Detroit Lions post exhibition game thoughts: The gates of Hell, 3rd round bargains and big ass asses

I try to post my Lions thoughts a few hours after the game, but who wants to put up that much effort over an exhibition? So you're getting them tonight, bitches.

1. When is the real Jon Kitna going to show up? Because the QB we've seen be nearly perfect during the exhibition season sure as Hell isn't the God warrior. Where's the drive killing interceptions? The in his own territory fumbles? The trying to make impossible plays? The inability to find the end zone? Wait a second! The inability to finish drives is still an issue! Maybe it really is Kitna, 100+ QB rating and all, under center.

 Is Kitna making the sign of the Devil? Of course not. 

He's telling the hottie in row one to call after the game...

I know it's only been the equivalent of one half (if that), but Kitna has looked damn good running Jim Coilletto's offense. Is it an illusion, or does Kitna finally "Get it?" It's probably a little of both. It helps he has 4 quality wide receivers to throw to as well. Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams have the ability to turn a badly thrown dying quail into a completion.

I'll admit that Kitna, when he plays within himself, has shown himself to be a very serviceable QB. It's when he tries to make the big play as everything is turning to shit around him, things fall apart. Kitna never seemed to learn that it's better to be prudent than merely courageous. Discretion is the better part of valor. To put it bluntly, don't be a dumb ass with the ball. He should realize it, as it's in the bible, right?

Take the loss, don't force the ball into triple coverage and live to try again. At least you still have the damn ball. At age 35, Kitna may finally have learned that lesson. Or possibly someone wrote it as a passage in his bible, and he took it to heart.

"Thou shall not turn the ball over, lest ye be DAMNED TO THE GATES OF HELL! The LORD hath spoken!"

Either way works for me.

2. It was quite heartening to see a Lions running back break a long run. It was even more heartening to see the run not be called back for a stupid penalty.Detroit's running game isn't running on all cylinders just yet. But it's showing signs of life. If Mike Martz were still calling plays, Smith never would would have gotten the chance to break loose. The so-called genius Martz would have given up on the run after the first couple of plays didn't net much of anything.

There's a fine line between genius and madness, and Martz crossed it long ago. We in Detroit saw it every Sunday in his bizarre play calling. Niners fans get to see the insanity up close and personal this season. Why would journeyman J.T. O'Sullivan, Martz's own pet laboratory project, be named the starting QB in San Francisco? Because Mike Martz is a fucking madman.

I was happy when Martz was hired by Rod Marinelli. I was happier when the self-styled super genius was let go.

3. We saw proof positive on Saturday. Kevin Smith is the best running back on the Lions roster. Period. Semi-colon. Exclamation point. He's the only Detroit back capable of breaking anything more than a 5 yard run.

I was leery of the Lions drafting Smith, not because of his lacking talent. Talent he has in spades. My fear was Smith had been used to the point of abuse by UCF's head coach, George "I did so letter at New Hampshire" O'Leary. But so far, so good.The 70 carries a game Smith got in college hasn't slowed him down...yet. How he holds up over a 16 game season after taking such a beating in school bears close watch.

A sight not often seen. A Lions running back in the open field

Getting Smith in the 3rd round of the draft is looking like quite a bargain. It's fair to say, up to this point, this is one 3rd round running back pick that wasn't wasted. (I'm looking at you, Brian Calhoun.)

4. The Detroit media, especially the hosts on sports talk radio, couldn't help but notice how well Shaun Rogers played, tossing around linemen and running backs like so many rag dolls. We heard lots of raving that Big Baby was going to have a Pro Bowl season for the Browns, be the dominant player he was only occasionally in Detroit. That's one big ass leap to make, bigger than Rogers' own big ass, from playing in part of one game.

Rogers played damn well against Detroit. "DETROIT" being the magic word that had the Twinkie's biggest fan motivated. See if he's that fired up to play the Titans in December.

No way in Hell Rogers plays that well over an entire season. It's an impossibility when you weigh 4 bills and have knees buckling from under the immense weight. Rogers is listed at 350 pounds by the Browns. And I'm starring in the next Tarantino flick...

If Big Baby couldn't play consistently hard in Detroit, a team that bent over backwards attempting to keep him happy, motivated, well fed and in an endless supply of oxygen tanks, it's not going to happen in Cleveland. He'll dominate in one game, disappear for the next 2. Especially if the Browns season goes in the tank, and from what I saw Saturday night, that's a distinct possibility.

So to claim Shaun Rogers is going to have a Pro Bowl season is putting the cart before the horse...then having Big Baby eat the horse.

