A continuing series: My sports pet peeves, part 4

It's still quiet on the Detroit sports scene, unless you consider the possible Pistons signing of Tony Delk big news. HEY! Did you see that? Oh, it just 'Sheed getting T'ed up again... So, I figure it's pet peeve time...

"The Wayne Fontes Experience" presents number 4 in a series. Today's pet peeve: High school sports.

I admit that I'm a former high school jock. That's as far as it went, then it was nothing but rec leagues and the golf course for me. But even as a former high school athlete, I still cannot get into watching a high school game that I either wasn't playing in myself or knew someone close that was involved. Otherwise, I don't get fired up over the high school game. For several reasons.

I never understood the "Friday Night Lights" phenomenon of an entire town getting wrapped up in their local team. And that's coming from someone who grew up in a small town... Who wants to put that kind of pressure on a 17 year old kid? (Don't get me going on pre teens and the Little League World Series)

Also, the same goes here that I said about women and sports. It's just not a very good game when it comes to the style and flow of play. Good competition? Sure. Well played competition? Rarely. And the officiating? Let's not even go there...

Another part of high school sports that bothers me is the specialization of athletes. Not all that long ago, if you could, you played every sport. In my case, fall was football, winter was the hardcourt, and spring was baseball. Or, for that matter, you golfed, ran track or cross county, or wrestled. But you played more than one sport. But I never got tired of playing any of the sports. I see kids today focus on only one sport, 24/7/365. The thinking being, I'm sure, that it'll get them a full ride somewhere. Even with the narrow focus, the odds of your Joe Average getting a D-1 schools interest, are long. I bet, no, I'm sure, that if I had focused one sport, I would have been burned out by the time I was 16. Or turned into Todd Marinovich...

But what I've said so far aren't the main reasons for my disdain of high school sports. the biggest reason comes down to one thing. Coaches. It's always been too much of a coaches game. Too many coaches think of themselves as a martinet, a Bobby Knight or a Bo Schembechler, but without their coaching talent. They coach the fun and creativity right out of the game, and the kids. High school coaches often force their players into a boring style of play, one that doesn't necessarily fit the personnel, just because it's their "System." It's high school, let kids have fun, not run a Wishbone just because it worked in 1974. My buddies and I would always joke when talking about coaches and high school, that if we ever had an opportunity to coach, we'd install the run and shoot, the fun and gun, some sort of wide open offense, just because it'd be a blast for the kids. Much more fun that your typical high school coach whose idea of an wide open offense is running the Veer.

The pressures the coaches put on a kid, or for that matter, a kid places on themselves to play can be enormous. Personally, I can't believe some of the stupid things I did to keep my ass on the field. For me, a constant draining of fluid from the knees and then having Cortizone shots were commonplace. My parents talk of the times I would crawl into the house after a practice because my knee pain was so bad, it was just too much to walk. I lived with ice and heat packs on my legs. Rather than diagnose the problem, the hick doctor in our town would mask the pain. Turns out the major joint pain I had were a symptom of a much more serious disease that would rear it's ugly head later in my life. Which I now deal with daily.

So when I see the explosion of high school sports in the mainstream media, with ESPN broadcasts, McPaper national ratings, and the total absolute hysteria over recruiting, I can only shake my head. We're talking about kids. It's not news, it's only high school, for chissakes...

I have seen the saviour, and thy name is Magglio

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's thrilled that Magglio Ordonez has all but placed the upcoming WBC on the backburner. Untill the Venezuelan pressure becomes overwhelming, anway. Maggs seems committed to becoming the All-Star player he was before his knee and hernia injuries, and he's afraid the WBC will interfere. This may be the best news to come out of Lakeland all spring. That, and the fact that Dmitiri Young weighs less than 3 bills, but that's another post...

If there is one player the Tigers desperately need to perform at an elite level, it's Ordonez. It's been over a decade since the Tigers had a serious power bat in the middle of the order. Think about it. What does an actual, true to life cleanup hitter look like wearing a Detroit uniform? It's been so long, I don't remember. I'm not talking about a Dean Palmer type, who would have been much more effective at 5 or 6 in the order, but a bad ass, clear the bases weapon. Someone who can put up a 35-40 HR's, 120+ ribbies, .900 OPS kind of season. There is only one player on the roster who is capable of those numbers. That someone is Magglio.

Looking back, a long way back, the last truly feared Tiger hitter was Cecil Fielder. The Tigers have had players that put up nice numbers for a year or two since, but no one you would could call a "Presence." We've seen far too many of our share of so-called "Professional hitters." Remember Greg Jefferies, Bip Roberts, Greg Norton, Craig Paquette, Juan Gone? Unfortunately, they were so bad, it would take a spoon dug into the frontal lobe to fully forget them...

For the first time since the those early 90's teams led Fielder, Mickey Tettelton, Travis Fryman, and Tony Phillips, the Tiger lineup looks...formidable? Seriously. If, and that's a big if, their health holds up, (Maggs, Carlos Guillen) a few heads are on straight, (Dmitri Young, Pudge Rodriguez), live up to their considerable potential, (Chris Shelton, Curtis Granderson), and just plain hit as anticpated, (Brandon Inge, Craig Monroe, Placido Polanco) the Tigers should have no trouble scoring runs. But it's Magglio who will make the offense more than just above average.

All the players I mentioned, if they hit 20 dingers, it's a huge season. If Magglio hits 20, we're in for a long 6 months, and out of the race by the All-Star break. Again.

You want to know the most compelling reason I'd love to see Magglio Ordonez have a huge year? It's more than just wanting the Tigers to win, because that's a given. It's not due to the expecations his huge contract brings. So what is that reason? To make Ozzie Guillen shut up and eat a few choice words. There's a man that needs to be knocked down more than a few pegs. You think Maggs is thinking that same exact thing? Trust me, he is...

Mike Martz hearts Joey Blue Skies

Yeah, I know, more Lions. But...This may have been the most encouraging thing I've read about the Lions all offseason. Mike Martz wants to exorcise Joey Harrington's bad karma and start from scratch.

Mike Martz: "We don't audible, not at all. I just want him (Joey) to focus on playing quarterback and not worry about audibles and not worry about protections or where the receivers are. That'll all get resolved, that's my job. I just want him to focus on taking the talent that he has and detailing everything, making sure he understands exactly what to do on every play.".

"He has more talent that I remember him having."

"We're going to strip it down and start all over, from his stance under center. The whole thing,"

If this vote of confidence from Martz is more than just gilding the lilly, could Joey turn things around? We are all aware of Martz's track record, as he's not afraid to remind us... As much as I'd like to see the Lions make a run at Drew Brees, and being 9 million under the cap, they can, the idea of taking that cap space and significantly improving 2-3 other positions is a much sounder way of building a winner.

Right now we are still in the honeymoon phase with Martz. He's saying all the right things, words we fans have been dying to hear, those being, "Joey is good." But is he saying what he truly believes? Is Martz, and Marinelli, for that matter, just slinging the positive BS, just in case their QB search comes up craps? Or do they truly think Harrington is salvagable?

You would think that Martz would love to work his offensive alchemy with a proven man under center, say, a Drew Brees? Is this ongoing Joey lovefest a sign of the typical Martz hubris, thinking he can take any sow's ear and make a silk purse? I can picture Martz telling Matt Millen, "Warner was nothing, absolutely nothing, till I molded him into my perfect QB! Who ever heard of Marc Bulger till I laid my hands upon him! I can do the same with Harrington!" That's a definite possibility, and a big concern.

Considering his track record though, if Martz sees something, anything, in Joey, you want, if not have to, believe him.

I've ragged on Harrington endlessly in this blog. Earlier this week, I called him "The thing that wouldn't leave." And I meant every word of it. But there are so many mitigating factors when it comes to Mr. Blue Skies right now, I'm biting my lip, holding my tounge, and saying that the Lions should keep Joey under center. One more damn year.

Of course another QB is needed. Desperately. That other QB would be Drew Brees in a perfect world that is all happiness and light. Pats and Steelers fans live in that wonderful place, but we don't live in that world. This is the Lions. In the real world, I'd love to see Josh McCown.


