TWFE talks to William Clay Ford: 3 yards and a cloud of PFFFT!

It's been quite some time since TWFE last interviewed the owner of the Detroit Lions, William Clay Ford. With the Lions in the news for all the wrong reasons, I had the rare opportunity to chat with Mr. Ford recently. What follows is the transcript of our discussion.

The Wayne Fontes Experience: Hello? Mr. Ford? HELLO?!

William Clay Ford: HACK...ZZZZZZZZZ...Must bust the union...ZZZZZZZ.

TWFE: Uh, Mr. Ford? You awake?

WCF: SNORT...ZZZZZZZ...Archduke Ferdinand must die...ZZZZZZZZ.

TWFE: Mr. Ford? Hello? You alive?

WCF: DROOL...ZZZZZZZ...The Kennedy's are socialist bastards....ZZZZZZZZZ.

TWFE: Mr. Ford, the Dow dropped 504 points today!

WCF: ZZZZZZZZZZZ...THE WHAT? THE WHO? The Dow? The HELL you say? Jeeves, crank up the Flivver! Bring me my blunderbuss! We need to kill my stockbroker, pronto!

TWFE: Uh, the stock exchange has been closed for a few hours, sir. I'm sure he's left for the day. I'd like to ask you a few questions, can you kill him tomorrow?

WCF: Closed? But I'm a FORD, GODDAMMIT! I'm part owner of one of the most powerful companies in the world!

TWFE: Sir, Ford Motor is losing cash and market share hand over fist, and might have to go to the U.S. government for a bailout.

WCF: Bullshit! We Fords would NEVER go begging to those Communists in Washington! That town's been going downhill since Roosevelt was in office!

TWFE: FDR?

WCF: Who? Of the "bend me over and call me Nancy" New Deal? Of course not, boy! That other Socialist Roosevelt, Teddy! I'll show him some rough riders...Anyway, we'll just ramp up the building of trucks and those suvvies! Stick 300 horses under the hood, and they'll FLY out of showrooms, believe you me! Who in their right mind would buy a tinker toy Jap or Kraut car? What the fuck is a Datsun? A piss ant roller skate, that's what! Who buys cars with funny ass names? I know the auto marketplace, just like I know football! I own a team, you know. JEEVES! Where's my blunderbuss?!

TWFE: Suvvies? They're called SU...Uh, sure. Whatever you say, Mr. Ford. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about your football team.  There's some problems back in Detroit.

WCF: God damn straight there's some problems in Detroit! It's full of darkies and socialists! My what?

TWFE: Your football team, the Detroit Lions. I wanted to ask you about them.

WCF: Well, why didn't you say so, boy! How's my boy Russ Thomas? Russ is so damn cheap, he could squeeze blood from a bumblebee nickel. He's my kind of GM! He isn't signing any of those commies or Yippies or Black Panthers, is he? HACK.

TWFE: No, sir. Matt Millen...Uh, I mean Russ...hasn't signed any White or Black Panthers to my knowledge.

WCF: JEEVES! SCOTCH ME! He better not have, or there's Hell to pay! I'd have to talk to Rozelle, you know, set things right. How is Pete, boy?

TWFE: Dead.

WCF: Good! Never liked Rozelle's commie ideas, anyway! Revenue sharing this, and parity that! Merge with the AFL he says! It's the future, he says! Bullshit! I don't want anything to do with those pass happy sons a bitches! HORK. I tried to buy NBC, just so I could yank those football anarchists off the air! Fucking GE got 30 Rock instead. The forward pass...PFFFT! Football is meant to be played 3 yards at a time, boy. A cloud of dust, and all. Who said that?

TWFE: Woody Hayes?

WCF: You know your football almost as well as I do, boy! Ol' Woodrow's a great American, yes sir! Took no shit from nobody, especially that Bo Shemmybencher character at that Communist enclave in Ann Arbor. How is Woody?

TWFE: Dead.

WCF: What about Shemmybencher?

TWFE: Dead.

WCF: Boy, you depress me. What the Hell did you want, anyway?

TWFE: To ask you about the Lions. You know, the Detroit Lions?

WCF: What about the Lions? I own them, you know. Make me a shit ton of cash, boy. A shit ton. JEEVES! My blunderbuss and my scotch! Chop, chop! And bring me a CUBAN! SNORT.

TWFE: Cigar?

WCF: Did I SAY cigar? Damn, can't find good help these days, boy. That's why I'm glad I have my boy Russ back in Detroit! He writes the best contracts. Did I tell you to get free agency, Ron Jessie had to give me his first born, his right nut and a blow job, just because Russ put that in his contract? Brilliant!

TWFE: But what about the team today? They are 0-2, and are the worst team in the NFL.

WCF: And? Is Tiger Stadium filled up every Sunday? JEEVES! Make it a NICARAGUAN instead!

TWFE: Cigar...Nevermind. They play at Ford Fiel...Um, the last 7 years have been sellouts, Mr. Ford.

WCF: You know how much my football team is worth?

TWFE: Forbes says it's north of $800 million.

WCF: You know how much I paid for the Lions? HUUUUR.

TWFE? $4 million?

WCF: HACK! I paid that much? What was I thinking? Must have been the cheap scotch. Who knew? Anyway, that's an ROI of...of..Hell, that's a shit ton of cash, boy! JEEVES! I'm tired of talking! Get this...this..who the Hell are you, anyway?

TWFE: I'm a Detroit blogger, Mr. Ford.

WCF: A bogger? What the fuck is that?

