Thursday, August 30, 2007

The 2nd annual "Rod Allen: A running diary"

Last season, with the help of a DVR and quick typing skills, I did a running diary of Detroit Tigers color man Rod Allen's wit and wisdom spewed during a game with the Chicago White Sox. (My favorite from last year? "I'm afraid of speed, don't like motorsickles.")

I really enjoyed doing that post, so I figure it's time to once again honor the man, the legend, the ass kicker of Japanese pitchers, the man that has damaged the liver of many a college student with the "Rod Allen Drinking Game," the former '84 Tiger and current FSD baseball "Expert", Roderick Bernet "Rod" Allen. Be prepared for even more...Deep thoughts! Drama! Laughs! Hyperbole! Controversy! Confusion! Clich├ęs!

It's gametime, the Detroit Tigers facing the Kansas City Royals in KC, with straight man Mario Impemba and the impeccable Rod Allen calling the action!

1st inning

(Granderson singles) "It's gonna be a good day!"

"We may see some aggression from Jim Leyland..."

Rod announces there is "No humidity" in KC today!

(About KC's starting pitcher, Nunez) "96 with that last fastball?" (Rod sounds confused...)

"Where's he getting that 96 MPH fastball from?" (Rod sounds agitated!)

(About Sheffield's rehab) "Well, they could use him, that's for sure..." (Rod trails off the end of the sentence sounding wistful..)

(About KC journeyman Jason Smith) "He keeps finding big league jobs!" (Rod sounds incredulous!)

(Jeremy Bonderman's stats are flashed on screen) "Yes, he was 10 and 1!" (Rod's disgusted!)

(Close up of Bonderman) "He's relaxing out there. You see him take 4 or 5 deep breaths?"

(About Bonderman's 1st inning issues) "He's got that look in his eyes that Verlander had a few games ago! (Rod is enthused!)

2nd inning

(Talking about a pre-game hitting discussion with Brandon Inge) "He wants to get back to landing real softly on that front toe." (Rod is a batting coach!)

(Cameron Maybin singles!) "Speakin' of jerkin', he took whatever that was, and jerked it back into the pull field!"

(Maybin tags, goes to 3rd on a fly ball to medium left field) "Wow...Wow! That's speed!" (Rod is quite happy!)

(Shot of a kid in the stands who looks longingly a foul ball juuust out of reach) "Dad, help me!"

(Inge throws out a runner from deep 3rd) "He's got some athleticism too, throwin' flat footed!" (Rod, with his daily use of the "Inge is a good athlete cliche'.")

(Bonderman gets a K!) "I'm not sure what that was..." (Rod's confused about the pitch!)

Third inning

"The future could be bright for Mr. Nunez!" (Rod looks into the future, sees KC pitchers...)

Magglio Ordonez just misses an opposite field home run, yet Rod says nothing... Rod just sits in stunned silence.

(Mario gushes about the year former Tiger Carlos Pena is having in Tampa) "What a great year for a great GUY!"

(Ramon Santiago throws out a runner from the hole at short) "Throws a clothesline back across the field, that's arm strength!" (Rod is quite impressed!)

(Bonderman's pitch count is shown) "Jeremy is very economical with his strikes and balls..."

4th inning

(The Royals' mascot is shown manhandling a kid in the stands) "You can't spank kids now days, go to jail!" (Rod shows his concern for the safety of the kids of America from rampaging mascots!)

(On fans confusing Mike Rabelo and Ryan Raburn) "They don't look alike!"

(Inge's month by month AVE is shown) "You have to use the entire field, or you become too easy to pitch to..."

(Talking about George Brett in 1980) ".454 on base percentage? WOW!" (Rod sounds jealous...)

(After KC's Billy Butler triples) "Gettin' ready to say he don't hit many of those..."

(Talking about Tony Pena Jr's penchant for hacking) "His daddy didn't walk a whole lot either...You know what they say, the apple don't fall far from the tree!"

(Inge scoops up a ground ball for the 3td out) "Got some nice feet down at that position."

5th inning

(Nunez gets a K) That fastball had some hair on it! MAN! (Rod's quite impressed!)

(Granderson goes yard!) "Granderson absolutely clobbered it!" (Rod is joyful!)

(Just before Nunez's first pitch after the HR) "Let's see if Mr. Nunez puts a wrinkle in a couple..." (Placido Polanco immediately doubles, no wrinkles Rod!)

(In regard to Granderson's HR nearly landing in the KC fountains) "That's big boy territory..." (Rod is seriously impressed!)

(Timo Perez hits an RBI double to deep center!) "That's pretty good power by TEE-MO!"

(Maggs hits a ball high off the left field foul pole, 2 run tater!) "You see Magglio will that ball to stay fair, which it does!"

(Now 5-1 Tigers) "They may as well score as many runs as you can..." (Big Al: Huh?)

(Inge makes a very nice play on a foul pop to short left) "I think Brandon took that personally!" (Rod likes revenge!)