But for the time being, Joey is my man. May I live to NOT regret those words...

Goodbye Winter Olympics, hello "Deal or No Deal"

As much as I have ragged on the Winter Olympics, (See here, here, here, and here) I'm saddened to see them come to an end. The Olympics are much like an annoying younger sibling. Even though they may cause much grief, and give one ample opportunites to make fun of them, you find that you miss them when they are no longer around. Let's count down what we all will miss about the soon to disappear Winter Olympics...

1. Those up to the minute reports on the shenanigans of Bode Miller. Now that the world is moving on, Nike must be relieved...

"Hello, this is Nike HQ, Phil Knight speaking. What's that? Bode's drunk off his ass again? Did you just say "Jagerbombs?" He was drinking Red Bull too? Well, that's not so bad. With Absolut? SHIAT! You'd think he's have learned something from that "60 Minutes" fiasco, but noooooo...

Did he win ANY kind of medal yet? Even a bronze? ANOTHER DNF? SONOFABITCH! He's 0 for F'N 5! Who in the HELL signed him? Who gave the greenlight? I want his name! Actually, I want his HEAD ON A GOD DAMN STICK! No, this isn't the same as Reebok's "Dan & Dave" campaign! OK, OK, you're right, it could have been worse. We could be Coke and pushing that lamer Michelle Kwan! Dumb asses...

What's next? Nobody's been watching anyway, so make another prime time ad buy. We're going to ride Bode hard and put him away wet! That's our Bode! Who? For the next winter games? We make skates? Who knew? How 'bout that! So forget that cocky ass Hedrick, go see how much that soul patch wearing kid wants, what's his name...Momo? Popono? What do you mean, Ohno? What'd Bode do now? Ohno? What happened? You said Ohno! Ohno what?! Whatever. Get him signed!"

2. Hot bendy chicks on display in prime time every night. I'll now have to go back to the internet to find them. Such is life.

3. Hockey at 7 am. Much better than waking up to Al Roker, to say the very least.

4. Johnny Weir, quote machine. Any man that says, "It hurts my feelings" whenever he sees a knockoff handbag, well...Can we all just stop pussy footing around the subject and admit the dude is flamingly gay? See you soon Johnny, in "Ice Capades Salute Some Lame Kids Movie."

5. Luge crashes. Speedskating pileups. Snowboardcross pancakes. Alpine skier carnage. NASCAR has nothing on the Olympics.

6. The asinine bleatings of Scott Hamilton, Dick Button, and the rest of their gushing figure skating cronies. It's nothing but consistent comedy gold! "The others only skate to Romeo & Juliet. Sasha IS Juliet!" Sasha Cohen is a suicidal 13 year old Italian? You just don't get that kind of in depth analysis from John Madden.

7. Curling, only the best pseudo sport ever. I'm so fired up about curling that I'm announcing my candidacy to win a spot on the 2010 USA Olympic curling team! What's that? They don't allow beer on the Olympic ice? Beer nuts? What about smokes? Oh, Hell. Forget what I just said...

8. 10 hour tape delays, as what pisses you off, makes you stronger.

9. Bob Costas. You can never give enough air time to short pretentious blowhards. If any of you run into Bob, ask him about "Baseketball," will ya?

10. Apolo Anton Ohno, cause he's just soooo cute. I could just hug him and squeeze him and call him George... By the way, that's not coming from me, but from Johnny Weir..

11. Tanith Belbin. That is coming from me.

12. Those endlessly repeating Bell Canada beaver commercials on the CBC. Because I like...Screw it, feel free to insert your own "Beaver" joke here.

If you think I feel bad that the Olympics are ending and that Nike is thrilled, what about NBC? They must be absolutely disconsolate. For the Peacock Network, it's back to "Fear Factor," Donald Trump, arena football, the "Dew Action Sports Tour," and Howie Mandel hosted game shows.

The touchstones of my lost youth continue to drift away...

Now here at the Rock we have two rules. Memorize them until you can say them in your sleep. Rule number one: obey all rules. Rule number two: no writing on the walls.

Tip one for Don Knotts tonight...

How NOT to fix the Lions

Oakland Press C-list columnist Pat Caputo compiles a list of quarterbacks he believes the Lions should attempt to sign. Keep in mind, most of the players listed haven't even been released by their current teams. Caputo decides to move forward with his wishful thinking of getting a big money QB anyway. But let's move past all that, and check out his list, which is in no specific order, shall we?

Patrick Ramsey - A bigger question mark than Joey Blue Skies. You would be taking a HUGE leap of faith in hoping Ramsey is better than Joey.

Jon Kitna - Hasn't played much in two years. Then Kitna got to play the entire Pittsburgh playoff game, and we all remembered why the Bengals drafted Carson Palmer.

Drew Brees - I'd love to have Brees, but there are consequences. Brees would fry the salary cap, and the Lions would have to cut Joey, so another QB would still be needed. Has Brees recovered fully from his shoulder surgery? We have all seen how well Chad Pennington has played after his shoulder went under the knife.

Daunte Culpepper - Nothing but a pipe dream. He's also coming off of a catastrophic knee injury, let alone the Vikes would be crazy stupid to release the man they decided to keep instead of Randy Moss.

Steve McNair - Save a space on IR if you sign McNair. To say he's consistently injured is being generous. If McNair played behind the Lions line, you'd see his name in the obituaries before the season ended. The Titans are more likely to keep McNair, draft a QB, and look to move Billy Volek instead. If Caputo had said to go after Volek, I may have taken this column a little more seriously. Not much more, but a little...

Josh McCown - Possibly the only sensible thing Caputo said in this column. Not that McCown is close to a sure thing, considering the Cards resigned battered Kurt Warner rather than McCown.

Aaron Brooks - Caputo must be kidding.

Brian Griese - Yep, now I know he's got to be kidding.

Caputo calls Joey Harrington an "Enigma." No arguement here. I'm just as disappointed with Harrington, and the fact that he's going to be given another shot under center, as the rest of you. Probably more so, if you look at some of my previous posts. But take a good look at the above list of QB's that Caputo thinks would be an upgrade. I think a "Fire Caputo" campaign makes more sense than ditching Joey. I'd rather take my chances on Mike Martz molding Joey into a productive signal caller than go with pipe dreams and never-weres.

As a cherry on top of this steaming pile of a column, Caputo throws in three position players he feels are "Impact" players and would be good signings. Now he's really pulling names out of his nether regions...

Ty Law - Sure, Law's coming off a nice year, but he's also going into his 12th NFL season. Law thinks he's worth more than his true market value, and don't forget old corners don't age well in the NFL. Why add another big contract to a defensive backfield that already has Dre' Bly, Fernando Bryant, and Kenoy Kennedy signed to big money?

Eric Moulds - This is an "IMPACT" player? An aging wideout on the downside of his career is just what the doctor ordered. Dr. Jeckyl, that is...

LaVar Arrington - Arrington is an impact player when his head is on straight. According to the Redskins, that isn't all that often. Freelancing linebackers who refuse to follow assignments would be a really good fit with a hard ass head coach like Rod Marinelli, don't you think?

Caputo was a Lions beat writer at one time, so he's deluded himself into thinking he knows what he's talking about. This list proves otherwise. Caputo should stick to writing about baseball, where he still has a little credibility left.

Reading between the lines with Llllloyd Carr

Lloyd Carr speaks! Carr finally broke his long silence and spoke to the media in regard to the firing of both his coordinators. I'm no insider, but I'll do my best to translate Lloyd's coach speak quotes from the article...

"Anytime you have change -- depending on what those changes are -- it creates certainly new blood, and change is part of our world," Carr said Thursday. "It's just the way it is. It's no different in the coaching profession -- change is part of the process."

"Anytime you get pressure demanding heads to roll from the Michigan Mafia -- depending on how old and rich the alumni are -- if you want to keep your job, you fire coordinators. It's just the way it is. It's no different in the NFL, just ask Wayne Fontes how many coordinators he 'Processed.'"

