Thursday, January 03, 2008

A plea to the NFL football Gods: We're sorry!

How did we piss off the NFL football Gods so badly that they saddled us with the most dysfunctional organization on the face of the planet? What have we done as a fanbase in the past to deserve the Detroit Lions?

Our fan forefathers must have done something! But what? What was so bad that caused Detroit to the get the butt end of football's ugly stick?

Was it booing Bobby Layne? Fans who preferred Tobin Rote over Layne? Throwing snowballs at Lions coach George Wilson? Did Lions fans become too cocky after winning 3 NFL championships in the 50's? Something happened in the late 50's-early 60's that jinxed the Lions, and allowed the William Clay Ford era to begin...And never, ever end.

Then again, we modern day fans may not be blameless. Why do we deserve the worst general manager in the history of sports, Matt Millen, to be inflicted upon us? Did we take Barry Sanders for granted? Cheer when Scott Mitchell was injured? Make fun of Bobby Ross' verbal outbursts?

What did we do?! Why are we singled out?! Why 50 years of Lions suckage? I really, really need to know.

Yes, I'm aware we are damn lucky as fans to have such well run, model pro franchises in Detroit as the Tigers, Pistons, and Red Wings. Teams that don't play with our emotions, and are committed to winning. All are legitimate, championship quality teams. On the college side, we've had 40 years of sustained success for Wolverines football, and a decade of Spartan basketball excellence. But the Lions are the anchor, the stain, the city's albatross.

I've lived through all the other teams in the D winning world titles. Even the fringe pro teams. The USFL Panthers. The Arena League Drive. The MILL Turbos. The IHL Vipers. They all won championships. Those titles are nothing when compared to the NFL.

Let's be honest. It's the NFL's world, and we're just living in it. EVERYTHING in sports revolves around the NFL. It's the 800 pound gorilla of the sports landscape.

As great as it is for a team to win a World Series, the NBA title, a Stanley Cup, or NCAA championship, it pales in comparison to the Super Bowl. As great as it is for the Tigers, Pistons, or Red Wings to win it all, I don't think any of them would mean quite as much as the Lions winning a Super Bowl. I'd break down in tears if the Lions just made it to the Super Bowl, let alone win it.

Honestly, I don't think it'll ever happen. We'll never see a title winning Lions team in our lifetimes. Because we did something to piss off the football Gods.

50 years of losing. 40+ years of William Clay Ford. 7 years of Matt Millen. Isn't that punishment enough?

I just have one thing to say...

Really. Sincerely. No bullshit. I mean it.

So I'm offering an impassioned plea to the NFL Gods. Whatever we did? We won't do it again! We didn't mean it! It was an accident! We're sorry! Sorry beyond belief! I personally apologize! I'm on my knees, begging forgiveness!

Please forgive us...


  1. I lack the confidence to dream of how I'd react to a Lions SB trip. It's inconceivable, and not in a Vizzini and Inigo Montoya way.

  2. Matt Millen walked into a bar with a huge gob of dog shit in his hand. He went up to the bartender and said, "Look what I almost stepped in." Ridicule may be the only way to run him out of town. And, Al, you've fallen into the MSM trap of concentrating on the Hapless Lions rather than the Wings, Pistons, Tigers, MSU hoops, etc. It's almost time to focus on John Bielein, who after watching his team shoot 29% in the first half the other night said he would have to look at the tape to figure out why, because the guys were shooting real well in practice. John, Maybe it's because Wisconsin was playing Defense!

  3. GTW, "Princess Bride" references are always welcome...

    Uncle O, I'm aware that I've been a little too Lions centric the last week or so. I'm going to try and lay off them for awhile. But it's sooooo hard!

    I'd like to talk a little Wolverines hoops, and Sparty for that matter, but I can't see the damn games thanks to the Big 10 Network BS.