benefit of the doubt because he has a buffoon for a boss. But who hired Marinelli? That same buffoon.

If William Clay Ford had fired Millen, supposedly that would be unfair to Marinelli, as that would leave him a lame duck. So the Lions keep Millen, just to give Marinelli another year, and we continue with the 3-13 status quo? That makes absolutely no sense. What do you see in Millen's track record that would allow us to think that year 2 of Rod Marinelli will be any better than the regimes of Morhinwheg and Mariucci? I sure haven't seen it.

Marinelli continues to say that he wants his "Type" of player. But you have an incompetent boob in charge of getting those players. What do you see in Millen's track record that would allow us to think that year 7 of his player acquisition would be any better than the 6 years previous?

Millen needs to go, but he's not going anywhere. Any other GM would have been fired long, long ago. This is what I wrote on the Motownsports.com message board in a thread asking the question, who was a worse GM, the Tigers Randy Smith, or Matt Millen?

Randy Smith was run of the mill bad.

But Matt Millen? Millen is historically bad. Legendarily bad. The sort of bad that will be talked about for generations. When you look up bad in the encyclopedia, you'll see Millen's picture. Millen will be the comparison used when talking about how low a GM can take a franchise. Millen is so bad, that no other GM will ever be allowed to surpass Millen's ineptness, as they would have been canned long before they could do Millen-esque damage to a franchise.

So if we know the above is true, why on Earth would anyone think that the Lions won't have another double digit loss season, no matter how much Marinelli "Coaches 'em up?"

Who should the Lions hire once Matt Millen gets the ziggy?

Bill Cowher, that's who.

Just read on, and you'll see my logic.

The longer that William Clay Ford remains silent, the more it appears that we Lions fans will have to put up with at least one more ugly year with that incompetent porn 'stached boob, Matt Millen, and his hand-picked failure of a head coach, Rod Marinelli.

The MSM is assuming that Millen surviving past this horrific season is close to a done deal. The reason being floated out of Allen Park is that firing Millen would leave Marinelli a lame duck coach, and that just wouldn't be fair to the Sarge. There is a caveat, though. That being that the Lions will have to show a vast improvement in 2007, or else. The "Or else" will mean that there will be a total housecleaning in Allen Park, from the incompetent boob on down.

Since the odds of the Lions being anything more than 4 or 5 win team in 2007 are short, I think iit's safe to say that the Lions will finally be rid of the buffoon and his 3 ring circus in January 2008.

In Pittsburgh, the rumors are rampant as to the future of Steelers head coach, the Super Bowl winning Bill Cowher. Yesterday, Cowher spoke to the press, and announced that he'll give a statement in regard to his future as soon as next week.

With a statement like that, it sure sounds like Cowher has already made a decision, and is just waiting for the end of the season to announce that he is leaving the Steelers. As Dan Shanoff said this morning...

My bet is on retirement, temporarily. TV cred in '07 and a big raise with another team in '08 is his future.

Why would Cowher spend a year in the broadcast booth? The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette article has the answer...

If Cowher steps down, he could not coach elsewhere in 2007 unless the Steelers granted permission, which is unlikely. He would be free to coach elsewhere in 2008.

So, if the Lions keep their current course, Millen and Marinelli will be toast after the 2007 season. On the other hand, Bill Cowher will be out from under his Steelers contract after the 2007 season, and become available to take over another NFL organization.

The Lions will have a huge front office and coaching void to fill. The biggest coaching free agent in the 2007 off season will be Bill Cowher. Seems like a match to me...

In yesterday's post, I quoted Terry Foster. As you remember, Foster believes the Lions fanbase is unwilling to make a sacrifice, one big enough one to force a regime change. Well, here's the chance to prove Foster wrong, and where fan sacrifice and pain comes into play.

The sacrifice being we'll have to suffer through one more awful season of Millen. That year will allow him to fully hang himself, and give WCF more than enough reason to can Millen's sorry ass.

After the inviteable 10+ loss season, Mllen, the drunk naked fast food loving line coach, crazy ass offensive coordinator, the "Coach 'em up" head man, the entire coaching staff and front office, they all will get the ziggy. The Lions will then be in the market for a "Football" man. Say, for example, a Bill Cowher?

You might think that the Lions getting someone as capable as Cowher at the helm is a pipe dream. But the Fords, amazingly enough, have a good reputation in NFL circles. Just why is that? WCF is known as being a hands-off owner, will sign off on generous long term contracts, and give his people more than enough time to prove, or hang, themselves. The Millen era is proof positive of that...

That's why the Lions, even though they will have been bottom dwellers for close to a decade by the close of the '07 season, will have a shot of getting Bill Cowher.

