Detroit Tigers - Texas Rangers kinda sorta live blog, game 1

As the doofs on WXYT's Big Show, Doug Karsh and Scott "Gator" "I fancy myself an impressionist" Anderson, were calling today the most important regular season day since the final days of the 1987 season, and despite the hyperbole, they had a point, so I'm going to kinda sorta live blog today.

Add in the fact that my plans for the day fell through, I have some time on my hands, I'm missing out on Billfer's blogging get together at Comerica tonight (Damn!), and the last time I did this (My Rod Allen running diary), the Tigers won, and won big. So I figured, "Why not?"

The Cat, former Tiger and someone that would like just dandy as part of a Detroit outfield platoon leads off with a lazy fly ball to left. And we're off!

Kinsler singles of off of Durbin. If I was on a message board, now is when I would chime in with, "Fuck, the season is over! Fire Lelyand!"

Shit, another single, this time from Young! Damn, the season really is over!

Marvin Hudson, 3rd base ump, blows out a wheel. Game is delayed. Better him than a Tiger.

The Rangers have Marlon Byrd hitting cleanup. All I can say is, "Who?"

Nice play by the Mayor to run down a foul pop in right. As a former 1st baseman myself, I appreciate how hard that play is for any 1st sacker. Not that I was all that good, but being tall and left handed, I was automatically made a 1st baseman when I was 5. I remained one through little league and school, until my retirement from slow pitch softball in my late 30's. By the time I quit playing, I was just as slow as Casey...

Damn, Granderson misplays a liner, falls in for a single. 1-0 Rangers. Shit, trade Grandy, he blows! Sorry, thought I was on a message board for a sec...

Granderson leads off, can he make up for his misplay? Rod and Mario are wax rhapsodic over Grandy, I can hear the hard ons forming... Bah. Can of corn to left. I was right, trade his ass!

TEE-MO time! Mario says TEE-MO is hitting .439 since his call up. Didn't see that coming, put him in center, bench Grandy!!! As soon as I write that, TEE-MO walks! TEE-MO! TEE-MO!

The Mayor is hitting 3rd, no Sheff today. Damn Leyland and his goofy ass orders. Pop up to 2nd. Damn you Leyland! //shakes fist at sky//

The AL MVP is up. God damn, is he having a year to remember... Up to .359, 8 points up on that Oriental guy in the Pacific Northwest. Full count on the MVP. Damn, 10 hopper to short. 1-0 bad guys after 1. Season's over...

Damn it! Thames just misses nabbing a big fly to left, tips off his glove, hits the top of the fence, and goes over! SHIT! HR Murphy, 2-0 bad guys. Durbin isn't at his best so far...

But he recovers to get a pop up to short. Still, he needs to shut down the Rangers, they blow. Oooo, nice play by Rabelo corralling a bunt. Rod agrees with me, wholeheartedly.

Rod now goes off on a tangent about the footwork of catchers when throwing. As we all know, Rod loves him some footwork! Hard liner to the Mayor, and it's 2-0 bad guys after 1 1/2.

Guillen leads off, feigns a bunt. Rod loves it, as the 3rd baseman is well back. Rod says that Carlos tells him, though he is a team player, Carlos feels he can still play SS at a high level, and help the team. Hmmm, controversy brewing? 4-3 ground out, controversy averted for the time being.

Thames nearly decapitates the pitcher with a shattered bat, gives Rod and Mario a scare, but it's another 4-3 out.

Rabelo K's. 1-2-3 inning. 2-0 Rangers after 2. Game and season over, right?

Gotta love the Ilitich properties cross promotions, Mario pimps Red Wings tix, "They are the hottest tickets in town!" Yeah, as if I'm lining up to see 12 games against the damn BJ's, Blues, and Blackhawks. How about letting a few Original 6 teams come to town more than once every 5 seasons?! Fuck you, Bettman!

Durbin plunks Kinsler! Christ! Ouch, right on the wrist. Durbin claims it hit the bat, but no such luck.

There's action in the pen, and it's more than just Todd Jones' man boobs jiggling, it's Tim Byrdak warming up. At least Durbin gets Young on a foul pop to the Mayor.

SHIT! Marlon "Who?" Byrd goes yard to deep right. 4-0 Texas. Let's get Durbin the Hell out before the game gets totally out of hand! Rod brings up Leyland's quote after last night's win, that it won't mean a thing if they don't get good pitching today. So far, Leyland is God damn Nostradamus.

Fly to left, 2 down, but a Texas leaguer to left by Blalock goes for a 2 bagger. The Marlboro Man has seen enough, he knows they are in a pennant race, and can't give away a game.

Goodbye Durbin, hello Byrdak, goodbye season?

Ground ball to the left of Inge, and...He fucking boots it! But he's still athletic! Runners on the corners, still 2 away.

Wild pitch! SHITFUCKJESUSGODDAMMIT!

Rod isn't happy, "This is not the way you want to come out after a victory like that." Then he gets the K! Christ. 5-0 bad guys going into the bottom of the 3rd...

