Thursday, June 08, 2006

The Tigers are slumping. TWFE is here to help

The Tigers are in a rough patch, a slump, if you will. The American League Axis of Baseball Evil have had their way with our Motor City Kitties over the past 2 weeks. So, to help stem the losing tide, TWFE is here to give the Tigers praise, advice, suggestions, reminders, and a swift kick in the proverbial ass, anything to help get the Tigers out of their current tailspin.

Guys, please take heed of my thoughts. In other words....Read it...Learn it...Live it.

Placido Polanco: I doubt your contract pays you by the swing. In case you didn't know, the rules of baseball say that you are allowed to take the occasional pitch. You never heard, "Walk's as good as a hit?"

Brandon Inge: The power you've shown is nice, but you are turning into Rob F'n Deer. You aren't playing home run derby. Sometimes, a single will work just fine.

Craig Monroe: You see what I said about Inge? Same goes for you. In case the 2 of you were wondering, OBP doesn't stand for Oh Boy, Peanuts!

Chris Shelton: Keep it up and you'll find yourself turning into the next Brandon Inge. Remember, the high fastball is a sucker pitch.

Pudge Rodriguez: When did you turn into a banjo hitter? What happened to the 25-30 home run power? Oh yeah, when you went on a diet...

Magglio Ordonez: I didn't realize how good a ballplayer you actually were till you finally got healthy this season. I just hope this is the Maggs we will see for the next 25 years, or however long your contract runs.

Curtis Granderson: As Billy Joel sung, "I could not love you any better, I love you just the way you are..." In a manly way, of course...

Carlos Guillen: Considering you're an All-Star level SS when you manage to stay healthy, I suggest that whenever you are not on the diamond, you do not do anything. Not. A. Thing. Move very slowly and deliberately, OK?

Alexis Gomez: Next time Jim Leyland asks you to go into a game, just say no.

Marcus Thames: I really like how you've been swinging the bat. Just a note to keep in mind though, feel free to hit a home run with someone on base. You cool with that?

Ramon Santiago: In case you weren't clear on the rules of the game, I have a tip. That white sphere that gets thrown toward you? You're supposed to hit it with that piece of lumber in your hand.

Omar Infante: I have no complaints, you are doing exactly what the Tigers need you to do. Fill in ably in the field, and hit when you do play. One thing, though. Please do me a solid, and remind Jim Leyland that you are not a number 3 hitter.

Vance Wilson: Keep hitting your weight, that's all I ask. So, you could gain 20 pounds or so?

Kenny Rogers: You've been a great pick up for the Tigers. A relative bargain too, especially when compared to A.J. Burnett. But could you let us know what Kenny Rogers we'll see after the All-Star break? As a professional courtesy, if you plan to pitch like the man who sang "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town" rather than the Kenny Rogers we currently see, I think Dave Dombrowski would like to know ahead of time.

Jeremy Bonderman: Consistentcy. It's a good thing. I'm just sayin'.

Nate Robertson: Love the rally gum thing. You've exceeded all expectations on the mound. Just don't go mouthing off about how well you pitched, even though you lost.

Mike Maroth: My condolences. Hope to see you in September.

Justin Verlander: You're an ace in waiting. I just ask one thing of you. When you say your shoulder felt "Tender" after one of your starts, please make sure you add that it's normal soreness. Otherwise, be aware that you may just cause the Tiger fanbase, in masse, to take a long walk off of a short pier. You're that important to the future of the franchise.

Ramon Colon: I'm sorry that you didn't keep Maroth's spot in the rotation. But to paraphrase Judge Smails, the world needs long relievers too.

Zach Miner: I think you had it backwards. You're supposed to get ahead in the count. Remember that in your next start, or you'll get the Judge Smails speech as well.

Jason Grilli: You're on the roster? Sorry dude, I didn't realize....

Bobby Seay: You too?

Jamie Walker: Your stats always look good. So why am I so nervous when you pitch? Oh yeah, it's those damn pesky inherited runners that tend to score. Stop doing that, OK?

Fernando Rodney: Despite the dinger you gave up the other night, you should be the closer. So I need to ask. Did you did something to so piss off the Marlboro Man, that it's causing him to keep you as the setup man? If that's true, please apologize, ASAP.

Joel Zumaya: Sing along with me! Zoom, zoom, zoom! Zoom zoom zoom zoom...zoom zoom! I swear, one of these days, one of your fastballs will break the sound barrier.

Todd Jones: You know the old platitude, don't you? "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?" .................

Dmitri Young: Since WDFN reported that you've entred rehab today, all I can say is thanks for the memories, and may your future buffet lines be short.

Now go kick some ChiSox ass, gentlemen!

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