5 stages of Detroit Lions fandom

We all know the "5 Stages of Grief."

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

As Detroit Lions fans, we go through a similar physiological process every NFL season. That being the "5 Stages of Detroit Lions Fandom."

Hope - This is the stage where we ignore the past, while deluding ourselves into thinking that this season will be different! Before the NFL season starts, we tend to forget the previous season(s) of ineptitude. We hope that Matt Millen didn't blow the draft...Again We hope that Rod Marinelli has learned from his mistakes. We hope that William Clay Ford will sell the team. We hope for a winning record. We hope for a .500 record. We hope the Lions don't become a laughingstock. More than anything, we just hope for the best. Normally, we fans remain in this stage till halftime of the 1st game of the regular season. In 2007, we were able to remain in this blissfully ignorant stage until the 1st quarter of the Philadelphia Eagles game debacle. During that loss though, our hope quickly turned into...

Rage - The Eagles game woke us from our happily deluded stupor, and pissed us off royally! The rage kicks in when we take off our Honolulu blue and silver colored glasses for the 1st time, and see the Lions as they truly are. A badly flawed team run by an inexperienced head coach that is woefully short on talent. We rage at the inexplicable coaching decisions. A defense that can't get a 3rd down stop if their lives depended on it. An offense that moves between the 20's at will, but can't convert in the red zone. Special teams gaffes. False starts. Dropped passes. Sacks. Missed tackles. Look out blocks. Blown challenges. Embarrassing losses. Wasted opportunities. But rage can only last for so long, as it's so exhausting. Once the rage peters out after a few games, it leads to...

Depression - The "Woe is me" stage of fandom, where you mentally beat yourself up for allowing yourself to fall into the Lions vortex of suck over and over and over, season after season. You think that nothing, absolutely nothing, will ever change when it comes to the Lions. You'd rather take a long walk off a short pier than subject yourself to watching another torturous Lions loss. You see fans of other teams enjoying their success, and you wonder, "Why that can't be us?" This painful stage normally lasts up to the midpoint of the season, when you finally realize that the Lions aren't worth all the angst. Thus we enter the stage that the Lions organization fears most...

Apathy - The "Who gives a shit about the Lions" stage. All hope of a successful season is long gone by this point, so why get yourself all riled up over a lousy football team? If the Lions do happen to win? That's nice, but the occasional win is not going to lead to anything, so there's no reason to get excited. If the Lions lose? No big deal, it's not as if they weren't already out of the playoffs anyway. It's just another loss, what game is on the tube next? Have tickets? You sell them to some poor sap who hasn't yet become apathetic. You've moved on, not allowing yourself to become emotionally involved. You'll go shopping with the significant instead of watching the game. You'd rather watch another game, one that has meaning between 2 good teams, than watch the latest Lions debacle. You've been hurt so many times before by the Lions, it's easier to say "Fuck it, I'm done! See ya next season!" To get yourself through the few remaining games of the season, you move on to the final stage...

Hilarity - You find humor, instead of dread, in the Lions foibles. Sarcasm abounds when talking about the latest loss. Jokes about the Lions become all the rage. Remember the 2001 season? you couldn't avoid hearing jokes about the Lions ineptitude. It's open mike night in regard to the Detroit Lions.

The average American will travel 100 miles this Thanksgiving, except the Detroit Lions...They cant even go ten yards.

What is the smallest room at Ford Field? The trophy room

What's the difference between the Detroit Lions the Taliban? The Taliban have a running game.

Oldies but goodies, but as the losses pile up, laughter is the best medicine. Poking fun at ourselves and the Lions is the final stage of accepting our fate as Lions fans.

After the season comes to a merciful end, the circle of Lions fandom begins anew, starting with the NFL draft. Hope, as always, springs eternal...

EVERYBODY PANIC!!! - Fans are blithering idiots edition

After Tuesday's loss to the Tribe, if you checked out the Detroit Tigers message boards, or tuned into local sports talk radio, you'd read/hear the following...

Gary Sheffield's shoulder may need surgery. His career is over!

Did you see that last at bat?! The Tigers need to cut ties with Pudge Rodriguez, IMMEDIATELY!

Justin Verlander is overrated, he should be pitching lights out!

Jeremy Bonderman and Justin Verlander aren't themselves, they need to be sat down, and skipped a start. In fact, while they are at it, let's clean out the bullpen, and cut of all the deadwood!

Another loss? The Tigers season is over, no way they make the playoffs!

In other words, it's Chicken Little time in Tiger Town.

Pardon my French, but this needs to be said...

What the fuck is the matter with you people? Think before you fucking post or talk! Let your emotions boil back down to a simmer before pulling such off the wall, knee jerk, reactionary opinions out of your no-nothing ass! The Tigers slump has you fans losing your fucking minds! I've never seen such a God damn bipolar fanbase. 1 win doesn't make a season, 1 loss doesn't end it! Take your fucking meds before the damn game! Get yourself together, and act like you've lived through a pennant race before!