"I'm always prepared for change, or at least I try to be prepared for change, at any position," Carr said. "There were a lot of people outside that were considered, and the people we ended up with were quality in every way."

"I HATE change! Hate it, hate it, hate it. But the Michigan Mafia didn't give me a choice. I didn't look seriously outside the program at all, as I wanted to stay on Bo's good side. There's that 'Michigan man coaching Michigan' thing that he's hung up on, you know? I realize they are retreads, but they are 'Michigan Men' in every way. As a 'Michigan Man' equals quality in Bo's mind, he's a happy man. For the time being."

"There will be significant changes on both sides of the ball," said Carr, entering his 12th season as head coach. "That will unfold in the fall, and hopefully it will be obvious. The most important thing is it translates into performance."

"SIGNIFICANT CHANGES? Umm, yeah, that's why we fired the coordinators, isn't it? Keep this under your hat, but this fall you can expect Mike Hart to carry the ball 40 times a game. That, and more pooch punts. The most important thing is that it translates into somehow beating that fat guy in South Bend and Cheatypants McSweatervest."

"You're changing all the time," Carr said. "Mike (DeBord), if you look, his experiences as a head coach at Central Michigan and being involved in the recruiting the last two years as our recruiting coordinator, he's extremely knowledgeable about our players and their strengths and weaknesses.

"There will certainly be changes, though. I don't think there's any question there will be change" with DeBord. "Philosophically, there are things that are different."

"CHANGES? Uhhh, yeah, I forgot for a sec. Even though our retread offensive mastermind went 12-34 at CMU, despite that Cheatypants McSweatervest guy beating our pants off in recruiting, I'm positive that Debord will find the next Braylon Edwards to enhance his rep with, much like Jim 'I'll always have a job thanks to Charles Woodson' Herrmann."

"You're still asking about CHANGES? I have no question there will be change, as I'm having Debord dust off the playbook from the Griese-Brady era. Philosophically, we're going back to 1997!"

Let's hope my translation is wrong, that the changes at Michigan are for the better. It couldn't be much worse. I just have a bad feeling that installing Debord as OC is much like Alan Trammell coming back to coach the Tigers. Lets bring someone back from the glory days just to buy time and keep the fan base off their backs for a season or two. Thus allowing Lloyd to set up a line of succession. For Lloyd's sake, I hope he has a 10 win season, or it's going to get ugly in Ann Arbor.

Rumors of his death have been greatly exaggerated...

I'm sure you've been pondering, as most of us have, this most important question. "Is Abe Vigoda still alive?"

Yes, Abe Vigoda is alive and kicking...and it's his birthday! The Wayne Fontes Experience wishes a happy 85th to Detective Fish!

Lions, Tigers, Pistons, and Zeke, oh my!

We at The Wayne Fontes Experience wanted to comment on a few subjects that don't rate a full blown post of their own. A little Bill O'Reily style bloviating follows...

The Lions finally decided to slap the franchise tag on Jeff Backus. Backus can't be happy, but for the Lions, this was pretty much a no-brainer. Franchsing Backus will keep him with the Lions for at least another year. Could the Leos do better than Backus? Maybe, but the odds are the Lions would spend more and get someone with a lesser skill set than Backus. His situation is very similar to Joey Harrington's. I'm sure Matt Millen is thinking that it's not a strong free agent class, so let's just stick with what we have for the time being. Better the devil you know, that the one you don't, so to speak. It's hard enough to find capable left tackles as it is, so you do not let them walk without a replacement in hand. Backus may not be a pro bowl talent, but he a solid tackle who never misses a game. The Lions have other positions that require more immeadiate attention via draft and free agency. This move allows them to do so.

Dmitri Young has slimmed down from "Beefcakely Obese" to "Big Boned," and word is the Tigers plan on playing Dmeat at 1st, 3rd, left, and where he should always be when in the lineup, DH. My opinion? When it comes to Dmeat and glove leather, never the twain shall meet. One of these years you'd think the Tigers would realize they aren't playing softball, so you don't need three first basemen / DH's on your opening day roster. Between Dmitri Young, Carlos Peña, and Chris Shelton, the Tigers have two too many, and need to unload at least one. Shelton you don't touch. Young has a bad contract, so you wait till the trade deadline to ditch him when a contender is looking for a heavyweight...bat. So, it's been nice Carlos Peña, but you've teased me with your inconsistent power long enough. It's time for you go. Now.

The Pistons were quiet at the trade deadline, Joe Dumars plans to ride the season out with Lindsey Hunter and Alex Acker as the reserves at point guard. You know my feelings on this issue. As Mr. Horse liked to say, "No sir, I don't like it." But I'll learn to live with it. When I see Billups playing at the end of games when the outcome is no longer in doubt, which has been happening often, I question Dumars' wisdom. They need to get Hunter in a semblance of playing shape and available for 10-12 minutes a game, pronto! I hope we never have to see Acker, other than in garbage time. If he's getting more than 5 minutes a game, there's a major problem. At this point I'll just say, "In Joe I trust."

Speaking of former Pistons guards, at this time I'd like to thank the basketball Gods for not allowing me to become a Knicks fan. It's become painfully obvious that Isiah Thomas is certifiably insane. After the "Stevie Franchise" trade, I don't think anything more needs to be said about Zeke. I never thought I'd feel sorry for Spike Lee and Knick fans in general, but no one deserves the front office genius of Isiah Thomas. As for feeling sorry for Larry Brown? Nah... Suitcase Larry should have taken heed of the old platitude, "Be careful what you wish for, as you just might get it." Boy, did Brown get it.

Figure skating rules of engagement

What's the hottest sports topic on the face of the planet?

The NBA? Other than the outright fixing of the slam dunk pseudo-competition and continuing insanity of Isiah Thomas, there hasn't been much buzz. MLB? Ozzie Guillen is talking out his ass again, but when is that news? It's expected. Hockey? Both North American teams were uncerimoniously dismissed from the Olympic tournament, so other than that the occasional screams of anguish coming from across the border, there's not much else to say.

We are still a few weeks away from college hoop kicking things up a notch. Don't worry, "The Worldwide Leader in Shiat Sports" will be sure to remind you when the confrence tournaments start. As for the NFL? If you like watching sweaty men endevoring (Sorry, Ian) to impress NFL scouts at the combine, it's your time to shine. Otherwise, we are wading knee deep in the Mel Kiper mock draft speculation...

What is scorching hot is the faux sport that keeps the Olympics neck deep in bribe money, women's figure skating.

Unfortunatly, it's impossible to avoid all the skating hype. It's lead story, front page, above the fold news. Damn near the entire planet will be watching chicks skate tonight. So as a sports blogger, with very little to discuss locally, what does one do? You do want to be on the cutting edge of what's hot. And figure skating is on fire. En feugo, so to speak.

Ian, over at his mothership, is in midst of a male crisis. He's been enjoying Sasha, Irina, Emily, Kimmie, Shizuka, and all the female drama that is inherent when you have an arena full of skating divas, and their fawning minions. Now he's rightly concerned if his man card will be revoked.

So, with all the male consternation over figure skating, I've been giving the "Average guy watching chicks skate" conundrum much thought.

So I asked, "What would Brian Boitano do?"

He'd come up with a list of rules, of course.

There is one cardinal, never to be broken, rule. You can only watch women skate. Pairs skating is iffy, but there are plenty of hot chicks, so slack can be cut. You are never, ever allowed to watch men's figure skating. No excuses allowed. Not even for the comedy highlight reel that is USA diva, that "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" to be, Johnny Weis.

Viewing during the Winter Olympics are allowed, as you won't be alone. The World Championships are iffy at best. Best to be on the safe side and we'll say no. As for watching chick-centric tripe (Normallly used as counterprogramming against big time sports) like "Scott Hamilton's Tribute to Peanuts" or "Brian Boitano and Friends Skate to Michael Bolton" you're well past saving and will have your man card shredded on the spot.

Watch with a woman, preferably your significant. You know she'll be in seventh heaven tonight, and you can earn a several "Get out of jail free" points for watching with her. Those come in handy when you come home feeling no pain after a night with your friends, or as the woman would call them, "Partners in crime..."