(Santiago bare hands a ground ball up the middle, gets the out!) "More nice footwork!" (Well, it's become obvious that Rod likes the footwork! Go figure.)

(In regard to Bonderman's recent struggles) "He just needs to somehow and someway get a win today." (The 2nd time Rod has used this line today...)

6th inning

Rod's been awful quiet in the top of the 6th. Almost too quiet. 2 outs, nothing. The half inning ends with nothing from Rod! WHERE'S ROD ALLEN!?

(Rod's back!) His (Bonderman's) pitches by inning is outstanding today!"

(Guillen and Bonderman combine on a nice play at 1st, as Bondy tumbles over the bag) "I think he was more scared than anything!" "Bonderman was surprised he didn't get stepped on!" "OH MY GOODNESS!" (Rod is scared!)

(The replay shows KC's Smith leaping over a sprawled out Bonderman) "You can clip a hurdle as long as you don't knock it down! //giggle//"

Rod goes on to say something about Guillen having "The feet" to play 1st base. Rod loves him some footwork!

(Talking about moving Guillen to 1st full time) "Santiago hasn't made an error in as 'bout as long as Polanco!" (Rod loves him some Ramon Santiago!)

7th inning

(Granderson singles) "When Curtis is rollin', the offense is much more efficient..."

Rod spends the next 5 minutes talking about pitchout strategy...

(Granderson just beats a pickoff throw) "Granderson is getting a maximum lead!" (Rod likes it!)

(Talking about the Tigers missing Sheff's presence) "Not to mention his baserunning skee-ills"

(Looks at the upcoming schedule, sees the mid September games with the Indians) "Those will be HUGE...We hope." (Rod's concerned...)

(A Magglio RBI single!) "He's a HITTING machine!"

(Nunez is out of the game for KC, and not happy about it!) "He threw his glove, then he threw is glove again, then he took it out on his hat!" (Rod is tickled!)

(Nunez is shown throwing his cap) "HMM-HUH!" (Rod does sound effects! Is there anything Rod can't do?)

(Polanco makes a nice play on a ground ball in short right field) "The infielder's been flashing some leather!" (Rod is quite happily impressed!)

(Inge with some leather, gets the out!) Brandon's got a pretty quick first step!" "If he's got to leave his feet, he doesn't get him at 1st!" (Rod is obsessing over footwork!)

(Mario is talking about the speed of KC's Gaithright from home to 1st) "That's flyin'!" "Track star, probably..." (Rod is aghast!)

Rod goes on to talk about the difference between Bonderman's 2 seam and 4 seam fastball. Rod likes the 4 seamer! "He throws it for strikes!"

8th inning

(KC's catcher stops a pitch with his neck) "Ouch." (Rod shows no sympathy for the opposition!)

Rod is claiming that it's easier for pitchers to make the jump from the low minors to the majors than position players during Maybin's at bat. Sure thing, Rod...

Rod quotes the Marlboro Man about Kenny Rogers effect on the rotation, and not just his helping the young pitchers - "He won 17 games last year...That's what we miss most!" Rod agrees...

(Bonderman is done for the day) "He had that look in his eye from the first pitch of the game." (Rod is suitably impressed!)

(Speaking about Fernando Rodney's early issues) Now he's healthy. He wasn't being truthful..." (Rod can handle the truth!)

Rod asks Mario about Bonderman's first pitch strikes, told he was 17-27. "That's good, good!"

Rod learns that Mario's fantasy football draft is after the Tigers' series in Oakland, but he's curious if college fantasy football is as big. Mario schools Rod on FF. Obviously Rod has better things to do than play fantasy sports!

9th inning

(Polanco doubles!) "Boy, does he swing a magic wand! Unbelievable!" (Rod sounds content. This game is over.)

Mario pimps the upcoming Oakland series, Rod advises the fans to, "Get a power nap during the day!" Damn straight, Rod! Sage advice...

(Zumaya in for the bottom of the 9th, Rod gets serious) "He looks like a complete pitcher now, which is the blueprint he needs to follow till his arm strength comes back." (I hope Zumaya gets the advice given from God Rod!)

(Shot of some comely female Wayne State U Tigers fans in the KC stands) "They got the faces painted an every-thang!" (Rod likes what he sees!)

Rod gets quiet again, Mario calls the final outs. Tigers win, 6-1!

Post game

(Granderson is the Tiger player of the game) "When he goes, the team goes." "Another fine performance by their very talented center fielder." (Rod has given Granderson his blessing, he should be honored!)

As always, Rod scores big with his wit and wisdom. And that's it for Rod and Mario from KC, and for yours truly from TWFE HQ... Keep up the nice footwork, folks!


  1. I think it's clear from today's results that you need to do this for every game.

    Hey, a girl can hope!

  2. Don't tempt me! We'll see, as I have nothing going on, and the games are on the west coast this weekend. Hmmm. I may have to take one for the team...

  3. If there is anything I miss most when I can't catch the Tigers (which seems like all of the time as of late) it's listening to Rod Allen.