5. The biggest surprise of the exhibition so far has been...No, not the 3-0 start. Not Mike O'Hara predicting a 9-10 win season before doddering off into retirement. Not George "What's the Snap Count" Foster still being first on the OT depth chart.

It's been the play of the defense. It's been been fast, opportunistic and pretty damn good. Brady Quinn may be a gay icon, but the Lions defense made the Browns golden boy look limp. Flaccid, even.

As much as I ragged on Marinelli for bringing every former Bucco he could find into camp, it's those same Buccos who've made the defense better. How much better remains to be seen, as I refuse to get out the jump to conclusions mat over 3 exhibition games.

Before getting all hot and bothered, let's see how the rebuilt D stands up when the season starts. But as things stand, I give the rebuilt defense 1 thumb up! No, the other thumb is not up my ass. It's waiting for the season to start, dammit.

10 questions: Shaun Rogers

With Shaun Rogers not long for Detroit, and me wanting to exhaust my inventory of fat jokes, I thought it would be a good time for another round of "10 questions."

We soon won't have Rogers to roll around anymore...

Much as I did with both the moron and Lions QB coach Scott Loeffler, I ask the questions we all want to hear answers to, but the MSM refuses to ask.

1. You're being paid millions of dollars a year to be in a semblance of shape. A shape other than cylindrical. Was it that hard to push yourself away from the dinner table? For that matter, the lunch and breakfast tables?

2. If I placed a bet claiming you weighed more than 425 pounds, would I win?

3. Let's say you are playing in the thin air of Denver. How deep in the game would you get before having to come out for a breather? By the way, the over/under is 2 plays.

4. Continuing in that vein, how many defensive series would you have to sit out in order to catch your breath? In case you were wondering, the over/under is 4.

5. I have to ask. Is Matt Millen as moronic as he seems? Or is he even dumber than he appears?

6. Did Rod Marinelli ever ask you to "pound the rock?" Pound someone else's rock?

7. When D-line coach Joe Cullen was busted for driving naked in the Wendy's drive-thru, was he picking up your midnight snack of 3 triples with everything, a Biggie fry, a large Frosty and a small Diet Coke?

8. Considering your, to put it mildly, considerable weight gain, are you leaving the NFL for a career in sumo wrestling?

9. When was the last time you saw your feet? The smart money is on 2004.

10. When you ran waddled back that interception 60+ yards for a TD against the Broncos, was it because you really wanted to score, or was it due to being told there was a large ham waiting for you in the end zone?

Detroit fishwrap comment of the day - Fat jokes are funny

The Freep headline says it all regarding Shaun Rogers future with the Lions. He doesn't have one...

Shaun Rogers' agent: 'I have never heard him so excited' about possible trade'

As you might guess, in the comments to the article, fans of the worst run franchise in professional sports are more than happy to say "Don't let the door hit you on your fat ass on the way out!" In other words, fat jokes about Bigger Baby abound.

I hope you drive a flatbed because thats about the only vehicle that will not break under the pressure of his fat butt

Rogers hasn't been this excited since he downed that 134-lb. cheeseburger last weekend in Southgate.

Shaun Rogers is a vastly overrated fat tub of goo.

I wonder if Rogers gets more excited about a possible trade or plate full of buffalo wings?

Is that a ham under Shaun's arm in that picture?

Burger King owners in Denver are celebrating as I type...

It's safe to say Lions fans are just a tad bitter over Shaun Rogers inability to stay on the field due to is inability to stay out of the refrigerator. So in the spirit of the moment, here's a few more fat jokes about Rogers as we await his trade...

Rogers is so fat, he leaves footprints in concrete.

Big Baby isn't fat, he's just 4 feet too short.

Shaun Rogers is so fat, Rod Marinelli jogged around him for exercise.

Rogers once fell over in the sand, and rocked himself to sleep trying to get up.

Rogers is so fat, he can't jump to conclusions.

Whenever Rogers sees a yellow school bus with white children inside he yells, "TWINKIE!"

Rogers is so fat, he has his own gravitational pull.

A Hollywood producer wants to use Shaun Rogers in his next movie. He can play crowd scenes all by himself.

Whew... I had to get those out of my system, as we may not have Big Baby around after today. Thank God we still have Millen to pick on. Holy shit, what am I saying?!

You make the call: Paczki or Shaun Rogers?

It being the day before Lent, today is known as Fat Tuesday. In Detroit, Fat Tuesday is also known as "paczki day!" That's pronounced "POONCH-key" for the Polish impaired, and those not familiar with the city of Hamtramck.