TWFE: I write for the internet.

WCF: The inter-what? You're making this shit up! JEEVES! Get me my blunderbuss so I can get Mr.Bogger of the inter-what out of my house! HUUURK. Scotch, dammit! And a JAMAICAN!

TWFE: I'll see myself out, sir. No need to get up...or use your gun.

WCF: JEEVES! I need my...my...my...ZZZZZZ...Daddy said Hitler was right...ZZZZZ...DROOL.

William Clay Ford speaks to the media. TWFE translates

On Thursday, Lions owner William Clay Ford spoke to the media about the upcoming season. If you really read between the lines, you could translate just what the crotchety old octogenarian was actually trying to say.

About the 2007 season: "I'm usually optimistic anyway going in. But I think this year really will be a little bit special."

Translated: How special? As in riding the short bus to school "Special." As in having to wear a helmet when leaving the house "Special." As in the bad ass FoMoCo legend "Hank the Deuce" talking about his "Special" little brother, William Clay.

This is "Hank the Deuce," the legendary Ford brother who successfully ran Ford Motor Company for 35 years , doing so with an iron fist. Henry Ford II is the Ford that should have owned the Lions...

To keep him from meddling in the family car business, Hank's little brother, William Clay Ford, was given the keys to enter the NFL kingdom, and ran the Detroit Lions, rather than Ford Motor, into the ground.

In regard to NFL HOF bound tight end Charlie Sanders: "He's just one of those rare people that you wish you had more of."

Translated: I like Col. Sanders, and his crispy Kentucky fried Chicken. Who is this Charlie? Is he the Tuna?

About Matt Millen: "Faced a learning curve."

Translated: Matty's "Special," just like "Hank the Deuce" thought I was!"

On the former coaches: "Millen didn't mesh with his first two head coaches -- Marty Mornhinweg and Steve Mariucci -- but found a partner in Marinelli."

Translated: "Matt will be marrying Marinelli. Marty and Mooch spurned his advances.

On the team's new attitude: "I think before it was based a lot on raw skill and potential, period. And I think now you add character to that and a desire to play football, and they've got to have that or we don't consider them."

Translated: I just said a whole lot of nothing clichés that Marinelli likes to use, you try and make sense of it. I can't.

On losing 13 games: "I had confidence in Millen and Marinelli even as the Lions went 3-13 last season."

Translated: No one else will work for me. I'm stuck with these 2 losers.

On the Millen & Marinelli pairing: "I could see right off that they were compatible, and to me that was very, very important. I know Matt's philosophy. As the year went on, I got to know Rod much better and I could see where they would mesh. You don't want to break up a combination like that."

Translated: They're really cute together. How could I fire them? When they talk football "Philosophy" though, I have to go talk to my portrait of "Hank the Duece." He thought I was "Special," you know.

On the rumors that Millen was going to get the ziggy: "I don't know where those originated. I sure never said anything even approaching that -- or if I did I didn't mean to."

Translated: I wanted to fire Matty? Really? I'm old and senile. I don't remember what I say from minute to minute. You expect me to remember if I threatened to fire Matty last year?

Why no "Vote of confidence" statement for Millen?: "I didn't say, 'You're safe, don't worry about it,' in so many words. But by the same token, I never intimated to him that he wasn't safe. It was business as usual."

Translated: I never fire anyone. Why start now?

On Millen saying he would never quit: "He may have. It wasn't a big issue, because that really wasn't in my plans. He well may have, but I can't remember any occasion or verbatim talk that we had about it. Yeah, I think your premise is correct."

Translated: I told you I can't remember what I said a minute ago. If you told me that Tommy Hudspeth was still coach, I'd believe you. Is he still coach? And why am I inducting Col. Sanders into the hall of fame?

Is the reason Millen is still here is that you like him?: "It's possible. But I think if you like somebody and you believe in the same things that they believe in, I don't know what other yardstick to put against it."

Translated: I think Sting said it best...

If you love somebody
If you love someone
If you love somebody
If you love someone, set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free

Or was it Celine Dion?

There's nothing that you cannot do
I believe I believe I believe in you

The reason there's no magic number, win-wise, for Millen: "We obviously have to show tremendous improvement. I think it'll be plainly visible to all of you whether or not we're making the progress I keep saying we're going to make or hoping we're going to make."

Translated: Hey, 6 wins is 2X more wins than last season. Isn't winning twice as many games good enough for you ink stained wretches, and the revolting fans?

On why he believes Jon Kitna, and his 10 win prediction: "I'm always an optimist before the season starts and you've got high expectations. When the team doesn't live up to it, you're very disappointed.

Translated: I like it when they tell me what I want to hear. I'm too old, feeble, and rich to care if they lose.

Why he doesn't think about past failures: "Thank goodness I can put that behind me and look forward. If I dwelled on the past, I'd shoot myself. Really, I've never felt that way. But if I were a fan, I could understand it."

Translated: I'm aware the fans want me dead, but I don't know how to use a gun, and Jeeves wouldn't pull the trigger.

TWFE behind the scenes: William Clay Ford closes the deal with Cory Redding

Does it concern anyone else that the Detroit Lions made Cory Redding the highest paid defensive tackle in all of football? The Lions now have massive amount of cap room tied up in 2 areas, wide receiver and the D-line.

Redding has never been mentioned as an elite player at his position. Not by the experts, the media, fans, anyone. He's coming off of a career year, but will Redding continue to play at a level worthy of big money? Let alone all of the cap space...

