Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions - 1st quarter: No hope, no hope at all

We join Matt Vassavagina, and the Brians, Billick and Baldinger, live from fabulous Ford Field, and Big Al live from his not as fabulous living room!

Are you ready? Ready for what, you ask?  For another 3 hours of pain, suffering and really bad jokes? Then lets watch some NFL football...

First things first.


FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN!

With that out of the way, the Lions will be receiving the kick...

The Lions will start at the 23! Hey, anytime the Lions can cross the 20 on a return, I'm happy. Sad, isn't it?

Surprsie! Kevin Smith is starting, and gets the ball. Of course, he's stuffed foir no gain. A pass to Roy Williams isn't even close, leaving a 3rd and 10. Might as well be 3rd and a 100, as bad as the Lions are on 3rd down.

Kitna is back...SACK! He never has a chance. Kitna was snowed under. Punt.

Wonderful. Hester is back...He breaks a couple of tackles...He's Off to the races, and brought down deep in Lions territory! Shit.

FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN! FIRE KWAN!

There's a flag, it's on the Bears, we'll do it over. Lions dodge a HUGE fucking bullet. 2nd tim is the charm, as Hester is stopped after a short return, Bears start just over their 45. Still, the Lions special teams show they are not so special. Christ, how hard is it to defend a fucking punt?

A short pass and Matt Forte run, and it's a 1st down. Forte is going to have a very nice day.

On 2nd down, it's a dump off to Forte...And a Lion just bounces off of him, allowing Forte to get close to the sticks. It should have been a loss. "Should have been" being the Lions' rallying cry.

It's Forte on 3rd and 1...He's hit short of the 1st...And still gets the 1st down . GOD DAMMIT! Fucking defense couldn't stop a one legged man with one arm tied behind his back from converting a 3rd down.

As the Lions approach the Detroit 20, we have a Kevin Jones appearance. He gets a 1st down on a hard run, joining in on the fun. After all that kid has been through, injuries and playing for the worst franchise in sports, I'm rooting for him.

It's 2nd and 15 from the Lions 20, and  Kyle Orton is back to pass...SACK at the 30! Jared Devries busted thru! Wonder of wonders, the Lions had a pass rush. I'm guessing it's the exception, rather than the rule, but I'll take it.

A Forte run gets the sack yardage back on 3rd down, setting up a 37 yard  FG attempt by Gault. Good.

3-0 Bears, and the Lions will be playing from behind for the 4th consecutive game. Fuckers.

What the HELL? Corry Smith takes the kick off, and as he going down at the 30...pitches it to Brandon Middleton?  Middleton is down after getting another 5 yards or so. Jesus Christ, that was God damn stoopid! Smith tossed him the ball in the middle of a ton of traffic. Sheer stupidity.

Kitna will throw on 1st down, throws towards the sidelines...and there's no one there. Blown assignment, someone went deep as Kitna threw short. Typical Lions.

Smith is blown up on 2nd down, 3rd and long. Kitna's back, under pressure, checks down to Smith, who's stopped short of the sticks. Wow, Jim Colletto has sure opened up the offense, huh?

Kitna and the offense walk off the field to a rousing and deserved chorus of BOOOOOOS!

Hester calls a fair catch on the Nick Harris punt inside the 10 .Whoops!

Orton's back to pass, looks deep...GREG OLSEN IS WIDE FUCKING OPEN DOWN THE MIDDLE! He's brought down at the Lions 41, 52 yard fucking gain! FUCKFUCKFUCK! Jesus, fire the defensive coordinator! NOW! Oh yeah, he's Marinelli's son-in-law. AWWWKWARD.

But after 2 Forte runs and an incompletion, the Bears have to punt. The Lions' D makes a stand. 3 plays too late, but a stand all the same.

The Lions will start at the 20, as the Bears just miss downing the ball at the 1. Small victory foer the Lions.

With 3 minutes left in the 1st, the Lions have -5 yards so far. FIRE COLLETTO!

Kitna's back to throw...Ball is batted high in the air! Falls incomplete. Christ, even the incompletions are scaring the shit out of me...

After a Bears offsides, we have our first Rudi Johnson run. Gets a couple. 3rd and short.

Kitna's back to throw...Holds it...Happy feet...Rolls right...Throws deep...and it's a good 5 yards short of Williams, who swats at the bouncing ball in frustration. I would too, this offense is FUGLY. FUGLY. FUGLY.

After the punt, Bears start at their 28. Get a quick 10 and a 1st down on a crossing pattern. The Bears are only up 3-0, but they are dominating the action so far. 

With under a minute left, a Jones run leaves the Bears 3rd and 4 at their 45. Orton with the 3 step drop, hits Hester on a quick slant, 1 st down.  This is a motherfucking joke. The Lions can't even stop the utterly below average Kyle Orton.

That's the 1st quarter. 3-0 Bears.

I HATE THE DETROIT LIONS!

FIRE MARINELL!

OK, I feel better. 

On the 2nd...