Sunday, February 26, 2006

Goodbye Winter Olympics, hello "Deal or No Deal"

As much as I have ragged on the Winter Olympics, (See here, here, here, and here) I'm saddened to see them come to an end. The Olympics are much like an annoying younger sibling. Even though they may cause much grief, and give one ample opportunites to make fun of them, you find that you miss them when they are no longer around. Let's count down what we all will miss about the soon to disappear Winter Olympics...

Those up to the minute reports on the shenanigans of Bode Miller. Now that the world is moving on, Nike must be relieved...

"Hello, this is Nike HQ, Phil Knight speaking. What's that? Bode's drunk off his ass again? Did you just say "Jagerbombs?" He was drinking Red Bull too? Well, that's not so bad. With Absolut? SHIAT! You'd think he's have learned something from that "60 Minutes" fiasco, but noooooo...

Did he win ANY kind of medal yet? Even a bronze? ANOTHER DNF? SONOFABITCH! He's 0 for F'N 5! Who in the HELL signed him? Who gave the greenlight? I want his name! Actually, I want his HEAD ON A GOD DAMN STICK! No, this isn't the same as Reebok's "Dan & Dave" campaign! OK, OK, you're right, it could have been worse. We could be Coke and pushing that lamer Michelle Kwan! Dumb asses...

What's next? Nobody's been watching anyway, so make another prime time ad buy. We're going to ride Bode hard and put him away wet! That's our Bode! Who? For the next winter games? We make skates? Who knew? How 'bout that! So forget that cocky ass Hedrick, go see how much that soul patch wearing kid wants, what's his name...Momo? Popono? What do you mean, Ohno? What'd Bode do now? Ohno? What happened? You said Ohno! Ohno what?! Whatever. Get him signed!"

2. Hot bendy chicks on display in prime time every night. I'll now have to go back to the internet to find them. Such is life.

3. Hockey at 7 am. Much better than waking up to Al Roker, to say the very least.

4. Johnny Weir, quote machine. Any man that says, "It hurts my feelings" whenever he sees a knockoff handbag, well...Can we all just stop pussy footing around the subject and admit the dude is flamingly gay? See you soon Johnny, in "Ice Capades Salute Some Lame Kids Movie."

5. Luge crashes. Speedskating pileups. Snowboardcross pancakes. Alpine skier carnage. NASCAR has nothing on the Olympics.

The asinine bleatings of Scott Hamilton, Dick Button, and the rest of their gushing figure skating cronies. It's nothing but consistent comedy gold! "The others only skate to Romeo & Juliet. Sasha IS Juliet!" Sasha Cohen is a suicidal 13 year old Italian? You just don't get that kind of in depth analysis from John Madden.

7. Curling, only the best pseudo sport ever. I'm so fired up about curling that I'm announcing my candidacy to win a spot on the 2010 USA Olympic curling team! What's that? They don't allow beer on the Olympic ice? Beer nuts? What about smokes? Oh, Hell. Forget what I just said...

8. 10 hour tape delays, as what pisses you off, makes you stronger.

9. Bob Costas. You can never give enough air time to short pretentious blowhards. If any of you run into Bob, ask him about "Baseketball," will ya?

Apolo Anton Ohno, cause he's just soooo cute. I could just hug him and squeeze him and call him George... By the way, that's not coming from me, but from Johnny Weir..

11. Tanith Belbin. That is coming from me.

12. Those endlessly repeating Bell Canada beaver commercials on the CBC. Because I like...Screw it, feel free to insert your own "Beaver" joke here.

If you think I feel bad that the Olympics are ending and that Nike is thrilled, what about NBC? They must be absolutely disconsolate. For the Peacock Network, it's back to "Fear Factor," Donald Trump, arena football, the "Dew Action Sports Tour," and Howie Mandel hosted game shows.

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