Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Who will be the next coach of the Detroit Lions?

Today, as after I woke from one of my too frequent naps, there was a note that had been slipped under my door. What did this note contain? William Clay Ford's short list of replacements for Rod Marinelli. No shit!

The names on the list, with my thoughts, follow.

Wayne Fontes: Why the Hell not? Playoffs every other year, then a high draft pick in the years the Lions miss the post season. The Big Buck was made of Teflon, a master scapegoater, players LOVED him and the media were hugely entertained by him. The fact we all pine for those days of of high drama, higher comedy and utter mediocrity says something. Not something good, but something all the same. Plus, he's available.

The bad old days...

Beefshower: In the comments to this post, Beefshower, aka Andrew of the Mickey Tettleton Memorial Overpass, threw his hat into the Lions coaching ring. Word must have reached WCF, as he's on the short list. I'll let Andrew's words speak for themselves.

"I'm throwing my hat into the ring for the coaching job. Let me run the same 8 plays from my tecmo super bowl playbook and I guarantee 50 points a game. I don't know what I'd do on defense though. Maybe I'll try to talk David Fulcher out of retirement."

Sounds like one of The Big Buck's run and shoot offenses, actually. Where's Mouse Davis these days? But I digress...

Beefshower or Steve Nash?
Not even their mothers can tell the difference...

For those of you who don't know who Fulcher is, he was only the best defender in Tecmo Super Bowl, if not all of football video gaming. Obviously, Andrew knows what he's talking about. You have to admire a man with a plan. The only question is, does Beefshower have the time, with his budding law career? Hell, we both know he'd take the running the Lions over becoming the next Matlock in a New York minute, though I'm sure Andrew looks dandy wearing a seersucker suit...

Lloyd Carr: When not hanging out with BFF Russell Crowe or plotting against Les Miles, Lllloyd doesn't have anything better to do right now. 4 loss seasons raised the hackles of Wolverine nation, but 4 loss seasons with the Lions would get Lllloyd his own statue in front of Ford Field.

This has to be a photoshop.
As we all know, Lllloyd NEVER smiled.

Gary Moeller: Ditto...when he's not getting trashed in restaurants.

Then again, what's drunkenly bitching out a waitstaff when Fontes got busted with nose candy? For some reason I cannot fathom, WCF likes Moeller. It may be due to the fact Mo is one of the few head coaches in Lions' history with a winning record, a big time 4-3.

The reason behind Moeller's drunken tirade?
The waiter made fun of the straight brim on his cap.

Bill Ford, Jr: As it appears the Fords are making plenty of personnel decisions from the owner's box (the drafting, then starting, of Joey Blue Skies being one of the more prominent examples), let's just cut out the middleman, and put a Ford on the sidelines. Considering Ford Motor Company is struggling to stay solvent, Junior may have plenty of time on his hands to run his father's meal ticket.

"I was this close to choking Millen out..."

Bobby Williams: Token minority interview.

The most famous quote from Williams' MSU tenure?
"I don't know."

Eric Taylor, aka the coach running the Dillon Panthers on NBC's Friday Night Lights: Turns out WCF is a fan of of the show. Unfortunately, Ford believes he's watching a documentary.

Why interview a high school coach?
WCF really wants to meet his HOT wife...

Matt Millen: When a Ford is paying you $5 million a season, he expects you to earn it. Also, you cannot deny WCF loves Matt Millen like a red headed stepson. I'd think Millen would be interested, as long as he could commute from Pennsylvania. Show up in the D Friday morning, fly out Sunday night, just like when he was president and GM. It'll be just like old times!

"You'll rue the day I was fired!
Uh, what's 'rue' mean?"

It's going to be a long, scary coaching search, sports fans!

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