It remains to be seen, but I'm not all that confident about anyone the Lions deem worthy. They've done so well with long-term contracts in the past... If you believe that, I have a mint Mustang II to sell you.

To me, the most interesting bit of Redding signing was that the old man, the Lions owner himself, William Clay Ford Sr, spoke to Redding, convincing him to re-up with the Lions.

Quoth Mr. Ford, "HAAACK..Who's Cory Redding?"

In fact, TWFE has obtained a transcript of that conversation...

Cory Redding: Hello?

William Clay Ford: //HACK//

CR: Uh, hello? Who's there?

WCF: //HAAAAAACK// //COUGH//

CR: I was told that Mr. Ford would be calling. Is that whom I'm speaking to?

WCF: //PHWEE// Who's calling me? Matlock's on, dammit! You know where can I get seersucker suits like Matlock's?

CR: Uh, sir, you called me. What suits?

WCF: Suit! SUIT?! Who's suing me! Some God dammed Pinto owner? Bullshit! I had no idea that the gas tanks were made out of aluminum cans! I was just making a joke to the engineers about that, I had no idea they would take me seriously! //WHEEZE//

CR: Wha...

WCF: Who am I talking to? Some ambulance chaser?!

CR: Cory Redding, sir. I play for your Lions. I'm a defensive tackle.

WCF: Attorney for the defense? Like Matlock?

CR: I'm not Matlock, or a lawyer, Mr. Ford.

WCF: //HACK// Damn. So what the Hell do you want, Tory?

CR: My agent was negotiating a long-term contract with Matt Millen. I'm not sure that I want to stay in Detroit though. I was told that you personally wanted me to sign, Mr. Ford. That's nice, but I want what's fair. It's not like a want Mike Vick money.

WCF: What about a Crown Vic? I"m not signing off on anything! //SNORT// I thought we already paid off those police departments because of all the exploding Crown Vics! Or was it Pinto owners we paid? Christ, what did they expect when they bought such an cheap ass shitbox of a car?

CR: To be safe while driving?

WCF: Don't be a smartass, Dory! After all the bloodsucking lawyers, and the shitbox Pinto owners, it's a wonder I have only a billion or three to my name. //HACK// Don't get me going on the Bronco lawsuits. It's a God dammed TRUCK! They have a high center of gravity! They roll sometimes! Christ, Matlock would have gotten Ford off the hook! //HORK//

CR: Sorry to hear that, but sir, about my contract? With the Lions?

WCF: //HUUURRR// Talk to Russ Thomas, he handles the footballers.

CR: Who's he?

WCF: Russ Thomas is only the best damn general manager in the NF of L. He could can turn a profit turning a strike season, that's how good Russ is! He turns out a great balance sheet. And when it comes to contract time, that SOB could get blood from a stone. Or from Mel Farr...

CR: Sir, who's Farr? And what about my contract?

WCF: //HUUURK// Farr? Just the best quarterbacker my footballers ever had, that's who!

CR: That's nice, but about my contract...

WCF: What contract? Why am I talking to you? Jeeves! JEEVES! I need a Chivas, this guy doesn't know his ass from a Granada. Nice car, the Granada.

CR: Sir, I just want what is coming to me. A fair contract.

WCF: //HAAACK//Rory, you sound like a nice kid. Russ will take good care of you. Tell him that you can have your little raise. You guys are playing a 14 games season now, I guess we can give you a few extra bucks for 2 more games.

CR: Uh, sure thing, Mr. Ford.

WCF: One more thing, you tell Coach Hudspeth that he's doing a good job! //SNORT//

CR: Who is...Oh, um, sure thing, Mr. Ford.

WCF: //WHEEZE// I have to get back to Murder She Wrote, that Jessica Fletcher is the bee's knees.

CR: I'm now rich, but it can't be worth all this shi....

WCF: //HORK// What's that, boy?

CR: Thank you, Mr. Ford.

When SI.com prints your email, can you consider yourself a published author?

Just to toot my own horn somewhat, the short letter I sent in response to Michael Silver's NFL owner rankings was published as part of his follow up column. Hey, at least I made the top of page 4.

Silver's column inspired my own post about Ford's ineptitude on 7/2. I boiled my post down to a pithy, 6 sentence, note to Silver. Surprisingly, he thought enough of my calling him "Nuts" to print it.

Here's my 10 seconds of online stardom...

"William Clay Ford isn't the worst owner in the NFL? With all due respect, I have to ask, are you nuts? Ford is the worst owner in NFL history. This says it all about the Ford era. The Detroit Lions have won just 1, count 'em, 1, playoff game since WCF became the sole owner of the Lions in 1964. The only thing Ford has brought to the Detroit fan base is pain."
-- Al Beaton from Detroit

Hmmm. Maybe those 'Fire Millen' signs were directed at the wrong honcho.

Detroit Lions fans get slapped in the face once again

As I was absentmindedly sorting through my RSS feeds, I stumbled across the latest column from SI's Michael Silver, in which he ranks the NFL owners, 1 thru 32.

Interesting enough column fodder, but the main reason I checked it out was to see where our own doddering octogenarian, William Clay Ford, Sr., ranked. Ford has to be last. He just has to be, right?

Wrong.

29. William Clay Ford (Bill Ford Jr.), Lions

Which genius auto magnate is responsible for the disaster in Big D? That depends on whom you talk to -- though I'm told that Ford Jr., if he had his way, would have fired team president Matt Millen long ago. Either way, there's no disputing that this franchise runs like the Edsel.