FSD plays back a sound bite of Leyland after last nights game. Mumbles something about injuries are part of the game, and there are no excuses. Well, that was what Mario translated for us, anyway.

Inge gets hit by the pitch. Good, I hope it fucking hurt, you overpaid hack!

Kinsler makes a nice diving stop on an Infante ground ball, gets the force at 2nd. Tigers can't buy a break today. Payback for last night's miracle?

Christ, Granderson K's looking. But on the bright side, it's now TEE-MO time!

And he hits Infante on what would have been a ground ball single. Jesus H God Damn Christ, what's going on? Tigers down 5-zip after 3. This is not going well.

Byrdak starts the 4th inning with a K. That's more like it. Then gives up a walk. Capellan is warming up, and here comes the Marlboro Man to pull Byrdak? Damn, that was quick. Leyland is pulling out the pitching stops in this game.

While Capellan warms up, Rod and Mario try to figure out the pronunciation of Jair Jurrjens' name. It's JA-eer JUR-jennz, right?

Yes, strike him out, throw him out! Double play, inning over, 5-0 Rangers after 4 1/2.

As Fox Sports Detroit has to get in every second of a WWE commercial, we miss the Mayor flying out.

Magglio is up, and Rod and Mario seem resigned to the fact that the pretty boy in NY who slaps wussily at 1st baseman's gloves, A-Rod, is going to win MVP. As Maggs walks, Rod asks Mario if A-Rod has MVP locked up. In 50 round about words, Mario says, "Yes."

AHHH, shit! Guillen K's looking. 2 down.

Vincente Padilla is cruising, and not in the way Al Pacino did in the movie of the same name. Not so fast, a Thames grounder in the hole at short, and they don't get the force! 2 on, 2 out.

Mighty Mike Rabelo to the plate. Rod and Mario get a giggle out of Rabelo's intro music. Even though he's from Florida, he uses "Sweet Home Alabama." Must be Skynnrd fan... Any guy that likes classic southern rock is OK in my book. Next year, let's hear some Molly Hatchet or The Outlaws! Marshall Tucker Band forever!

GODDAMMIT! Another K looking on a slow ass deuce. The bats have gone dead today.

Top of 5, and a quick 4-3 ground ball from Young. Marlin "Who?" Byrd now up.

Jesus! "Who?" goes deep again, a line shot to deep left center. Hit it a fuckin' ton. This game is not looking like anything other than a Rangers win.

Then Botts, hitting number 5, just misses a HR to right, yanks it just foul. Capellan is showing the same type of stuff he showed in his 1st Tigers go round. IE: Shitty. Botts takes a base on balls.

Wild pitch. Christ almighty... Carlos Guilen wanders over to the mound from SS. Looked like he said, "THROW FUCKING STRIKES YOU ASSHAT!"

Guillen's visit worked, as Blalock K's, swinging.

But the visit worked for only 1 batter. Murphy triples down the right field line, run scores. Capellan is throwing BP. 7-0 Rangers. ARRGH! Words fail me.

Boo birds out in force, as Capellan throws a laser straight, down the middle fastball on a 3-1 count. Salty goes waaaay deep to right. Rod admits that it's batting practice for the Rangers. 9-0 Texas.

Fuck. Vasquez goes deep. 10-0 Rangers. 8-9 hitters go back to back. Sad performance by the Tigers' pitching.

Looks like Leyland is going to use Capellan as a sacrificial lamb, in order to save to pen. Though Bazardo is up.

Can of corn to center, the Tigers finally get out of the inning. Mock cheering for Capellan from the Comerica faithful. Shitty game, to say the very least.

Bottom 5, Mike Hessman at bat for the hack, Inge. Shatters bat, looper to SS, 1 out. Grim feelings about the season quickly returning.

Infante K's, swinging, .154 hitting Cameron Maybin at the plate. Hey! C-Bin (C-May?) beats out a chopper to 2nd! God damn, he can motor. Rod says, "Speed will cause you to rush." Damn straight, Rod.

TEE-MO time!!! Time to end the inning, that is. Fly to right, 10-0 after 5.

Top of 6. Bazardo in, gets a quick pop up to SS. and a fly to right. 2 out. At least it doesn't look like Rangers BP now. It's a liner to left, Thames grabs it, a very quick inning for Bazardo. Where was Bazardo in the 5th?

Casey walks to start the bottom of the 6th inning. Benches are being emptied, Brent Clevlen in for Ordonez, quickly K's. Figures.

Santiago in for Guillen. Leyland has officially raised the white flag of surrender. Fly to left center for out #2.

Thames pops up to short to end the inning. Why was I doing this?

w00t! Santiago oles! a sharp one hop liner, get the 1st out. If only Santiago could hit even TEE-MO's career average...

Holy schnikes! Blalock takes a Bazardo pitch to the deepest, darkest parts of Comerica's center field, and sends it well into the greenery. Holy fuck, he crushed it. Rod says it went 440'. I believe it. 11-0 Rangers

Murphy doubles to right. This isn't funny anymore.