Offer him complete control over personnel and a big money 5+ year deal, and Cowher may just bite.

Cowher has the winning pedigree of a quality organization, obviously has the talent, and the force of will that the Lions organization desperately needs.

Bill Cowher, Detroit Lions head coach and GM. Sounds good to this long suffering fan.

Will it happen? Could it happen? Stranger things have...

The MSM does the math: The Lions continue to lose + I'm still a fan = The losing is all my fault

I watched the Detroit Lions - Chicago Bears game on Christmas Eve, for several reasons. I was curious to see how successful the fan walkout would be, and if the NFL's mouthpiece, FOX, would mention anything about the fan backlash here in Detroit. The GF was preparing for later in the day, when we would be heading to her parents for dinner, and I needed to stay out of her way. I had a third place game in the blogger league against Twins15, the man in charge of "Thank You Brian Sabean," and "Complete Sports," and I had both Roy Williams and Mike Furrey in my starting lineup.

But what was the main reason for me to watch a meaningless game? Despite the Lions current state of suckitude, I'm still a fan. Through very little thick and way too much thin, I'm a fan of the worst run franchise in sports.

That's the great thing about fandom of any kind, that there isn't much logic to it. The Lions have, for lack of a better term, shit all over us for decades. For most of my life, the Lions have done nothing but heap disappointment upon disappointment. Yet I remain a fan of the Honolulu blue and silver. I'm not going to be "Lions free," as some sports rant radio hosts encourage.

That doesn't mean that I'm happy with how the Lions have been, and currently are being, run. In fact, like most of you, I'm furious! I'm vocal in my frustrations. That's why Terry Foster's Detroit News blog post after Sunday's game made me absolutely incensed.

Foster says that the Lions current state of awfulness is the fault of the Lions fanbase. He claims that we, the fans, won't make the sacrifices needed that would encourage William Clay Ford to make a change.

The sad thing is more bad days are coming and you will be partly to blame because you are not willing to sacrifice. Fans won't give up their season tickets. They won't give up a Sunday afternoon and they won't even leave a meaningless game early to send a message to the Lions and Ford family.

What a load of bullshit. Total and utter bullshit.

First off, reports from people who were there, and judging from the FOX camera shots, Ford Field was full of Bears fans. Those were seats that, for the most part, were bought from Lions fans who decided they had better things to do. My Lions season ticket holding brother in law, who drops a good sized wad of cash for 4 seats, was one.

He attended all of 2 games this season. The rest of his tickets, he sold off. He is not at all happy with the Lions current direction. So he doesn't go to many games. But in Foster's mind, he's an enabler, he's a fault. Weird logic, if you ask me.

Here's a line from Foster that really bothers me.

The fans anger hit a boil when rumors began to circulate that the Lions plan on bringing Millen back.

"Hit a boil?" The anger has long boiled over, and has since boiled away. Where was Foster 12 months ago? Last season's protests, the "Millen Man March" and the "Orange-out," were the high point of fan frustration. The walkout protest, while a worthwhile endeavor and generating national attention, was flawed from the start.

Between the stadium being full of Bears faithful, the difficultly in having fans who paid their hard earned dollars for tickets to just up and leave, and the general lethargy of much of the Lions fanbase who think that nothing they do will make a difference to the Fords, led to a walkout that the media said didn't live up to the (media generated) hype.

Reports varied in the size of the protest, from 100 to 500. Thus, Foster says the walkout "Failed."

Foster's throwaway comments was more knee-jerk media bullshit. So thousands didn't up and walk out. That's not the point. The walkout generated tons of local and national MSM attention, made the AP wire before and after the game, and was a topic of conversation for weeks. To me, that's a resounding success for a grass roots, internet based, loosely organized, protest.

Foster goes on to say the following...

You are all talk and no action. So you get what you deserve. When the Lions are struggling through more 5 and six-win seasons you are partly to blame. You keep waiting for the Calvary to come in and save the day. Folks I got news for you. They ain't coming. You will have a losing season next year too. The Lions are going to break this thing up again before they become a playoff contender.

So to say I deserve this, that I'm to blame for the ills of the Lions? That pisses me off to no end.

First off, only the most blindly faithful and deluded would believe that the Lions are close to having a winning record. Second, to call out Lions fans by calling us "All talk and no action" is totally unfair.

Just read the blogs and message boards, listen to the radio. No one is supporting the Lions and Millen at this point. No one. Take away the Bears fans, and you have a half empty stadium. Factor in the protests of the past 2 seasons, and I think that is a fairly proactive fanbase, one that is more than "Just talk."