OK, now that is out of my system, let's try to look at these issues somewhat rationally...

Sheffield's shoulder: According to media reports. straight from Sheffield's quotable mouth, his shoulder is a painful mess. As someone who lives with chronic shoulder pain, I can sympathize with Sheff. It can make you absolutely miserable. Honestly, I would not be surprised if he misses more than just the home stand, and it ends his season. But that might be for the best. In the long run, anyway.

If surgery cleans up his shoulder, combined with an off season to rehab it, there is no reason to expect Sheffield couldn't come back 100% in 2008. Considering he has 2 years at $13 million per season left on his contract, he has 13 million reasons to come back, with his bat speed hopefully intact.

The Sheffield situation bears watching closely. It's a big blow to the Tigers chances if he's out for more than a few games. But it's still much too early to call Sheff's season, and career for that matter, done.

Pudge: He ended tonight's game with an awful at bat, swinging at what was probably ball 4 on strikes 2 and 3. Pudge's OBP is dropping dangerously close to Craig Monroe territory. His defense looks to have fallen off as well. He obviously in decline, as any catcher in his mid 30's would be. The catching "Situation" is definitely something the Tigers will address, in some way, this coming off season.

But let's say the Tigers do cut ties with Rodriguez going into 2008. Who do you have replace him that's already on the roster? Mike Rabelo? Get serious. Vance Wilson? He may not be healthy by the start of next season,after missing 2007 in it's entirety.

There's no catching in the farm system. You don't find any catchers on the waiver wire. They are next to impossible to come by in free agency. It's going to take a big time prospect, or a front line player, to get a good major league catcher in a trade.

It's either that, or keep Pudge for one more season, and pick up his expensive contract option. It's a qunadry, to be sure. But either way, you don't cut ties with Pudge unless you have exhausted each and every option in finding a young, big league ready, catcher. Good luck in doing so, as you are going to need it.

I doubt Pudge is going anywhere, because there is no other option. Period. Get used to it. No walks, bad OPB, declining defense and all that comes with him...

Verlander: For the 2nd season in a row, he may have run out of gas. Verlander is definitely struggling, without question. His velocity isn't always there, and his command, to put it bluntly, has gone to shit. Verlander may have hit the proverbial wall.

But to call him overrated? Say he needs to do more? Please, get a God damn grip. Verlander may be the best young starting pitcher in baseball. He has the chance to be great. It's a bit much to expect greatness in the kid's 2nd major league season, at the ripe old age of 24.

Verlander has pitched more innings in the last 2 seasons than he has probably pitched in the 5 years previous, combined. And many of those innings have been of the high pressure sort, in the middle of a pennant race.

Despite what some fans think, Verlander shouldn't have to be, or expected to be, the Tigers ace. Not in his 2nd season.

Fans are expecting too much from Verlander. He's going to make mistakes. He's going to have bad nights. He sometimes throws, rather than pitches. But remember this. He's only in his 2nd fucking big league season!

Skip starts, and/or make sweeping changes in the pen: OK, say you skip Bonderman or Verlander a start or 2. Which leads to one question. Replace them with who?

Jair Jurrjens? He's already in the rotation in place of Kenny Rogers. Admittedly, he was great against the Indians, but it was only his 2nd big league start. He could be pitching over his head, and the league may soon figure him out. It's too soon to tell.

Chad Durbin? He was no great shakes in his recent spot starts. For that matter, who takes Durbin's place in the pen? I thought you wanted that to be wiped clean of the likes of Zach Miner and Jason Grilli?

Zach Miner? See what I said about Durbin.

Virgil Vasquez or Jordan Tata? You want to thrust them into the middle of a pennant race? Please. The Tigers are already gambling with Jurrjens. You can't seriously expect them to continue to catch pitching lightening in a bottle. It's too much to ask.

If Verlander or Bonderman were skipped a start or 2 at this point, if they aren't legitimately injured, the Tigers brain trust would be considered criminally insane. Why? Because they don't have any one else!

If you were going to skip their turn, you would have done so by now. It's too late in the season, and the games are too important, to start resting pitchers who are currently your number 1 and 2 in the rotation! It's too damn late. You might as well hand the division to the Indians on a platter if you do.

Same goes for the bullpen, it's too late to clear the bench. I want Grilli gone just as much as the next guy. But who do the Tigers have to replace him, or anyone else, in the pen? Rodney and Zumaya are already back, and pitching well. What of McBride, Capellan, Bazardo, Lopez, De La Cruz? If they were considered good enough, they would have stayed in Detroit, and not looking for an apartment in Toledo.

