Thursday, April 13, 2006

Inside the minds of the Detroit Tigers

Jim Leyland: I need a smoke, goddammit! I NEED A F'N SMOKE! How long was that contract I signed? Oh yeah, 3 years till I can retire in style. Screw that, I NEED A SMOKE!

Pudge Rodriguez: Ball 1? Bullshiat! There's no such thing as a ball, taking a walk is disrespecting my Pudge-liness. I HAVE A STATUE!

Carlos Guillen: Ouch! Dammit! Maaaan, here we go again. Was that my back, knee, elbow, ankle, neck, toe, foot, finger, thumb, wrist, chest, shoulder, or groin?

Magglio Ordonez: IhateOzzieIhateOzzieIhateOzzieIhateOzzieIhateOzzie.
That Guillen can kiss my Venezuelan ass! Wha? Damn, how did I not swing at the first pitch? Won't happen in my next at bat. IhateOzzieIhateOzzieIhateOzzieIhateOzzieIhateOzzieIhateOzzie.

Dmitri Young: What's being served at the post game buffet? I got dibs on the wings. They best have 5 kinds of dip or there's going to be clubhouse Hell to pay! Diet my ass! Don't the Tigers know I hit better when I weigh close to 3 bills?

Placido Polanco: I think my head just grew another 2 hat sizes. I gotta call Barry Bonds and ask how he deals with it.

Brandon Inge: Does anyone not know I can hit a golf ball over 300 yards? It was in all the papers! But why can't my golf skills translate to base....Damn it, dropped another grounder! Shiat! Just threw it over Shelton's head!

Craig Monroe: Hmmm, I hear there's a nice selection of belts over at Somerset Mall.

Kenny Rogers: CAMERA! Duck! Good thing my "Camdar" seems to be working.

Chris Shelton: I AM A GOD! A REDHEADED GOD! A GOD OF THE DIAMOND, I TELL YOU! NOW BRING ME MANY VIRGINS! REDHEADED VIRGINS!

Todd Jones: Ain't none of them gay boys around, is there? Don't want 'em being all proud, rubbing that gayness in my face! Hey, ya really want to know why I signed with the Tigers? With that Denise Ilitch gone from the front office, I can call 'em the "Ilitch Kids" all I want!

Bobby Seay: If I wasn't left handed, would I be in the majors?

Joel Zumaya: This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains.

Chris Spurling: I'm having an existential crisis. Why? Why am I here? Oh yeah, Todd Jones is on the DL.

Jamie Walker: At this rate, my arm will fall off in game 142.

Jordan Tata: I'm not named after BOOBS! Why doesn't anyone believe me? If I hear "Bodadious Tata" one more time...

Marcus Thames: I still can't believe they kept Bobby Higginson over me. I still can't believe they kept Bobby Higginson over me. I still can't believe they kept Bobby Higginson over me.

Vance Wilson: If I lose 25 pounds, I just might hit my weight this season.

Omar Infante: ¡Mis daƱos del hombro! ¡Otra vez!

Mike Maroth: So too can my fastball break a pane of glass. It just needs to be cracked beforehand.

Nate Robertson: You have to go thru a batting order more than once when you're a starter? Who knew?

Jason Grilli: Even I don't know who in the Hell I am.

Justin Verlander: How's it feel to win my first game? It feels out there. I mean, it's a major rush. I mean, it feels radical in kind of a tubular sort of way, but most of all, it feels out there.

Ramon Santiago: Seattle traded Carlos Guillen for ME?

Fernando Rodney: Hee! Even I laugh at my name! Hee!

Curtis Granderson: How many years till I'm eligible for free agency?

Paws: I'd kill to be a cool as the Phillie Phanatic.

4 comments:

  1. Inside the mind of Ian Casselberry:

    That was a brilliant post, Big Al.

    Hmm, is it too late for a Wendy's Frosty?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well done, man. Good stuff. Nothing came out of my nose, or anything, but it was still funny!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ian, Kevin, and Sports Pig, Thanks!

    And it's never too late for a Frosty...

    ReplyDelete