He spends the next paragraph bitching about the lack of punishment Lions organization gave to the dunk driving, naked, fast food eating, o-line coach. Local bloggers endlessly hashed over Naked Coach during the regular season. Whatever. Hell, Ford probably has no idea who Naked Coach is, and that he works for him. But I digress...

After reading the blurb, I had to ask, whom does Silver think is calling the shots with the Lions? Reading from Silver's POV, it appears that he thinks it's Junior, not Senior, calling the pitiful shots. Looking back at the last several seasons of ineptitude, I'd say the Lions are still WCF Sr's baby.

Why even bother listing Junior, as for all intents and purposes, he hasn't been involved in the Lions daily operations for quite some time. Considering the dire financial straights of the family cash cow, FoMoCo, saving the family's name, and more importantly, their FoMoCo stock, has demanded Junior spend his time dealing with that unfortunate ongoing fiasco.

And if Junior had any real say in his inheritance, the incompetent boob running the Lions' front office would have been fired a couple of seasons ago. No, the Lions are Senior's play toy, and I don't think you can dispute that fact.

Nevertheless, ranking either Ford as only the 29th worst owner in the NFL is a slap in the face of several generations of Lions fans.

This is whom Silver thinks are worse owners...

30. Ralph Wilson, Bills
31. Tom Benson, Saints
32. Mike Brown, Bengals

Not exactly great company, to be sure. Say what you will about their current state of affairs, Ralph Wilson and the Brown family both have reached multiple Super Bowls. For that matter, neither team has ever reached the long-term depths of the Lions.

The Saints have had more than their share of issues during Tom Benson's ownership tenure, (Wanting to abandon the NO fanbase after Katrina was despicable) but going into the 2007 season, the Saints may be the best team in the NFC.

As for the Lions?

Every Lions fan knows, and laments, the following fact, and it says it all about WCF Sr, and his awfulness as an owner.

Since William Clay Ford, Sr became sole owner in 1964, the Lions have won just 1, count 'em, 1, playoff game.

It doesn't get any worse than that. It can't get any worse than that. If that fact wasn't so painful, it would be hilarious.

Ford isn't just the worst owner in the NFL. He's the worst owner in all of sport. In fact, Ford is the worst owner ever, alive or dead. Ford has reached, much like his GM, historic levels of ineptitude.

The Lions have a bad roster, and worse, that roster is full of braggadocio. The front office is even worse yet. The fanbase is so far past being fed up, they've given up. The fans have backlashed against the Lions for so long, and so hard, to no result, they don't care anymore.

The NFL is the most powerful, most watched, and most influential sports league on the planet, yet Ford has made the Detroit NFL franchise irrelevant in the local, and national, sports landscape.

To steward am NFL franchise to total and utter irrelevancy takes a special owner. "Special" as in riding the short bus while wearing a helmet special.

William Clay Ford, Sr has given one*, and only one, thing to the Lions fans. Pain. Lots and lots of pain.

*Other than Ford Field, which is wonderful.

William Clay Ford and Matt Millen: Draft day strategy

Matt Millen: Dammit, I should have known. He's deep into the Chivas. Here we go again.

William Clay Ford: //drool//

MM: Mr. Ford, sir? I'm here to speak to you about the upcoming NFL draft.

William Clay Ford: //whistle//

MM: Sir? SIR? MR. FORD?!

WCF: //snort//

MM: MR. FORD! THE DRAFT!! THE DRAFT!!

WCF: //wheeze// Huh? Wha?! DRAFT?! What about the God damn draft?! I have an exemption! I'm 4 fucking F, my daddy took care of it! World war my ass! I'm not going to war to support that damn socialist Roosevelt! I couldn't give a shit if some Archduke has been shot! Scotch me, Jeeves! Damn communists are ruining this country! Next thing you know, we'll be dropping the gold standard!

MM: THE NFL DRAFT, YOU DAMN DEAF ASS OLD COOT! Uh, um...That came out wrong, sir. I meant to say, I'm talking about the NFL draft, Mr. Ford.

WCF: Oh, it's you, Russ! How's things with my footballers? You still don't have that drunk alcoholic Texan playing quaterbacker, do you Russ? He's giving my Lions a bad name, with all the late night carousing and whoring! That won't do. That won't do at all. We need another QB, Russ.

MM: No, Mr. Ford, I'm not Russ Thomas, I'm Matt Mill...Whatever you say, sir. Anyway...We traded Bobby Layne in 1958, Mr. Ford. Jon Kitna is our QB now. The coaches all agree that Kitna is their man for next year.

WCF: Who? Johnny Kika? Sounds Jewish to me! You know that won't do, Russ. We need a real quaterbacker, not some jewboy. Now what about this so-called draft. Sounds like a good way to get my footballers a new quaterbacker. OK, it's settled.

MM: Settled? But...

WCF: We'll draft a quaterbacker, as long as he isn't a hippie, a jew, or a colored boy.

MM: Sir, I've talked with the coaches, and we all agree. We're quite happy with our QB situation. We want to take a lineman with our first pick.

WCF: A lineman? A LINEMAN?! //hack// //spit// Christ almighty Russ, what in the HELL are you thinking?! Are you on the drugs? Linemen don't sell tickets! I told you, we NEED a quarterbacker. You're driving me to drink, Russ. JEEVES! SCOTCH! NOW! OR I'M CALLING IMMIGRATION!

MM: But, but, but...Sir, the last time you told me to specifically take a QB, we ended up with Joey Harrington. He set back the franchise 5 years! We became a league laughingstock! We need to build from the inside out, sir. We like Joe Thomas, a offensive tackle from Wiscons...