The Tigers have what they have in the rotation, and in the bullpen. You don't make make sweeping changes when... 1 - It's late August! And.. 2 - You are only 1.5 games out of 1st place! You just don't...

The Tigers season is over: Again, it needs to be repeated. It has to be repeated, over and over. The Tigers are only 1.5 games out of 1st place! That's one and one half games, with more than a month left in the season. No way is the season close to being over.

Cleveland hasn't been any better than the Tigers over this past month. The Tribe are just as flawed a team as the Tigers. It's not as if the Tigers have to pass a juggernaut to win the central.

Yes, they are struggling. The Tigers have stumbled badly. But they are totally capable of ripping off a 7 or 8 game winning streak. Admittedly, they are just as capable of losing 7 or 8 straight games, but that is besides the point. The point is that the season isn't over!

It's a 162 game season. Have they played all 162? Last time I checked, they haven't.

Want an example that the season isn't, as they say, over till it's over? Just go back to 1987.

The Tigers lost 3 straight to the 1st place Blue Jays with little more than a week left in the season. Talk about a season being on the brink, but it wasn't yet over.

Detroit won the last game of the 4 game series, much in thanks to Kirk Gibson hitting a monstrous home run at Exhibition Stadium to tie the game 1-1 in the top of the 9th. The Tigers went on to win the game in 13 innings.

The Tigers then finished the season on a 6-1 tear. The Jays went into a death spiral, finishing 0-7. Tigers won the division, even though 1 week earlier, it looked as if, (Say it with me...) "The season is over!"

So to go and say, "OH MY GAWD! Teh Tigers is teh suck! Indians pwned them! Teh season is over!" when the Tigers are still in both the divisional and wild card races is ludicrous. Sure, if, and that's "IF," they continue to stumble around like a bunch of drunken Seattle Pilots circa 1969, of course the season will end sooner, than later. But to say it's a done deal? Come on...

Today's another day, and another opportunity to make up a game against the Tribe. Win or lose, at the very least, save the Chicken Little shit for September, OK? Till then, I don't want to fucking hear it...

Please, make it stop. We've heard ENOUGH about Boston sports

I'm up to here with news about Boston teams, and hearing how good they are currently, going to be, or used to be. Enough already!

Did you know that Kevin Garnett was traded to the greatest NBA team of all time, the Boston Celtics? That he's going to play alongside Paul Pierce and Ray Allen, and win multiple titles?

How could you not?

All I've heard since the trade was made is that this makes Boston the favorite in the east, and that having a Celtics team that matters is in the NBA's best interest. Of course, many of those those pronouncements are coming from Boston fans and the east coast centric media.

I thank God every day that there isn't a suck ass movie about the Detroit Pistons fanbase...

First off, having a team that matters in ANY large media market, not just Boston, is in the NBA's best interest. If the Celtics played in Charlotte, multiple titles or not, no one would give a shit.

Till the Celtics find a legit point guard and a center, the only championship they'll have locked up is the one for hype. Hype that the rest of the nation is already tired of in regard to any and every Boston team. (See the hype over the Eric Gagne trade. I hear the Red Sox have already won the AL pennant, and for that matter, Randy Moss has won the 2008 Super Bowl for the Patriots.)

Speaking of hype, has there been a team more hyped in the NFL off season than the Patriots?

Sure, the Pats were bad to average for most of their existence, but since they started winning big? The Pats, and their fanbase, have become insufferable. Tom Brady is better than Peyton Manning, Johnny Unitas, Dan Marino, and Joe Montana, combined. Bill Belichick is not an adulturer who broke up a marriage, but a genius, if not a God. The Patriots have become the "Team " all should emulate. Lord help me...

The expectations for the Patriots, already high, are now through the roof, thanks to their acquiring an admittedly talented, but also a troublemaking, lazy, and well known locker room cancer, wide receiver Randy Moss. If you believe Pats fans, and the MSM (With Belichick acolyte Peter King on point), Moss will lead the Pats to several Super Bowls.

Actually, the only thing Moss has ever lead any team to is trouble, and the nearest bong. But to a championship? Never. But that's not keeping the Boston hype machine from shifting into overdrive.

As bad as it once was for Patriots fans, we've never heard the end as to how tough it is to root for the Red Sox. Right. I'm damn sure it's soul-suckingly hard to root for a team whose payroll rivals the GNP of most European countries.

In case you didn't know, Red Sox fans aren't the only fanbase that has ever suffered. In fact, to say they "Suffered" is overstating things by more than just a little bit, you think?

Historically, the BoSox are almost always competitive, more often than not make the playoffs, can afford to sign the best free agents, and have been doted upon by the MSM. That's suffering?

If given a choice between rooting for the Red Sox, or watching "Fever Pitch,"
I'd have to ask...Is death an option?