I think what raised my ire the most in Foster's post was that it was coming from someone who doesn't have to pay his way into a game. Games that we fans pay a high price, figuratively and literally, to attend. Foster chides us for being fans, the same fans that allow him to make a very good living writing and talking about something we obviously care about dearly.

Foster is clearly ripping us for caring about the Lions. Yet he'll spent 4 hours a day, 6 days a week, whipping us into a frenzy, talking about those same Lions on WXYT. Seems to me that is someone who is talking out of both sides of his mouth.

Thing is, I can't just shut off my Lions fandom. I'm sorry, but it doesn't work that way. Just as I couldn't stop being a Tigers fan despite their 2 decades of mediocrity, or stop rooting for the Wings during the "Dead Things" era.

Like any true Pistons fan, I despised Micheal Jordan, his caddy Pippen, and the Chicago Bulls, while the Pistons were having some lean years. Root for Jordan? After he rudely dissed the Bad Boys Pistons? Never.

I grew up during the Pittsburgh Steelers dynasty, and the years where the Dallas Cowboys were considered "America's Team." But I wasn't ever a bandwagon fan, cheering for the "It" team of the moment. I remained, steadfastly, for rarely better and often worse, a fan of the Lions. I'm not, nor will I ever be, "Lions free."

Bandwagon fans, those that can switch allegiances at will, are in my mind, the lowest of the low.

So when it comes to the Lions, I'm pissed at what's happened to them. But to rip me for remaining a fan, for continuing to watch a team I've rooted for since childhood? That's just thoughtless bullshit from someone who just doesn't get it.

An open letter to Detroit Lions fans, from William Clay Ford

From: The Throne of William Clay Ford
To: The Lions ticket holding communist rabble
Re: A word of warning

Let's get one thing perfectly clear. I could care less about you, and you despise me. But I'm richer than God, so what you think, to be blunt, means dick. But that's neither here nor there.

I'm hearing from my moles that some of you lower class, blue collar, union sympathizing socialists are planning an attempt to embarrass me and my football team with a so-called "Protest." I'm told some sort of walkout is scheduled for this Sunday, in hopes of sullying my good name.

You aren't the first to take on we Fords, you know. We had plenty of experience handling walkouts by the likes of you back in those glorious union busting 1930's. Have a look, and take heed, you socialist heathens...






To be honest, I wish my footballers hit as hard as Ford's union busting goon squads. But never you mind. Just remember, when you dare to take a stand against a Ford, or my Detroit Lions, you are asking for trouble. I can dish it out, believe you me.

Plan on displaying a "Fire Millen" sign? Wearing a bag over your head? Leading anti-Lions chants? Organizing the crowd in protest? All in a stadium with MY NAME above the entrance?

Not on my watch!

I'm not some doddering, clueless, alcoholic, senile old fool, as some dumb ass blogger might have you believe. You do not want to piss me off. If you do, expect to be greeted as warmly as those unamerican, communist UAW organizers were in those wonderful pictures above.

You know, we don't have to be enemies. Please, quietly enjoy your time at Sunday's game. Root for the Lions, buy lots of trinkets, drink plenty of beer. That makes me happy. But don't you poor son of a bitches dare take me on with a walkout. You'll live to regret it...

Buy American! Go Lions!

William Clay Ford

PS: You want me to fire Matt Millen? Over my DEAD BODY! Now go die in a fire.

A walkout in protest of Matt Millen? Good luck, as you are going to need it

The annual fan protest against Matt Millen and the Detroit Lions will be this coming Sunday, on Christmas Eve. A fan walkout is scheduled at the 8 minute mark of the 2nd quarter. Head over to Detroit Sports Snobs and Fire Millen for the details.

More power to them, as I've been quite vocal in my disgust with Millen as well. (Just look at my sidebar) Unfortunately, the walkout is nothing more than an exercise in futility, ultimately destined to fail, probably miserably.

Using a walkout as the method of protest leaves me wondering, as the Lions still get your money. It's not hitting William Clay Ford in the pocketbook, which would be the only thing he would notice. If the game is close, which is a distinct possibility considering the protest is to happen so early in the game, and the Bears have absolutely nothing to play for, I doubt many fans are going to just up and leave Ford Field.

If they do leave en mass, that's great. I just don't see people pissing away their hard earned money by walking out of a game that is a little more than a quarter over. To be brutally honest, I know I wouldn't.

Another factor working against this year's protest is that I don't see the same righteous outrage this season. The emotions that boiled over in the last few games of the 2005 season just isn't there anymore. Lions fans have been so furious, for so long, that they have nothing left.

Last year was the flash point. We had the rallying cry of the original "Fire Millen" protester being chased throughout Ford Field, then tackled by security, during the Vikings game last December. The iconic images were broadcast worldwide, "Fire Millen" became an national phenomenon, and lit a fire locally that finally cumulated with the "Millen Man March" and the "Orange out" during the last home game of '05.


