Sunday, February 24, 2008

If today's column is any indication, Jerry Green should keep writing about dead guys

If the Detroit News' resident curmudgeon Jerry Green ever wondered why he's been marginalized to the point of having a web only column on Sundays, today's tour de force of craposity explains why.

We all know the only reason Green is still employed is so he can keep the silly streak of attending every Super Bowl alive. If he continues to churn out tripe that DEFENDS Matt Millen, as he did today, he can expect to stay home for Super Bowl XLIII.

In my half-century plus of viewing and writing about games and players in Michigan, no other individual has been bashed and vilified with the intensity and venom as Matt Millen.

Perhaps, I am the outrageous one. I still admire Matt Millen for his guts and his eloquence. I am, I believe, the sole surviving defender of Matt Millen in Detroit media. There is this old-fashioned belief that character counts, that honesty matters -- and when character and honesty and principle are parts of an individual's makeup -- I don't give much of a hoot about the perpetual losing of a football team.

Most everybody else disagrees.

Tough tomatoes!

Tough tomatoes? What the HELL? Is that some sort of snappy, hard-boiled repartee from the 1930's? Like "23 skiddoo?" Or calling guys "palookas" and chicks "broads?" I think I'm going to start using "Tough tomatoes" in my everyday life.

"Hey Al, don't you think you're being hard on addled senior citizens like Jerry Green?"

"Tough tomatoes!"

How dense is Green? Millen has been bashed with such ferocity for a reason. 81 reasons in 7 years, to be exact. No GM in recorded sports history has been so bad for so long. Millen is setting records for ineptitude that will NEVER be broken.

Then to claim the incompetent Millen ELOQUENT?! On what fucking planet? Doesn't Green remember such Millen verbal gems as "Where are your testicles?" How about the moron calling Johnny Morton a "Faggot?" If that's eloquence, I'm Rob Parker.

If Green had been as awful as Millen has been, the old dude would be out of a job. Uh...Wait...

Green goes on to say "Millen was at his gutsiest" for talking to the media on Thursday. WHAT? Millen was been in hiding all God damn season! He hadn't shown his face to anyone who could ask him a question since August 2007. Millen has been nowhere to be found till this week, and Green thinks that's GUTSY?!

The column becomes even more insane...

He was exactly what the Lions' aching fans had begged Bill Ford for through a couple of futile decades. Hire a football guy to operate the football team.

Millen was a football guy. A football guy with winning in his resume.

Not anymore, Jerry. Not anymore...

Was Millen greeted with open arms? Definitely, as both the fans and media knew major change was needed. But after 7 seasons, there's absolutely no defending Millen as a "football guy." Millen has proven to be anything but a "football guy." Maybe a "football numbskull." Even a "football dimwit." But a "football guy?" Not so much...

Green is attempting to defend the utterly indefensible, and he's failing miserably.

Winning starts with the judgment and procurement of talented athletes. And it continues with the hiring of the head coach and follows with consistency within the coaching staff.

Matt Millen has made his confessions now. He has echoed all the critics, the radio mouths, the outraged street hikers in the Millen Man March. He has grabbed the blame, slashed himself with the dagger.

Could this "column" be any more condescending? Everything is A-OK, because Millen accepted some blame? You have to be kidding! He's done so after EVERY FUCKING SEASON! Letting the dumb ass off the hook because he accepts blame is nothing short of flabbergasting.

Millen has destroyed the Detroit franchise. He's a league wide embarrassment. The incompetent boob has become the butt of jokes at the scouting combine. It's going to take YEARS for the team to recover from Millen's clueless decision making. But Green thinks that's OK, because the imbecile is sorry? I've never heard such asinine reasoning. Then again, we should expect such asinine tripe when it's coming from an old fart who thinks "tough tomatoes" is a witty comeback.

"Beyond awful," he says, and it is so true.

It is so true, too, that Matt Millen remains a man of character and honesty, of guts and eloquence.

Bill Belichick, he is not -- and tough tomatoes!

Uh...Wha....I'm...I'm at a loss for words.

Green says Millen carries himself with character, honestly, guts and eloquence? I've just entered Bizarro World. Down is up, right is wrong, and Millen is great football man who has no peer.

I can only guess that Green has confused Millen with one of the smart, qualified, successful GM's in Detroit. You can give those deserved compliments to Joe Dumars, Ken Holland or Dave Dombrowski, and not be ridiculed. It'd be silly.

But to compliment MILLEN? You DESERVE to ridiculed! It DEMANDS to be ridiculed.

Millen has as much character as Karl Rove. He's as honest as Tommy "Yeah...That's the ticket" Flanagan. He has all the guts of disemboweled steer, and the eloquence of a drunk after a 3 day bender.

I have to ask... Did the editors at the Detroit News run this column as a joke? If they did, then it's one Hell of a good laugh. Because in no way could they have thought Green was being deadly serious.

I'm guessing when the News' editors went to Green, asking if he actually wanted to run this oddly fascinating, yet quite disturbing column, he replied...

"Tough tomatoes!"

Then Green said something about the Kaiser, wearing an onion on his belt, and wanting 5 bees for a quarter.


  1. Surely you jest...

    I must say, I read the Millen interview, and it kinda sounded good. But then I remembered that he's been running the team into the ground, and realized what a con this is.

    If he'd given this exact presser after his first year, I might have bought it. But it's far too late.

  2. *stands, laughs, and applauds*

  3. I am going to use "all the guts of a disembowled steer" at the first opportunity.

    I get odd looks as it is - I figure I may as well deserve it.