You must be drinking beer and eating munchies, preferably pork rinds or beer nuts, while tuned in. Wine and cheese will cause you to lose your card. Unless that wine is Mad Dog 20/20 and the cheese has "Whiz" in the name...

Whenever discussing skating, always mention the "Bendiness" of the competitiors. Add a "You know what I mean?" and a wink...

Laugh when Scott Hamilton or Dick Button blurt out a phrase that you can turn into something risque. You know, stuff such as "Look at that marvelous Shoot the Duck position!" "What a sit spin!" "She knows how to work the free leg..." Add an elbow nudge for emphasis.

Do not talk about their "Costumes." There is one caveat. If one of the chicks skates in some sort of "Kate Beckinsale in Underworld" style latex and leather fetish gear, all bets are off.

Listen to the commentator hyberbole carefully, as they are prime time quote machines. You might hear a term or two you can use in a bar. For example, "A toepiece is a dangerous instrument." Definitely something to keep in mind...

You remember the controversy over pervy old guys and their Hilary Duff / Lindsey Lohan / Olsen Twin countdowns to 18? Do your due dilligence and research the ages of the competitors, as you DO NOT want to be "Creepy Guy." Comments about Sasha Cohen and Irina Slutskaya are OK. Those about Kimmie Meissner and Emily Hughes are not. We do not need any more Gary Glitters amongst us. The Pete Townshend "I was just doing research" defense won't work either...

Remember, these are not just guidelines, but hard and fast rules. No exceptions will be made, and may God have mercy upon you if you break them.


As that wise sage Brad Hamilton once said, "Learn it. Know it. Live it."

Now go crack open brew and check out the hot bendy chicks!

Joey Harrington: The thing that wouldn't leave

After spending much too much time over the past week discussing Robert Esche's helmet, Kurt Cobain being a world class luger, the inherent evil of Mel Kiper, Gretsky = Jesus, and the unholy alliance between the media and chick sports, let's talk some sports in the D.

To be specific, Joey Blue Skies. Yes, more Joey Harrington and the Lions. Bitching about our favorite soul crushing team has one feeling much like Michael Corleone in "Godfather III."


"Just when I thought that I was out, they pull me back in..."

Latest from the beat writers over the last couple of days has them reporting that our favorite QB since Scott Mitchell is in line to remain the starter.

Matt Millen: "I think we have our starter, wouldn't you say?"

Millen again : "We do like him and I do think he'll be our guy and that's how we're going to approach it. We're going to approach it that Harrington's our starter and we move forward and coach the heck out of him and we get him into the system and we start the process."

Rod Marinelli: "We all sat down and watched him. He (Martz) sees a lot of really good, positive things from this guy -- a lot of skill, a lot of things that we like."

Is Joey the answer to the QB question? The Hell if I know, but at this point, how many more chances is he going to get? No matter what happens, the Lions just can't get bear to rid themselves of Harrington. Be it hubris, pride, stupidity, hope, loyalty, cap hit, the lack of a clue, general principle, or to just keep we fans pissed off, there's something that won't allow the Lions to move on. So you know what that tells me?


When the world comes to an end, all that will remain are the cockroaches and Joey. It won't be the meek that inherit the earth, it'll be Joey Harrington. Who will survive the apocalypse? Mr. Harrington of the Lions. Whom will Conan O'Brian predict to be the Detroit signal caller "In the Year 2000?" Harrington. Who will Marty McFly find under the Lions center when he goes "Back to the Future?" Mr. Blue Skies himself. Joey Harrington is Dorian Gray in Honolulu blue and silver.

You might be familiar with the Zager and Evans song "In the Year 2525." What you didn't know is that the song originally was not about an apocalyptic future, but actually based upon the career of Joey Harrington. Zager and Evans' original lyrics follow...


In the year 2525
If Joey is still alive.
If the Lions can survive, they may find....

In the year 3535
Ain't gonna need to tell the media, tell them no lies.
Everything Joey thinks, does and say, is in the game you lost today.

In the year 4545
Ain't gonna need your helmet, won't need your eyes.
You won't find a football to throw.
Nobody's gonna trade for you.

In the year 5555
Joey's arms hanging limp at his sides.
Your legs got nothing to do.
Some backup doing that for you.

In the year 6565
Ain't gonna need no receiver, won't need no o-line.
You'll pick your running back, pick your tight end too.
From the bottom of a long glass tube. Whoa-oh

In the year 7510
If Millen's a-comin, he oughta make it by then.
Maybe he'll look around Allen Park and say.
Guess it's time for the cut-down day.

In the year 8510
Millen is gonna shake his mighty head.
He'll either say, I'm pleased where Joey has been.
Or tear the Lions down and start drafting again. Whoa-oh

In the year 9595
I'm kinda wonderin' if Joey is gonna be alive.
He's taken everything this old NFL can give.
And he stil ain't won nothing. Whoa-oh

Now it's been ten thousand years
Lions fan has cried a billion tears.
For what Ford never knew,
Now Joey's reign is through.

But through eternal Detroit night.
The twinkling of Ford Field starlight.
So for every game thrown away.
Maybe it's only...

In the year 2525
If Joey is still alive.
If the Lions can survive, they may find....

In the year 3535 {Fade to another 6-10 season...}

Dear Abby has nothing on The Wayne Fontes Experience

New friend of "The Wayne Fontes Experience," Onomatopoetic, came to me with a question in dire need of an answer yesterday. It's a head scratcher involving Team USA goalie Robert Esche and Pamela Anderson's ex, Detroit ambassador Kid Rock.

Onomatopoetic writes,

"I've been watching the Team USA (mens) hockey games, and I thought you might know, or at least make up a fun explanation, for why Robert Esche has this picture of Kid Rock on his goalie mask. Any ideas?"

That's a very easy question, Onomatopoetic...

They're pimpin' buddies!

Much like the Alanis Morissette song "You Oughta Know" is about Detroit's own Dave Coulier, Kid Rock's song "Early Mornin' Stoned Pimp" is about Robert Esche's life in Philly and how Kid Rock met Esche during a search for "Voluptuous" women...

Now I'm the self made mack on a mountain on Mars
Got the money green cut it with the high roll clause
A Lincoln Continental and a Gran Marquis
Rag top, drop down, rollin' on chrome D's bitch
The purple furs and the gold trim glasses
I only bust the fat asses

There are unconfirmed rumors that in thanks, Esche himself wrote the autobiographical "Hillbilly Stomp."

I like stuckies, truckers and big mesh hats
I like large round women in loundromats
I like to wander jack
Like a backwoods thug
And watch the moonshine through
The bottom of a jug

Now if that isn't Robert Esche, I'll eat my chrome D's, bitches...

Not as well known is that there is a reciprocal agreement involved. In return for Robert Esche wearing Kid's pic on his goalie mask, Kid Rock has Esche's nickname "Chico" tatooed on his ass. It now covers Kid's Pamela Anderson tatoo...

A continuing series: My sports pet peeves, part 3

Things are still quiet on the Detroit sports scene. The Lions and Drew Brees? Much too early to even know if the Lions are interested. There's been no media leaks yet, so that subject is strictly on a wait and see basis. Dimitri Young is still slimmed down, so that takes care of the Tigers for the next couple of weeks. The Pistons fire up their stretch run tonight, but what more is there to say? We are in a point guard holding period till the trading deadline ends. The Wings? It's all about the playoffs, literally no one cares about the regular season. With the total lack of news to discuss, you know what that means?

It's pet peeve time.

There are certain sports issues that even I, as a long time sports fan, do not and will not care about. You just can't make me. When it comes to my following pet peeve, no matter how much you twist my arm, you'll only be twisting my arm, and pissing me off. Blame the Olympics hype, as they brought this subject to the front and center of my attention. So what am I talking about?




The media and their pipming of women's sports.









I know it's a bad choice of words, but that is what the MSM is doing...

I'm sorry, but I just can't get into them, despite the blatant attempts to popularize women's sports. Honestly, in the big scheme of things, they truly are fringe sports. Unfortunately, the MSM will never stop trying to convince us otherwise.

