Wednesday, October 03, 2007

TWFE speaks with Matt Millen, Super Genius

TWFE had an opportunity to chat with the president and general manager of the Detroit Lions, Matt Millen. What follows is a transcript of our "Discussion."

Big Al: Hi Matt, I'm Al, creator of The Wayne Fontes Experience.

Matt Millen: You're who from the what? You're Wayne Fontes? I know you're experienced. To be honest, I thought you were dead. All that cocaine...Whatevs. I'm happy to chat with you, Wayne. I'm Matt Millen, soon to be named "NFL Executive of the Year!"

BA: Executive of the year? OK, if you say so.

MM: I don't say so, I KNOW SO! I've built a juggernaut! You know how the Packers were known as the team of the 60's, or the Cowboys as the team of the 90's? My Detroit Lions will be known as the team of the aughts!

BA: More like all for naughts.

MM: What?

BA: Moving on...Everyone picked the Lions to finish last in the NFC North. Yet here you are just 1 game behind the undefeated Packers with a 3-1 record. How do you explain the Lions start?

MM: It's all me, thanks to my genius drafting, free agent signings and personnel moves, along with my genius coaching hires. In fact, I now require all Lions employees to refer to me as, "Matt Millen, Super Genius."

BA: Even Rod Marinelli?

MM: Um...Uh...Rod doesn't talk to me much. He's much too busy pounding the rock, and by that, I don't mean he's masturbating!

BA: Cute. What about Mike Martz?

MM: NO WAY! I give that nuts mofo a wide berth. Every time I run into him, he asks me something crazy! Can I sign another wide receiver? Can I trade for Kurt Warner? Can I re-sign Az-Hakim? It's easier to just avoid the overbearing SOB. The Allen Park complex is a big one for a reason, so it's pretty easy. Anyway, Martz is overrated. All this mad scientist, offensive genius stuff is bull! There can be only one genius on the Lions, and that genius be me.

BA: Indeed. What do you have to say about your 1st round picks, as it appears you have a fetish for wide receivers?

MM: Fetish? Wayne, are you calling me a perv? You comparing me to that pretty boy Johnny Morton?! I have testicles, and I'm not a faggot!

BA: Wha? Whoa! Calm down Matt. Let me put it this way, why did you pick a wide receiver with your 1st pick in 4 out of 5 drafts?

MM: Mr. Ford told me to. Next question.

BA: But 4 wide outs in...


BA: Sure. Matt, I want to show you some pictures, and I'd like you to give me your thoughts.

MM: You aren't going to show me inkblots that look like vaginas, are you?

BA: Not today...OK, here's you with Marty Mornhinwig.

MM: What was I thinking in wearing that Bill Cosby sweater? It's absolutely hideous! Why did I dress like it was 1986, instead of 2001? I look like a boob!

BA: If the name fits...Here's you laying hands on Joey Harrington.

MM: I loved that boy like a...a...The day he left... I just can't talk about it, it's still an open wound on my heart. How could something so right go so wrong?! I blame that SOB Martz! Joey was so easy going, but they couldn't get along! They just couldn't...couldn't...I'm sorry, I need a moment. //sniff//

BA: Steve Mariucci.

MM: Seeing that smug bastard gets me angry! He pulled the wool over my eyes! Mooch sold me a total bill of goods! It's his fault, not mine, the Lions became a laughing stock, the butt of all those "Wet toast offense" jokes! He was a used car salesman impersonating a football coach! That slickster could sell a T-bone to an Eskimo! A refrigerator to a cow! I learned my lesson, no more offensive minded coaches for Matt Millen!

BA: You with Rod Marinelli.

MM: Ah, that was my best day as a front office executive! Rod's MY kind of guy! Mr. Pound the rock! The Sarge is in charge! We see eye to eye as to how a football team should be run! Pound, pound, pound the ball! He's a grind it out kind of guy.

BA: Then why does he throw the ball 80% of the time?

MM: Because of all the wide receivers.

BA: But why run a finesse offense when he's a grind it out kind of coach?

MM: Because of all the wide receivers!

BA: But I thought you win in the NFL with defense, and a good ground game, right? Didn't you tell us that Marinelli was a defense first, win in the trenches, kind of coach? Yet you gave up 56 points to the Eagles, and you haven't had a 100 yards on the ground since who knows when. And you still see eye to eye?

MM: Are you questioning how I built my team, Wayne?

BA: Well, yes.

MM: I KNEW IT! You...You...You're one of those internets guys who's always making fun of me! Always calling me stupid and incompetent! Starting protests and marches and orange outs! Fire Millen? Fire this! I know you're trying to be a tough guy while watching porn in your underwear while living in your mom's basement! This interview is OVER! OVER!

BA: But I wanted to ask...

MM: I got some advice for you, Wayne! You, and all you internets guys! Don't fuck with me! Not Matt Millen! I know people, powerful people! You want to end up in exile like Ricky Williams or that Vick character? You best back off! We're done here!

BA: Thanks for your time, Matt.

MM: Fuck you very much.


  1. Thanks for that "quality" interview, good stuff!

  2. Yeesh, that Millen-Harrington picture kinda creeps me out, you know?


  3. No doubt, it looks like a screen cap from a gay porno called "Coach, You Wanted to See Me?"