For those of you not from the upper Midwest, a paczki is an extremely tasty fried and filled Polish donut. In basic terms, a large, fancy jelly donut. It's considered a delicacy in the D. But they won't be around for long, as they are a Fat Tuesday only treat.

Someone who is also (rumored to be) not long for Detroit is Big Baby, Shaun Rogers. He's the brunt of the vast majority of fat jokes made here at TWFE, as Rogers is built like he trains on a strict diet of paczkis.

Thanks to their similarities, it seemed fitting to match the artery choking puczki against the formidable Lions defensive tackle, who's well on his way to artery blockage. So you make the call, paczki or Shaun Rogers?

Paczki

VS.

Shaun "Big Baby" Rogers

A paczki is round and bulbous.
Shaun Rogers is also round and bulbous.

A paczki is fried.
Rogers is full of fries.

A paczki can be coated with a sugar glaze.
Rogers eyes glaze over when he see paczkis. He drools, too!

A paczki is fruit filled.
Rogers is full of everything but fruit. Unless it's covered in fried batter...

A paczki can be covered with powdered sugar.
Rogers covers all his meals in powdered sugar.

Paczki are often jelly filled.
Rogers veins are jelly filled.

Paczki is a Detroit staple.
Rogers needs his stomach stapled.

Paczki is only made once a year.
Rogers only plays hard once a year.

Paczki is a Detroit tradition.
Rogers is traditionally overrated by Detroit.

Paczkis have been made since the middle ages.
Rogers hopes to live to middle age.

Over the years, paczki became lighter, spongier, and more resilient.
Over the years, Rogers became heavier, spongier, and less resilient.

Paczki is the Polish word for "deep fried dough."
Rogers is English word for "lazy ass."

I think we have a clear winner...

Should Shaun Rogers stay or go?`

It was reported Wednesday that our favorite dysfunctional franchise, the Detroit Lions, are no longer willing to deal with their talented, yet out of shape, often injured and underachieving defensive tackle, Shaun Rogers. The unconfirmed word from Allen Park is Rogers will be cut or traded before the April 2008 NFL draft.

When asked for comment, Rogers replied,
"UHHH...UHHH...UHHH...hack...hack...
urrrgh... need...whew...UHHHH...need..
UHHH....need...UHHH...oxygen!"

With the rumors swirling around Rogers' status, it seems like a good time to being back a staple from the early days of TWFE, "pros and cons."

"Pro" are reasons to keep Rogers, "Con" is why he should be sent on his roly-poly way. Let's begin our exercise...

Pro: He's undeniably talented.
Con: He's undeniably fat.

Pro: Rogers is under contract for the next 2 seasons.
Con: Which means he'll play hard in 10 of the 32 games.

Pro: The Lions will take a cap hit if Rogers is released.
Con: The Lions have taken so many cap hits over the years, they already have them budgeted into their salary cap.

Pro: Has made the Pro Bowl.
Con: No one cares about the Pro Bowl.

Pro: Rogers often attracts double teams, giving his linemates a chance to go one on one.
Con: His linemates suck. The next time one takes advantage of Rogers being double teamed will be the first time.

Pro: Rogers is the few Lions considered an impact player.
Con: If you are talking about all you can eat restaurants, police reports and strip clubs.

Pro: The Lions have too many roster holes as it is, why create another by letting Rogers go?
Con: When you already have 21 holes to fill, what's one more?

Pro: Rod Marinelli has claimed Rogers could be the "Next Warren Sapp."
Con: Unfortunately the Sarge was referring to the Sapp who is 35 years old, a part time player, beat up, overweight, and now retired.

Pro: Has a cool nickname, "Big Baby."
Con: It should actually be "Bigger Baby." How about "Biggest Baby?" I know, "400 Pounds of Baby!"

Pro: Rogers is one of the few players drafted during the Millen era that you could consider to be a good pick.
Con: That's not saying much. When compared to massive busts like Joey Harrington, Mike Williams and Charles Rogers, any pick that manages to stay on the Lions' roster should be considered good.

Pro: Rogers lead the Lions with 7 sacks!
Con: He lead the Lions with only 7 sacks.

Pro: Rogers was playing despite sore knees, thus making him ineffective for the 2nd half of the season.
Con: The best rehab for his injuries would be pushing himself away from the dinner table, which Rogers has shown he is unwilling to do.

Pro: Rogers' is prime fodder for bloggers who like to make fat jokes.
Con: I'd rather the Lions win games, than have an opportunity to make more Shaun Rogers fat jokes.