For example, why on earth, other than overt political correctness and pressure from the evil that is the NCAA, does the women's side of March Madness (With the women, it's actually March Blip-on-the-sports-radar) get nearly equal time and space as the men's tournament? I'm specifically talking about two distinct media entites, ESPN and the McPaper. They are two of the worst practitioners of hyping the women's NCAA. Did interest suddenly spike? I'd be news to me. Before the tournament, the women's college game generates no more respect than placement in the newspaper agate type and the bottom crawl on ESPN News' screen. But once tournament time comes around, what happens? Magiaclly, the game moves to front and center! No one I know cares. No one I know ever will.

Don't get me started on the media canonization of women's college coaches, such as with Pat Summitt. When ESPN gave over the top coverage in regard to Summitt breaking the all time wins record, they convinently didn't mention the low level of competition she faced for the majority of her career.

The media raves about the domination of coaches like Summitt and Geno Auriemma. They might be damn good, in fact they probably are damn good, but considering the lack of legitimate competition both coached against over the years, their large number wins doesn't say all that much. All it tells me is that they have coached for a a long ass time.

For decades, the number of truly top tier college programs could be counted on one hand. Things have improved some over the last decade or so, but the women's college game still has a larger majority of have-not programs than haves. There are many more opportunities for padding your record with gimme wins in the women's game than the men's. That a school with the stature of the University of Michigan cannot put together a competive program tells you all you need to know about the state of the woman's game.

Everything I said about the women's college game, goes for the WNBA as well. As much as I have ragged on ESPN's Bill Simmons in other places, he is right on with his ripping of the NBA in regard to the shoving of the WNBA down our gagging throats. What David Stern needs to realize is that in thrusting the WNBA upon us, with total disregard to what fans and the Neilson ratings say, 99% of the population will react with the same enthusiam as they would in taking a tablespoon of castor oil. As you might guess, that reaction is not positive.

Ever been to a WNBA game? I checked out a Detroit Shock game once. Only once. I didn't have much choice in the matter. I will say that I'll never go back. In watching the women's game up close, it just doesn't hold up to scrutny. The conventional wisdom that the women are more fundimentally sound is a complete fallacy. Talk about an urban legend. The women's game is played at half speed, yet they still can't make an uncontested layup, can't shoot a jumper straight, and the game is turnover city. But you see the occasional back door cut, so according to the MSM, they must be fundimentally sound. Right...

Women's baketball is on the point of this issue, but you could say the same things about women's soccer, women's Olympic events (Especially figure skating), women's softball, and any other chick sport. The women's (Name any game) is slower, not as creative, and basically boring.

More power to them, they can play all they want at any level. But...Do NOT shove women's sports my face as the equal to men's, and as something that I must watch.

Homer Simpson said it best. "If the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy-boxing, and such and such."

February is the bane of a sports fan

It's been a very quiet few days on the Detroit sports scene since the "Darko Situation" came to a resolution. Now that the Lions channeled their inner Lloyd Dobler to woo Mike Martz successfully, the Wings are on Olympic break, Darko has gone to live with Mickey and Minnie, and the Pistons on the All-Star break, there has been not much to comment upon.

Detroit Tigers pitchers and catchers did report, but save for word that Dimtiri Young lost a "Substantial" amount of weight, there's been no news out of Lakeland. When the weight loss of an overweight, overpaid, headcase DH is a big (Pun intended) story, things are sloooow. Wake me when the glorified exhibitions called the World Baseball Classic begin in a couple of weeks.

You can tell we are in the dog days of sport when the local radio talking heads are struggling for topics. Last week on WDFN, Mike Stone took a valuable half hour of radio time to discusss...How long to you keep your shirts? Did you know Stoney has golf shirts that are 15 years old? Dead air would have been more informative and entertaining.

So what's left to discuss? NFL mock drafts? Just kill me now...

Lord help us, but the NFL draft isn't for over two months. Which leaves plenty of time for EVERY website, TV network, and wannabe self promoting draft wonk to do several incorrect mocks. You do realize that none of the draftniks have a clue, right? Mock drafts are like high school homework. One guy, that being uberwonk Mel Kiper, does the first mock, then the rest copy it while changing a couple of names here and there so their teacher editor won't catch on. How do you think Jay Cutler to the Lions got started? Because of that damn Kiper and his minions. Now I'm absolutely dreading the the "Lions need a QB so they'll draft Jay Cultler" gossip we are guaranteed to hear for the next 8 weeks. And that's what mock drafts are, pure gossip and speculation. Nothing more...

With the NBA trade deadline a week away, just as bad will be the trade speculation.

You know the drill. Some doof on a message board will post some bizzare rumor he claims he heard from the dominatrix of some team's assistant to the assistant. Let's say he heard something like this: The Pistons will send Rasheed Wallace and Alex Acker to NOOCH for for David West and Speedy Claxston.

What happens next? Some lazy beat writer will run across my made up trade while doing Technorati searches. He will cut and paste print my faux proposal in some lame notes column. Next thing you know, the internet is ablaze, the AP is all over it, Peter Vescey prints the story as fact, Sam Smith denies the veracity of the story, Screamin' A. Smith opens his show with his breakdown of the proposal, Charles Barkley will make a snarky comment about Rasheed and Oklahoma City, Joe Dumars issues a denial, 'Sheed tells the media, "You bandwagon cats are crazy!" and hours are spent debating the non-issue on message boards and sports talk radio. And if it isn't this rumor, you know five others will rear their ugly head.

Remember you heard it here first: The Pistons will send Rasheed Wallace and Alex Acker to NOOCH for for David West and Speedy Claxston. I'll give you 2-1 odds that we see my BS posted somewhere in the next 24 hours...

Another evergreen for beat writers are spring training roster battles. Not that spending a month in Florida or Arizona is a bad gig, but the scribes run out of subjects two weeks into March.

It's so quiet in Lakeland that we've already heard of two regarding the Tigers. Nook Logan or Curtis Granderson in center and Verlander/Zumaya/Colon/Cordero/Name a waiver wire pickup for the fifth starter. These are total non-stories. I truly think managers throw this crap out there for their own amusement. Sparky Anderson was the master of pimping candidates for the 25th man on the roster. Remember Chris Pittaro? Torey Lovullo? Scott Livingstone?

I'm sure this is happening in every big league camp. Some manager or GM will make an off hand comment about how well a bench player is looking early in the spring. The next day we will see every beat writer reporting, "A controversy is developing at name-the-position," which sends saber-geeks into debating the merits of said player in 10 page long message board flamewars.

Three weeks later that player is either traded for a bat bag, sent to AAA, or cut, never to be heard from again...

March Madness cannot start soon enough.

Will you still like me tomorrow if I tell you my dirty little secret? I like NASCAR

Today is the "Super Bowl of NASCAR," so I'm coming clean. Yes, the rumors are true. I'm looking forward to today's "Daytona 500." I will watch cars go in circles. So what's it to ya?

I can tell you that Cale Yarborough and LeeRoy Yarbrough spelled their last names differently. My best friend is in a NASCAR fantasy league. I own "NASCAR THUNDER" for my PS2, and have actually played career mode. I watched "Days of Thunder," laughed at the over the top superspeedway racing, and knew whom the Cole Trickle, Harry Hogge and Tim Daland characters were based upon. (That would be Tim Richmond, Harry Hyde, and Rick Hendrick, in case you were wondering...)

Sometime today, I'll hear Benny Parsons say, "He needs some wedge, two turns, and to pull a spring rubber" and not laugh. (But I might giggle...) I know what "Bump drafting" is and why it's a bad, bad thing in the corners. Ask me about "Plate racing" at Daytona and I can you it doesn't involve your collectable Star Trek plate collection. I can spell Talladaga without looking it up. Ask me who's driving the 38 today and I'll tell you it's M&M's car with Elliot Sadler. Who's driving for the Wood Brothers this year? Not that you would care, but I bet you don't have a clue either. It'd be journeyman driver Ken Shrader.