But when all was said and done, what did the "Millen Man March" actually accomplish? Not much of anything, as the Fords did nothing, the Lions are even worse off, and the incompetent boob is still in charge. If anything, the fan revolt caused the Fords to dig in their heels, and become more resolute in their unwavering support of Matt Millen.

So this year, I get a totally different vibe from the Lions' fanbase. Not one of acceptance, or even indignation, but of inevitability. There a sense of hopelessness surrounding the Lions, that nothing we fans do will make a lick of difference to the blue blood that is William Clay Ford. He's a modern day Marie Antoinette. Ford will tell the Lions' blue collar fans to eat their proverbial cake, and like it.

Many of us, myself included, have moved on from being angry, and are now apathetic. The last few games have shown us as much. The crowds at Ford Field are beginning to thin, there is no energy or life in the building at all. Even the players have noticed. You can't even get a hearty "Fire Millen" chant going anymore. And that may be what finally brings down the Millen regime. Not protests, or walkouts, but fan apathy.

Apathetic fans don't spend money, and they don't show up for games. It's happened here before. For those too young to remember, the Lions of the mid-late 80's, the Darryl Rogers era Lions, were almost as bad as the Millen led Lions. It was one of the lower ebbs in Lions history. What finally caused Ford to change directions wasn't the constant losing, but an empty Silverdome. There were games towards the end of the Rogers debacle when the Silverdome was less than half full. 35,000 attendance in an 80,000 seat stadium got the attention of WCF damn quick. It ushered in the Wayne Fontes era, but that's another post...

That's why I don't see another protest accomplishing much of anything. A walkout of a few hundred on Sunday won't cause Ford to even blink. I honestly believe that he couldn't even pretend to give a shit about the fans, even if his life depended upon it. As for the incompetent boob, Millen wouldn't resign when the fans were in open revolt last season, so I seriously doubt another protest will make him change his mind.

Like the protesters, I hope to God that Millen gets the ziggy at the end of the season. If he does, it won't be thanks to fan protests. It'll be due to the fact that Ford will finally get it through his thick upper crust skull that Millen is a moron when it comes to running a football team. Or if Ford Jr. stages a coup d'état. I doubt either happens after this season.

To those that plan to protest though, I do wish you good luck. Keep tilting at those windmills. As Robert Browning wrote, "Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?”

Coaching term or masturbation euphemism?

What can you say about yesterday's Lions' loss that hasn't already been said before? Not just this season, or the Millen era, but for decades upon decades. For that matter, we've seen this same type of loss over and over and over, a Lions fan version of Groundhog Day.

From the awful clock management, strange play calling, bad penalties, refusal to even consider a QB change, to the lack of any sign of improvement, can it be any more obvious that Sgt. Marinelli is in over his head? If anything, the Lions have regressed over the last several games.

At least the Sarge has given us a new quote to hang our hats on.

Just as Bobby Ross spewed "I don't coach that stuff," signifying the beginning of his breakdown, and Marty Mornhinweg could never live down his moronic "The bar is high," the Sarge came up with his own platitude in today's presser that just may come back to haunt him.

"I'm stirring the cement."

He claims to be building a foundation, thus the cement analogy. Unless my mind is in the gutter, it sure sounds more like a euphemism for masturbation to me. As does "Building a foundation," for that matter.

Now whenever Sgt. Marinelli may say that he's "Slapping the helmet," "Tackling the dummy," "Going for it on 4th down," "Giving hands-on-training," "Ironing out the wrinkles," "Practicing for the big game," or "Pushing Shaun Rogers," we'll know that the Sarge is obviously "Master of his Domain."

That's all well and good, but I'm just not so sure Marinelli has mastered the art of head coaching.

The NFL is full of feel-good stories...

Unfortunately, the Lions are normally on the wrong end of those stories.

For example...

Jeff Garcia, when he QB'ed the Lions last season, looked old and broken down. He was washed up. Stick a fork in him, he's done. This season, after stepping in for an injured Donovan McNabb, Garcia has led the once stumbling Eagles on a 3 game winning streak. They are now on the verge of a wild card playoff berth. Garcia just may have saved the Eagles' season.

Dick Jauron, the Lions interim head coach after Steve Mariucci got canned, was run out of town on a rail. He was never considered for the Lions gig. This season, Jauron had led the Bills out of the AFC East cellar, has them at 7-7 in the tough as nails AFC, has turned around the career of JP Losman, and is 5-2 in their last 7 games.

Joey Harrington...Well I don't need to describe his travails as a Lion. This season, after replacing the injured Dante' Culepepper in Miami, Harrington is 5-5 as the Fish's starter, and spanked Detroit hard on Thanksgiving.

