Inside the minds of the Detroit Tigers pitching staff...Midseason edition

Nate Robertson: God damn, God damn, God damn, my jaw is killing me. I'm such a bonehead, it just HAD to be gum! Next time I'm killing time on FSN for the joy-boys in the booth, I'll make it "Rally Beer" or "Rally Ass Patting." I may be joining Maroth on the DL if this keeps up.

Jamie Walker: "Rally Beer" works for me, dude. So does "Rally Ass Patting" for that matter. Time to pound a Bud or 10.

Mike Maroth: Hey! HEY! HELLLLOOO! Remember me? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone? It's me! The guy who was pitching lights out? I am coming back, you know. HELLO? Maaaannn.

Todd Jones: "Rally Ass Patting?" Damn joy-boys rubbing their joys in my face. I should ask for a trade to the White Sox. Ozzie would appreciate my views on alternative lifestyles.

Román Colón: It's not Roman, as in empire. Not Ramen. Not Roland. Not Raymon. Not Rulen. It's Román! Damn Yanqui's...

Kenny Rogers: If I hear "The Roaster" or "The Gambler" one more time, just one more time, cameraman heads are gonna roll. Same goes for "Cameraman" jokes!

Joel Zumaya: Remember when the shit hit the fan over the "John Smoltz for me" trade rumors? Wanna know where it originated? I told Kruk about it, just to fuck with him. Who knew he was gonna take me seriously? Dammed one nutted wonder.

Jason Grilli: Who? I still don't know who in the Hell I am.

Zach Miner: Wow, I had no idea that the voodoo that I do works so well. A little bit of Jobu, a chicken sacrifice, a push pin in the elbow, and viola! Starting rotation for me!

Wilfredo Ledezma: I need to talk to Miner about a doll.

Jeremy Bonderman: Do you want a sucky ass pitcher with a personality, like...say...Todd Jones? Or just a boring ass guy who pitches well? Thought so...

Justin Verlander: Liriano? Dead! Papelbon? Dead! It wasn't over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, and the Rookie of the Year race isn't over either!

Fernando Rodney: I DO NOT have Todd Jones disease! I don't suck goat balls, the walks are due to a mechanical flaw! It's just a flaw!