After reading the previous paragraphs, I'm not sure if I should be proud, or ashamed...

I can picture you all now, giving the screen a quzzical look, and thinking, "Who took Big Al's place today?" Let me explain.

I grew up in a very small farming town here in Michigan. The sort of place where the bars have more country music than rock on the jukebox. Where dressing up for a night out was putting on a fresh flannel shirt and clean work boots. And you didn't forget to replace your CAT hat with your clean John Deere one. Basically, it was a pretty redneck kind of place. Before you say anything, I can use the term redneck affectionately, as I'm friends with 'necks. But I digress...


There is a bullring of a late model stock car track a stone's throw away from my hometown. You can hear the cars for miles on a hazy summer Saturday night. My dad would take me occasionally, and I got hooked. I became a fan of the the Wood Brothers Purolator Mercury. Thinking back, it's probably because my dad drove a Merc and I liked the cool colors. Thusly, a stock car racing fan was born.

I hide it extremely well, as I'm no longer living in the sticks, but I'm just a small town country boy. I channel my inner Stroh's drinking redneck when I watch stock car racing. Not many people, other than family and friends in my hometown, know my dirty little secret. I've managed to keep word of my interest in NASCAR on the down low. So what's the best example of me being a closeted NASCAR fan?

I was tailgating at the Silverdome before a Lions game. I was with the then girlfriend, who was fairly sophisticated. Defintely not a small town sort of chick, she wouldn't have known a roll cage from a bird cage. She knew me damn well, save for my NASCAR secret. A work friend of hers walked up to us, and was wearing a lime green colored Interstate Batteries jacket with the number 18 on the sleeves. Having had a few pops, I blurt out, "So, are you a Bobby Labonte fan?" My significant other looked at me like I had just fallen off of the turnip truck. Her expression screamed, "How in the living HELL do you know that?!" Then she actually said those same words... And just like that, I was outed.

So if you happen to be flipping channels on this bitter cold Sunday, just remember that some of us stick and ball sport fans watch stock car racing. Sheepishly, but we're watching.

You want to save the Olympic movement? Put me in charge...

After being exposed to severe Winter Olympics overload, I had a stunning moment of clarity. I realized that for the Olympics to remain successful in a cable, satellite, and internet porn filled world, they need to evolve. The IOC need only to approve the broadcast a few quality sports, rather than overwhelm us with quanity, weirdness, and chick approved TV spectacle. So in that vein, if I was in charge of the IOC, what Winter Olympics sports would I eliminate and which would I keep? I'm glad you asked...

As I've said in a previous post, I'll never care about the pseudo sports that require artistic judging or are used to keep the female population enthralled. That eliminates the majority of Olympic events right off the bat.


Let's say goodbye to all types of figure skating, which FOX is handling quite well with their "Skating With Celebrities" train wreck. Any activity that cannot be done to one's utmost ability because you missed your bus and had a bad biorhythm day (Just ask USA choke artist Johnny Weir), derserves to stay in the reality TV ghetto.


Good riddance to freestyle sking and snowboarding, as the only people who care are those who think Mountain Dew actually tastes good. They can use their PS2's and watch the X Games to get their fix of the "Flying Tomato."

Unfortunately, ski jumping is gone as well. It can stay only if the winner is the person who flew the farthest while not falling on their ass, not who has the most stylish landing. If I want a stylish landing, I'll head to "The Landing Strip." Remember to bring lots of singles...

Cross country sking is wonderful exercise. But when did watching people exercise become must see TV? Once upon time it was, but it sure wasn't cross country sking. It was the glorious softcore of "The 20 Minute Workout."

Then what do you have when you add the previous two activities together? Some strange ass hybrid called "Nordic Combined." I thought that's was it was called when a Swede and an Finlander hooked up... I might be wrong, as I swear I saw Chuck Norris appearing in an infomercial for "Nordic Combined" fitness equipment.

Biathlon? Cross country sking mixed with target shooting? Sounds to me like something that belongs in another ESPN faux event, "The Great Outdoor Games." Biathlon was more fun to watch when the Nazi's did it in old World War II flicks. The USA always won then, so why in the Hell aren't we competitve now? I blame Bush.

Curling is cool, in that it I could see hanging out with my buddies drinking beer, and throwing stones. But it's as much of a sport as darts, pool, eating pickled eggs, and Golden Tee. Any game that you can play well while boozing isn't so much a sport as a damn cool bar activity. Yet MSNBC and CNBC devote several hours a day to the coverage of curling. Who on earth is watching, other than expat Canucks and Fred Roggin groupies?


Speed skating is up there with cross country sking in its lack of excitement. It's lap after lap after lap of large thighed freaks going really fast and turning left. Wait, isn't that NASCAR? I can't say, as I'm unsure of the size of Dale Earnhardt Jr's thighs.

Now that we've seperated the snow from the slush, let's determine what it'll take for a sport to remain in the Olympics. After much thought, I've come up with four requirements.


1. High odds of severe injury.
2. Athletes must have suicidal tendencies.
3. Helmet required to survive.
4. Most importantly, NO JUDGES.


So that leaves us with, snowboardcross, short track speed skating, alpine sking (especially the downhill), hockey, bobsled, skeleton, and luge. Nothing more.



Snowboardcross is what Rollerball would look like if it was filmed in the winter. Jonathan would have RULED in snowboardcross... Add steel balls and motorcycles, and I'll give you a 30 share.




Short track speed skating is much like watching Figure 8 bus racing. You know there is going to be a crash, the skaters know there's going to be a crash, and we all know it'll be a HUGE damn crash. Plus you have Apolo Anton Ohno to attract chick viewers. You can't watch every event by yourself, that's kinda creepy...

As for the alpine sking events, Bode Miller advcates downhill sking while drunk. That's good enough for me. We just need to add drunk sking as a medal event. Alpine combined requiring Jagerbombs would get at least a 25 share and the comdenation of the conservative right.

Hockey is a no brainer. Literally. Just talk to Gary Bettman for proof.

Bobsledding is NASCAR on ice, as there is always the threat of mass carnage. In a nice bit of synergy, former NASCAR racer Geoff Bodine designed the USA sleds, called the "Bo-dyn." There's been one thing about bobsledding that always bothered me. How on earth in "Cool Runnings" did the filmmakers expect us to buy John Candy as a former champion bobsledder? Please...

The only thing I'd change about skeleton and luge is to eliminate the two man luge event. That's a bit too "Brokeback Mountain" for most men's taste. Just think how uncomfortable you got watching Matt Lauer and Al Roker get their slide on the other day... Otherwise, they are just wonderful sports for those with a death wish. Kurt Cobain would have been a world class luger...

If the IOC followed my suggestions, we'd have the Olympics over and done with in less than a week, and they never would have to worry about losing to "American Idol" in Nielson ratings again. I'll be awaiting their call.

Wobb Paker, sooper geenus...

Over at the "The Sports Pig," the Leelanau Sports Guy brought my attention around to someone I was trying my best to ignore. That being our favorite local hack, Wobb Parker. Parker, the Detroit News' self appointed baseball "Expert," is up to his old tricks.

In his latst magnum opus, he declares the Tigers' Dave Dombrowki the worst GM in Detroit sports. Considering Matt Millen still has a gig, and that Dombrowski works for Mike Illich, quite possibly the worst owner in MLB, that statement alone confirm Parkers idiocy. But it's not surprising, when you consider the source.

I'm not going to go into detail rebutting every detail. Why waste time rehashing crap? But three items in the column raised questions of Parkers sanity, and qualifications for the man even being a columnist.

Number one, calling Jeff Weaver a better pitcher than Jeremy Bonderman.

The trade Dombrowski made, getting Jeremy Bonderman, Carlos Pena and Franklyn German -- for Jeff Weaver.

Clearly, Weaver is a better pitcher than Bonderman. In three-plus seasons in Detroit, Weaver improved, especially his ERA (5.55 in 1999 to 3.18 in 2002). When he was dealt to the Yankees in 2002, Weaver was 6-8 with a 3.18 ERA.

