Sunday, July 29, 2007

The Detroit Tigers bullpen as seen thru the music of The Police

Saturday afternoon, the Tigers bullpen pitched batting practice to the California/Orange County/Anaheim/Los Angeles/Disneyland Angels (Or whatever the Hell their name is for this season). Helping the Angels with BP was nice and all, but there was one problem. It was during the 8th inning...

The 8th inning started with the Tigers and Angels tied 3-3. 6 hits, 1 walk, 2 home runs, 1 stolen base, 7 runs, and 3 Tiger relievers later, the Angels were up 10-3, and for all intents and purposes, the game was over.

After a few uneventful weeks that had fans almost convinced that the Detroit bullpen had turned a corner, they reverted to their self-destructive ways after the All-Star break. Tigers fans have recently suffered through several bad losses, all thanks to the continuous, slow motion train wreck that is the Detroit Tigers bullpen.

These guys may have wrote "King of Pain," but the Tigers bullpen has made the song their own...

All of the bullpen ugliness put me into a funk, so I went to the old "Music soothes the savage beast" gambit. Unlike 6 weeks ago, when I was driven to the 70's prog rock of Pink Floyd, the latest bullpen beat down sent me towards another iconic band, maybe the best of the 80's, the new wave sounds of The Police.

So as I listened to their greatest hits, singing along as badly as Eddie Murphy did in "48 Hours," I couldn't help but pair up Police songs with the Tigers so-called relief pitchers...

Todd Jones: King of Pain - This was as about as much of a no-brainer as it gets, as there isn't a more painful closer to watch in all of baseball. Emergency rooms all over the Detroit area go on high alert whenever Jones enters a game. The following maladies spike locally whenever Jones pitches: Heart attacks, strokes, broken feet from kicking TV's, and, of course, explosive diarrhea.

Chad Durbin: Walking on the Moon - Which is where you'd have to walk to actually find the moonshots Durbin has been giving up.

Macay McBride: It's Alright for You - You may be alright with your terminal wildness, and a general sense of undependability, but the fans? Not so much...

Jason Grilli: O My God - Are the words that come put of every Tigers fan's mouth when they see Grilli summoned from the bullpen. Other words normally associated with the poster boy of the Tigers bullpen are, "He sucks," "Oh shit," "God dammit, " "Just kill me now," and "Why, Leyland, why?"

Jose Capellán: Deathwish - The fans in the outfield stands must have a deathwish, as they are constantly dodging Capellán's high velocity gopher balls.

Bobby Seay: Truth Hits Everybody - Truth may hit everybody, but the truth hits Seay especially hard. In case you didn't know, truth is right handed, and righties belt Seay around at a .306 clip.

Tim Byrdak: Voices Inside My Head - Those voices are saying, "You blow goats!"

Zach Miner: Don't Stand so Close to Me - Because the stench of losing that emanates from you is overwhelming.

Fernando Rodney: Can't Stand Losing You - Or your knee-breaking change up. But if you could find your control, and for that matter, the fastball you lost, that would be nice...

Joel Zumaya: Driven to Tears - The thought of not having Zumaya for the playoff stretch run... Well, it makes me cry.

Jim Leyland: Message in a Bottle - The following is the message the Marlboro Man sent to Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski after Saturday's loss...

"I'll send an SOS to the world, I'll send an SOS to the world, I hope that someone gets my, I hope that someone gets my, I hope that someone gets my, message in a bottle. Sending out an SOS, sending out an SOS, sending out an SOS, sending out an SOS, sending out an SOS, sending out an SOS, sending out an SOS, sending out an SOS, sending out an SOS, sending out an SOS, sending out an SOS, sending out an SOS, sending out an SOS, sending out an SOS, sending out an SOS, sending out an SOS..."

Big Al: Demolition Man - I've smashed 5 remotes while watching Todd Jones and company throw away games.


  1. Alright, after last night's debacle can we push the Panic Button? Please?

  2. I just gave my thoughts on that, Uncle Omar. I'm waiting till after the deadline, then I'll decide if it's time to lean on the panic button. Hard...