Who will be the next coach of the Detroit Lions?

Today, as after I woke from one of my too frequent naps, there was a note that had been slipped under my door. What did this note contain? William Clay Ford's short list of replacements for Rod Marinelli. No shit!

The names on the list, with my thoughts, follow.

Wayne Fontes: Why the Hell not? Playoffs every other year, then a high draft pick in the years the Lions miss the post season. The Big Buck was made of Teflon, a master scapegoater, players LOVED him and the media were hugely entertained by him. The fact we all pine for those days of of high drama, higher comedy and utter mediocrity says something. Not something good, but something all the same. Plus, he's available.

The bad old days...

Beefshower: In the comments to this post, Beefshower, aka Andrew of the Mickey Tettleton Memorial Overpass, threw his hat into the Lions coaching ring. Word must have reached WCF, as he's on the short list. I'll let Andrew's words speak for themselves.

"I'm throwing my hat into the ring for the coaching job. Let me run the same 8 plays from my tecmo super bowl playbook and I guarantee 50 points a game. I don't know what I'd do on defense though. Maybe I'll try to talk David Fulcher out of retirement."

Sounds like one of The Big Buck's run and shoot offenses, actually. Where's Mouse Davis these days? But I digress...

Beefshower or Steve Nash?
Not even their mothers can tell the difference...

For those of you who don't know who Fulcher is, he was only the best defender in Tecmo Super Bowl, if not all of football video gaming. Obviously, Andrew knows what he's talking about. You have to admire a man with a plan. The only question is, does Beefshower have the time, with his budding law career? Hell, we both know he'd take the running the Lions over becoming the next Matlock in a New York minute, though I'm sure Andrew looks dandy wearing a seersucker suit...

Lloyd Carr: When not hanging out with BFF Russell Crowe or plotting against Les Miles, Lllloyd doesn't have anything better to do right now. 4 loss seasons raised the hackles of Wolverine nation, but 4 loss seasons with the Lions would get Lllloyd his own statue in front of Ford Field.

This has to be a photoshop.

As we all know, Lllloyd NEVER smiled.

Gary Moeller: Ditto...when he's not getting trashed in restaurants.

Then again, what's drunkenly bitching out a waitstaff when Fontes got busted with nose candy? For some reason I cannot fathom, WCF likes Moeller. It may be due to the fact Mo is one of the few head coaches in Lions' history with a winning record, a big time 4-3.

The reason behind Moeller's drunken tirade?

The waiter made fun of the straight brim on his cap.

Bill Ford, Jr: As it appears the Fords are making plenty of personnel decisions from the owner's box (the drafting, then starting, of Joey Blue Skies being one of the more prominent examples), let's just cut out the middleman, and put a Ford on the sidelines. Considering Ford Motor Company is struggling to stay solvent, Junior may have plenty of time on his hands to run his father's meal ticket.

"I was this close to choking Millen out..."

Bobby Williams: Token minority interview.

The most famous quote from Williams' MSU tenure?

"I don't know."

Eric Taylor, aka the coach running the Dillon Panthers on NBC's Friday Night Lights: Turns out WCF is a fan of of the show. Unfortunately, Ford believes he's watching a documentary.

Why interview a high school coach?

WCF really wants to meet his HOT wife...

Matt Millen: When a Ford is paying you $5 million a season, he expects you to earn it. Also, you cannot deny WCF loves Matt Millen like a red headed stepson. I'd think Millen would be interested, as long as he could commute from Pennsylvania. Show up in the D Friday morning, fly out Sunday night, just like when he was president and GM. It'll be just like old times!

"You'll rue the day I was fired!
Uh, what's 'rue' mean?"

It's going to be a long, scary coaching search, sports fans!

Lions fans are so desperate, they believe incompetence equals a curse

The Lions have been not-so-loveable losers for 50 years, which means fans are going to look for any damn excuse they can find which could explain such a miserable half century.

Thus, the "Curse of Bobby Layne."

This coming week being the 50 year anniversary of the Bobby Layne trade, the "curse" has received an inordinate amount of attention recently. There's a website associated with Layne's mystical curse, the Freep ran a feature article on the heavy partying Texan mentioning the so-called hex, and even the News' Bob Wojnowski brought Layne's supposed muttering to light in a column.

There's only 2 pink elephants on the field, coach! 

I'm ready to go in!

We all know the story. When the best QB in Detroit history was traded to the Steelers in October 1958, for really no other reason than the team was tired of dealing with him, Layne supposedly said, though there's absolutely no record of it, the Lions wouldn't win "for 50 years."

What a load of BULLSHIT.

Layne was a great QB, but an even better drinker. The man is legend in Detroit drinking circles. He started boozing the minute the game ended, and didn't stop till the next Sunday afternoon kickoff. Meaning he was likely 10 sheets to the wind when he learned the Lions traded him to the then armpit of the NFL, Pittsburgh. So I refuse to believe Layne said the Lions would never win for 50 years. Now if legend had Layne slurring "Where's my gin?" That I could believe. 

I see 3 Hopalong Cassadys...I'll throw it to the one in the middle!

See, Layne never cursed the Lions. He was thirsty and boozing. "Lions will never win!" "Where's my gin." Honest mistake. But it's no curse.

Incompetence, delusion, idiocy and stupidity have run rampant through the Lions' franchise over the years. It doesn't mean the team was cursed, but it does tells you the Lions have been run by a series of sycophants, yes men and mental midgets, all hired by an inbred blue blood living off of grandpa's money, William Clay Ford.

