Tuesday, June 19, 2007

I know how to fix the American health system crisis...

I'm sure that you have heard that the new Michael Moore documentary "Sicko" is being released this month. Not having seen it as of yet, I'm guessing Moore blames much of what ails the American health system on the US government, and the big HMO's. I wouldn't be surprised of he also blames our not so healthy lifestyle.

But I'm thinking he forgot 1 BIG reason for our health system crisis.

You want to live? Then this man must be stopped.

Todd Jones and the Tigers bullpen.

Last night Todd Jones continued his quest to cause headaches, ulcers, baldness, hypertension, erectile dysfunction, heart attacks, nervous breakdowns, involuntary tics, alcoholism, depression and any other malady that can be blamed on stress, to the Tigers fanbase.

Anytime Todd Jones, Jason Grilli, Fernando Rodney, and the rest of the usual suspects, comes in to pitch, you can bet that later that night the local emergency rooms are swamped by Tigers fans with stress related illnesses. The bullpen has become a threat to our well being.

Typhoid Mary has nothing on the Detroit bullpen. The bullpen in total runs down our body's defenses, then Jones comes in to finish us off. Todd Jones is a one man epidemic.

I found a few questions to ask yourself, to see if there is too much Todd Jones related stress in your life.

Do you find yourself sweating excessively when you're not exercising?

A. No
B. Only when Todd Jones pitches.
C. After the 6th inning.

Do you ever have trouble sleeping?

A. No
B. Only when Todd Jones pitches.
C. Whenever the Tigers bullpen blows a 2 run or more lead.

Are you experiencing any digestive problems, such as indigestion, IBS, or ulcers?

A. No
B. It flares up when Todd Jones pitches.
C. It flares up when Fernando Rodney starts to warm up.

Do you often find yourself with tension headaches?

A. No
B. Only when Todd Jones pitches.
C. After every Jason Grilli appearance.

Do you often feel fatigued at the end of a day?

A. No
B. I'm emotionally and physically drained after every Tigers game.

Do you find yourself smoking and/or drinking to excess as a way to deal with stress?

A. No
B. Only when Todd Jones pitches.
C. Whenever Jim Leyland brings in a reliever.

Are you easily irritated?

A. No
B. Only by Todd Jones.
C. Only by Jim Leyland pitching Todd Jones more than 1 inning.

I'm not a doctor, and don't play one on TV, but be assured if you answered B or C to any of these questions, then Tigers bullpen is trying to kill you.

Is there a cure? Yes.

It's not socialized heath care. It's not a new national prescription drug plan. It's not fixing the Medicaid and Medicare programs.

The cure is Dave Dombrowski FIXING THE GOD DAMN BULLPEN!!!

I think I need to lie down, I'm not feeling so good...


  1. They need to offer Robertson strait up to Texas for Otsuka. Considering Texas's starting issues they have to do that. Don't they?

  2. Al, sitting through the 9th inning Monday with the excessive DC heat and humidity was truly a near death experience. At one point I swear I passed out, saw light at the end of the tunnel, but I kept drifting instead towards a giant Todd Jones head vigorously chewing gum. I better change my ways.