Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Lions 2007 season is over before it even begins

For better or worse, we live in an NFL nation, so today's announcement of the 2007 NFL schedule is BIG news.

Fans of every NFL franchise are thrilled by the thought of a new season. The schedule gives them reason for hope. Hope that the Super Bowl is within their team's grasp. This is true for every fanbase, save for one. Just one. Which fanbase am I talking about?

The fans of the Detroit Lions.

We Lions fans expect the worst, then hope that the worst comes through, so that Matt Millen finally gets his inept ass fired.

Last year I said the Lions season was over after week 2. Now that I've looked over the new schedule, I can say with confidence that the Lions 2007 season is, before it even begins, over.

Here's this Lions fan's look at the upcoming season debacle.

1. Sunday, September 9 at Oakland Raiders - Detroit never wins on the West coast. Jamarcus Russell runs wild for rushing 3 TD's. Josh McCown, traded by the Lions to the Raiders in the offseason, throws for 2 more. 0-1

2. Sunday, September 16 MINNESOTA VIKINGS - One of the few games that look winnable, and the Lions are actually favored to win by Vegas oddsmakers The Lions never win those kind of games. Vikes win easily. 0-2

3. Sunday, September 23 at Philadelphia Eagles - Lions can't handle a healthy Donovan McNabb, thanks to their lack of any kind of pass rush. 0-3

4. Sunday, September 30 CHICAGO BEARS - Can the Lions beat the defending NFC champs? Yeah, right... 0-4

5. Sunday, October 7 at Washington Redskins - The Lions haven't won in D.C. since Roosevelt was in office. Teddy Roosevelt, that is... Bet the farm on the 'Skins. 0-5

6. Sunday, October 14 *** BYE WEEK *** - Plans for this season's fan revolt beigns in earnest.

7. Sunday, October 21 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS - Chucky outcoaches Sgt. Marinelli, Lions fans scream for Marinelli's scalp. He gets a contract extension instead. 0-6

8. Sunday, October 28 at Chicago Bears - Lions rarely win on the road. Period. Even when Rex Grossman is under center for the opposition. 0-7

9. Sunday, November 4 DENVER BRONCOS - Jay Cutler has his coming out party, has a career game, and shreds the Lions D, while some running back you've never heard of runs for 150 yards. 0-8

10. Sunday, November 11 at Arizona Cardinals - Matt Leinart has his coming out party, has a career game, and shreds the Lions D, while Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin run unmolested through the Lions defensive backfield for 5 TD's. 0-9

11. Sunday, November 18 NEW YORK GIANTS - Giants will be in total disarray, as the team will be in open revolt against Tom Coughlin. During the week Coughlin tells NYC media that the Giants WILL make the playoffs. They begin their stretch run by pounding the Lions. 0-10

12. Thursday, November 22 GREEN BAY PACKERS - There's a common misconception around the country that the Lions play well on Thanksgiving. Have you seen how badly the Lions have played on Turkey Day during the Millen era? 0-11

13. Sunday, December 2 at Minnesota Vikings - Late season road game, and the Vikes will be playing their asses off as they are in contention for a wild card. The Lions will be going through the motions, locking up the number 1 pick of the 2008 draft. 0-12

14. Sunday, December 9 DALLAS COWBOYS - Tony Romo fumbles every extra point snap, makes no difference as the Lions go for 2 when down 4 in the 4th quarter. The fans experience deja vu as the "Bobby Ross Maneuver" fails miserably, and the Lions lose when they are unable to convert on 4th and goal at the end of the game. 0-13

15. Sunday, December 16 at San Diego Chargers - The Lions never win on the West coast, part II. LaDainian Tomlinson sets a new single game NFL rushing record. 0-14

16. Sunday, December 23 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS - Chiefs will be in contention for a playoff spot. The Millen era death watch is in full bloom, what's left of the Lions' fanbase show up wearing Chiefs colors. Larry Johnson breaks Tomlinson's single game rushing record. 0-15

17. Sunday, December 30 at Green Bay Packers - This is Brett Favre's last game with the the Pack, as he has already announced his retirement + The Lions haven't won at Lambeau since Bush the elder was in office = Lions have no chance in Hell of winning, and are the first team to go 0 for the season. 0-16

After the season, Matt Millen gets another contract extension.

And Lions fans die a little more inside...


  1. mikeyanagita4/11/2007 5:12 PM

    You are stupid if you think Russell is capable of 3 rushing TDs. The guy runs a 4.8.

  2. FYI, Bill Parcells doesn't coach the Cowboys anymore.

  3. I can't believe I did that, I totally forgot that the Tuna had retired. Thanks. As for Russell, you must not have seen the bizarre ways the Lions find to lose games. Stuff like that happens to them all too often...

  4. Big Al, I hope I don't steal any thunder you were planning on sharing with the people, but congratulations on getting to pick for the Lions in Awful Announcing's Sports Blogger Mock NFL Draft.

    How cool is that? I'm flush with envy.

    Don't go trading that pick! (Go to AA for an explanation on what I mean by that.)

  5. A 4.8 is the 40 time Chuck Rogers ran the last time he tried out for a team. I wonder if that's faster or slower than his 40 oz time...

  6. JP is awesome. He will take your sister to the back room