Inside Jim Leyland's brain...

I need a smoke. Damn, I need a smoke.

Where's the clubhouse boy? If he doesn't get here soon, I'm going to have a nicotine fit. I sent him for a carton of reds an hour ago! He best not bring me back those wussy 100's, or God forbid, menthols. I told him, "Reds, box, not soft pack." If he screws this up, he'll end up like the kid that brought back a pack of Parliments. Parliments? Fuckin' Christ.


Good thing I keep my smokin' on the QT. What would people say if they knew I got tossed from the Twins game because I was in the throes of a nicotine fit? I had to get back in the clubhouse, and hit a red. HARD. Thank God that bullshit call about the rundown gave me an out.

Is it game time yet? Nope. Got time for a cancer stick. Do I have any left? I sure as Hell don't want to dive into the ashtray, lookin' for butts. It's unseemly, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do...Yes! Now where's my Zippo?

AHHHHHHH, smoke of the Gods. Manna from Phillip Morris. Nicotine is my friend.

How long till game time? Still have 15 minutes?Thank fuckin' God. Is the kid back with that carton? It better be reds...

OK, now that I have a couple of smokes in my system, let's make out the lineup.

Lead off? Pudge. HA! I know he still thinks he's a 3 hole hitter. Hittin' lead off keeps him in his toes, he sure as Hell isn't going to submarine me like he did Trammell. I need a smoke.

2nd? Polly. He's been fuckin' Superman so far. Dombrowski sure cornholed the Phillies on that deal. That's what they deserve for not hiring me, the pricks. I need a smoke.

3rd, we'll plug in Sheff. He has such a man crush on me. I had to laugh when he went of on the O's the other day. "No one talks trash about my manager!" HA! Thank Phillip Morris he's startin' to hit. I need a smoke.

4th will be Maggs. I hate that fuckin' hair, but he's hittin' like stink.

5th? Guillen. He's made of fuckin' glass, but what are you gonna do? Put in Infante? Yeah, right. I need a smoke.

6th, let's go with the Mayor. I hope the media is buyin' my BS that his glove is savin' us runs. What a load! They'll believe any God damn thing I tell 'em. I can't believe we have a 1st baseman with 2 fuckin' RBI! LaRussa calls every damn day rubbin' it in. It's always Pujols this and Pujols that. Just to fuck with me, the son of a bitch. Christ. Tomorrow, I'm playing Pudge at 1st, just to piss him off. It's fun, and it's easy. HA! I need a smoke.

7th? Hmmm. Monroe. Thames. Monroe. Thames. Who to play? I'll play...Monroe. If Casey keeps hittin' like Neifi, Thames is playin' 1st base. Full fuckin' time. I need a smoke.

8th, it'll be Inge. Even if he's hittin' like Neifi, I got no choice. Dombrowski gave the scatterarm a 4 year deal, but what are you gonna do? Put in Infante? Yeah, right. I need a smoke.

9th? Grandy. I know he should be hittin' leadoff, but it's so much fun to fuck with Pudge! HA! I need a smoke.

OK, lineup's done. Game time! I need a smoke. Damn, I need a smoke.