Bonderman, on the other hand, has a lifetime ERA of 4.98 in three full seasons. Weaver had a real shot at becoming the Tigers' ace. For Bonderman, it's still in question.

Saying one pitcher is better than another is purely subjective, but that's big talk about the overrated Weaver. My God, the Dodgers decided Weaver wasn't worth the trouble of resigning, and he was virtually ignored in the free agent market till the Angels threw him a one year bone of a deal.

So to make his arguement, Parker tries to cook the stats in his favor by using half season numbers. That season being four (!) years ago. Weaver has proven himself to be a nothing more than a .500 pitcher who is a known headcase. Bonderman, on the other hand, is a still a developing 23 year old pitcher who narrowly missed an All-Star berth last season. Bonderman has played for much worse teams than Weaver, and his stats are severely tainted by the historically bad 2003 Tiger season. If you check the career stats for both, Bonderman is improving rapidly, while Weaver has plateaued.

Say what you will about the Weaver for Bonderman, Pena, and German trade, there are plenty of pro and cons to go around. Especially when talking about Pena and German. But why manipulate stats to make your arguement more sound? I'm guessing because it wasn't a sound arguement to begin with...

Number two on the hit list is when he questions the wisdom of signing Magglio Ordonez.

And Ordonez was a question mark, too. His oft-injured knee was an issue and the reason his free-agent market wasn't very impressive (the Mets took a pass).

Maggs hit .302 with eight homers and 46 RBI. It's a far cry from the 32 homers and 118 RBI he averaged in five seasons (before he was injured in 2004) with the White Sox.

Parker could have said the Ordonez contract was too lengthy and expensive for a player coming off a career threatening injury. Wobb could say that the money would have been better spent on less expensive younger players with some upside. Maybe spend that money developing the minor leagues instead. Or just get some pitching... All are legitimate arguements I could buy, and would most likely agree.

Instead, Parker just gives Magglio's offensive stats and convinently forgets to mention that Ordonez missed nearly half the season with a sports hernia. You think that might be a small reason his stats were down? One off year interrupted by a bad hernia injury does not signify a downward trend. The knee problem Parker mentions were never an issue. I think that blatnantly omitting the hernia just to make his arguement absoultely undermines what little credibility Parker may have had left.

For gem number three, Parker comes up with this odd observation...

And remember: Only one Dombrowski-built team has finished over .500 -- the '97 Marlins.

Wobb, again with the selective memory? He seems to have forgotten that the 1997 Marlins only won THE WORLD SERIES! If Marlins owner Wayne Huizinga hadn't ordered a player fire sale, it's pretty damn obvious that the core World Series winning group would have put together a few more winning seasons. Parker could have choosen to mention that Dombrowski has more than a little to do with the building of the 2003 Marlins. I'm guessing he decided it hurt his case, because that team won the World Series as well!

It's interesting how pursuasive you can make an arguement when you choose to omit a few details.

Parker closes with this...

So, when will Dombrowski's team finally win?

"I think we're in a spot where we have to start producing on the field and win some ballgames," he said.

If not, Dombrowski should be shown the door.

The Leelanau Sports Guy ends his post with a blunt comment I think we'd all agree upon...

I wish someone would show Rob Parker the door.

Couldn't have said it better myself...

The "Nattering Nabob of Negativity" gives his final thoughts on the "Darko Situation"

It's official. As expected, Darko and Carlos Arroyo are headed to Orlando. But here's the kicker... The Pistons get Kelvin Cato and his expiring 8.5 million dollar contract along with a number one pick. As we were all told to expect. Unfortunately, and what gives me pause, it's a lottery protected 2007 pick. The Pistons only get the pick in 2007 if it's below five, and it's unprotected in 2008.

I may have to mull this over a few times before I give the trade a yay or nay. Honestly, it depends upon what Joe Dumars does next. We all know that he knows that backcourt depth is needed.


Despite being called a "Nattering Nabob of Negativity" by the ghost of Spiro Agnew in the comments to my last rant, I think I'm not the only one who feels this way about the "Darko Situation." Ian over at Sweaty Men Endeavors is your one stop shop for all things Darko when it comes to reactions from the media and netizens.



So to fully close this chapter, I feel it's time to do a little pro and con excercise...

Pro: The Pistons get a first round pick.
Con: The pick is not this year, as said in early reports. It's a protected pick next season, and not totally free till 2008.

Pro: Much needed salary cap space has been created to allow the Pistons to resign Ben Wallace.
Con: Joe Dumars is rolling the dice. In locking up the starting five long term, he expects them to continue to be productive well into their 30's. Not that it won't happen, but there are no guarantees either. We all saw what happened when the "Bad Boys" Pistons team grew old.

Pro: The moves free up space for extending Chauncy Billups' contract as well.
Con: Again, there are no guarantees that Billups will stay, especially if he hits the open market in 2007. Billups has been playing this year like a guard that deserves a max contract. The Pistons have been loathe to give anyone the max. It'll be interesting to see what Wallace and Billups demand. Considering they both would be the cream of their respective free agent crops, their demands will be considerable.

Pro: The Pistons get an experienced big man in Kelvin Cato.
Con: He's going to be cut before he ever gets to Auburn Hills.

Pro: Arroyo was not the best solution as the backup at point guard. Inconsistency was his middle name.
Con: The backup is now Lindsey Hunter, who's approximately 57 years old.

Pro: Joe Dumars knew when to cut bait with Darko and managed to get something of value in return.
Con: Wasting the number two pick in an absolutely loaded draft is an unforgivable offense. Odds are the pick received from Orlando will not be nearly as high and in a less talented draft. Dumars should thank his lucky stars that he has, deseveredly, built up an amzing ammount of goodwill with the media and fans. In other circles, the call for the GM to be drawn and quartered would be heard far and wide. Just ask Matt Millen...

Pro: The trade did not touch the core players on a championship level team.
Con: The trade reduces the bench depth on a championship level team that many feel is playing the core too many minutes.

Pro: Pistons fans no longer have to defend the Darko pick.
Con: Admit it... In the back of our minds, we all still, and will for the foreseeable future, contemplate the "What ifs." "What if the Pistons had drafted Wade, Anthony, or Bosh, how much better would they be?"

Screw Darko and the lottery pick, what about point guard?

The Darko trade rumors are getting me to the same point I was with the Martz to the Lions talk. I'm ready for something, anything to happen, just so we can stop being amateur GM's. Unfortunately, we may be talking Darko for the next week, up to the trade deadline.

Out in the blogosphere, thoughts are most definitely mixed. Ian, Eno, The Leelanau Sports Guy, The Sports Dude* and Corey at Motoring have all chimed in, with varying degrees of enthusiasm. The general consensus being, make the trade, in Joe we trust.

I gave my thoughts on Monday, and they still haven't changed. In fact, my feelings have grown stronger. I have no issue with Darko being given a championship ring, a hearty handshake and a pat on the back, then shoved out the door. Darko's a dead man walking in the D, it's more than obvious he's going somewhere by the deadline. A 2006 number one pick is a nice recovery from blowing it with Darko, but it best be in the lottery. If it's lottery protected for this year (Right now, talk is it's protected at 7 or higher), or outright changed to Orlando's 2007 first pick, as word is Orlando would prefer, then I'm more than concerned, I'm pissed.

Disregarding where the pick is in the draft, let's say Joe Dumars pulls the trigger and this particular trade is made. What happens then? Most importantly, Flip Saunders' bench is shortened even more than it already has been. Lindsey Hunter is NOT, I repeat, NOT, an option as the primary back up at point. He'll get some minutes, but he's old, he's been injured, and just got his first meaningful playing time of the season last night. All of 9 minutes, and that's in a blowout win that was never in question midway thru the 2nd half.

Remember last season, with concern that the starters were wearing out, especially Tayshaun Prince? What's going to happen to Chauncy Billups and Prince if Arroyo is out of the picture? Again, don't say "Lindsey Hunter!" If you say, "Alex Acker," I'll sign the papers for your committment.

