Saturday, July 21, 2007

How would sports commissioners handle the referee betting scandal?

David Stern, NBA: "Donaghy? He's dead to me. I will crush him like the bug that he is. I want his head on a pike. By tomorrow. He sleeps with the fishes, capice?"

Bud Selig, MLB: "Who? What? Huh? I have no idea what you are talking about. Everything is fine. Nothing to look at here. I said all is well. ALL IS WELL! And who? Barry Bonds? No-a speak-a da engrish."

Gary Bettman, NHL: "I'd promote Donaghy to 'Head of officials.' Give him a raise, too. Know anyone with a spare TV contract laying around? On a channel that's not in the 300's on your cable?"

Roger Goodell, NFL: "Is Donaghy well known? A famous VIP? We'll let the feds do their job, as it's not my position to be judge, jury, and executioner. You know, in America, you're innocent till proven guilty. He's not? Just a ref? Oh. Well, that's entirely different then. Throw the damn book at him. Fired immediately. Banned for life. No appeal. Case closed."

Bill France, Jr, NASCAR: "Donaghy can still referee, and I'll put him on probation for 6 games. But I'll suspend his crew chief for 10 games, not allowing him near the arena, and fine the entire officiating crew $10,000."

David Baker, Arena Football: "Whatever ESPN tells me to do."

Tim Finchem, PGA: "Whatever Tiger tells me to do."

Ty Votaw, LPGA: "You actually care what I think? Oh, you'd rather talk to Natalie Gulbis instead..."

Michael Slive, SEC: "A ref placed bets? Big f'n deal. Hell, that's nothin! You should see the stuff going on behind the scenes at Alabama and Arkansas right now. They got boosters buying off players, coaches, refs, school presidents, left an' right! If I told ya what Bear did back in the day, now that'd be a God damn scandal!"

Jim Delaney, Big 10: "Whatever the SEC would do, we'd do it bigger, better and faster. They'd only fire him? We'd kill him! Because we're the Big 10, and they aren't. We have our own cable network, you know. The SEC doesn't. I told you we were better."

Myles Brand, NCAA: "I'll have an answer for you in 4-6 years."

Bernie Ecclestone, Formula 1: "I'm richer than God. I hate the USA. I could give a shit, you damn imperialist empire builders."


  1. bill france jr, commenting from the dead!

  2. Paul Tagliabue- No penalty. Wait, was Donaghy show-boating? If he was...hang him in the town square.

  3. Big Al, we need you expertise. What in the name of Dr. James Naismith is JJ Redick doing at the USABasketball trials. I know they had him picked as a possible last summer and injuries cut him short, but one would think that his inability to crack the Magic's rotation at the end of the season and in the playoffs would have been a hint that he has no business on a national team--unless the nation is Doucheland. Do they see him as a "role player" with the role being "dipshit weenie?" If he makes it past the first cut, the entire team should walk out and let Jerry Colangelo and Coach K try to win an international tournament with nothing but Douchies. I hear that Bret Bearup and Jay Bilas are available, maybe even Gene Banks and Mike Gminski and Bobby "Defensive Deficit Disorder" Hurley.

  4. I realized that France had gone to the great beyond after I posted, but what the Hell... Good call on Tags. He'd crack down on uniform infractions, but let the players run wild off the field.

    I'll have to think a little about those hoop trials, Omar. But yeah, Reddick has no business representing the US. I guess every dream team has to have a Dukie, don't forget the original "Dream Team" had Christian Laettner on the roster. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little just typing that fact...

  5. With the trades and acquisitions made going into the draft, plus the bulk of the team that is carried over from last season, and the trades and draft picks made during the draft, it sure seems like the Pats are going to be the team to beat in the AFC this season, and perhaps in all of the NFL.

    Considering the Pats were almost in the Superbowl last season with a pathetic receiving corps and that they've added very talented players into said receiving corps this season, barring some nasty injury(ies), they look to be the team to take it all.I say injury(ies) because I think they could survive an injury or two to some positions, but if they lost Brady they'd probably have a hard time recovering.

    I wish I could say that the Redskins did well in the draft and/or in free agency but so many holes still exist that I'm not sure they'll be significantly better than last season. I suppose on face they should be if they can keep their corners healthy. With Landry (argh, hard to type that name as a Redskin!!) back there with a healthy secondary they might be able to cheat up more and put more pressure on opposing QBs. Might.

    They still have what should be a lot of talent in the receiving positions, and Campbell should be better, but they don't have the quality on either line (offense or defense) that I wish they'd have, so it could be yet another year of .500 at best, or worse.

    Still, the NFC East looks to be the NFC Least again this season. None of the teams there look like they'll be that good, and none really look ready to step up and take the division.

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