WCF: A TACKLE!? Didn't you hear me? No one buys tickets to watch some lard ass! You are NOT drafting a..a...TACKLE LINEMAN! That settles that. Now tell me Russ, who are the best quaterbackers coming out of the university system?

MM: There's two QB's that are at the top of our draft board. A stud kid from LSU, Jamarcus Russell, and...

WCF: Jamar-who? Did I hear that right? JAMARCUS? He a colored boy?

MM: Uh...Well...

WCF: Russ, you know that's not going to work. We all know that the coloreds are lazy. It's common knowledge that quaterbacker is too difficult of a position for the coloreds. I WILL NOT have a lazy colored boy as my quarterbacker! Case closed! Now where's my scotch?

MM: I don't know where your scotch is, sir. Since we now don't like Russell, the next QB on the board is a kid from Notre Dame...

WCF: Notre Dame? Are you talking about Hourning? Paul Hourning is available?! 23 skidoo, now there's a clean cut young man! And a Heisman winning Notre Dame lad to boot. He's going to sell lots of tickets, Russ! Say what you will about those damn Catholics, but they sure can produce good footballers! That's who you're drafting, Russ. No ifs, ands, or buts. Discussion over. Now have a drink. GOD DAMMIT! JEEVES, I HAVE IMMIGRATION ON THE PHONE! SCOTCH! NOW!

MM: No sir, his name is Brady Qui...Oh Christ, I give up. Yes, sir. I can draft Paul Hourning for the Lions.

WCF: Now that's what I like in my general manager. A yes man. That's why our family business is doing so well, Russ. What we Fords say, goes. You best remember that, Russ.

MM: Yes, sir. Can I have that drink?

WCF: That's the spirit, boy! //snort// Scotch is the nectar of the Gods, you know. JEEVES!

MM: I hate myself...

Who should the Lions hire once Matt Millen gets the ziggy?

Bill Cowher, that's who.

Just read on, and you'll see my logic.

The longer that William Clay Ford remains silent, the more it appears that we Lions fans will have to put up with at least one more ugly year with that incompetent porn 'stached boob, Matt Millen, and his hand-picked failure of a head coach, Rod Marinelli.

The MSM is assuming that Millen surviving past this horrific season is close to a done deal. The reason being floated out of Allen Park is that firing Millen would leave Marinelli a lame duck coach, and that just wouldn't be fair to the Sarge. There is a caveat, though. That being that the Lions will have to show a vast improvement in 2007, or else. The "Or else" will mean that there will be a total housecleaning in Allen Park, from the incompetent boob on down.

Since the odds of the Lions being anything more than 4 or 5 win team in 2007 are short, I think iit's safe to say that the Lions will finally be rid of the buffoon and his 3 ring circus in January 2008.

In Pittsburgh, the rumors are rampant as to the future of Steelers head coach, the Super Bowl winning Bill Cowher. Yesterday, Cowher spoke to the press, and announced that he'll give a statement in regard to his future as soon as next week.

With a statement like that, it sure sounds like Cowher has already made a decision, and is just waiting for the end of the season to announce that he is leaving the Steelers. As Dan Shanoff said this morning...

My bet is on retirement, temporarily. TV cred in '07 and a big raise with another team in '08 is his future.

Why would Cowher spend a year in the broadcast booth? The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette article has the answer...

If Cowher steps down, he could not coach elsewhere in 2007 unless the Steelers granted permission, which is unlikely. He would be free to coach elsewhere in 2008.

So, if the Lions keep their current course, Millen and Marinelli will be toast after the 2007 season. On the other hand, Bill Cowher will be out from under his Steelers contract after the 2007 season, and become available to take over another NFL organization.

The Lions will have a huge front office and coaching void to fill. The biggest coaching free agent in the 2007 off season will be Bill Cowher. Seems like a match to me...

In yesterday's post, I quoted Terry Foster. As you remember, Foster believes the Lions fanbase is unwilling to make a sacrifice, one big enough one to force a regime change. Well, here's the chance to prove Foster wrong, and where fan sacrifice and pain comes into play.

The sacrifice being we'll have to suffer through one more awful season of Millen. That year will allow him to fully hang himself, and give WCF more than enough reason to can Millen's sorry ass.

After the inviteable 10+ loss season, Mllen, the drunk naked fast food loving line coach, crazy ass offensive coordinator, the "Coach 'em up" head man, the entire coaching staff and front office, they all will get the ziggy. The Lions will then be in the market for a "Football" man. Say, for example, a Bill Cowher?

You might think that the Lions getting someone as capable as Cowher at the helm is a pipe dream. But the Fords, amazingly enough, have a good reputation in NFL circles. Just why is that? WCF is known as being a hands-off owner, will sign off on generous long term contracts, and give his people more than enough time to prove, or hang, themselves. The Millen era is proof positive of that...

That's why the Lions, even though they will have been bottom dwellers for close to a decade by the close of the '07 season, will have a shot of getting Bill Cowher.

Offer him complete control over personnel and a big money 5+ year deal, and Cowher may just bite.

Cowher has the winning pedigree of a quality organization, obviously has the talent, and the force of will that the Lions organization desperately needs.

Bill Cowher, Detroit Lions head coach and GM. Sounds good to this long suffering fan.

Will it happen? Could it happen? Stranger things have...

