An open letter to the Pistons

From: The Wayne Fontes Experience
To: The Detroit Pistons
Re: Enough with the "If it ain't rough, it ain't right" already. Every series doesn't always have to be so damn gut wrenching, you know?

Ben Wallace: What in the Hell is up? Are you pissed at Flip? Unhappy with the offense? Joe D look at you the wrong way? Guarding Shaq making you grumpy? Get up on the wrong side of the bed? Your R/C cars on the fritz? I know you gave the best effort of any of the Pistons during game 1, espcially on the defensive end. But something is wrong, everyone can sense it. I mean, 22% from the line? You make Shaq look like the next coming of Rick Barry and Calvin Murphy. No one has ever been this awful. Your shooting has reached a historic level of brutality. So...What's your beef? The more this feeling lingers, the more the idea of you leaving via free agency doesn't seem as unthinkable as it once did. Please, feel free to convince me otherwise.

Rasheed Wallace: Would it hurt you all that much to stay down on the blocks more than once every ten posessions? You're unstoppable when you put your mind to it, which has tended to be every other playoff game. Or would you rather channel your inner shooting guard and bomb treys all night? If so, you aren't going to beat the Heat, much less win the NBA championship.

Lindsey Hunter: Please. Stop. Shooting. Love the D, hate the O.

Chauncey Billups: Enough of the LeBron-esque pounding of the ball at the top of the key till there is little time left on the shot clock. Stop worring so much about matchups and just run the Flip's damn offense.

Rip Hamilton: Stop trying to create your own shots. It's not your game. Never has, never will. Go back to taking mid range jumpers coming off of screens. You're unguardable when running those curls off of picks. Plus, all those screens will beat up Dwayne Wade.

Antonio McDyess: No complaints. Just keep doing what you've been doing. Oh yeah, please watch the foul trouble, K?

Tayshaun Prince: Things were hunky dory till you pulled a 'Sheed and disappeared for long stretches on offense the other night. Just to remind you, you were the best Piston on the floor against the Cavs. I find it hard to believe that Antoine Walker can even think of stopping you. Get back to it.

Tony Delk: Hit your shots in your limited minutes, that's all I'm asking. Instant offense is why you're here, and we know you're capable, so channel the Microwave, if need be.

Flip Saunders: You want all the questions in regard to your teams underachieving in the playoffs to end? Get a handle on whatever ails the offense. Now. Post haste. Immeadiately. In case you didn't know, the rules do you allow you to make adjustments during the game.

You kicked Heat ass during the regular season. I could care less if Wade and Shaq get theirs, within reason, of course. Just don't let Williams, Walker, Payton, and the rest of the ringers Riley brought in beat you. OK? OK.

Sincerely,

The Wayne Fontes Experience