Why am I concerned about Prince? Because I can see Prince getting significant minutes handling the ball as a pseudo point guard, with Delfino getting a few extra minutes spelling the Prince/Billups combo. You know what that brings? Burnout. Are you comfortable with Delfino getting more time in the rotation? Me? I'm on the fence. Delfino looks good in spurts, but is still very inconsistent. I don't think he's fully earned Flip's trust either.

So if the moves are made, and as the roster would stand after the trade, where does that leave the Pistons for this season? We all know how coaches are, they'll ride their best players. Flip will use a 6 man team. Sound familiar? Evans and Delfino pick up the leftovers. We don't see Davis till the Pistons face a true center in the playoffs, that being the very large man in Miami. We never see Cato (If he isn't cut first), Maxiell, Acker, and Johnson. They are still short a scorer off the bench. Do you sense the deja vu?

My feelings may change if Joe Dumars has another iron in the fire. Thing is, with what does he have left to bargain? His two biggest bargaining chips, Darko and Arroyo, would be gone. He'll have an expiring 8.5 million dollar contract, but that's supposedly set aside to allow the Pistons to keep both Ben Wallace and Chauncy Billups. What about a future draft pick(s)? But how do you take on a contract in a pick for player trade? So how does, called so deservedly, the best GM in the NBA find that extra piece of bench depth they desperately need? If I knew, I'd be running a team.

If Dumars does have that piece up his sleeve, he won't just be considered the best GM in the game, he'll be an out and out miracle worker.

I want to add this... We need to remember one thing, considering all the angst over this impending trade. The Pistons are still running away with the East, and they would still be considered favorites to win the NBA title. Which is what we all wanted anyway, right?

*Edited to add another link...

Our Wayne, who art in Canada, hallowed be thy Name

Yesterday I stated that Michelle Kwan was being canonized. Turns out, that's nothing. Wayne Gretzky is being diefied.

I know Canadians believe Jesus Christ Wayne Gretzky walks on frozen water, and can cure all ills with a wave of His hockey stick, but the following quote is, to put it mildly, ridiculous.

He doesn't deserve this.

Crucifixions have changed a bit over a couple of thousand years, but the dynamics are still the same.

You need a mob convinced it's carrying out the will of the public, and you need a victim. The rest -- electronic thorns instead of real ones, soundclip jabs instead of those from spears -- is just progress.

So...If I'm reading this correctly, "The Great One" = Jesus, and the media grilling over gambling = crucifixion. All that's missing are reports of stigmata. I expect those shortly.


In one of the most fawning columns you'll ever read, Mike Ulmer of the Winnipeg Sun preaches the gospel of Jesus Christ Wayne Gretzky. Ulmer is doing everything short of speaking in tounges... He feels that yesterday's 5 minute questioning in regard to the NHL gambling scandal was just a little too tough on Jesus Wayne.

In Ulmer's world, journalists are stone throwing, spear chucking heathens wanting blood. All that's missing are references to Pontius Pilate turning Wayne Jesus over to the masses for crucifixion. Wait, I spoke too soon...

Gretzky's press conference lasted just a little more than five excruciating minutes. Andre Brin, the affable media relations guy from Hockey Canada, played a reluctant Pilate in delivering an exhausted Gretzky to the print and electronic media.

When did legitimate questioning over a NHL foundation shaking story turn into a religious bloodletting? Has Christ Gretzky been implicated? From all accounts, no. But Jesus' Wayne's the Virgin Mary wife and Barabbas best friend/assistant coach are neck deep in the gambling mire. So I don't think the media heathens are out of line, despite what one of the apostles Ulmer thinks.

Do you know why Jesus Wayne was raked over the coals? Is it due to the media following up on a big story and would like a few answers from one of the main figures involved? Not in Ulmerland. It's because He's rich and famous and the heathen journalists are jealous.

This is the price Wayne Gretzky pays to be Wayne Gretzky, for having the audacity to be ridiculously, unforgivably successful. You can win Stanley Cups, Canada Cups, World Cups. You can become the pitchman of all pitchmen, the absolute authority on image. In the end, it will make your detractors more plentiful and more vengeful.

I know hockey is religion in the Great White North. But the belief that an athlete is all that is good and virtuous about a country is absolutely preposterous.

The vast majority of Canadians identify this same man as one of the finest amalgams of our virtues.

No wonder Jesus Wayne left Edmonton. It wasn't Yoko Ono's Janet Jones' or Judas' Bruce McNall's fault, it's because who on earth can live up to that kind of deification? Jesus Wayne doesn't look tired, exhausted, and battered (All terms used in the article) because of the betting scandal, it's due to the fact that He has the weight of an entire country on His shoulders.

Gordie Howe God forbid if Canada loses the Olympic hockey tournament. It'll crush their souls and it'll be left to Jesus Wayne to save them.

When all is said and done, I believe we have learned one thing from the King of all Canadians...



Give a man an inside tip, and he bets for a day. Teach his wife to gamble, and he is nailed to the cross.

If it's Tuesday near the trade deadline, it must be Belgium time to talk Darko

What's the question on every Pistons' fan lips? No, it's not, "Why did the Pistons pick Darko when they could have had Dwayne Wade or Chris Bosh?" It's, "Will Darko be traded?"

Burning up the airwaves and the web is word that Orlando wants our favorite human victory cigar. Orlando offered Kelvin Cato and their first round pick in return for Carlos Arroyo and the legend known as Darko Milicic. So, do you make this trade?

If you move forward with this, the cap relief is something important to consider. Cato is nothing but end of the bench big man insurance, much like Darko is at this point. So as a player, Cato brings little. But what about his contract? Cato has an expiring 8 million dollar contract, which is extremely valuable. You know the Pistons are trying to maintain plenty of salary cap maneuverability for Ben Wallace this coming off season.

Let's not forget the first rounder, which would be even more important in the long run. That first round pick, considering Orlando's current team, should be in the lottery. That pick makes the trade damn tempting. Before we get all excited and giddy like little schoolgirls, think about this one factor, and this is a HUGE factor...Do you want to depend on Lindsey Hunter as the only backup to Billups? Hunter hasn't played a single minute this season.

That's why I don't make the trade if Arroyo is involved.

Say what you will about Arroyo's maddeningly inconsistent play, but he's the only backcourt reserve whom Flip Saunders has given important minutes, and the one legit point guard option behind Billups. Arroyo goes, and it's either Hunter or Prince at the point when Billups sits. Which wouldn't be much...

I seriously doubt that you can depend on Hunter as your full time backup point guard. At this stage of his career, Hunter is first and foremost a defensive specialist, his minutes should be used judiciously. You don't want him running the offense for extended periods. Do you want a three guard rotation of Billups, Hamilton, and Hunter? With that so-called rotation, Billups and Hamilton just might as well play 48 minutes a game. You best have another decent ball handling guard ready and waiting to step in via another trade if you unload Arroyo.

I think we've all accepted the fact that Darko won't amount to much more than the equal of William Bedford here in Detroit. Too many factors worked against Darko. All-Star caliber players in front of him on the depth chart, qustionable work ethic due to his youth, the inability to live up to huge expectations, and the fact that he's not LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, Dwayne Wade, or Chris Bosh. That last reason is an especially heavy load for anyone, let alone an inexperienced euro teenager.

It's obvious that the Pistons are seriously listening to trade offers as the rumors weren't shot down in the media immeadiately. The Pistons' radar is up and they are actively looking for the right deal. After all, Darko is the biggest and best bargaining chip the Pistons own. Orlando's offer shows that there is a market out there for Darko. Someone is always willing to take a chance on a (Supposedly) talented big man. (See Michael Olowokandi) If Orlando's offering a servicable big man with an large expiring contract, and a likely lottery pick, you think that another team is willing to Joe Dumars even more?

I do.

The clock is ticking on Darko's worth, so the question becomes how long do you sit on the asset? I believe if the right combination of player, contract, and draft pick comes along, Darko and most likely Arroyo, are gone. It's no longer a matter of if Darko is leaving, but when. It may just happen at the trade deadline. It's becoming more and more obvious that Darko's days of being Detroit's victory cigar are numbered.