The Lions needed a QB after it was decided that Harrington was never going to make it in Detroit. Drew Brees was available, but never seriously considered. The Lions went in another direction, signing both Jon Kitna and Josh McCown, and between the two, felt they felt they had stabilized the QB position. On the other hand, the lowly Saints broke the bank for Brees with even blinking. This season, Brees leads the NFL in passing yards, having thrown for over 4200, and has led the Saints to that promised land called the playoffs. Brees is also one of the top candidates for league MVP, deservedly so. Kitna leads the league in turnovers, and excuses. McCown has played, but only as an emergency receiver.

Notice how the Lions are never on the other end of these kind of stories? When the Lions sign players, rather than step up their game, they rest on their laurels and collect very large paychecks. Shaun Rogers, Damien Woody, Rick DeMulling, Fernando Bryant, and Kalimba Edwards come to mind, to name a few that are still on the Lions roster.

I think we can describe the Lions thusly...

The Detroit Lions, driving their fans crazy, yet making the rest of the league feel good, for over 50 years.

William Clay Ford and Matt Millen: A meeting of the feeble minds

We have not heard from either William Clay Ford or Matt Millen in months. Is Millen on thin ice? Will WCF make a change? No one seems to have an answer.

Something is finally happening, though. Word is leaking out, via the NFL Network's Adam Schefter, that there have been "High level evaluation meetings" between the two, in regard to the future of both Millen and the Detroit Lions.

TWFE just happens to have a transcript of one such meeting...

William Clay Ford: //zzzzZZZZzzzz//

Matt Millen: Sir? Mr. Ford? Sir?

WCF: //WHEEZE//

MM: Uh, Mr. Ford? You awake?

WCF: //drool//

MM: Jesus H Christ, he's been into the Chivas again. I didn't want to have to do this...

WCF: //HACK//

MM: I just gave Marinelli and Martz 5 year extensions.

WCF: //WHISTLE//

MM: Guaranteed.

WCF: WHAT THE BLAZES?! JEEVES! Where in the GOD DAMN HELL is my scotch?! Now what's this about extensions?! To a communist?!

MM: That's Martz, not Marx, sir. Ahh, you're awake now sir. I need to talk to you.

WCF: Is that you Russ? Now what? Is that ass Karras giving you a hard time? Is he wrestling again? Or is he in deep with the bookies? How much is it going to cost me to bail his Greek ass out of trouble this time? Get Rozelle on the horn!

MM: Rozelle? But..

WCF: Ever since "Paper Lion," Karras has been an arrogant asshole, gone all Hollywood. Letting that socialist pinko Plimpton into training camp was the dumbest thing I ever did. Well, save for the Edsel. Why did I think that strange ass looking car would sell? Hank the Deuce, that fucking prick, has been rubbing my face in it ever since. Did I, or did I not, ask FOR MY SCOTCH?! Fucking help isn't worth a damn anymore, Russ.

MM: Yes, the help sucks, sir. But..It's me sir. Not Russ Thomas, may he rest in peace. It's Matty Millen. You know, the guy with square head and the 'stache? The GM of your Lions?

WCF: Didn't I have this discussion with some small time bogger already? I had him shot, you know. And no one manages my loins!

MM: LIONS! DETROIT LIONS!

WCF: Well why didn't you say so, Russ? Damn, I need a drink. Fuck, I'm out of Chivas. JEEEVES!

MM: Um...Yeah. Anyway sir, I wanted to talk to you about your football team. It's been a rough season, and I wanted to explain why we lost to the Vikings on Sunday, and why the Lions are 2-11.

WCF: My footballers lost to the Vikings again? What's the big deal, we've never been able to beat them damn Nordic sumbitches. I think that damn Bud Grant feeds them Lutefisk, Russ. Nasty stuff. Screw the Vikings. I thought you had something important to talk about. I'm not worried, though.

MM: Not worried?

WCF: Not at all, Russ. I have good feelings about our hiring Joe Schmidt as the head coach of my footballers. He says to expect big things from some kid named Landry, that's he's the next coming of that drunk hick, Bobby Layne. And he likes that darkie, the running back who always bugging me about a car dealership, what's his name? Barr? Farr? Carr? I gave him a dealership franchise just to shut his ass up. Wait till he finds out its on the bad side of 8 Mile! HAR!

MM: Sure, Mr. Ford. Anyway, we've had a ton of injuries. The head coach, Marinelli, has been making some rookie mistakes. We've had some bad breaks. From the outside, things look bleak. But coach Marinelli says we're "THIS CLOSE" to turning the ship around, and winning some games, sir.