Ford being a do-nothing rich SOB does not equate into the Lions being cursed. It's also letting the God damn do-nothing rich SOB off the hook for so many years of fan pain and suffering, and blaming Bobby Layne for something he never said.

Screw the curse. Just leave Layne, who did nothing but good things in Detroit (won 3 championships and kept bar owners in new Cadillacs) out of it.

It's not the "Curse of Bobby Layne." Never was, never will be. Actually, it's the "Incompetence of Wiliam Clay Ford." Blame Henry Ford's Richie Rich of a grandson all you want. Hell, even call it the "Curse of William Clay Ford" if it helps.

But don't blame the mythical mutterings of a hall of fame QB for 50 years of pure shit.

Millen made how much?

I'm back from a day spent with the folks and away from the PC. I'm catching up on the latest...

The numbers involved in paying off the porn 'stached goon are absolutely flabbergasting...

Insanity, thy name is William Clay Ford.

Millen, who was 31-84 in his seven-plus years in Detroit, could walk away with as much as $50 million.

Millen has already made more than $38 million in the first seven-plus years of his contract. Millen originally was given a five-year contract at $5 million per season, but he was granted an extension in 2005 for another five years (ending after the 2010 season) at the same salary. Millen's record was 16-48 when he was given the extension.

Uh...WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

The bane of my existence is going to end up walking away from the franchise he completely destroyed with $50 million? That's just plain wrong.on all sorts of levels.

It's not only the fact that the porn 'stached goon is going to stroll back to Pennsylvania with "fuck you" money, it's the fact that his wide swath of destruction included taking the Ford family fortune down a few pegs. The Lions would be valued at far more than the $800+ million Forbes currently estimates the franchise is worth if Millen hadn't spent the last 8 years systematically destroying the team from the inside out.

Anyone else who threw such an insane amount of cash at a dumbass so fucking clueless, any moron plucked off the street could have done a better job for a fraction of the money, would be involuntarily committed for psychiatric observation. No wonder Bill Jr. dropped a dime on Millen, as his incompetent father was pissing away his inheritance.

Ford's only defense can be "not guilty by reason of insanity." Unfortunately, that's not good enough when the same man is going to have final say in hiring Millen's replacement.

The Who's great song, "Won't Get Fooled Again," has lyrics amazingly appropriate to the Lions' situation.

"Meet the new boss, same as the old boss."

If William Clay Ford has too much say in the next hire, those lyrics will be all too fitting. He will get fooled by the new boss...again.

Now what?

I'm sure that's the question everyone is asking after Bill Ford Jr, dropped the "I would have fired the general manager” bomb yesterday. Fans and local media jumped on Junior's statement with the same glee and vigor Madonna humps 25 year old studs.

24+ hours later though, is anything different? Which is why I can tell you exactly what's going to happen with the Lions.

So I'll repeat the question...

Now what?

Nothing.

That's what.

Why? Because that's William Clay Ford's M.O. Always has been, always will be.

Ford is either... 1) so afraid to make the wrong move, he'd rather make no move at all, 2) a chickenshit who refuses to do what needs to be done because he's afraid to piss off someone he likes, or 3) he's so rich and above it all, he just doesn't give a flying fuck.

No matter what the reason may be, any or all of the above, none of them are good enough to have let the situation linger for years. Ford's inaction has allowed a moron named Matt Millen to literally DESTROY a franchise by alienating what had been a beyond loyal fanbase to the point where they feel open revolt is the only way for their voices to be heard. All because Ford "likes" the God damn SOB in the GM's chair.

There's a reason William Clay Ford was never given any real power in the family business. You only need to see how he's run the Lions since 1964 to know what the Ford family knew from the outset. The youngest of Henry Ford's grandsons is an incompetent buffoon.

You can see the evil in a young William Clay Ford's eyes

as he plots against one of the best coaches in Lions' history, Joe Schmidt.

If William Clay Ford had taken helm of Ford Motor, we'd have been talking about a Big 2 for the last 25 years. There would be no Big 3, as FoMoCo would have never made it through the "Malaise era."

William Clay Ford couldn't be trusted run...run...Hell, anything, let alone a Fortune 500 corporation. Thus, to the keep the neer-do-well, none-to-bright Ford baby brother (When compared to older, smarter brothers Hank the Deuce and Benson) from meddling in the day to day operations of FoMoCo, he was given his own little toy to play pretend boss with, the Detroit Lions.

The rest is history.

Considering the consequences of WCF ruining one of the nation's biggest and influential corporations, allowing little Willie Ford to run the Lions into the ground was necessary collateral damage. Better Ford's "brilliance" causing the Lions to piss us off decade after decade, than allowing millions to lose their way of life. It's the price we have to pay.

I know what you're going to say. "Big Al, you can't believe the bullshit about William Clay Ford you're spreading, do you? Ford can't be running the Lions like a rudderless ship for the greater good?"

I say, "Whatever gets you through the night, it's alright, alright."

So that's where it stands. The prodigal son, Bill Jr., wants a scorched earth policy when it comes to the Lions' front office, while his dumbass dad would rather stay the course, common sense be damned. Typical, as William Clay Ford's franchise is the NFL's version of the Titanic. The Lions have hit their iceberg, and it's name is Matt Millen.

In other words, same shit, different day, same old Lions.

Christ, I can't believe this fucking team...

Worse, I can't believe I'm a FAN of this fucking team...