Thursday, March 09, 2006

In defense of Barry Bonds

I'm flabbergasted by the horrible news. Stunned. Speechless. At a loss for words... Barry Bonds, say it isn't so!

It's all but confirmed that Barry Bonds took not just anabolic steroids, but enough human growth hormone, synthetic designer drugs, chemical cocktails, and masking agents to kill a T-Rex, beach a blue whale, fuel the entire USA Olympic track team, and make King Kong Bundy cut.

By looking at Bonds, who would have thought it? Not me! I believe he's naturally bloated.

I'm sure there are all kinds of ways to explain away a massive change in muscle structure and growth, mood swings, nasty attitude, a huge increase in power, and a grossly misshapen head. I'm just having trouble thinking of any.

Come on...Barry using the clear and the cream? It's all circumstantial evidence. He already told us what he thought the clear and the cream were, remember? Harmless flaxseed oil and topical arthritic cream. It should be obvious to anyone that those BALCO guys were just flim-flamming Barry. Most world class athletes use unlabled and unclassified designer chemicals on their bodies without checking them out throughly. Am I correct? Damn straight.

It's easy enough to explain the nasty attitude. Barry was a prick asshole, and I mean that in the nicest way, even when he was a lithe, wiry guy toiling away in Pittsburgh. So for the media to blame highly corrosive chemicals in one's bloated body for just being a dickweed is just plain irresponsible!

Mood swings? What if you had ESPN's Pedro Gomez following you around for years? Well, you'd be one moody SOB too! Hell, I get moody just watching "Around the Horn," out and out pissy whenever Dick Vitale waxes poetic about Duke on Sportscenter, and damn near suicidal when watching "Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith." So I think we can just blame Pedro and ESPN for Barry's many moods. There's lots more we can pin on The Worldwide Leader, but that's another post.

The huge increase in power? Easy. It wasn't Barry that was on the juice, it was the pitchers! How else do you explain the total freakishness of hurlers like Roger Clemens and Randy Johnson? It's simple physics. Thanks to the 'roids, they threw the ball harder, which caused Barry to just hit the ball a little farther. Due to those chemically enhanced fastballs, Barry's warning track outs instead ended up as home runs landing in McCovey Cove. Think about it, if you weren't chemically imbalanced, would you wear a porn 'stache like Johnson's or throw at your son's head in spring training, as Clemens did? I think not.

As for the massive change in Barry's muscle structure? Easy to explain. It's Chuck Norris' fault. How, you ask? Barry saw the same infomercials we all did, but he actually bought a Chuck Norris endorsed Total Gym XL by Fitness Quest. Just look at the results. You too can look like Barry Bonds, Chuck Norris, and Christie Brinkley only working out 15 minutes a day! Feel the burn!

Barry's not the only guy with a huge, bloated cranium. Ever see Placido Polanco? No one claims Polanco is on the gym candy, and his swollen, lumpy head gives Barry's a run for the money! Some people have been cursed with the giant misshapen mutant head gene, and Barry's gene kicked in later than most. Don't hold it against Barry that he's a large domed mutant...

So Barry Bonds is not a cheater or an amoral criminal, just misunderstood. It's not steroids. He's just a mean ass freak of nature and a victim of circumstance. It's not his fault, it's the media's.

At least that's what Barry would say, if he actually spoke about the charges...

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