Tuesday, June 20, 2006

John Kruk: Idiot savant, or just an idiot?

I'm sure we've all heard by now the rumors regarding Atlanta's John Smoltz. Smoltz was interivewed on Sunday Night Baseball, and said he would be open to a trade, specifically mentioning the Tigers.

On Monday, during the Worldwide Leader in Sports' "Basball Tonight," notable baseball sooper genius John Kruk was all over this rumor, like...John Kruk at an all you can eat buffet. The Krukster, summoning all of his massive baseball intellect, came up with a trade, suggesting the Tigers should send the Braves fireballing bullpen prodigy Joel Zumaya for Smoltz. I almost expected him to sweeten the deal by adding Justin Verlander to the trade. The man is nothing but brilliant!

So in that vein, here are some other roster and lineup moves the Krukster suggests the Tigers make for a playoff stretch run...

Jeremy Bonderman to the Giants for Barry Bonds and his media entourage.

Curtis Granderson to the Yankees for Bubba Crosby.

Justin Verlander to the Red Sox for Wally, the Green Monster.

Chris Shelton and Craig Monroe to the White Sox for a brand spanking new batting tee.

Extend Magglio Ordonez's contract another 7 years.

Pick up Jason Grimsley, and his list of HGH suppliers, off of waivers, and name him as the new closer and assistant trainer.

Convince Sammy Sosa to end his retirement to become the DH and clubhouse leader. If Sosa isn't available, Juan Gone is still playing in the independent leagues. Put the 7 year 144 million dollar contract offer back on the table and get Juan Gonzalez signed!

Cut Kenny Rogers, pitcher, and replace him in the rotation with Kenny Rogers, chicken roaster mogul. Mmmmm, roasted chicken...

No need to add a left handed bat, just play Alexis Gomez more.

You can never have enough bullpen arms, so break Uggie Urbina out of Venezuelan PMITA prison. Just use the FOX documentary "Prison Break" for escape ideas.

Keep Todd Jones.

With ideas such as these, I expect the Krukster to be running a MLB team next season. If fuctionally retarded Matt Millen can find front office work, why not the just as brilliant John Kruk?


  1. I'm going strictly from memory here, I'm too lazy to search around for the particulars, but didn't the Tigers trade young John Smoltz for Doyle Alexander back in what, 1988 or something? I'd really rather not trade a young guy with a future for an old quick-fix guy again. That being said, I'd sure like to see Smoltz wearing the D.


  2. Yes they did Paavo. It was 1987 and Alexander did help the Tigers win the division, but not much else. Smoltz would be great, but Verlander and Zumaya are untouchable in my opinion.

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