The MSM does the math: The Lions continue to lose + I'm still a fan = The losing is all my fault

I watched the Detroit Lions - Chicago Bears game on Christmas Eve, for several reasons. I was curious to see how successful the fan walkout would be, and if the NFL's mouthpiece, FOX, would mention anything about the fan backlash here in Detroit. The GF was preparing for later in the day, when we would be heading to her parents for dinner, and I needed to stay out of her way. I had a third place game in the blogger league against Twins15, the man in charge of "Thank You Brian Sabean," and "Complete Sports," and I had both Roy Williams and Mike Furrey in my starting lineup.

But what was the main reason for me to watch a meaningless game? Despite the Lions current state of suckitude, I'm still a fan. Through very little thick and way too much thin, I'm a fan of the worst run franchise in sports.

That's the great thing about fandom of any kind, that there isn't much logic to it. The Lions have, for lack of a better term, shit all over us for decades. For most of my life, the Lions have done nothing but heap disappointment upon disappointment. Yet I remain a fan of the Honolulu blue and silver. I'm not going to be "Lions free," as some sports rant radio hosts encourage.

That doesn't mean that I'm happy with how the Lions have been, and currently are being, run. In fact, like most of you, I'm furious! I'm vocal in my frustrations. That's why Terry Foster's Detroit News blog post after Sunday's game made me absolutely incensed.

Foster says that the Lions current state of awfulness is the fault of the Lions fanbase. He claims that we, the fans, won't make the sacrifices needed that would encourage William Clay Ford to make a change.

The sad thing is more bad days are coming and you will be partly to blame because you are not willing to sacrifice. Fans won't give up their season tickets. They won't give up a Sunday afternoon and they won't even leave a meaningless game early to send a message to the Lions and Ford family.

What a load of bullshit. Total and utter bullshit.

First off, reports from people who were there, and judging from the FOX camera shots, Ford Field was full of Bears fans. Those were seats that, for the most part, were bought from Lions fans who decided they had better things to do. My Lions season ticket holding brother in law, who drops a good sized wad of cash for 4 seats, was one.

He attended all of 2 games this season. The rest of his tickets, he sold off. He is not at all happy with the Lions current direction. So he doesn't go to many games. But in Foster's mind, he's an enabler, he's a fault. Weird logic, if you ask me.

Here's a line from Foster that really bothers me.

The fans anger hit a boil when rumors began to circulate that the Lions plan on bringing Millen back.

"Hit a boil?" The anger has long boiled over, and has since boiled away. Where was Foster 12 months ago? Last season's protests, the "Millen Man March" and the "Orange-out," were the high point of fan frustration. The walkout protest, while a worthwhile endeavor and generating national attention, was flawed from the start.

Between the stadium being full of Bears faithful, the difficultly in having fans who paid their hard earned dollars for tickets to just up and leave, and the general lethargy of much of the Lions fanbase who think that nothing they do will make a difference to the Fords, led to a walkout that the media said didn't live up to the (media generated) hype.

Reports varied in the size of the protest, from 100 to 500. Thus, Foster says the walkout "Failed."

Foster's throwaway comments was more knee-jerk media bullshit. So thousands didn't up and walk out. That's not the point. The walkout generated tons of local and national MSM attention, made the AP wire before and after the game, and was a topic of conversation for weeks. To me, that's a resounding success for a grass roots, internet based, loosely organized, protest.

Foster goes on to say the following...

You are all talk and no action. So you get what you deserve. When the Lions are struggling through more 5 and six-win seasons you are partly to blame. You keep waiting for the Calvary to come in and save the day. Folks I got news for you. They ain't coming. You will have a losing season next year too. The Lions are going to break this thing up again before they become a playoff contender.

So to say I deserve this, that I'm to blame for the ills of the Lions? That pisses me off to no end.

First off, only the most blindly faithful and deluded would believe that the Lions are close to having a winning record. Second, to call out Lions fans by calling us "All talk and no action" is totally unfair.

Just read the blogs and message boards, listen to the radio. No one is supporting the Lions and Millen at this point. No one. Take away the Bears fans, and you have a half empty stadium. Factor in the protests of the past 2 seasons, and I think that is a fairly proactive fanbase, one that is more than "Just talk."

I think what raised my ire the most in Foster's post was that it was coming from someone who doesn't have to pay his way into a game. Games that we fans pay a high price, figuratively and literally, to attend. Foster chides us for being fans, the same fans that allow him to make a very good living writing and talking about something we obviously care about dearly.

Foster is clearly ripping us for caring about the Lions. Yet he'll spent 4 hours a day, 6 days a week, whipping us into a frenzy, talking about those same Lions on WXYT. Seems to me that is someone who is talking out of both sides of his mouth.

Thing is, I can't just shut off my Lions fandom. I'm sorry, but it doesn't work that way. Just as I couldn't stop being a Tigers fan despite their 2 decades of mediocrity, or stop rooting for the Wings during the "Dead Things" era.

Like any true Pistons fan, I despised Micheal Jordan, his caddy Pippen, and the Chicago Bulls, while the Pistons were having some lean years. Root for Jordan? After he rudely dissed the Bad Boys Pistons? Never.

I grew up during the Pittsburgh Steelers dynasty, and the years where the Dallas Cowboys were considered "America's Team." But I wasn't ever a bandwagon fan, cheering for the "It" team of the moment. I remained, steadfastly, for rarely better and often worse, a fan of the Lions. I'm not, nor will I ever be, "Lions free."

Bandwagon fans, those that can switch allegiances at will, are in my mind, the lowest of the low.

