TWFE Detroit Lions season preview, part 1: Offense

Has anyone else been totally underwhelmed by the Lions offense over their lifetime the first 2 preseason exhibition games? See anything or anyone to be excited about? Anything at all? I thought so.

After years of inept offensive schemes, the hiring of noted loon, and supposed offensive genius, Mike Martz as coordinator, was manna from Heaven for the Lion fanbase. You want to know how starved we fans are for any kind of innovation on offense? During the 1st series of the exhibition season we saw men in motion, and thought it was the next coming of Martz's "Greatest Show on Turf." Unfortunately, the offense up to this point has looked more like a carny sideshow, with Rod Marinelli as a carnival barker.

To put it bluntly, the offense has been offensive. I think we all expected more from Mike "Legend in his own mind" Martz. Production from the running backs has been non-existent. Feature back Kevin Jones' biggest feature has been running from sideline to sideline, and has done next to nothing. 3rd round pick Brain Calhoun has done even less, that being absolutely nothing.

Shawn Bryson has become the Lions' equivalent of former Piston Michael Curry. For some reason God only knows, the moment coaches see Bryson on the practice field, they fall in love with him the same way a lovesick freshman falls for a senior cheerleader. The coach lust for Bryson is all the more surprising when you consider that he has no discernable talent. Arlen Harris seems to be a lock as Jones' backup, even though he he has a sterling career rushing average of 2.0 YPC. The best looking running back by far has been Artose Pinner, who supposedly is the odd man out when it comes to making the roster, because they don't have room for a runner they know can be productive. Typical Lions logic.

As for the passing game? I'll take a pass, thank you. So far, the Lions QB's prefer getting yards on scrambles, rather than the norm, throwing something we haven't seen in years, a forward pass upfield to a wide receiver. Speaking of the wide outs, is there a bigger cluster in all of football than the Lions' wide receiver drama?

Roy Williams has shown himself to be the clear number 1, and looks as if he's going to have a breakout season. If the QB's actually throw the ball to him, that is... But other than Williams, what have we seen? We hear glowing reports from the beat writers that Corey Bradford (Who's approximately 76 years old), Mike Furey (A converted safety who had 4 picks last year. Why isn't he playing on the Lions piss poor defense?), and Glenn Martinez (David Kirkus with less talent) are tearing it up on the practice field. But what have we seen from them in 2 games so far? Zip, nada, and zilch. Or in proper English, nil.

But all is well, because 1st round picks Mike Williams and Charles Rogers are...Well, all is not well, because they CAN'T EVEN GET ON THE DAMN FIELD! Williams still thinks he's in college, where pizza and beer are a diet staple, and being punctual means you are only a half hour late for the keg tapping. He's still built like a chubbier Eric Cartman, but at least Williams has shown flashes with a couple of nice catches in the red zone, where he should be a huge weapon. There might be something salvageable. Should and might being the operative words...

Rogers on the the other hand, that's just a lost cause. He has that 1000 yard stare, the highway eyes, and it's not just due to the chronic. It's the look of a player who's counting the days till he's released. It's obvious to everyone but Matt Millen, that much like Joey Blue Skies, Rogers will never, ever be successful in Detroit. I wouldn't put it past Rogers, in that the moment he's cut (And he's going to be cut), he'll turn back into the big time receiver we saw in the first few games of his rookie season. Detroit Lion fans will then die a little more inside.

What about fullback and tight end, you ask? When they actually start doing something more than missing blocks, dropping passes, getting injured and just taking up roster space, then I'll have something to say.

As for the offensive line, the only thing that comes to mind is that it still sucks. The right side of the line, Damien Woody and Rex Tucker, have not yet played due to injury. But where is the depth? Tackling dummies would be more effective than their replacements, Barry Stokes and Kevin Butler. The left side is manned by noted head case (So he'll fit right in with the Lions) Ross Verba, and one of the highest paid tackles in the league, the utterly average Jeff Backus. Why is he amongst the highest paid? Well...There was no one better hanging around, so Millen figured someone should get the money, might as well be Backus. Center, as always, is manned by Dominic Raiola, who has never been able to give any kind of line push due to having arms shorter than a QB's tenure under Wayne Fontes.

Finally comes the offensive centerpiece, quarterback. The starter will be Jon Kitna, who's above average at best, and below average at worst. Look up "Journeyman" in the encyclopedia, and you'll see an Eric Clapton album cover. If it wasn't for that, you'd see a picture of Jon Kitna. Kitna, a QB whom is best known for not being a playmaker, but for not making mistakes, would be great for a team who can surround him with playmakers. But not so great for a team who surrounds Kitna with the injury prone, head cases, never-were's, has-been's, and wannabe's. Dollars to donuts, Kitna will become the most hated man in Detroit since Joey Harrington, Charlie Batch, Scott Mitchell, Rodney Peete, Erik Kramer, Eric Hipple, Gary Danielson, Greg Landry, Bill Munson, Milt Plum, Karl Sweetan, and Tobin Rote.

We are told by the beat writers that there is a stirring battle for 2nd string behind Kitna between Dan Orlovsky (He played at UCONN) and Josh McCown (The Cardinals let him go and kept John Navarre). The winner automatically becomes the most popular man in Detroit, behind Jim Leyland and Moe Cheese. The loser will count his blessings. Detroit fans will count the days till the Lions are mathmatically eliminated from the playoffs.

After reading this, it sure makes you long for the glorious days of this man, doesn't it?

Tags: Detroit, Lions, Detroit Lions, NFL, football