Thursday, September 28, 2006

A personal message from Matt Millen

I'm sure you've heard by now now that I cut Corey Bradford. Even though I talked him up as the perfect complimentary veteran receiver, and mentor to the young wide outs, when I signed him. The Bradford signing ended up being nothing more than a waste of over $2 million in salary cap space. He sucked more than a Hoover. Bradford got lost while running routes, wasn't bright enough to learn the offense, and couldn't catch a cold, let alone a pass. When undrafted rookie wide receivers from directional state colleges are higher than one of your prize free agent signings on the depth chart... Well, what more can you say?

I know just what you are thinking. "Joey Blue Skies. Bill Schroeder. Fernando Bryant. Charles Rogers. There's been too many Millen signed stiffs to count. Now add Corey Bradford to the list. That God damn assclown Millen screwed up. AGAIN. Why don't the Fords' fire his sorry ass?! FIRE MILLEN!"

Lion fans, there's something I should tell you. I need to confess. I can't keep it a secret anymore. It's been bothering me for over 5 years now. I think you know what I'm going to say, but here goes...

I'm full of shit. Totally. I don't know what in the Hell I'm doing. I'm clueless. I have absolutely no idea how to run an NFL franchise. None whatsoever. I'm doing this with smoke and mirrors. I show up every day, and I just sit there. I don't know what in God's name I should be doing. When I do decide to make a move, it blows up in my face. I SUCK as a general manager. I BLOW as the Lions' president. You know it, the media knows it, the rest of the NFL knows it, I know it.

The problem is a simple one. I'm just not that bright.

You need some examples?

You want to know who is my most trusted advisor? My magic 8-ball.

Who helps me make draft decisions? I use my ouija board to contact Russ Thomas. Russ is a real nice guy, by the way. Gives good advice.

How did I make the decisions to hire Marty Morninwheg and Steve Mariucci? Dart board.

Free agent signings? Well, I have to say that's been all me. I used the ratings in Madden 2004. My bad.

But fellas, I have to tell you, it's not my fault. NOT. MY. FAULT. You can't pin 5 years of Hell on your favorite punching bag. No way! You want someone to blame? Billy Jr. and William Clay Ford, that's who. This is the Fords' fault! You think I'm crazy enough to turn down the millions of dollars Billy and WC offered me? I may be dumb as a box of rocks, but I ain't stupid.

I told the Fords that my IQ was lower than a bag of hammers. That I was as dim as a 20 watt bulb. That I took one too many shots to the head. My ears ring all the time. I forget stuff. I'm punchy. I wasn't qualified. They didn't care. They told me they wanted a big name. So I went for the cash, just like any of you would. I signed my X on the dotted line.

Lion fans, I apologize for taking the money and running the Lions into the ground. At least I get to run all the way to the bank. I have trouble counting that high, but from all the zeros on my check, I think I'm now rich. Not that it makes you guys feel any better, but dumb guys have a wife and kids to support too.

So as this season goes straight to Hell, don't blame me. Pity me, for I know not what I do.


  1. Incredible, the worst GM of all time. How is it possible that the hapless Lions of my youth can be worse in my middle age? Matt's ability to spot a lack of talent or to find someone of questionable character is amazing.

  2. I continue to be in the Immoral Minority who defends Matt Millen. Am I sick?

  3. Matt, I'm glad you were able to get this off of your chest. Some people are born losers. You haven't even achieved that yet.

  4. Big Al, I'm glad you didn't write any of these before I was at Ford Field on Sunday. If these musings were in my head, I probably would've snickered when Millen walked by the media throng, glaring at us like he wanted to kill someone.

    And Greg, I was right there with you until this season. Now I've totally turned to the other side. Millen has shown he has absolutely no idea what he's doing with this roster. Detoxing from that is probably why I'm sick right now.