So when it comes to the Lions, I'm pissed at what's happened to them. But to rip me for remaining a fan, for continuing to watch a team I've rooted for since childhood? That's just thoughtless bullshit from someone who just doesn't get it.

An open letter to Detroit Lions fans, from William Clay Ford

From: The Throne of William Clay Ford
To: The Lions ticket holding communist rabble
Re: A word of warning

Let's get one thing perfectly clear. I could care less about you, and you despise me. But I'm richer than God, so what you think, to be blunt, means dick. But that's neither here nor there.

I'm hearing from my moles that some of you lower class, blue collar, union sympathizing socialists are planning an attempt to embarrass me and my football team with a so-called "Protest." I'm told some sort of walkout is scheduled for this Sunday, in hopes of sullying my good name.

You aren't the first to take on we Fords, you know. We had plenty of experience handling walkouts by the likes of you back in those glorious union busting 1930's. Have a look, and take heed, you socialist heathens...






To be honest, I wish my footballers hit as hard as Ford's union busting goon squads. But never you mind. Just remember, when you dare to take a stand against a Ford, or my Detroit Lions, you are asking for trouble. I can dish it out, believe you me.

Plan on displaying a "Fire Millen" sign? Wearing a bag over your head? Leading anti-Lions chants? Organizing the crowd in protest? All in a stadium with MY NAME above the entrance?

Not on my watch!

I'm not some doddering, clueless, alcoholic, senile old fool, as some dumb ass blogger might have you believe. You do not want to piss me off. If you do, expect to be greeted as warmly as those unamerican, communist UAW organizers were in those wonderful pictures above.

You know, we don't have to be enemies. Please, quietly enjoy your time at Sunday's game. Root for the Lions, buy lots of trinkets, drink plenty of beer. That makes me happy. But don't you poor son of a bitches dare take me on with a walkout. You'll live to regret it...

Buy American! Go Lions!

William Clay Ford

PS: You want me to fire Matt Millen? Over my DEAD BODY! Now go die in a fire.

A walkout in protest of Matt Millen? Good luck, as you are going to need it

The annual fan protest against Matt Millen and the Detroit Lions will be this coming Sunday, on Christmas Eve. A fan walkout is scheduled at the 8 minute mark of the 2nd quarter. Head over to Detroit Sports Snobs and Fire Millen for the details.

More power to them, as I've been quite vocal in my disgust with Millen as well. (Just look at my sidebar) Unfortunately, the walkout is nothing more than an exercise in futility, ultimately destined to fail, probably miserably.

Using a walkout as the method of protest leaves me wondering, as the Lions still get your money. It's not hitting William Clay Ford in the pocketbook, which would be the only thing he would notice. If the game is close, which is a distinct possibility considering the protest is to happen so early in the game, and the Bears have absolutely nothing to play for, I doubt many fans are going to just up and leave Ford Field.

If they do leave en mass, that's great. I just don't see people pissing away their hard earned money by walking out of a game that is a little more than a quarter over. To be brutally honest, I know I wouldn't.

Another factor working against this year's protest is that I don't see the same righteous outrage this season. The emotions that boiled over in the last few games of the 2005 season just isn't there anymore. Lions fans have been so furious, for so long, that they have nothing left.

Last year was the flash point. We had the rallying cry of the original "Fire Millen" protester being chased throughout Ford Field, then tackled by security, during the Vikings game last December. The iconic images were broadcast worldwide, "Fire Millen" became an national phenomenon, and lit a fire locally that finally cumulated with the "Millen Man March" and the "Orange out" during the last home game of '05.


But when all was said and done, what did the "Millen Man March" actually accomplish? Not much of anything, as the Fords did nothing, the Lions are even worse off, and the incompetent boob is still in charge. If anything, the fan revolt caused the Fords to dig in their heels, and become more resolute in their unwavering support of Matt Millen.

So this year, I get a totally different vibe from the Lions' fanbase. Not one of acceptance, or even indignation, but of inevitability. There a sense of hopelessness surrounding the Lions, that nothing we fans do will make a lick of difference to the blue blood that is William Clay Ford. He's a modern day Marie Antoinette. Ford will tell the Lions' blue collar fans to eat their proverbial cake, and like it.

Many of us, myself included, have moved on from being angry, and are now apathetic. The last few games have shown us as much. The crowds at Ford Field are beginning to thin, there is no energy or life in the building at all. Even the players have noticed. You can't even get a hearty "Fire Millen" chant going anymore. And that may be what finally brings down the Millen regime. Not protests, or walkouts, but fan apathy.

Apathetic fans don't spend money, and they don't show up for games. It's happened here before. For those too young to remember, the Lions of the mid-late 80's, the Darryl Rogers era Lions, were almost as bad as the Millen led Lions. It was one of the lower ebbs in Lions history. What finally caused Ford to change directions wasn't the constant losing, but an empty Silverdome. There were games towards the end of the Rogers debacle when the Silverdome was less than half full. 35,000 attendance in an 80,000 seat stadium got the attention of WCF damn quick. It ushered in the Wayne Fontes era, but that's another post...

That's why I don't see another protest accomplishing much of anything. A walkout of a few hundred on Sunday won't cause Ford to even blink. I honestly believe that he couldn't even pretend to give a shit about the fans, even if his life depended upon it. As for the incompetent boob, Millen wouldn't resign when the fans were in open revolt last season, so I seriously doubt another protest will make him change his mind.

