Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Our Wayne, who art in Canada, hallowed be thy Name

Yesterday I stated that Michelle Kwan was being canonized. Turns out, that's nothing. Wayne Gretzky is being diefied.

I know Canadians believe Jesus Christ Wayne Gretzky walks on frozen water, and can cure all ills with a wave of His hockey stick, but the following quote is, to put it mildly, ridiculous.

He doesn't deserve this.

Crucifixions have changed a bit over a couple of thousand years, but the dynamics are still the same.

You need a mob convinced it's carrying out the will of the public, and you need a victim. The rest -- electronic thorns instead of real ones, soundclip jabs instead of those from spears -- is just progress.

So...If I'm reading this correctly, "The Great One" = Jesus, and the media grilling over gambling = crucifixion. All that's missing are reports of stigmata. I expect those shortly.

In one of the most fawning columns you'll ever read, Mike Ulmer of the Winnipeg Sun preaches the gospel of Jesus Christ Wayne Gretzky. Ulmer is doing everything short of speaking in tounges... He feels that yesterday's 5 minute questioning in regard to the NHL gambling scandal was just a little too tough on Jesus Wayne.

In Ulmer's world, journalists are stone throwing, spear chucking heathens wanting blood. All that's missing are references to Pontius Pilate turning Wayne Jesus over to the masses for crucifixion. Wait, I spoke too soon...

Gretzky's press conference lasted just a little more than five excruciating minutes. Andre Brin, the affable media relations guy from Hockey Canada, played a reluctant Pilate in delivering an exhausted Gretzky to the print and electronic media.

When did legitimate questioning over a NHL foundation shaking story turn into a religious bloodletting? Has Christ Gretzky been implicated? From all accounts, no. But Jesus' Wayne's the Virgin Mary wife and Barabbas best friend/assistant coach are neck deep in the gambling mire. So I don't think the media heathens are out of line, despite what one of the apostles Ulmer thinks.

Do you know why Jesus Wayne was raked over the coals? Is it due to the media following up on a big story and would like a few answers from one of the main figures involved? Not in Ulmerland. It's because He's rich and famous and the heathen journalists are jealous.

This is the price Wayne Gretzky pays to be Wayne Gretzky, for having the audacity to be ridiculously, unforgivably successful. You can win Stanley Cups, Canada Cups, World Cups. You can become the pitchman of all pitchmen, the absolute authority on image. In the end, it will make your detractors more plentiful and more vengeful.

I know hockey is religion in the Great White North. But the belief that an athlete is all that is good and virtuous about a country is absolutely preposterous.

The vast majority of Canadians identify this same man as one of the finest amalgams of our virtues.

No wonder Jesus Wayne left Edmonton. It wasn't Yoko Ono's Janet Jones' or Judas' Bruce McNall's fault, it's because who on earth can live up to that kind of deification? Jesus Wayne doesn't look tired, exhausted, and battered (All terms used in the article) because of the betting scandal, it's due to the fact that He has the weight of an entire country on His shoulders.

Gordie Howe God forbid if Canada loses the Olympic hockey tournament. It'll crush their souls and it'll be left to Jesus Wayne to save them.

When all is said and done, I believe we have learned one thing from the King of all Canadians...

Give a man an inside tip, and he bets for a day. Teach his wife to gamble, and he is nailed to the cross.


  1. YES! HAHA! So good!

  2. PS I just bookmarked your site...GO LEAFS GO!