So they had some near misses before they won it all in 2004. Ask a fan of, say the Cubs, Mariners or Brewers, if they'd rather have "Suffered" as much as the Boston Red Sox fan. They've had just as much, if not more, heartbreak, than your average Red Sox fan, yet you don't see HBO specials, or awful Jimmy Fallon movies, about those fans. (Let's not even talk about the embarrassment that was "Celtic Pride." Think Dan Aykroyd lists that turkey on his resume?)

Boston fans aren't as special as they'd like to think. They are just like any you would find in Detroit, Philly, or Chicago, to name just 3 cities. Actually, when it comes down to it, they are just as much the bandwagon type in Beantown as you'd find in any other big league city.

The Bruins are ignored. Hell, they've ignored the NHL since Cam Neely retired, and started showing up in every Farrelly brothers flick. The Celtics have been long headed in the same direction as the Bruins, till Danny Ainge somehow stumbled across Ray Allen and Garnett. After those trades, the fans in Boston are going to jump on the Celtics' bandwagon so fast and hard, they'll break it.

Here's a shocker... The sports world does not revolve around the New York-Boston axis. If the Sox don't make the playoffs, despite what the worldwide leader and FOX would like you to believe, the sports world will not come to an end, and the nation will still care who wins the World Series. Same goes for the Patriots and the NFL, and the Celtics and the NBA.

Regardless of rumors to the contrary, the Stanley Cup still gets contested for every year, despite Boston no longer giving a shit about the Bruins. The BCS is still quite the big deal, even though the northeast cares as much about college football as much as I care to watch "Fever Pitch" and "Celtic Pride."

Is there a sports fan with a bigger sense of entitlement than the fans in Boston? Good lord, no. In fact, the Boston sports fan is "Hubris" defined. Supposedly, no fan is better, no fan cares as much, no fan has suffered as long, and no city is as rabid about sports than they are Boston. And they'll tell you as such...

At least, for today anyway, it isn't all about Boston. The Sporting News saw fit to honor a city and fanbase that doesn't have the arrogant pretension of the entitled Boston fan...

Think the Tigers will be the death of you?

As I was flipping through my latest issue of "Baseball Digest" magazine, which is the rose colored glasses view of MLB, I ran into something that wasn't quite so rosy, especially for the 12 year olds that read the digest for it's not all that insightful info.

While flipping through my digest, and perusing the quite normal ads for games, books, posters, and collectibles, one abnormal advertisement stood out. Mostly due to it being in color, but also thanks to it being kind of grim. But even "Baseball Digest" needs to pay the bills...

The ad did bring a question to mind. Just how big of a baseball fan are you?

Think you are a Tigers fan? A real Tigers fan? A Tigers fan both in life, and in death? Well, there is now a way to prove it, and it's officially licensed by MLB to boot!

I told you the Neifi Perez signing would be the death of me! Did anyone believe me? Nooooo!

When that next Todd Jones blown save, Craig Monroe strikeout with runners in scoring position, or Neifi appearance, is that last straw, and like the Norwegian Blue, you kick the bucket, shuffle off this mortal coil, run down the curtain, and join the choir invisible, you can now grace the top of your big screen TV with your ashes in your Detroit Tigers Urn!

Your remains couldn't end up in a nicer piece of MLB memorabilia. How could you not want to be cremated, then be put on display with such style?

Eternal Image gives you the lowdown, while reminding you that "Rooting for that special team was a lifelong commitment..."

Each Major League Baseball™ urn is hand-designed using die-cast aluminum with proprietary clear coat finish and sits atop a Home Plate-shaped base outlined in black. Each also features a baseball display dome at the top in which a favorite collectible baseball can be displayed. (Please note: the urn comes with a baseball, which the purchaser or family can replace with a special ball from their own collection.)

It comes with a baseball? Hot damn, I'm sold. Give me 2! (Why 2? In case of reincarnation, of course. With my luck though, I'd come back a...//shudder//Red Sox fan.)

You say cremation isn't your style? Think you have chance to become a zombie, thus prefer to keep your body? Eternal Images has you covered buried, in your very own Detroit Tigers casket. (MLB licensed, of course. Even in death, it's advisable to stay on Bud Selig's good side...)

Be you Count Dracula, or Count Chocula, you couldn't ask for nicer digs...

But don't get all excited just yet. Not all teams get the honor of being set on mantles, or interned in mausoleums. Only a select few get the death treatment.

If you are a fan of either the St. Louis Cardinals, Atlanta Braves, Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs, Detroit Tigers, Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Yankees and Philadelphia Phillies, you are set in your deathly fandom.

Unfortunately, if you are a fan of the likes of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays or Kansas City Royals, there's no casket or urn for your poor soul. Not you would want to broadcast that fact in death, or in life, for that matter.

Personally, I'm waiting for a Detroit Tigers MLB licensed cryogenic chamber...