WCF: Close to Marinelli? Close to a wop?! So Karras has mob ties, eh? Roselle is going to be PISSED! HAR!

MM: MARINELLI! MARINELLI!

WCF: Stop yelling Russ! I'm not deaf, you know. Don't worry, I'll order you some marinara sauce with lunch. JEEVES! If that damn scotch isn't here soon, I'm going to call J. Edgar! He owes me a favor, Russ. He likes the fellas, you know. Damn fairy. HAR!

MM: Uh, right. Anyway, the media is asking for you to make a decision as to my future with the Lions. They want you to hold me accountable for my 23-70 record.

WCF: The media wants me to talk? Balderdash! Fuck them media liberals! I can have Cronkite taken out with one phone call, Russ. One. Nobody tells a Ford what to do! NOBODY! Especially Liberals! JFK tried, look what happened to him. Get it, Russ? HAR!

MM: Got it, sir. So my job is safe? You aren't going to ask for my resignation?

WCF: You'll have a job as long as I'm around, Russ. And I don't plan on going anywhere other than to the bank. And the whorehouse! HAR! So don't worry about anything Russ, you have a job for life. Just let the footballers take care of themselves, the Lions are a license to print money. And don't ever shave the 'stache.

MM: Never, sir.

WCF: JEEVES! Scotch me, post haste! Russ, my bunions are acting up. I need a foot massage. No one gave them as well as the Fred Flintstone looking character that used to hang around here. Fontez, or some such. You'll have to do.

MM: Yes sir. I love my job, I love my job.

WCF: Not bad, Russ, not bad. Jeeves! Scot...//ZZZZ//SNORT//

Technorati Tags: Detroit Detroit+Lions Matt+Millen Ford NFL football

Inside Millen's brain: Checking the email

What's in my inbox today? I hope it's not another "Win or else" memo from Junior. I just delete those without even reading them. Come on, what's the point? Let's see... Ooooo, what's this? A questionnaire? I LOVE questionnaires! Let's get started...

1. FIRST NAME? Fire

2. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? A documentary about people who sell paper products, "The Office." I try to base my management style on what I've learned from watching Michael Scott. He's BRILLIANT!

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? When I said goodbye to my pal Joey. He was like a stepson to me.

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I like my chicken scratch. It's taken years to perfect a style of signing X's.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Anything with "Loaf" in it. Meat Loaf, Olive Loaf, Loaf Loaf.

6. KIDS? I don't own any billy goats.

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I'm my own best friend, and I have an extra special relationship with my right hand...

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? No, I don't subscribe to the Wall Street Journal. There's not enough pictures, and no comics! But I do read those things called bloggers. A dirty shameful habit, I know.

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Sarcasm? Is that an ointment? If so, I use it in my jock quite a bit, stops the itching.

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS: All 3 of them.

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No, but I'll jump to conclusions. Why else would I have signed Bill Schroeder?

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I love Tony the Tiger, so I'll say Fruit Loops.

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I never learned how. It's my cross to bear. Velcro is my best friend.

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Strong smelling, maybe.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Brown. But sometimes I like pink and white with it. It's called "Napoleon."

16. SHOE SIZE? That's kind of personal, don't you think?!

17. RED OR PINK? Pink's a pretty good singer, but isn't she really a blonde? I don't understand. Anyway, I never liked Simply Red. But Red Ryder was pretty good. Country singer Red Sovine was sappy, though. I mean, "Teddy Bear?" Sappy. OK, Pink.

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My wide receiver fetish. I need a 12 step program.

19. WHAT IS THE MOST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? There's much too many to say accurately, but I'll say my modesty.

20. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? I was soooo sad to hear that Joe Paterno passed away on the night before the Michigan-tOSU game. I flew into Happy Valley for the memorial, and there was no one there, though. Go figure.

21. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Only if they send money with it. In unmarked bills. Serial numbers must be non-sequential. 10's and 20's only. Leave it behind the dumpster at the Allen Park facility. Please label it "BIG BAG FULL OF MONEY!" so I'll know which one it is.

22. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? I can't find my pants. Shoes? I'm wearing Charles Rogers' cleats, as they were never used. They're all white, but there's a whole bunch of black on them, so I can only see small white stripes.

23. LAST THING YOU ATE? An entire box of Crayolas. Thought it was candy. My bad.

24. IF YOU WERE A CAR, WHAT KIND WOULD YOU BE? Well, since I work for the Fords, I'd have to say a I'd be a Fiso. You know what I'm talking about, those trucks with "F150" on the fender? that's spells "Fiso," right?

25. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My next head coach, John L. Smith. That's just between you and me, got it?

26. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? If they are wearing pants. John L's were quite nice.

27. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO U? I thought this was from that nice Nigerian dude who said was going to make me rich. Damn. $100K of William Clay's cash down the drain. But I think I can get the money back without him finding out, as someone just sent me an email saying I won the UK National Lottery! I really am lucky!

28. FAVORITE DRINK? I love "The Pina Colada Song!" Remember it? "I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain, I'm not much into health food, but I'm into champagne." So I'd have to say my favorite drink is Margaritas.

29. FAVORITE SPORT? Prank calling Mooch.

30. EYE COLOR? Twinklely.

31. FAVORITE FRUIT? Johnny Morton.

32. FAVORITE FOOD? Olive loaf.

33. SCARY MOVIE OR HAPPY ENDING MOVIE? Happy ending! Whee! Wait, we are talking about massages, right?

34. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIE THEATER? A documentary about a prison football team, "The Longest Yard." It was really good. You have the phone number for the Mean Machine QB? He showed he was pretty damn talented in that documentary, and between you and me, the Lions need a little help.

35. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? I can't find my shirt. I think they are with my pants. Where are my pants?!

36. SUMMER OR WINTER? Both are lousy names for a chick. I like Beulah.

37. HUGS OR KISSES? JoePa kissed me once. ONCE.

38. FAVORITE DESSERT? The Sahara.

39. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? My buddy Marty Morhinwheg. He's funny. I gave him his start, you know...

40. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I think Junior bugged my phone, and has people observing me from black stealth Fiso's. But I'm wearing my tin foil hat, so they may not be able to read my mind. So I'll say Steve Mariucci.

41. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Do coloring books count? They do! Then, a coloring book with some connect the dots thrown in. It's so hard to stay between the lines, and the dots do confuse me...But I do my best. I really like to make clouds.

42. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? My mouse. Duh.

43. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? That's a stupid question. I sat on the couch, not on the TV!

44. FAVORITE SOUNDS? "With the first overall pick of the NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions take..." I've been longing to hear that for 6 years! I think I'm going to actually be able to hear it in 2007!

45. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Happy Valley. It's a scary and strange place.

46. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? Evaluating the talent of football players. I can find the worst ones better than anybody in the NFL!

Famous last words from Rod Marinelli: "Kitna's the starter next year"

I just don't get the Sarge. Either he's clueless, stubborn, hard-headed, insane, loyal to a fault, or a combination thererof. There's is no other explanation for his blind devotion to Jon Kitna as the Lions' starting QB. Such loyalty would normally be commendable, if it wasn't so self-destructive to the Lions chances.

Doesn't he see the interceptions? The fumbles? The bad reads? THE 10 LOSSES?

I'm not going to say that Kitna is the sole reason for the 10 losses. In fact, Kitna has played well, quite well, at times. Those times being in the 1st thru 3rd quarters. But in too many games he has become a 4th quarter turnover machine, Sunday's Patriots loss being the latest example.

Kitna would be a nice QB on a team that can surround him with good talent. On the free of talent Lions though, Kitna is rapidly becoming a liability. At least 2 losses can be directly attributed to his poor late game play. Kitna, and his 4 th quarter collapses in Minnesota and New England, was the main culprit in both those losses.

In 8 of the Lions' 10 games, Kitna has had 2 or more turnovers. In 7 games, Kitna has more turnovers than TD passes.

That's not a recipe for winning football. But it is Lions football as we've come to know and despise.

The Sarge has put all his eggs in Kitna's basket. When your 2nd string QB is getting on the field only as the number 3 receiver, which is laughable in itself, it's blatantly obvious that Marinelli wants Kitna under center, come Hell, high water, blitzing linebackers, or pissed off Millen haters.

It's that kind of strange decision making that makes me wonder if the Sarge is the Lions long term coaching solution.

The Lions have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs after Sunday's loss. We all know that the season was over long before then. So why not see what you have in Josh McCown or Dan Orlovsky? They couldn't be any worse than Kitna, right? I'm sorry, I lost my head for a sec. We are talking the Lions, they could definitely be worse.

Even if he benches Kitna, and either Orlovsky or McCown play badly, it's not as if Marinelli's job is in jeopardy. If Millen is retained as GM, God forbid, it's a foregone conclusion that the Sarge will be back in 2007. If Millen gets the ziggy, then it doesn't make much difference what happens on the field, as Millen's replacement (Please God, let it happen) will want his own man on the sidelines.

Despite that, the Sarge has dug in his heels, and will go down with the Kitna led ship.

The beat writers say that the players like Kitna because of his toughness, that's he's a "Gamer," the antithesis of Joey Blue Skies. You'd think they'd rather have a QB that didn't fold like a cheap card table late in games.

