Sunday, September 07, 2008

Detroit Lions @ Atlanta Falcons live blog - 1st quarter: Do you believe in...gag...now?

My favorite piece of clothing, my authentic Barry Sanders jersey, is out of mothballs, and on my back. You know what that means? FOOTBALL SUNDAY IS HERE! And so is another season of live blogging the Detroit Lions.

Detroit has released their inactive list.

QB Drew Stanton, CB Ramzee Robinson, LB Gilbert Gardner, G Manny Ramirez, DT Andre Fluellen, DE Ikaika Alama-Francis, and DT Landon Cohen.

Nothing unexpected, save for one player. Alama-Francis. Is 5-0 starting to give off the rank scent of "BUST?" I believe so.

We join FOX Sports Z-Team broadcasting crew Matt Vasgersian and J.C. Pearson at the Georgia Dome. JC parrots the Lions' party line, they are going to run the ball, and run it a lot. Thanks for the in-depth info, JC.

My God, the Jerry Seinfeld-Bill Gates add is awful. Save for Gates' mug shot being the picture on his platinum card. Microsoft paid $10 million to Seinfeld for that? Not an auspicious start for MS's new campaign.

The Lions lose the coin toss, and Jason Hanson will kick off. The 2008 season is officially under way, people!

Norwood had a seam, almost broke it. Jesus, the Lions special teams scare me. Scare me bad.

Not a good start, Turner has a HUGE hole up the gut, gets 9 yards, the gets the 1st down on a plunge. Wonderful.

YOU GOTTA BE SHITTING ME! Ryan to Jenkins, 62 yard TD pass. Fuck!!! FUCK! The Lions' season could not have gotten off to a worse start, 7-0 bad guys. Jesus Christ Almighty, the motherfucking Lions are killing me...

Funny, Travis Fisher was covering Jenkins. Wasn't Leigh Bodden supposed to be replacing him? God damn you, Rod Marinelli.

And the special teams continue to be not so special, Furrey tackled on the 15.

And we have out first flag, false start on Peterman. I HATE THE LIONS.


At least Smith and Johnson look good so far. Small consolation.

3 snaps, Smith with 2 touches. Works for me.

Smith with the carry, and he didn't have a chance in Hell. The o-line was snowed under on 2nd and short. 3rd and 7 from the 32.

Kitna pulls a Joey Blue Skies, throws underneath to Gaines, gets 6 yards when they needed 7. I REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE THE LIONS RIGHT NOW! Remind me again why I'm a fan of the Lions? Fuck me.

Falcons at their 20 after the punt.

Paris Lenon shows why he sucks so damn hard on 2nd down, rather than wrap up the TE, he goes for the big hit, and bounces off him. And Ryan to White get the 1st. THIS BLOWS.


OH MY FUCKING GOD! FUCKFUCKFUCK! TURNER GOES 65 YARDS FOR A TD! THE LIONS' D BARELY TOUCHED HIM! FIRE MARINELLI! FIRE HIS SON-IN-LAW! FIRE MILLEN! FIRE EVERYBODY! I HATE LIFE!

Fuck me, why do I torture myself like this every Sunday? All Lions fans are masochists. We have to be.

14-0, Falcons. Lions look AWFUL.

Furrey takes the kickoff, runs right into the pile at the 22. I HATE MYSELF!

A run and a misfired pass leave the Lions a 3rd and 8. FOX shows us Jim Colletto twiddling his thumbs as Rome burns the Lions flail about. And Kitna isn't even close on a pass to Williams. Lions punt.

A lousy 3 and out after the Falcons score. Not a good strategy. I HATE THE UNIVERSE...and it's still in the 1st quarter.

Ryan is 3-3-73 and a TD. He's Johnny fucking Unitas. Make it 4-4.

Turner gets the 1st on 3rd and short. The 4-0 exhibition season feels like it was a million years ago.

Shaun Cody gets hurt. At least the Lions kept 25 d-linemen, right?

This is turning into a massive joke, Norwood blows off the flea flicker and takes it for 20 yards around end. Now Turner goes for 20+, down at the Lions 10. There were several missed tackles. And there's a personal foul, face mask. Ball at the 5.

This isn't funny anymore.

Turner gets the easy TD on 1st and goal. 21-0 Falcons, 3:20 left...IN THE 1ST FUCKING QUARTER.

This season is over. How can this team expect to contend when they cannot stop the motherfucking 4-12 Falcons? They have a rookie QB and head coach! I'M READY TO KILL!

Smith gets blown up in the backfield on 1st down. 2nd and 12. Kill me now. Please.

And we have another 3 and out as Kitna misfires. Wait, there's a flag. Holding on the Falcons! I sense a NFL conspiracy, just trying to keep the game close. 1st down Lions.

Johnson with the nice catch in traffic, gets 21 yards. At least someone has shown up today. CJ and Smith have been it.

Kitna is sacked on 1st down. Shit. Why isn't Gosder Cherilus starting? He's a 1st round pick, for chrissakes!

Smith gets 5 or so on 2nd, and that's the 1st quarter. It's mercifully come to an end. 21-0 Falcons, who've dominated every phase of the game.

WHAT A GOD DAMN FUCKING DISASTER.

3 comments:

  1. This is FUCKING assinine! Does anyone know how to tackle? What a joke.

    Steve G.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Steve, this is DISGUSTING. I'm at a loss.

    ReplyDelete
  3. damnit........... looks like we lost a game we should have won. gonna be a long season, but at least millen will probably get another shot at a very high draft pick. dont fuck it up millen.

    ReplyDelete