Bazardo gets out of the inning, leaving Murphy stranded. Time for the 7th inning stretch, and I think we can safely assume that this game is over.

Time for a comeback, right? Well, it's possible, right? Here we go! Rabelo grounds weakly to 1st, 3-1 on the out. So much for that comeback.

There we go! Hessman with a humpback liner to left. 1 on, 1 out.

Infante to the plate. Rally time! Whatever happened to "Gum time?" Bah. Infante K's swinging, Maybin grounds into a fielder's choice, 5-4. 11-0 after 7. This is not cool. Not cool at all.

I'm back after taking a phone call from my mother. All is well, thank God, as she had a scare earlier today.

Good Lord, 2 consecutive outs by Bazardo? WTF? Praise Chuck Hernandez!

And it's a 1-2-3 inning, about 3 innings too late. Tigers still losing big going into the bottom of the 8th. I'm going to stick it out to the end of the game. Call me a masochist. "You're a masochist, Al."

It's TEE-MO time! Base hit to right! If they can string together about 15 straight singles, the Tigers can make a game of it! Fingers are crossed...

The Mayor is up to the plate. Single to center! 2 singles down, 13 more singles in a row to go!

Clevlen is up. I have a good feeling here... 3-2 count, as Rod goes on about Clevlen's "Talent." And it's a 6-4-3 double play, Casey to 3rd.

I told you had a feeling! Santiago doubles to right center, Casey scores! WHOOOOOO! Oh yeah, it's still 11-1 Rangers....

Call me fucking God damn Nostradamus! The rally continues with a Thames double to the wall in left! WHOOOOOOO! Oh, whatever. 11-2 Rangers.

Whoa, Rabelo gets plunked, and the 2 out rally continues. "Gum time" my ass. It's now "Big Al had a feeling time!"

2 out, 2 on, the Mighty Mike Hessman is at the plate. Hessman goes WAAAY deep to left, 3 run tater! Rod Allen likes it! "That's MAMMOTH!" "That's how Kingman used to hit!"

And that's it for the Rangers pitcher, a nobody named Wood. AJ Murray is brought in to stop the rampaging Tigers!!!

Mario says the Tigers are back in it! And Infante goes DEEP to left center, but it's run down for the 3rd out. 11-5 after 8. So much for Mario's feeling...

Well, Big Al Nostradamus called it, even if it was only 5 runs, and not 11. Thank you. Thank you. Donations are welcome. Try the veal!

And we are now subjected to a video montage of all 6 Rangers home runs. Thanks a fucking lot, FOX....

Clay Rapata in for the 9th. And the stiff GIVES UP ANOTHER HOMER RUN! Guzman takes him out to left. Rod states the obvious, that Rapata has not been very good since being called up. DUH!

A quick out and a walk follows.

Rapata nearly kills Murphy with a head high breaking ball, just missing him. THEN HE DOES IT AGAIN! The runner has moved all the way to 3rd on the 2 wild pitches. Rapata gets the K on a wild Murphy swing. I think Murphy just wanted the Hell out of the batters box, as he just saved his own life...

Christ, another Texas stiff takes Rapata deep, and bounces one off the wall in right center. 13-5 Rangers. I guess you can't expect much from Rapata, the PTBNL in the Maroth trade. Both teams gave up one BP pitcher for another. In this case, one team's trash is another team's...Trash.

Now Rapata give up a walk. Won't this game EVER end? Mario says Rapata is struggling. Rod claims he's "Just nervous?" Huh?

And the ump gives Rapata the called 3rd strike on Brad Wilkerson! The umpire desperately wants this game to end as well... 13-5 Rangers, going into the bottom of 9.

Maybin leads off, goes quickly 0-2, then flies out to center.

It's TEE-MO time!!! It's a liner to center, Guzman dive...And it rolls past him and into deep center! A 3 bagger for TEE-MO!!! He's Mr. God Damn Excitement!

Casey flares a single to left, TEE-MO!!! scores! 13-6, Rangers, Tigers getting their asses handed to them.

1st pitch swinging by Clevlen, the crowd gets excited thinking his high fly ball is more than just a fly out to left. But that's all it is...

Santiago is up, can he keep hope alive? Nope. It's a slow roller to 3rd, the Rangers get the force on the Mayor, and get the win to boot, 13-6. Well, that game blew...

Rod and Mario's player of the game is Marlon "Who?" Byrd. "Who?" was 2-4, with 2 HR's, and 3 RBI. It figures that a "Who?" may have ended all thoughts, delusional as they may be, of the Tigers making the playoffs.

It didn't help that Durbin and Capellan were gas cans throwing glorified BP. Both are pitchers we probably wouldn't have seen on the major league roster if the Tigers pitching had been even remotely healthy. It's the story of the Tigers' entire season, actually.

Game's over. Is the season? Honestly, I think so. The Tigers are 6.5 behind the Tribe, and 4 back of the Yankees. Detroit is going to need a lot of help, and I'm thinking that it's too much to expect.