As the losses continue to add up, it seems like the Lions have become good at least one thing. Taking blame for defeats.

Marinelli continually says that he's to blame, that it's all on him. Kitna said that Sunday's loss was all his fault. That's all well and good, but it doesn't change the fact that the Lions are sinking fast, and are on the fast track to the NFL's number 1 overall draft pick.

Upon which the Lions will draft Brady Quinn, and then convert him to WR. Because Jon Kitna, is entrenched as the starter.

The BCS breaks hearts every year. Unfortunately, this season it's the Wolverines turn

As an unabashed fan of the Michigan Wolverines, for reasons we are all aware of, "cough BCS cough," I'm not happy today. I will say that I'm not upset with the Florida Gators, or their fans, as I'm sure they would have the same exact feelings as Wolverine fans do today. The BCS was going to ream somebody, it was the Wolverines' turn this season. Michigan joins USC, Auburn, and Oregon, as schools that were left standing at the championship game altar by the BCS.

But there are others that truly deserve our scorn.

Gary Danielson: When did he become a paid shill for Florida and the SEC? His performance during the SEC Championship made the best carnival sideshow barker jealous with his Gator hyperbole. He came off more slanted and biased than Beano Cook was when talking about Ron Powlus' 3 Heisman trophies or the greatness of JoePa. On Saturday night, the SEC had, for all intents and purposes, a paid advertisement on CBS for 3 + hours, with Danielson channeling Ron Popiel...

"It slices, it dices, it wins fluky games! Order now, and we'll throw in a BCS Championship game at no extra cost! Your ballots are standing by, VOTE NOW!"

Danielson did his damnedest to pimp the Gators to the BCS voters. As it turned out, it was one HELL of a sales job. I'm sure he'll get a nice bonus from the SEC.

Urban Meyer: The Gators' coach is damn near as slick as Cheatypants McSweaterVest. As good as a football coach Meyer might be, he makes an even better lobbyist. The running of his mouth continiously for the last 2 weeks, saying that a Michigan - tOSU rematch would be a farce, and that his team was more deserving, paid off in spades. I think Florida was made # 2 by the voters just to shut his whiny ass up. Otherwise, he wouldn't have let up with the"Woe is us" attitude till next September.

The Big Ten: If there ever was an event that should drive the staid Big 10 into making significant scheduling changes, and possibly changing it's makeup, the shuffling of Michigan out of the BCS #2 spot could be the straw that breaks the camels back. Florida had 3 extra weeks to impress the voters, let alone being able to play in a title game. Move the schedule to where U of M meets tOSU after Thanksgiving. Play the extra out of conference game after the tOSU game. Add a 12th team, go to a 2 division setup, and have a championship game. Anything to keep Big 10 teams in the eye of the pollsters. One thing is certain, Michigan not playing, while USC and Florida had the national stage unopposed, gives much credence to Kirk Herbstreit endorsed "Out of sight, out of mind" theory. It's time the Big Tenleven to enter the 21st century.

Harris poll voters: A motley crew of loons, used-to-bes, never-weres, and no-nothings with an agenda, pure and simple. Their vote for Florida was more of a vote against a UM - tOSU rematch, than a vote for the Gators. I thought the BCS was supposed to allow the #1 and #2 teams to meet, not what teams the voters think is "More deserving." If you'd watched either team at all, you'd see that Michigan has played better, more consistent, higher quality ball than Florida. Unfortunately, the moldy Harris voters have been watching "Matlock" reruns instead.

Division 1 college presidents: D1 football is the only college sport without a playoff. The schools are sitting on such a HUGE cash cow. A D1 football playoff would make the NCAA basketball tournament look like the NIT. The networks would back up to NCAA HQ with Brinks trucks full of cash. But no, the school presidents would rather stay with a convoluted, arcane, outmoded, and outright silly way of selecting the top 2 teams in the country. You'd think the heads of these schools of supposed higher learning would know better. Goes to prove that being book smart doesn't make you street smart.

FOX: Their BCS selection show was just plain awful, with a decided slant against the Rose Bowl. As soon as I saw that they had cameras in Gainesville, I knew that Michigan would be left out in the cold. And what's with those poor, clueless souls in Boise? Fill an arena to hear that BSU would play the Sooners? Must have been a damn slow night in Idaho. FOX may not be quite so happy to have the BCS rights when they saw the matchups. The most entertaining game will be the Michigan-USC Runner-up Bowl, which will be televised by ABC, thank God. Never thought I'd say that about the Rose Bowl, but that's what FOX's money has brought upon us.

One thing to keep in mind. Next season, it may be the team that you root for that gets shafted by the BCS. What it all comes down to is that a D1 football playoff makes too much sense for it to ever happen.