Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Dear Abby has nothing on The Wayne Fontes Experience

New friend of "The Wayne Fontes Experience," Onomatopoetic, came to me with a question in dire need of an answer yesterday. It's a head scratcher involving Team USA goalie Robert Esche and Pamela Anderson's ex, Detroit ambassador Kid Rock.

Onomatopoetic writes,

"I've been watching the Team USA (mens) hockey games, and I thought you might know, or at least make up a fun explanation, for why Robert Esche has this picture of Kid Rock on his goalie mask. Any ideas?"

That's a very easy question, Onomatopoetic...

They're pimpin' buddies!

Much like the Alanis Morissette song "You Oughta Know" is about Detroit's own Dave Coulier, Kid Rock's song "Early Mornin' Stoned Pimp" is about Robert Esche's life in Philly and how Kid Rock met Esche during a search for "Voluptuous" women...

Now I'm the self made mack on a mountain on Mars
Got the money green cut it with the high roll clause
A Lincoln Continental and a Gran Marquis
Rag top, drop down, rollin' on chrome D's bitch
The purple furs and the gold trim glasses
I only bust the fat asses

There are unconfirmed rumors that in thanks, Esche himself wrote the autobiographical "Hillbilly Stomp."

I like stuckies, truckers and big mesh hats
I like large round women in loundromats
I like to wander jack
Like a backwoods thug
And watch the moonshine through
The bottom of a jug

Now if that isn't Robert Esche, I'll eat my chrome D's, bitches...

Not as well known is that there is a reciprocal agreement involved. In return for Robert Esche wearing Kid's pic on his goalie mask, Kid Rock has Esche's nickname "Chico" tatooed on his ass. It now covers Kid's Pamela Anderson tatoo...


  1. First kid rock gets busted for a sex tape that shows him sharing screen time with scott stapp, now he has a goalies nickname tatooed on his ass!?!? I don't even want to think about what is next... find a happy place, FIND A HAPPY PLACE!!!!

  2. Awesome, thanks! I knew I asked the right guy.

    If it weren't for your NASCAR thing, I'd be declaring my love now. Well, the NASCAR thing and the fact that my grandpa was a "Big Al" and somehow that would just be creepy.