Like the protesters, I hope to God that Millen gets the ziggy at the end of the season. If he does, it won't be thanks to fan protests. It'll be due to the fact that Ford will finally get it through his thick upper crust skull that Millen is a moron when it comes to running a football team. Or if Ford Jr. stages a coup d'état. I doubt either happens after this season.

To those that plan to protest though, I do wish you good luck. Keep tilting at those windmills. As Robert Browning wrote, "Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?”

William Clay Ford and Matt Millen: A meeting of the feeble minds

We have not heard from either William Clay Ford or Matt Millen in months. Is Millen on thin ice? Will WCF make a change? No one seems to have an answer.

Something is finally happening, though. Word is leaking out, via the NFL Network's Adam Schefter, that there have been "High level evaluation meetings" between the two, in regard to the future of both Millen and the Detroit Lions.

TWFE just happens to have a transcript of one such meeting...

William Clay Ford: //zzzzZZZZzzzz//

Matt Millen: Sir? Mr. Ford? Sir?

WCF: //WHEEZE//

MM: Uh, Mr. Ford? You awake?

WCF: //drool//

MM: Jesus H Christ, he's been into the Chivas again. I didn't want to have to do this...

WCF: //HACK//

MM: I just gave Marinelli and Martz 5 year extensions.

WCF: //WHISTLE//

MM: Guaranteed.

WCF: WHAT THE BLAZES?! JEEVES! Where in the GOD DAMN HELL is my scotch?! Now what's this about extensions?! To a communist?!

MM: That's Martz, not Marx, sir. Ahh, you're awake now sir. I need to talk to you.

WCF: Is that you Russ? Now what? Is that ass Karras giving you a hard time? Is he wrestling again? Or is he in deep with the bookies? How much is it going to cost me to bail his Greek ass out of trouble this time? Get Rozelle on the horn!

MM: Rozelle? But..

WCF: Ever since "Paper Lion," Karras has been an arrogant asshole, gone all Hollywood. Letting that socialist pinko Plimpton into training camp was the dumbest thing I ever did. Well, save for the Edsel. Why did I think that strange ass looking car would sell? Hank the Deuce, that fucking prick, has been rubbing my face in it ever since. Did I, or did I not, ask FOR MY SCOTCH?! Fucking help isn't worth a damn anymore, Russ.

MM: Yes, the help sucks, sir. But..It's me sir. Not Russ Thomas, may he rest in peace. It's Matty Millen. You know, the guy with square head and the 'stache? The GM of your Lions?

WCF: Didn't I have this discussion with some small time bogger already? I had him shot, you know. And no one manages my loins!

MM: LIONS! DETROIT LIONS!

WCF: Well why didn't you say so, Russ? Damn, I need a drink. Fuck, I'm out of Chivas. JEEEVES!

MM: Um...Yeah. Anyway sir, I wanted to talk to you about your football team. It's been a rough season, and I wanted to explain why we lost to the Vikings on Sunday, and why the Lions are 2-11.

WCF: My footballers lost to the Vikings again? What's the big deal, we've never been able to beat them damn Nordic sumbitches. I think that damn Bud Grant feeds them Lutefisk, Russ. Nasty stuff. Screw the Vikings. I thought you had something important to talk about. I'm not worried, though.

MM: Not worried?

WCF: Not at all, Russ. I have good feelings about our hiring Joe Schmidt as the head coach of my footballers. He says to expect big things from some kid named Landry, that's he's the next coming of that drunk hick, Bobby Layne. And he likes that darkie, the running back who always bugging me about a car dealership, what's his name? Barr? Farr? Carr? I gave him a dealership franchise just to shut his ass up. Wait till he finds out its on the bad side of 8 Mile! HAR!

MM: Sure, Mr. Ford. Anyway, we've had a ton of injuries. The head coach, Marinelli, has been making some rookie mistakes. We've had some bad breaks. From the outside, things look bleak. But coach Marinelli says we're "THIS CLOSE" to turning the ship around, and winning some games, sir.

WCF: Close to Marinelli? Close to a wop?! So Karras has mob ties, eh? Roselle is going to be PISSED! HAR!

MM: MARINELLI! MARINELLI!

WCF: Stop yelling Russ! I'm not deaf, you know. Don't worry, I'll order you some marinara sauce with lunch. JEEVES! If that damn scotch isn't here soon, I'm going to call J. Edgar! He owes me a favor, Russ. He likes the fellas, you know. Damn fairy. HAR!

MM: Uh, right. Anyway, the media is asking for you to make a decision as to my future with the Lions. They want you to hold me accountable for my 23-70 record.

WCF: The media wants me to talk? Balderdash! Fuck them media liberals! I can have Cronkite taken out with one phone call, Russ. One. Nobody tells a Ford what to do! NOBODY! Especially Liberals! JFK tried, look what happened to him. Get it, Russ? HAR!

MM: Got it, sir. So my job is safe? You aren't going to ask for my resignation?

WCF: You'll have a job as long as I'm around, Russ. And I don't plan on going anywhere other than to the bank. And the whorehouse! HAR! So don't worry about anything Russ, you have a job for life. Just let the footballers take care of themselves, the Lions are a license to print money. And don't ever shave the 'stache.

MM: Never, sir.

WCF: JEEVES! Scotch me, post haste! Russ, my bunions are acting up. I need a foot massage. No one gave them as well as the Fred Flintstone looking character that used to hang around here. Fontez, or some such. You'll have to do.

MM: Yes sir. I love my job, I love my job.

WCF: Not bad, Russ, not bad. Jeeves! Scot...//ZZZZ//SNORT//

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