Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Tilting at ESPN windmills

I currently have Sportscenter on the TV next to me. Why? The hell if I know, as I've bitched plenty about the steaming pile of teeming awfulness that the Worldwide Leader in Sports has become.

Speaking of that steaming pile, it's time for a multiple choice pop quiz. Thinking caps on, everyone?

What did the self-named Worldwide Leader in Sports have as their lead story tonight on their 6pm flagship program known as Sportscenter?

A. The NBA Playoffs
B. The NHL Playoffs
C. Mark Cuban's $200K fine
D. Delmon Young's 50 game suspension
E. Albert Pujols' 18th home run
F. Indy 500 practice
G. 15 minutes of commercial free hyperbole covering every conceivable angle and piece of minutia, interviewing every ESPN baseball talking head, and general breathless faux excitement in regard to the God Damn Yankers playing the God Damn Red Sux playing a meaningless early regular season game.
H. Stuart Scott poetry

If you picked G, you are one of the 99% of the nation that doesn't live and die with the 2 most egrigious examples of baseball excess. But that doesn't stop ESPN from cramming the Yankees and Red Sox down our unwilling throats. I actually think they take pleasure in our pain. Why else would the Wolrdwide Leader inflict such (sarcasm alert) blinding ginormous brilliance as Chris Berman, Joe Morgan, John Kruk, Stephen A. Smith, and Stuart Scott, to name just a few, upon an unsuspecting nation?

Then tonight, when I tune to ESPN News to see the scores during NBA/NHL playoff downtime, which normally is an island of decency amidst the immense suckitude that is the ESPN family of networks, the Barry Bonds home run watch slobberfest will begin anew. God. Damn. It.

I don't know how much more I can take. Maybe I should give up. Stop tilting at ESPN windmills. Just let ESPN assimilate me, much like the pod people in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." Give up and accept the mediocrity that spews from from the bowels of Bristol.



  1. ESPN assimilation? You should cut back on the Focusyn, too much will make you paranoid. Next thing you know, you'll be telling us that MLB has satellites spying on you.

  2. A Simpsons reference! Nice touch.

    //Puts on tin foil hat// Plus it's a commonly known fact that it's the NFL that has spy satellites. MLB has black stealth helicopters. The NBA has nanobot technology at their disposal. The NHL, well, they're the NHL. //Takes off tin foil hat//

    After that rant, I expect the ESPN assimilation borg to be at my door any time now.